The one where everyone bends over forward to help

It’s Sunday night, and I’m writing you now instead of tomorrow morning because not ONLY do I have my trainer before work in the a.m., but afterward I have to screech over to the lab, not that I am rushing to a dog, although I would.

Three months ago, I had some labs done, not that I arranged for someone to have sex with a bunch of labs. They really need to get two entirely separate words for the dog breed and for the place you have your blood drawn. Why are they the same word?

Anyway, three months ago, I found out my cholesterol was 6,893 and so I started nights with white statins and also working out with my trainer, which is why I never have time to blog in the morning and now we’re back in the full circle of life.

Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhm ingonyama
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Siyo Nqoba

Sorry. Didn’t mean to swear or become The Exorcist. …Is that up there an actual language or did the people who wrote that song just make up words, words that have no meaning, like “narcissist” or “delayed gratification”?

…I just looked it up and it’s Zulu. If anyone up in here speaks Zulu, tell us what those lyrics mean.

ANYWAY, tomorrow after the trainer I have to zip over to the Dalmatian and have my blood drawn to see if the statin islands did me any good, and they might have done me more good if I remembered to take them, you know, every night.

So that’s exciting. And that’s what brings me here on a Sunday, despite that song telling me to never ever on a Sunday, a Sunday.

What is wrong with me tonight? Can you feel the love tonight?

I gathered you all here on this Sunday to tell you about my sex-filled weekend [disclaimer: there was no sex] but first I want to show you all the animals. Well, Edsel is in his dog bed and I can’t see him but you can at least see what all the cats’re up to. Let’s catsup with the cats!

Those really weren’t riveting photos of the cats, per se, but my captions were impeccable.

When Zelda and Lily sleep together, they’re like one gray/white lump.

Also, the fact that there is some video game called Zelda annoys me, and I’d have never gone with that name had I known. Now everyone thinks I’m over here playing Pong and shit. Do you prefer Gilda? But once again, I’m thinking of the movie character and not, say, some random Gilda from a Marvel movie or whatever lowbrow thing there is I don’t know about.

Wait. Why does no one like me? I don’t get it. It’s not at all because I’m Major Burns with my pretentiousness or anything, is it?

Oh my god, the weekend. Or as the kids spell it, weeknd.

On Friday, I feel like I worked late and then looked at fireflies till late. I can’t recall anything else that happened.

But on SATURDAY, my friend Marianne came to see me, and at this point I feel like the same people have been reading me since aught six and don’t need me to tell the whole “Who’s Marianne and how do you know her” story. Old friend who lives in Charlotte. The end.

Anyway, she and I were gonna meet in Winston-Salem, because meeting in Winston tastes good like a cigarette should, but she offered to come all the way here, as she knew I had a fairly harrowing week. As soon as she got here (she brought me a peach-colored iris plant in honor of Iris, and I planted it out front. Further reports as blooms warrant), my lounge chair also got here, and I said, “Oh! My chair! Let’s just put it together and we can go!”

She’d wanted to go to the hippie crystal store in my neighborhood. So we figured clip clap cloom, the chair would piece together and boom, we were off. I really thought that.

An hour later, we were still in my back yard, on the hot patio in the hot sun having a hot girl summer with ZERO INSTRUCTIONS for the chair. And it had bolts and nuts and washers and dryers and oh my god we did not know what we were doing. So then we texted A, my neighbor, who has come over to rescue me from other disasters, such as the time I removed my doorknob and deadbolt and was unable to fit the new one in and it was getting dark and the old one no longer fit cause I’d sanded the hole, so to speak, and anyway sadly for A, she answered my text and then came right over.

An hour after that first enjoyable hour, we were all on my hot patio in the hot son having a hot dog! good time STILL PUTTING THAT FEKKING CHAIR TOGETHER.

And I say “we” but really I stood there like a princess, like a princess she was lying there, moonlight dancing off her hair, because did I know the first thing about putting that chair together with no instructions? Am I able to look at a chair and use my spatial relations skills to piece nuts and bolts and washers and dryers together to make a chair?

I am not.

So finally, FINALLY, those two bitches finished my chair and I was able to lounge on it the way god intended. But then we had like six minutes till the hippie crystal store closed, and so we all screamed over to it.

Naturally, A. took a big shine to Marianne, as everyone does, and I announced that I wish just once, someone would be all, “Your friend Marianne kind of sucks.” But no. My whole family is always all, “Oh! How is Marianne!” or “You’re gonna see Marianne!? Aww.”

At the store, Marianne got her eye of Newt Gingrich or whatever it was she needed so she could go home and hail Satan or whatever, and then we all went to the brewery, wherein I bought everyone a drink to thank them for doing manual labor for me.

A. told me how she’s going to a tattoo party in a few weeks and is deciding what tattoo to get, and she said I could come too and now I am obsessing over what I can get. Maybe I’ll get sleeved out, or have my whole face done like that Post Toasty or whatever his name is.

When I was at the crystal store with Marianne looking into the soul of the person next to me, I signed up for a tarot reading, which careful readers will note I could just do myself, as I know how to do the tarot. But this reader was the same person who, in 2011, predicted I’d meet Ned at the beginning of 2012, and careful readers will note I got Lily and Ned on the same day: January 5, 2012. Then two days later I broke my vomit streak and Lily was probably all, “wyyy Lillee have to live in pyuke howse?”

Anyway, I’d love to go get my pages of notes from today’s (yesterday’s, for the rest of you, since I’m writing on Sunday) reading, but since I have starting penning this tome the following has happened:

Milhous was ALSO up on me but when I grabbed my phone to show you my three cat night, he left in a huff. How dare I move freely. Anyway, don’t be sad, cause two out of three ain’t bad and it’s also enough cat on me that I feel guilty about getting up to get my notes.

But I remember some predictions. She said I have money coming my way, and I always appreciate cash money. She also thinks I will be doing more with my own tarot readings in the future. Also too, she thinks I will start a romantic relationship in October and that it will lead to a commitment, or perhaps I will need to be committed, either way.

I was thinking I was done with relationships, so we’ll see. Remind me, when I’m swept up in hot heaty hot romance at Halloween that the tarot reader predicted this.

She said other things but cats prohibiting me from note-looking.

I had better go. I like to get my workout clothes all laid out so that I can jump into them like a Porky Pig cartoon, remember that one? Where he gets up in the morning and leaps into his clothes? Well. His shirt. He leaped into his shirt. He never did pull on any pants. How did he not get fired?

My 97 cats and the one dog will talk at you tomorrow. Well. Day after tomorrow, for me. Tomorrow for you. Dear June: Get over the part where you’re writing this on Sunday.


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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

48 thoughts on “The one where everyone bends over forward to help”

  1. That reminds me I need to go back to the reading you did for me I see if any came true. You did mine each month for a year. Some things have happened and now I need to go see if you told me any of them.


      1. Well, not to get all technical or anything, but I think there is a square black plug thing that you stick in the wall and somehow that attaches to the pink drill thing (do you mean the electric screwdriver, mine doesn’t have a drill)?


  2. It WAS you! I’ve followed your blog since 2011-ish and very nearly had a heart attack in the cute little tea shop next to the hippie crystal store when I realized you were probably who I thought you were. I’m too awkward to say anything so I was just over in the corner with my husband being odd while he tried to convince me to say hello.


    1. Oh my god, you should have said hello! That was the first thing I had eaten all day and I was feeling decidedly peckish. I was moments from fainting. Still, it would’ve been fun to see you!



  3. I love that the picture of The Lion King printed the lyrics! And that Rogue translated them for us! I also never knew that it was Zulu! The more you know… (Is that what was said in that sing-song way on TV? NBC?)

    Anyway, that chair looks AWESOME. All you need is a drink and a book.

    Hope everything comes out okay at the lab.

    Lovely post, lovely June!


  4. Oh my I am feeling so laughfilly at the moment. I know that is not a word but I liked it
    The Poet – love the Poet. The Ostrich kicking mad me think about how a mouse can eat an elephant – one bite at a time! Well, it is a therapist thing!
    Laughing a lot. Love to know if the statins worked!


  5. Moments ago I read that an ostrich can kill a lion, if cornered, by kicking it. I don’t recall seeing any ostriches in The Lion King. This is the kind of information one accidentally puts into one’s head while looking up puffin eyelids. Google proudly presents a list of questions like “Is puffin a penguin?” “Where can I hold a puffin?” “Do puffins beaks fall off?” and next thing you know you’re reading about barn owls glowing in UV light and ostriches when frightened.


  6. Delightful post. I am in awe of the way your creative brain works.
    I have absolutely zero spatial skills. I am glad to see some women have them.


  7. No instructions for assembly? Not even the warnings to not shove parts up your butt or use near the bathtub or anything? Slackers.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Cat feng shui , the zig zag walk.

    Ina gahd dah veedah baby, or also ,too ,in the garden of Eden mama.


  9. Those lyrics sound like opera lyrics, where they do a lotta singing and say nothing. Cute post!


  10. That chair looks totally worth the hassle. That’s a book in the shade and I lounge chair!

    Let us know how Staten Island went.


  11. Brilliant post! Almost TOO funny. (No such thing.) I understand that you wrote it Sunday, but you have perked up my Monday so thank you!


  12. The Legend of Zelda game(s) started about 35 year ago. I gave my (now grown) children them for Christmas. I started playing the latest Zelda game a couple of years ago. And with all of that, I never connected your Zelda with those games. Now, if you’d named her Atari, that would be a different story.


  13. Your weekend sounds lovely, and productive! I can’t wait until my husband and I have our second shots and we can live again. I could hear the excitement in your voice, just wonderful.

    Thank you Rogue for the translated lyrics. I have always wondered at the meaning.


  14. You definitely need to do more with your Tarot readings! Here is what you sent me last year August 2020,

    “Have any of you have any problems with your eyes like an inflammation or blurred vision? It could be a soft tissue problem or a fungal infection. You’re going to experience an event that will change your perspective entirely. It will be a change for the better; it could even be due to a sudden windfall.”

    Around that time is when I started having that issue with infection in my lower abdomen, the one I had surgery for this year! So, it wasn’t in my eyes, but still … it was a soft tissue problem, so maybe it counts! Also, Jim’s mom sent him money because she had helped her other son buy a lot adjoining his property …. oooo eee oooo!!!


  15. This post was so fun that I lost track of the times I laughed or snorted out loud. I also very much enjoyed catching up with the cats. Never enough cat pictures, I always say!

    Maybe in October you’re going to commit to a black lab? I would say black cat to fit the Halloween thing, but you have one of those.


  16. Marianne? Awwww! I love her!

    Those are two good friends right there, M & A. I DESPISE putting things together. Even if there are instructions, they write them on a piece of paper that would have come in the Cracker Jack box in yesteryear in a font so small an ant couldn’t read it. The last thing I had to assemble had two different parts list wherein the parts were numbered differently on each list. Like trick instructions. What happened to just buying the thing already put together?

    Good luck at the Lab lab today! I hope you pass!


    1. I just got back from the lab and there was not a dog in sight. What do we prefer? Chocolate? Black? Yellow? I like the controversial silver Lab.


  17. Love this post! Major Burns. FRANK! says Margaret. How nice of your friends to just put that lounge together for you. Why is it cats never walk in a straight line, they seem to zig zag through the yard. You are a nobody until you have been ignored by a cat.


  18. Here are the translated lyrics:

    Here comes a lion, father, Oh yes it’s a lion.

    ‘Here comes a lion, father, Oh yes it’s a lion. A lion we’re going to conquer, a lion, a lion and a leopard come to this open place.’


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