It’s Britney, bitch

I’ve sat here for two days making little changes to this now-defunct site. “Should I start this up again?” I ask myself. Then I think about all the ways people could be unkind and I walk into the next room, all sweaty.

To be fair, I’m menopausin’, so I walk into every room all sweaty these days. Mother of GOD.

While I menopause and reflect, I also think about nice people. The nice people outweighed the not-nice ones up in here. Not literally. I mean, I don’t know how much you weigh. Maybe that would be a nice place to start. Let’s all get reacquainted by writing in and saying what we weigh!


So if I do come back, what do you want to know? Because I could sit here and recap the whole dang four and a half months and bore you to tears if you wanted. Also, the good news is, maybe five people will even see this site is up so there won’t be that many questions, and maybe I can write one nice, concise, here’s-what’s-you-wanted-to-know post and we can move forward from there.

Meanwhile, what’s new with you, five people? Tell all. Including your weight.


I seriously didn’t mean to write “Jooob,” with a b, but it was nice to get that typo back, just like old times.

yuu way HOW mutch? eyeriss can’t see it. think yuu look grate.

Ask June Anything Day

I had a migraine this morning, so I took a pill and lay back down, waiting for it to work. Edsel spent that whole time with his head pressed against me, wiggling ecstatically. Restful.

Since I'm running late, let's have Ask June Anything day, and I will answer in the comments when I can. Go ahead. Ask.

The one where we’re all sorry we had freaking question day 264 days ago.


I may or may not have given Lu a Tostito the other day. Behold her crunchy face. She wants you all to know she is delighted that such a flattering photo is going on the Internet. Lu is not allowed to say "Interwebs." Nor are any of you.

Yesterday I had my regularly scheduled workday, screamed home and did some freelance work at noon, screamed back to work and worked on a huge presentation, then at 5:00 I stayed and wrote Purple Clover, which was due, then screamed home and fed everyone, then screamed to the old movie theater, where they were showing It's a Wonderful Life.

I was dead asleep by 9:45.

Let's scream to your questions from the other day. Yes, again. IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAD SO MANY.

Texas Kari, for whom I am grateful asked, How did you become a church secretary? How did you decide to be an editor?

I became a church secretary because we moved to TinyTown and I had nothing to do but take walks all the time. I'd always stop at this beautiful gothic church to catch my breath, because we lived at the bottom of the world's tallest hill, and the church was at the top. Finally one Sunday I went to church there so I could see the inside. The priest, Father Mike, knew who I was (in a town of 3,000, you know the new folk) and asked if I needed a job. I worked Monday through Thursday, 8 till noon. In an empty old beautiful church. The only interruptions I had were the old church ladies who'd stop by. I love love loved that job.

I became an editor because I was a receptionist after college, and Marvin wouldn't hear of it. "You can be doing so much more," he said. So he pretty much made me apply for a proofreading job 19 years ago, and the rest is history.

LisaPie in Texas wondered, Do you know how many pounds of pork I need to buy to make a gazillion dozen tamales next week?

Eighty. And you know what sounds delicious? Pork tamales.

KR asked, 1. Mid century modern furniture guy??? D. Are the loud little girls with snowball still your neighbors back in your new/old neighborhood? £. How is Charlie?

1. What about him? Did you not see the post a few weeks back where we had our photo taken together?

D. Snowflake. You guys have called that poor dog every name but his real name. I haven't seen them, but it's winter, and also they're probably all sort of old for playing on the swings now. I did see two preteen girls walk past, and I wondered if one of those girls was one of the Snowflake girls, but I wasn't certain. When we DO see each other, I am certain they'll still bellow, HI, ETHEL! HI, LALUUULA! They were not bright.

£. Charlie and his girlfriend broke up, and he is going to a nursing home as a result. This makes him sad, as you can imagine. But his girlfriend, who is an amazing person, is in her late 20s/early 30s and has spent the last several years being his primary caregiver. She has a chance for a big promotion at work, and she can't take said promotion till she moves to Boston, and she's finally doing that at the first of the year.

Bama Carol asked, How are you doing, really? Just concerned.

Eh, Not great.

Linda from Jamestown asked, What is the name of the bar where you go dancing, when you do go out dancing, that is? I love to dance, but all the clubs around town are full of 20 somethings.

Well, I go to Chemistry, the gay bar, but some nights no one dances till midnight. There are also pop-up dance parties for old people. I get Facebook notices for those, so look on Facebook for them. They are sometimes at Printworks, those dance parties. If you see someone there with hair, dancing like an idiot, come say hi.

Nithya asked, Would you rather live your whole life being the only person who smells a truly disgusting smell OR be the source of that smell so others smell it when you're around but you are happy and cannot smell it?

I pondered this for awhile, and I think I would want to smell the smell than BE the smell.

My Mother's Best Friend asked, June: Why did you hog all the stuffing on Thanksgiving?

Dear Gwen, I got two words for ya, and they ain't "Let's dance."

Rogue asked, How do you manage to stay upbeat with everything that happens?

Oh, please. I'm not. I'm not sleeping and I mope around like a sad bat. I have no idea why I just picked "sad bat." I guess cause they hang around all day. Anyway, also Lexapro.

Karen in VB wondered, Have you had that wonderful test we are all supposed to have after turning 50?

No. I have not. I'm trying to think of it as a cleanse.

Karen in VB wrote back to ask, Have you tried the Duplin wines? They are all very sweet.

Ugh, no. They sound awful. In fact, Ned's family has a story about that wine, where on Christmas one relative went on and on about how dreadful that wine was, and then she opened her gift it was, like, a case of the Duplin wine. So…heh. Yeah.

Oh thank god, that's all the questions. Oh, and you know what? Today is my nine-year-anniversary of blogging! Here is my first, really boring, post. June Cutoff Cash. Hah! Heh. Yeah.

Hee-haw and Merry Christmas,


More of your questions answered. Good gravy.

On Saturday, I had Ask June Anything Day, and yesterday I started answering the many pressing questions of your time. On today, I will answer more. Yes, I just said "on today."

Mary Ellen from Napa asked, Do you think you will stay in North Carolina? Is there anywhere else you are longing to move to and try out? Or did you burn through that in Seattle?

Jan asked this, too. I think I'll stay here, at least for the time being, because it's affordable, I own a cute house, and I love my job. If I didn't have all these kids, I might pack my bags and head to the West Coast again. I don't think I could afford Seattle anymore; it got fancy since the early '90s. But I might try anyway. I'd have never left Seattle had it not been for Marvin. I would never want to be 50 and single in LA. Good lord.

Kim in Texas asked, What is the last book you read that was not for work?

The Jane Austin Book Club. It was at my mother's. Eh. Girl book. One thing I have to say about Ned is he upped my reading repertoire. He read pretentious books and I began liking them more than I thought I would. He'd be furious if he heard me say his books were pretentious. But they were. He was such a slow reader, because most nights he worked, so I'd burn through them while he was still on chapter one.

Hulk asked, Why? Why didn't we give Zeke the ball more?

I ask myself that all the time, Hulk.

Caroline B asked, How many times a day do you have to sweep cat litter?

Once a day. I should probably do it more, but have you met me?

Greensboro Laurie asked, Did you get rid of your white Christmas tree before you left to spend your year abroad? When did you realize you had a disdain for the Christmas season? Any particular incident leave you with this feeling or just bah humbug in general to the holiday festivities?

Yes, I threw away that damn tree two years ago. It wasn't that old, but it was getting very droopy and you could see the pole, which I usually enjoy, but not in a tree. And it was shedding. Annoying. So the last two Xmases I slapped up a 15 dollar silver tree from Target.

This year I'm not doing a damn thing, for decorating. I put Xmas pictures up as my Facebook profile and banner. Done. And my Christmas hatred has grown over time. Not sure why. It's just so much pressure to do things I don't like doing: cooking, decorating, shopping. Bluch.

Jan had a million questions. Have you seen Ned? she wondered. Also, How's Marvin? Finally, marry, f*uck, kill… Ryan, Tall Boy, Dick Whitman.

Yes. I've seen Ned. Marvin is good; he's dating someone and she seems nice. I've not actually talked to her, but she also has not insisted I never mention Marvin on my blog, so lookin' sane! Plus she just looks likable when Marvin has photos of her on Facebook. As for fuck/marry/kill: Ryan, Tall Boy, Dick Whitman, in that order.

Outkast Lee asks, If I send you $19.95, will you tell me how to break into the lucrative, exciting and fulfilling field of proof-reading?

No. But feel free to send me $19.95 anyway.

Melvin wondered, As a proofreader, do you have to know all the documentation rules for APA, MLA , Chicago etc.? You must really like English!

Yes. And I do. I don't know why I picked this job, because as we all know, details are not my forte in any other walk of life. But there it is.

Oh, and the next comment was Melvin saying she's MELVIE, not Melvin. Melvin. heeeeee…

Barbfrommilwaukee asked, Will you take your trip to Hawaii in 2016??

I will if the person who offered it in the first place says, June, why don't you go to Hawaii this year? I should have gone in 2012, even though I literally had 150 bucks for the whole trip. God, I was destitute. How the hell did I do it?

Tricia wondered, Why did you decide to play Siri this Saturday?

I thought it would save me time. Look how THAT turned out.

Lee Una asked, What happened to The Fireman whom you dated a few times? Are the two of you still in touch?

Yes, we are still FB friends, if I'm not mistaken. He met someone about a year ago and seems fantastically happy. He was a good guy.

Anita asked, What are you plans for Christmas?

Precisely nothing. I plan to stay home and make lasagna and watch movies all day. Tell me you aren't just a little envious of me.

bettydh asked, Why do you get people to ask you questions? You know how they get!

I do. I do know how people get. But it's fine.

Jane said, I'm done with Sergio. He treats me like a ragdoll. She also asked, Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?

Right now, it's 8:06 a.m., my time.

Missus B asked, What sound or noise do you love? What sound or noise do you hate?

I love a train far off in the distance, at night. It always sounds so mysterious. I also love those bugs in the summer that buzz. And thunder. And when a branch breaks during a winter storm–dramatic. Dramatic, and you know you have an official excuse not to go anywhere.

I hate leaf blowers and people who have no idea their laugh resonates throughout yonder. You always work with one asshole who doesn't realize this. I also hate the laughter of children. Okay, I'm making that up. Yesterday I was in my back room working with the screen door open because it was warm out, and I heard the kids in the corner yard and I smiled, which made me wonder what the hell is wrong with me and did the new antidepressants kick in.

PJ wondered if I was sick with worry that she was coming down with a cold.

No one likes a person who drones on about a cold, PJ. GOD.

Mrs. Gumby asked, How are the pets adjusting after their year abroad?

I think I answered this yesterday, but I'll answer again. All four of them absolutely knew where we were, and had zero trouble, so that's good. Iris was particularly happy to be in her back yard again, where way too many things got to live this past year. Not anymore, wildlife. Not anymore.

Iris, purr-pawing on my lap yesterday. She has her excited nose drip thing going on.

MTM/Phyllis. But really The Poet asked, If you were my nephew, would you rather receive a Star Wars Death Star Tea Infuser or a Star Wars R2-D2 Bento Lunch Box?

The Bento lunchbox.

Texas Kari asked, Have you worked on your book-to-blog project?

I have! Still not as much as I'd hoped to during my six weeks at Kaye's. I spent a lot of time at Kaye's crying on the bed till tears fell in my ears. But things are looking good in that department.

There are still six thousand questions to answer, and who should have said time's up and never did. Was it me? I'll answer the rest tomorrow, and in the meantime, here's my latest Purple Clover.

Your answer gal,


Your questions answered. My textbook procrastinated.

A real grownup, such as, say, my stepfather, would have gotten up early and done today's statistics textbook proofreading already. However, hello. Have we met? I stayed up till 1:30 and just crawled out of bed. Now I'm blogging at you, and stay tuned for June's-panic-about-her-textbook posts in about a week. I know I said that yesterday. I will probably say that all week until it's time for June's panic-about-her-textbook posts.

Anyway, yesterday we had an Ask June Anything Day, and today I will answer your pressing Qs forthwith. …There are, apparently, 60 questions y'all asked yesterday, a thing I just noticed as I just looked at my blog for the first time. Not ever. But since I posted yesterday. Your questions came to me in email form, and I thought they were manageable, but maybe not. I'll answer SOME today and some tomorrow. What say you? Don't answer that.

Kate wondered, What are you going to do that makes you smile this weekend? Other than counting your potential dollars made per hour?

I didn't do much, so far, other than proofread. And remember when I had A COLD a few weeks back? Just when that one was clearing up, I got another cold, and that one is just going away, then last night my throat started hurting. GODDAMMIT. So the weekend has been proofreading a textbook, although it's nice out here, so I've been doing it in the back yard with the dogs. The dogs are excellent proofreaders.

d-lou inquired, How can you put 1000 Island dressing on your Big Boy? Would you ever move back to Michigan?

I put 1000 Island on my Big Boy sandwich because that's the way God and all the saints intended it, d-lou. Read your Bible. It's in Elias 4:17.

Also, I don't think so. I'd like to be around my family more, as I like them and all, but the weather, man. And the weathermen. Aren't the Weathermen the people who sang It's Raining Men? Also, the men. Michigan men are not my type. I realize I lost my virginity to a Michigan man, and the great love of my life for many decades was a Michigan man, and I married a Michigan man. But two out of three of those men left Michigan. So.

"Elias 4:17" was only funny if you're from Michigan.

Sapphire Anastasia pondered, Can we send in pictures from our Christmas this year and you post them?


Nellie asked, Do you know Marvin's ex-girlfriend is getting married?I did! But the only reason I know that is because ANOTHER reader told me. It kills me that y'all know who she is and what she's up to. I wish her no ill will. Really. I'm sure reading a whole nine-year diatribe on someone she liked was hard. Of course, she could have just abstained from reading, but what woman among us could have resisted?

Just me, Vee asked, Why do camptown ladies sing this song "doo dah, doo, dah"? And what are camptown ladies?I feel like they're sluts. But maybe I'm just turning into my grandmother again, calling all women sluts. I feel like doo dah, doo dah is a euphemism for douching. But maybe I'm crazy.

I have a funny doo dah story. See, this is why I should not proofread statistics textbooks in my spare time. Anyway, my friend comes from a large family, many of whom are very conservative Christians. My friend is not. My friend is, in fact, gay as a goose. It was Xmas Eve, and my friend and his equally no-longer-religious sister were in the back seat, as adults, riding to church with their parents. Since they were both unmarried, they were still stuck riding to church with mom and dad as though they were 12 years old.

"When we get back, your brother's kids have a song they've written and want to sing for all of us," my friend's beleaguered mom told them.

My friend and his sister exchanged glances. The brother was the religiousest of all the siblings, and he was pretty judge-y about it.

"We are Christians, you are not. Doo dah, doo dah," my friend sang quietly to his sister.

"We are Christians you are not, all the doo dah day," sang the sister.

"We are Christians, yay! You are Christians, nay," sang my friend, getting giggly.

"You are going to hell someday, we're gonna be okay," sang the sister, and that is when I fell in love with the sister.

Since you and N love each other to the ends of the earth and back, what happened? communication? too different lifestyle wants and needs? not enough alone time? too much sharing????

I like how she calls him N, like I can't see the whole name without falling apart. This is tricky, because I do still love Ned and do not wish to spread his bidness all over yonder. It wouldn't bother me a bit, but he wouldn't like that. But suffice it to say there was, indeed, something insurmountable that meant we couldn't be together anymore.

And it was none of the above choices. Nothing like that. We loved living together and our wants and needs were similar. That's what's so difficult. 90% was good. But the 10% that wasn't was, again, insurmountable.

Carol in Mpls wondered, Sometime, early in the new year, can we do show & tell pictures of our pets?

No. You guys have Pie on the Face! It's the perfect place to do this, because then I won't lose anyone's photo. And I won't get the sad-face emoticon comment when I forget it.

My friend-in-real-life, Dot, asked, Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?
Oh my god, shut up. Love, June.
Angie inquired, Since you've been blogging, so you still journal? Do the journal and blog have mostly the same stuff? Does the journal cover stuff you can't talk about on the blog because it's other people's lives or stuff about your own that you don't want to share? Is your journal as fun to read as your blog?
I do still keep a journal, and no, it's not the same stuff at all. Mostly this past year it's been angsty stuff about Ned, and no, it's no fun to read at all. It's all my sad clown shit.
Inquiring (or is it enquiring) minds want to know asked, Why does each chapter be on an odd-numbered page?
In books, even-numbered pages are on the left; they're also called verso pages. Recto, or right-sided pages, are on the right. If you notice, all book chapters, or pretty much all, start on the right side, not the left. So.
LinCA wondered, 1.Does your old neighborhood seem the same when you take the dogs for a walk (have you seen the same gaggle of little girls that like your dogs?). 2. Do your pets like the move…or don't really care….? 3. Do you recommend online dating or is it a weirdo magnet?

My neighbor Paul died, which is sad. His house is empty and lonely-looking. Also, I have a new neighbor in the back–just introduced myself to her yesterday. I asked about the woman who USED to live back there, and she said THAT neighbor died, too, quite suddenly, and then she moved in. With Paul, the across-the-street woman who died a few years back and now the woman behind me, I am Angela Lansbury of my hood.

The pets knew exactly where they where and there was not one minute of anxiety from any of them, fortunately. There's a whole new dog in the kitty-corner yard in back that my curs bark bark bark bark bark at, and I'm sure everyone loves that we have returned. I DO call them in when they start that goddamn barking. And by "they" I mean mostly Edsel. Lu barks when there's something to bark at, but often I look back there and Eds is in the middle of the yard, his snout in the air, just barking at the sky. Eds can be a real dick.
I DO recommend online dating. You have to stick it out, though. You have to slog through 86 messages from StiffStick69 till you meet a real person, but via online dating I met Dick Whitman, the Fireman, Daniel Boone (okay, I know), Tall Boy and Ned. So.
Lisa. Not that Lisa pondered, Who's your favorite Persistenf Reader?
I wonder what a presistenf reader is. That was a total Marvin answer.
Dad of Frank and Zoe asked, Y?
darla asked, Who is your presidential candidate of choice so far?
Bernie Sanders. Hey, maybe I'll be like Oprah when she endorsed Obama. My influencer voice will be heard throughout the land and Bernie Sanders will have me over to the White House for mashed potatoes and mac and cheese.
Nancy in CA wondered, You seem to make new friends so easily everywhere you go. How do you do it? And once you start a conversation, how do you go from a pleasant conversation to going for coffee or doing other friend things together?
I have no idea. I guess it's because I don't care if I seem weird. And most times, I think I seem weird. I just get up my courage and ask people to do stuff, because what's the worst that could happen? Remember how I was on OK Cupid for six minutes and gave up? I met a nice man on there, and he seems clearly not interested in me romantically, but I said, Hey, why don't we be new-breakup friends and hang out that way? He said sure. If he'd have said no, what was I gonna do, kill myself? So.
Deb who is back to being Deb asked, If you read other blogs, which are your favorites?>I don't. Isn't that awful? I check in on Dooce every six months, but that's it.
We have a billionty more Qs, which I will answer tomorrow. I thought you guys didn't even LOOK at my ass on a Saturday. Geez.
Thanks for the Qs! Do you like how I keep calling them Qs?

Ask June Anything Day

I spent much of last night working on my statistics textbook, and I am doing so again today. I can't even remember what I charge these people, but I keep adding up what I at least must be making so far, as I used to when I was babysitting. Fortunately, it's more than a dollar an hour for proofing a (riveting) statistics textbook.

By the way, so far I've looked at the book for four hours and haven't read one page. You know people who say, "Oh, a proofreader! I love to read!" Yeah. This book is 500 pages. So far…

  • I've looked at each individual page number to make sure they're all there.
  • I've looked at each chapter in the table of contents and made sure it's exactly the same as the chapter titles on the real pages–capitalization, spelling, punctuation.
  • I've also made sure the TOC are accurate. If the TOC says Chapter 7 is on page 54, is it really on page 53?
  • Then I made sure each new chapter was on an odd-numbered page.
  • Then I looked at each chapter heading and made sure they all looked exactly the same–same size, same font, same placement on the page.
  • Then I did the same for all the tables in the book. Same rule sizes, same italicizing.

That took four hours.

Proofreading. Because you love to read.

So because you know how I am and how I will be willing and able to waste SIX MONTHS blogging today, Ima go. Today only, we'll have Ask June Anything day. Between now and this evening, my time, whenever I feel like coming back and saying time's up, I will read and then answer any and all Qs and honestly as I can. Even mean ones.

Since four people read this on Saturday, I'm not that worried about it.


Chi-square June (that's a statistics thing. I have no idea what it is, but I see that word constantly in these books. I figure it's a square where you can drink tea)

Your dog is not a person. But she does leave photo captions.

This morning I woke up and felt like I was getting a cold. "You realize you're always getting a cold, right?" asked Ned.

I AM NOT! Okay, maybe I kind of always am. BUT THIS TIME IT'S REAL.

Anyway, today I'm going to answer more of your questions that you asked me now 16 years ago.

Sherry from TX asked,

How long did it take you and Slutty Pancakes to walk 2.6 miles?

I don't know; less than an hour. We walked the entire hour yesterday, and Slutty had a sprained ankle, and it was three and a half miles, or something. Are we thin yet?

Wait. Did I already answer that? Good gravy.

PSS asked,

What makes for a good home for a dog? We want to adopt this year, but I have such trepidation.

We have no experience with pet ownership, are away from home all day, are dealing with the distraction of a kid who isn't well, and we want to travel more. My kids and I desperately crave the love and companionship and feel a dog will bring us joy, but are we being selfish? Are we good candidates?

I say, unless you're going to literally be gone for 16 hours a day or something, get a dog and work it out. Hire a dog walker or take 'em to day care. Dogs need homes, and frankly, we're all getting so weird about them. Oh, he needs an ORTHOPEDIC bed! He needs an always-flowing water fountain!

He's a dog. He eats poop and sleeps on the gravel driveway by choice. He's not a person. Let me repeat that.

Your dog is not a person.

Get a dog.

Vic asked,

I think Ned either works for the NC department of transportation or the phone company. Am I warm?

Hah! No. He works for his family's business. Ned is in organized crime.

TXPeach asked,

Did you miss Facebook when you took your hiatus at Lent?

You know, no. Not so much. The LAST time I gave it up, the very day I got back on there, there was drama. Then this time, sure, some days I was bored and wished I could peruse Facebook, but day one. DAY ONE. Drama again. On stupid Facebook. So, maybe FB isn't such a good place for me. I feel like I need to be on it to promote this blog and my articles, but why do I even need to promote those? You all know they exist.

Amish Annie asked,

I haven't walked or worked out in two years and I'm still not thin. Am I doing something wrong, June?

Life is not fair. If a man even THOUGHT about walking, he'd shed seven pounds. If he walked to the store to buy walking shoes, he'd be a size four by the time he crossed the parking lot.

Kelly asked,

1. What's your middle name?

2. If you could only eat one kind of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Michelle. Because 1965 called. I don't think June Gardens has a middle name, does she? Unless I've been all "Call me June Sports Gardens" or "June Rational Gardens, over here." That sort of thing.

Strawberries. I could eat strawberries till I grew seeds.

Oh. I see I answered that in the comments the other day:

"JUNE'S middle name, or my real middle name? I think June's middle name would be Fuck Natural, but my real middle name is Michelle. And strawberries."

At least I'm consistent.

I also already answered this one:


What will Don Draper be doing at the end of Mad Men??

June Gardens said in reply to TexasGirl…

I hope me.

Tammi V.V. asked,

If you could live anywhere on earth right now, where would it be? If you could live anywhere at anytime on earth, when and where would it be?

Somewhere warm and beachy that had a lot of cool old houses. I'd like a screened porch that overlooked said beach. And Paris in the 1920s.

Cyn in FL- asked,

What's one question you'd ask Howard Stern?

I think I'd want to know what really went wrong in his marriage, and why does his first wife seem to hate him so much. I think it's pretty cheeky to be resentful of someone when you're enjoying his millions.

LisaPie asked,

Do you think Siren will ever come back to us?

Siren was a really cool, very interesting young girl who used to read this blog and comment here, and she was great. We all loved her. Maybe too much. I have talked to her and she isn't mad at us or anything, but she just went on to other things, I think. I also miss Matze, this hilarious foreign guy who read this blog and left great comments.

I have to go. It's late and I haven't showered, plus also this cold. This impending cold. At least you know if this DOES turn out to be a cold, I will be stoic about it and you won't hear a thing more on the topic.

I leave you with this:


Talu do Edzul impresh

Probe June

My new iPhone will not make phone calls. Which, I know everyone forgets that smartphones are supposed to be PHONES for making CALLS, but that's what smartphones are. Just a little reminder from June. And I actually call people, still. So a phone that, oh, can be used as a phone would be nice. Does it seem like I am ALWAYS having trouble with phones?

The guy at AppleCare finally said, "This is beyond me" and I got to speak to some guru on a mountain somewhere. He couldn't fix it, either, so now I have to call AT&T. I'm sure that will be brief and un-hold-y.

In the meantime, tonight we're going to Chris and Lilly's to fish and have dinner, not that we'll be eating any fish we caught, although that'd be very farm-to-table of us. But you know I like to go there in the spring, although they've technically moved from the farm to a house across the street. So there may actually be no baby chicks in my evening. Unless we eat them.

But anyway, I am here, now, writing to you, and look how in the moment June is. (pfft.) I thought I'd answer more of the questions you had for me the other day. I hope they involve fishing tips, because apparently I'll be able to give those. You know, I HAVE been fishing BEFORE. I like fishing. No one ever thinks I like to do anything outdoorsy, and you all forget that time I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro.

MissusB asked…

What is the one thing you really want to accomplish before you either become too old to do it, or die?

(Ned is in the bathroom and just exclaimed, "Goll-LEE," like he's Gomer Pyle. "What's wrong, Ned?" "Bunch of goddamn hair in this drain is what's wrong," groused Ned. He should really cut his hair. Is what I think.)

Wait, did we already answer this question last time? I can't remember. For me, whenever anyone talks about something they want to do before they die, it always involves athletics. Run a marathon, bike Mt. Kilimanjaro, whatever. And I've already done those. So I guess write a book. Kiss a leopard. I think I already did this Q. God forbid I go look.

Sherry from TX asked…

How long did it take you and SP to walk 2.6 miles?

Slutty Pancakes and I are allegedly walking during our workdays now, although this week it rained like a mug and has been impossible. Last week we waked 2.6 miles at lunchtime, at a blistering 16-minute mile. You do the math. I mean, literally, you do the math, because you know how I am.

Jen V said…

How is Lily? Has Tina Doris' ghost ever returned?

Lilly is excellent. You want me to go find her and photograph her in her element? Ima take a wild stab and assume she's on the bed. Hang on.

IMG_3335I was wrong. I could be like Fonzie and say I was wrr. Wrrrr. Remember how he could not say he was wrong? No wonder Pinkie Tuscadero left him.

Anyway. Lily was on the rug in the hall with Iris. She usually has a routine where she sits on me at night in the living room, then comes to bed with me till Ned comes to bed, then he summarily removes her fluffy ass from the room, till morning, when she goes back on the bed all day. She's an active cat. Last week she biked Mt. Kilimanjaro so she could fish off the top.

IMG_3333Tallulah's in here with me, apparently feeling coquettish. She's still my blog muse.

IMG_3337NedKitty's on top of the wardrobe, as she is wont to be. In a few weeks, she'll be 15. You'd never know it. Bitch be cray. She'd be one of those old people who goes to Studio 54 and swims Mt. Kilimanjaro every day.

Dear June, There is no Studio 54 anymore. 1979 ended a long time ago. Love, The World.

NedKitty and Iris had a big fight last night, for a position on the bookshelf. They both like to sit on the bookshelf, and Iris got up there when NedKitty was already there, and they had a big bitchslap fest till finally this happened.

IMG_3329Cat standoff.

Oh my god, you answered the question, June. Oh! But yes! Tina Doris' ghost HAS returned. TD? Tell us about it in the comments.

PJ asked…

In an unfamiliar locale, would you rather drive or navigate?

Drive. Because someone else has to navigate. My grandmother had the arthritis, and she'd say, "I can't hardly navigate." Me, either. And I don't have arthritis. Well, technically I do, in one knee, the same knee she'd rub absentmindedly while she watched her stories. Not that I had my grandmother's knee put in, but in a way, I did.

Oh my god, you've answered the question, June.

LaUral asked…

What age do you want to look?

If you had $1 million and had to spend it, what would you spend it on?

Five places in the world you want to see before you die?

I'd like to look 25. Is that too much to ask? Okay, what if people said, "God, you look 30!" Nothing wrong with wanting to look 30, is there? If I had a million dollars, I'd spend it on plastic surgery to look 30. I just asked Ned, "If I had a million dollars, what would I spend it on?" "Me," he said.

That was funny. Then he said, "You'd spend it on eye makeup and mashed potatoes." God, he knows me. Plus, there's my eternal life's quest to find the perfect lipstick and purse. Once I found those things, I'll probably die the next day.

As for five places I want to see, one of them would be Barry Gibb's junk, then four baby leopard heads. …Do you mean locales? Travel makes me nervous. A beach with pink sand, maybe New Zealand because that's interesting, maybe Italy because I'm hungry, oh and New York! I've never been to New York. Is that five? Because I have to go. I have to get in the shower so I can go to work. We're having massages at work today. I'm signed up at 1:40. Do not let me forget. You know I'll forget.

Okay, bye. I'll call you later. Oh. Wait…

Ask June. Old School.

Am 100% totally late because of Ned. We have a busy day planned: Tonight we're going to a Scrabble tournament with Marty Martin and Kayeeee, because nerds. Then at 10:30 tonight, the Louis CK show comes back on, and I am beside myself. Then I will be exhausted from going to bed that late.

Yesterday at lunch I walked 2.6 miles with Slutty Pancakes, and we are annoyed that we aren't thin yet.

So see? What normally would take me 6,7094 words has taken me, like, 75.

Since I have to go, why don't we have an old favorite: Ask June. Go ahead. Ask me anything. Advice, pressing questions about my life, my views on geography and map reading, anything.

6a00e54f9367fb8834017744d4a3bb970d-800wiYu rully want to go dere, mom?

Yes, mom do. Because mom late and have to scream out a post. 



June manages her lunch.

This morning, I alerted you that I was running late, for a change, because I embrace the morning, and I asked you what I should write about when I come home at lunch. I was expecting more: "Write about THIS topic, Joooon" and I got really sort of more, "Here are some Qs we have for you, Joooon." So let me bang this mother out as best I can by answering the questions I see before me.

PJ wondered what accomplishment makes me the most proud, and I've answered before that running ("running." hah!) a marathon is number one for me. Because, you know, it was a marathon. I really enjoyed it when people asked, "One of those 26-mile ones?"


PJ also wonders about the oldest piece of clothing I have, and let's all pause to consider what a freak PJ is. I still have my wedding veil, and oh! A yellow Izod sweater I bought in 1988. I still wear it. It's a yellow V-neck.

PJ ALSO wonders if I ever lost a job due to quirkiness, and not technically, but I did have a boss who did not like me. She hired me because I am an extrovert and she thought it'd balance her introversion but really what happened is I just irked the shit out of her. Unfortunately I heard her saying this, so I talked to her about it and we tried to work though it but eventually I quit that job because working for someone who finds you awful is sort of agony.

Maryanne asks what the worst job is I ever had, and please see this fine Purple Clover article detailing just that.

PJ, who I am starting to think needs a hobby, wondered how to act if she saw me in a restaurant. One option she listed was could she squee and scream, "IT'S JUNE!" and that's the one I like. Who WOULDN'T want someone to squee because they'd been sighted? I mean, unless I was headed in to Hal's House of STD Treatments or something.

Jeanie wanted to know if Edsel is still training for a half-marathon, as he was my running partner when I was training. He is currently curled up on the floor next to me right now, fast asleep, but if you offered him a 13-mile run, I feel like he would take it and never slow down. As for me? Nope. I will not run ever again. My ankle is STILL effed up.

Talu, by the way, is sitting on the other side of me, and I would like to state right now that her smell is not good. I am thinking a Talu bath may be on the agenda this weekend.

TX Peach and some other readers wanted to hear about last night's pool hall extravaganza. It went like this. Ned got his hair cut, then came to my house right after and we screamed on over to said pool hall, where my coworkers were already half in the bag. No one but Ned wanted to play pool and I offered to take lessons to please him, and he rolled his eyes at me because apparently there's no such thing as pool lessons. Then at about 8:00, he took me home. The end.

Amish Annie wanted a story about my lifelong friend Pal from MA. Once it was Pal's birthday, she was turning five. She and I wore pink dresses and headed to Bill Knapp's, which is this wonderful restaurant chain that is now gone and I hate everything. They give you a whole chocolate cake for your birthday and Bing Crosby sings on the overhead and there's a candle shaped like your age.

My point is, Pal gets her cake and her song and we all clap and some yahoo comes to the table and looks at Pal and me in our pink dresses. "Aren't they cute," she said. Pal announced it was her bday, because attention whore. The woman again exclaims how cute we are and asks, "Are they twins?"

Even at age four and five, we totally rolled our eyes at each other. Really, if you wanted to sum up our 45 years of friendship, it could be summed up in, "They rolled their eyes at each other."

Are they twins. What a maroon.

Amish A also noted that Ned seems so well-adjusted and wonders why. I agree that he is, and I also know of times he's told himself, "I'm going to stop being [insert neurotic or bad trait here]" and he's actually stuck with it. This is one of the things I love about Ned. I have great admiration for Ned, really. Anyway, I wrote and told him about AA's comment and he wrote back that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. So maybe on the inside Ned is a screeching screaming nutbar.

So that sums up what you asked me. There were other Qs but I addressed them in the comments of the last post. One reader said she's ready for a Tallulah guest post, and I just told her and here's her response.

Photo on 2-7-14 at 12.55 PMlu delite

I have no idea why I look so red in that photo. I don't in real life. But I like how there's a photo in back of me embracing Talu, with me embracing Talu in the foreground.

Photo on 2-7-14 at 1.00 PM #5I took a photo with Eds to see if I look red in that picture, and I do. Why so red?