The one where June mentions how she likes it when people say Christmas Eve day

A few weeks ago, my friend Jo borrowed my sari and my wig for a party, and no, I DON'T know what kind of freak-ass parties she goes to. It's my Dress Like an Eastern Indian party! Later, we'll take calls from American customers!

Was that racist?


The point is, this bedroom is in chaos because I keep wrapping paper and ribbon and so on in my cedar chest, so I had to open that, and take everything down from on top of it and who cares. The point is, I ran into my black wig just now and totally put it on to go help Ned make the bed.

Photo on 12-23-14 at 7.40 AM #2"How do I look?" I asked, prancing in brunette-ly.

Ned studied me for a while. "You look….demented."


Have I mentioned I cannot wait till Xmas is over? And that I need a nose job, stat? Tomorrow I will list your good deeds, and probably I will list them on Christmas day, as well, as I feel like there are 58484853939 deeds to list. And I can't wait to try to do a search and see the ones that only say, "Oh, I forgot. KEEK." Somewhere you will feel a small stab, and that is me with the voodoo doll of you.


Last night my student canceled, and we are getting together Christmas Eve day, which makes no sense, "eve day," and I love it when people say that. We are getting together on the 24th. I will give her her gifts and I hope she licks them.

Oh goddammit. LIKES. I hope she LIKES them.

IMG_2298The point is, because the evening was free, I did some shopping for a change and got gifts for a change and I hope everyone licks them. Afterward, I met Ned for dinner at Cafe Europa, a place he'd go to every Wednesday before he met me because they had half-price salads or something. He'd always eat at the bar, and talk to the bartenders, and then when he started dating me he'd bring me in and they were all, yay. You found a demented-looking woman who licks gifts!

Last year we were there in November, and one of the bartenders said, "How long you two been dating, anyway?" Our anniversary is in January, so I said, "Two years." Ned corrected me. "ALMOST two years."

You can imagine. Why on earth would you have to correct me and say ALMOST two years? We were less than TWO MONTHS from it being two years at the time. Oh my god, I was irritated. Ned did this whole math thing just because he knew I wouldn't be able to argue, about how, like, we had 18% of the year to go before it was a full two years or something. I should have dumped him right there on our year and 82% anniversary.

Anyway, now we're less than a month from having dated three years, or as Ned calls it, ALMOST three years.

I've never dated anyone this long. I mean, I married Marvin and stayed married to him for 14 years, but we didn't even date for three years. We were married before we'd dated for two years. We'd dated ALMOST two years when we got married.

Back in my teens and 20s, I was more of a "six months to a year and you're out. Next." Kind of gal. You'll be stunned to hear I did a lot of huffing off dramatically with my breakups. One guy I was crazy about, when I was 27? 28? 26? Somewhere in the middle, there. He invited me to go to northern Michigan for the weekend, which is beautiful by the way and you should go but NOT NOW because you will freeze your clitoris right off. Plink. There will be your frozen clitoris, staring angrily at you from the icy sidewalk.

On the spring day that I was there with this guy, it was sunset and we were on a dock, splitting a bottle of wine, when he told me he'd probably never love me. Can you imagine? First of all, how can you not love All This?

Naturally I huffed off, except we were on vacation and we'd just had six pounds of wine. So we had to spend the night together knowing we were broken up. That was a restful night. I remember the next day were the LA riots, which started because everyone was so mad at that guy for never loving me. That was May of 1992, so that'd put me at 26 years old. Dang.

Months later, I was moving to Seattle, and he came over dramatically in the middle of the night, because someone had told him I was going. He said, "I think I was in love with you."

Oh my god, I have NO IDEA how I got on this tangent. Oh, right. Cafe Europa. Ned. ALMOST two years that's now ALMOST three years. It's all coming back to me. Won't you join me in my head? It's so peaceful here.

The point is, I'm going to work today and I feel like there will be four people with me. My boss has the day off but he's stopping by with his dog, Doug, who is a Great Pyrenees, and you can guess whose idea THAT was, that we have Take Doug to Work Day. Oh my god I love Doug.

Tallulah is still shaking, by the way. And if you ask me her foot doesn't really look any better. I have no idea what's up.

Okay I'd better go shower and join the many people at work. Yesterday was surprisingly worky, a thing I heartily resented. I think it will be today, too. Work. On Christmas Eve Eve day, which makes no sense, still.

If I don't talk to you, have a happy Christmas if you're into that sort of thing.