I just got off the treadmill for my first 30-minute exercise of 2008. What are the symptoms of a heart attack? Can you actually sweat to death?
Thirty-five minutes ago, I was so full of hope. Of life. Where did it all go wrong?
To begin, I kept on my sock monkey pajamas as sweatpants (for those of you just tuning in, I went all of 2007 without shopping. Therefore I have no workout clothes yet. Don't worry, things will get more socially acceptable as I begin jogging outdoors and such), my sports bra from 2000 and a long-sleeve wicking kind of runner's shirt my aunt sent me that I forgot I had.
Our treadmill is at the back of the house, in our laundry room. This room was clearly once a back porch, and the good news is — as I stand on our treadmill for the first time since we moved here five months ago — I have a nice view. At our old house, the treadmill faced the wall and a 1940s framed ad for speedboats. I got so tired of that speedboat and the bikini-clad woman on said speedboat. Nice diaper bikini. Want to cover up any more, burka gal? Yeesch.
So I turned on my iPod and began.
Folsom Prison Blues – Johnny Cash.
I love this song. Start off going three miles an hour to warm up.
But those people keep a'movin/and that's what tortures me.
Don't Think Twice, it's Alright – Bob Dylan
I can see Winston playing in the woodsy part of our backyard. Ponder that Winston burns calories just chasing leaves, with no need for an iPod. Wonder why Bob Dylan was so annoyed with this woman he is singing about. Wonder why I like this song even though he uses the word "if'n."
Turn treadmill up to four miles an hour. A blistering fifteen-minute mile. Woo! I'm Kenyan! Somebody stop me!
Raspberry Beret – Prince
Well, it is simply impossible to be sad during this song. Turn treadmill up to 4.3. Discover I have been on for less than 10 minutes. Seriously? Turn treadmill back down to 4.0.
Praise God I'm Satisfied – Blind Willie Johnson
Wonder why I am so white. Wonder why I am so thirsty. The stupid treadmill's "Stop" button does not actually work. Grab sides of treadmill and leap off, run into kitchen and grab giant bottle of Pellegrino. Remember that all I have had to drink today is black coffee. Oops.
Helpless – Neil Young
Completely identify with this song right now. Hips are actually sweating. Consider increasing incline on treadmill and quickly dismiss idea, as hair is sweating.
Something – The Beatles
Ruminate that I don't have any songs from after 1985 on my iPod. Think of George Harrison singing "Something in the way she moves/attracts me like no other lover" about me and my galumping, sock-monkey self on this treadmill. Imagine the sight of pretty self on treadmill in a movie, with that song as the soundtrack. Start giggling uncontrollably.
Age of Consent – New Order
Again, impossible to be sad during this song. Turn treadmill back up to 4.3, and to survive, begin imagining my friend Lisa dancing across from me. She and I must have danced to this song at various bars in our hometown maybe 250 times. Bring friend Cindy in as well, then Donna and Marc. Start giggling, seeing them all dancing in 1989. Get misty, realizing how much I miss dancing with these friends. Begin really crying, realizing we are all of us grown up and will never go dancing together again. Realize you can get sad during this song.
Indian Summer – The Doors
Really, a wonderful cool-down song. Stop weeping and commence wishing I were at The Whiskey in 1968, tripping out on peyote and swaying to this song. Wonder if peyote makes you throw up. If it does, forget the peyote part.
Total time working out? Thirty minutes and 20 seconds. Pace? Fifteen-minute mile. Emotions felt? Seven-hundred sixty-two.
See you tomorrow!