June and her sherry clutch purse

Yesterday was a DAY, that began with me having to read a magazine for work. I know, that sounds so relaxing, right? Like I should be in a turban with my feet in some sort of spa bath thing. What are those called? I don’t think the good inventors of the spa bath thing called it a “spa bath thing.”

Truth be told, I prefer long assignments at work. I didn’t mind getting a magazine. Ideally, I’d have had the whole day interruption-free to really concentrate on it but of course that didn’t happen.

First of all, Iris was at the vet, which careful readers already know because I took her to the vet right up in the middle of yesterday’s scintillating post. A post in which we also argued about the 10 Commandments being in the Capitol, and one reader said, “Yes, they are” and another said, “No, they aren’t” and there we have it. Hello, state of America right now.

First, the vet called to say Iris’s thyroid was OK but her white blood count was up. So then he did an ultrasound. Then he called to say she definitely is having a bad bout of irritable bowel, and we need to

PILL

HER

for two weeks.

Dudes, I can’t. I tried last night. I tried today. It’s not that she flails. She doesn’t. She sits there and foams at the mouth, and she will do so till the end of time, and when you finally let her go, she coughs it back up. She is the worst pill-taker I have ever had. It’s her special gift.

I ordered her stomach food in canned form, to try to disguise it in there, but I know it won’t work. She’s never gonna take this pill.

So that was distracting yesterday.

So, even though I finally did read that magazine, I asked when the real deadline was and I can look at it again today, so Ima do it again today.

Let’s pause a moment and discuss “Ima.” Ima is short for “I’m gonna.” Please do not give me the angina by saying, “June, Ima gonna go here.” You don’t know how that pierces my soul.

Anyway, when I was finally done with that I did some more of your tarot readings last night and then finally, FINALLY, I got to the best part of my day. It was late, but I got to it.

As a Christmas present to my own self, I got me a 1979 Cosmopolitan magazine, the January one that contains the Cosmo Bedside Astrologer. It’s a fabulous guide to love and sex, career, finances … like I was having any of those at age 13, which is what I was in January 1979. You know, January 1979 is when I started my first period. You’re welcome. I had the last one the day we elected Donald Trump. You’re welcome again.

Anyway, it was fabulous. Just like that fabulous guide. Oh my god, I want ALL the Cosmos from the 1970s. This is my new life goal. Hang on …

Dude, do you remember these stupid ads ^^^ that were in ALL our beauty magazines back then? I had completely wiped them from my mind. I was forever wanting to send away for this collection of products, because who doesn’t want to spritz on some Anne Klein Blazer before a day of 8th grade, and I never sent away for it because I made zero money.

I also realize this is a terrible photo but Milhous was on me and I didn’t want to bug him.

Even though I could never afford to give the answers plus One Dollar to get the MakeOver (a camel humping that doesn’t bug me at all), I always took this quiz IN MY MIND. What lip color DO I use most? Corals? Cinnamons? I really didn’t know. [Update from 43 years of putting on makeup: Corals and cinnamons make me look like an anemic homeless person.]

Dammit, y’all. I always wanted the luxurious enamel butterfly pendant, as it was FREE. But no. Also, if I took this quiz now, I’d just be in that 50+ group. Like, sure, you old guys at the back. Here’s your free luxurious butterfly pendant, practically dead person. We’ll put the mixed eye shadow shades on your corpse in the open casket.

Speaking of my future, naturally I took a look at my year ahead, if my year ahead were 1979. What I was most interested in were what fashions I should wear. I was always most interested in this, even back then, and I’d like to once again point out to the crowd that I had no scratch and my entire wardrobe was dictated by Grammy, who schlepped me off to the department store semi-annually to buy me navy-blue cordoroys and kelly-green crewnecks. So.

“Zodiac” capitalized does not at all make my nethers twitch. I’ll feel better once I get some hanging ferns in an antique cage. Hang on. Wait, where does one buy an antique cage? Can I just buy Nicolas Cage? Is that close enough?

Anyway, I’m glad we could look at Cosmopolitan together and there’s more where THAT came from if you wish. I leave you with this.

Lucky us!

Tugging on my navy drawstring pants,
June

P.S. Who was Carol Lawrence and why were we listening to her and her Irish sweater?

Published by

June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

55 thoughts on “June and her sherry clutch purse”

  1. Hmm. January 1979. I hoped but had no idea I would actually spend nine and a half months of that year pregnant. So no fuchsia, split all the way up dress for me. I did, however, sew myself some maternity pants with drawstrings so that’s accurate as I am also a Cancer. Also? I am so sorry about the pill situation. Giving a cat a pill? Why do they even bother to ask us to do that? It’s never going to end well.

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  2. Heartbroken over Lilly foaming at the mouth… have you tried crushing the pills? (Sorry, advice, but I feel your pain and have to try)

    Hope it works and she feels better!

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  3. I also want The Poet to give a talk on the Deep Meaning of poetry by Suzanne Somers. Without retching.

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  4. I prefer my chocolate and mint sans coffee. I think Carol Lawrence was the original Maria in West Side Story. I had no idea what she did between that and trying not to make Orange Cappuccino and Suisse Mocha feel like second best. And Koala Raspberry gave me the chance to trot out my old story of working in a bookstore when Color Me Beautiful and The Color Purple were on the bestseller table. Customers would come in and ask for Color Me Purple and we’d try to guess which they meant. Thank you, Koala.

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  5. Might have read that issue. The odd couples had reasons why they were together. In one case, there was a “secret gift” involved in how she landed him. My teen self wondered about that. A similar item in another issue was about how to act when you are someone’s date at the Gotbux’s fancy dinner party. Feeling inferior? Don’t! just be yourself. You can also snicker inwardly when you remind yourself that Mrs. Gotbux has to sleep with Mr. Gotbux.

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  6. How hilarious would it be if you filled out that quiz as if you were back in 1979 and mailed it right off with a dollar?! You know some random person would open that mail and be like WHAT am I supposed to do with this? Do we have any make up to send this crazy lady? Ohhh, I dare you!!

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  7. My mother began a Cosmo subscription when I was 11, and she left them around so I guess she didn’t mind if my older sister and I read them. Of course, I do remember thinking it was so scandalous back then. The issues which had the semi-nude centerfold of Burt Reynolds, and some other actor who was very popular at the time but I can’t remember his name now, she kept those in her closet but I would sneak in and look at them. I think I was curious and horrified at the same time. Mom used to get some kind of beauty box delivery, and she always bought it, because she felt quilty about sending it back. I think they contained a lot of sienna blush and pot-o-gloss, what a color! I used to buy an occasional Cosmo in my twenties but then I just stopped buying it and stuck with Glamour. Do they even make that anymore? Now if I buy a magazine it’s usually an In-Style, I enjoy that one.

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  8. 1979 was the year I moved to Georgia. I’ve been here a loooooong time. It’s also been a long time since I’ve thought of Carol Lawrence.

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  9. My parents never, ever censored our reading so my sisters and I were always reading Cosmo, along with Playboy and my mom’s trashy romance novels. And I was 16 in 1979, had just lost my virginity and felt oh-so mature and sophisticated learning how to Please A Man just from reading articles in Cosmopolitan.

    Good times, man; good times.

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    1. The funny thing is that I was a virgin until I was eighteen and a half. I was mentally sexually precious and holding out for true love. My mother was not a reader. My dad had porn in his book case headboard that I borrowed at thirteen or so. My aunt loved those trashy romance magazines and my cousin and I borrowed them and got caught and punished. Poor Sue, I was the master mind behind the majority of our escapades.

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  10. I recall those magazines so clearly. I still have all my 16 and Seventeen magazines somewhere. I’m saving them until they’re worth something. 😉 The thing that really jumped out for me was the “Dark” complexion. That is white. Seems weird to deny a huge swath of society the joys of a FREE butterfly necklace!

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  11. Oh the good old Cosmos…I snuck and read my moms when I was WAY too young to do so…and I will be checking the age group before 50+ until someone grabs the rouge from my wizened, shrunken claw of a hand.

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  12. I was reading Cosmo at sixteen when my mother finally caught on to how filthy it was. She rolled it up and swatted me with it. You (swat) are getting (swat) too big (swat) for your britches (swat). I was reading it openly. It’s a damn good thing she never found the Playgirl and Penthouse Forums I had hidden a year later. I bought Cosmo for the bedside Astrologer later on.
    I remember 1978 had a metallic brick as the popular blush and lipstick color. I bought Estee Lauder and thought I was the shit. The color was all wrong for me but this was long before Color Me Beautiful would inform us on that front. I wore rust clothing too, also not flattering. I was probably still wearing some of that in 1979.

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  13. Carol Lawrence was a broadway actress and singer. She played the lead in Camelot on broadway which at the time was the biggest hit ever. She was not memorable for much else as I remember. That’s probably why she ended up in coffee ads.

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  14. I love looking at magazines from way back when. I volunteered as the library aide during high school. For some reason my little old man of a librarian kept every single magazine that was ever made. They were all organized and tucked away in a closet. Oh how I loved it. I read every single one of them at least once.

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  15. Ha ha – Cosmo! It seems there was a time when they covered that magazine up at the grocery store – or maybe just turned it around? And of course, that would make us want to buy it just that much more! I guess it was semi pornographic, according to the supermarket people? I remember that issue – with the Bedside Astronomer! I probably kept it and maybe just threw it out. I need help with my hoarding.

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  16. Oh man. For some reason my mother had a slew of old magazines hanging around and when I was 12 I looked through them. I loved the time capsule of looking back 10+ years at the adverts and the fashions, etc. I read every dang advertisement. Especially when they used to be like novellas, remember that? Like 12 paragraphs to describe a carpet or new car or orange juice. LOL

    Also, I adored looking at my friend’s magazines geared towards teens. Our favourite thing was to read the embarrassing confessions.

    And finally, I remember I was about 16 or 17 when they totally re-vamped the magazine 17 and I effing HATED all the changes they made. I used to rather like looking at magazines and now I can barely stand it. Makes me sad as I used to enjoy it. I’m not sure why I can’t stand them now.

    Anyway. I love it when vets are like “shove this awful tasting paste down your animals throat.” or “can you give them eleventy-bagillion pills a day? Should be no problem, right?” It’s like……. have you vets even MET A FUCKING ANIMAL BEFORE?!?

    Seriously though. What a palava for you and poor Iris. I also wish they understood we are just trying to help.

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  17. Back then I was addicted to Cafe Vienna, big time. Made special trips to the store when I ran out. Probably gained a few pounds on it.

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    1. It was French Vanilla for me and there was an Orange Mocha (I think) that I adored. I was majorly addicted too. Now it’s French Vanilla or Caramel Cappuccino pods.

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  18. I love love love this post. I graduated high school in 1980 an I am a Cancer too. I sit here typing right now wearing a halter top split almost to my waist. Please do more old magazines posts! AND one of my cats has almost same condition and WE CANNOT get the pills into her and the vet has no solution and she is pooping pudding all over. HELP. Yes, I need the upper case today. Sorry.
    Thanks for making my day!

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  19. Loved that trip down memory lane. In the seventies, I lived on International Coffees Swiss Mocha, and had forgotten about it until now. I’ve cleaned out a lot of estates and I think that out of the hundreds of jewelry boxes I’ve plundered through, 99% of them had that butterfly pendant. I’ll save one for you next time I see one!

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  20. Sweet Iris. My Sweet Pea kitty would foam at the mouth when I would give her meds. It’s horrible. I don’t have any suggestions, unless liquid might work. By the year 1979 I was married and way too chea…frugal to spend money on a beauty magazine because I was probably buying other stuff, maybe traveling. Yep, it was traveling that was taking the money. It was well worth it.
    Tee

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  21. I do adore how you treat yourself after a long day of magazine reading by reading a magazine. Livin’ it up in 2021.

    JP,H&B I ran through that same gamut of actresses, and landed on married to Robert Goulet. As we have learned recently, we will just assume that is correct and share that information broadly, rather than using the technology at our fingertips and looking it up.

    1979. I graduated high school and had no fashion sense. Never occurred to me to check my Fashion Zodiac. I was still reading Seventeen. Maybe that was my problem.

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  22. In January, 1979 I was newly pregnant with my first child. In those days you only got an ultrasound if there was a problem so I wouldn’t know boy or girl until he was born. These days I’m helping with his first born while he and his wife work from home.

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      1. Oh my God, I remember those. The tubes were placed over a slanted mirror and if you saw a black ring, it meant you were knocked up.

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  23. Navy drawstring pants sound comfortable. Like sweatpants, right? Good luck with Iris and the pills. One of my cats is prone to upper respiratory infections and sometimes it’s bad enough he has to go to the vet. When I took him, the vet gave him an injection that was time-released or something. Anyway, no pills. Then my husband took him once and came home with pills. From the way he got quiet when I wondered why they didn’t do the injection, I can only assume he was offered a choice and chose pills. Never again. (I know the injection does not apply to your situation, just sympathizing with trying to get pills into a cat.)

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  24. I simply cannot wait to see you in your halter-topped “fuscia” chiffon dress slit almost to the waist. Or to the matte jersey.

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  25. That makeup ad reminded me of the Columbia House ads. THIRTEEN RECORDS OR TAPES FOR $1.00!!! ANY EIGHT CDS OR TWELVE CASSETTES FOR $1.00!

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        1. Oh, same. In the ’90s, I had this friend whose husband I tortured and he in turn tortured me. I was in one of those book clubs and had a book sent to him called Sex For One. Years later, he was vacationing in Hawaii and sent me a Chia penis.

          I miss him.

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  26. Lovely post Coot.
    Not to give advice, but have you asked your vet if they can give Iris’ medicine in liquid form. You may have to have it compounded at a special pharmacy but is much easier.
    1979…was a very good year. I was stepping out in my Disco Duds, with my hair feathered and curled and my purple eyeshadow and brown blush. Ah to be young and thin.

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  27. I used to BEG my mother to buy me a few different tins of General Foods International Coffee. I knew I would be instantly cooler and wiser and more caffeinated. She never would buy them for me. This is why I can never say no to an overpriced, fancy international coffee.

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    1. You’re in luck — they still make it! I have a tin of Cafe Francais in he kitchen right this very minute. Except it’s not a tin any more. Just plastic.

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  28. I rushed here to say, OMG June, she was on the Carol Burnett Show! She played the sister! But no, that was Vicki Lawrence. Then I thought, Oh wait! She was Steve Lawrence’s wife! Thankfully my coffee kicked in and I realized, no that was Eydie Gorme, she of the weird spelling. But I do think Carol Lawrence was an actress, maybe on Broadway? Maybe married to Robert Goulet? With whom I share a birthday, btw. The DAY, not the YEAR. God. Now I have to google fucking it because clearly there are too many people with the last name Lawrence.

    I graduated college in 1979. I’m afraid to even think what my horoscope may have been.

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