#s

It is Monday morning, but you knew that. I am in my kitchen, at my round breakfast table, writing to you atop my grandmother’s Christmas tablecloth.

Gramma didn’t go in for subtle when it came to Christmas. She wasn’t all, “Oh, I’ll just place this pine branch across a white tablecloth and call it a day.” No.

Don’t you hate it when people pronounce it “acrosst”?

Anyway, it’s Monday, which I mentioned. I had a ridiculous morning in which everything took longer than I wanted it to, and just as I was getting ready to write you, and also rite you, with my communion and my oils, I got a text from my trainer, fmr., who is chipper in the a.m. By 8 a.m. she has been up three and a half hours and has already gotten in 10,000 steps and worked with at least two clients.

GOOD MORNING! [happy emoji of some sort]. OK if I get my equipment today!!?!?! [sunny cheerful embrace life active emojis that enjoy kale] [is there even a kale emoji? because she may have used that]

I’m all, wait, wut? Who is this? What…is this still 2020? Who am I?

Anyway, I had to lug the exercise ball, the 8-pound weights, the 3-pound weights, the resistance band, the OTHER resistance band holding its fist in the air and the…well I guess that was it. But I had to lug it all to the porch. That was today’s workout.

…OH MY GOD WHAT’S WITH THIS COFFEE?

I’ve been taking that anti-seizure medication for four weeks now, and I think it’s messing with my sense of taste. I can TASTE things, COVID police, they just taste wrong. Like, I made ground turkey the other day and it tasted like bug spray. This coffee I’m supposed to be giving up anyway tastes like … hang on…

Maybe it’s because I have my violet lip balm on. It just tastes off. It would be virtually impossible to have the COVID as I go nowhere and do nothing, although I did see the Lottie Blancos this weekend for about 10 minutes, outdoors at a distance with our masks on. Maybe I got cursed with the COVID then. That would be just my fekking luck while the rest of you go off on girls weekends unscathed.

This would have been the weekend that the L Blancos would have had their Christmas party, so because they couldn’t have it, they made little gift bags and went to each guest’s house and dropped off a bag really fast. In my bag was dark chocolate, and homemade poppy seed cake with this glaze on it that is delicious, and pretty much I have torn through my gift bag and please note the juxtaposition between the trainer and my Lottie Blanco gift bag.

I am enormous, have I mentioned? It’s absurd. All I do is lie around and read romance magazines from bygone eras and grow large. And is that so bad, given we are in a plague? Probably. Because see above re huge. I forget being huge is also bad for one’s health.

In other news, I tried to start making my end-of-year video this weekend. First of all, I have literally added no new songs to my music this year. NONE! Now, romance magazines from bygone eras. THOSE I’ve added. Cats? Added! Pounds! Brought those on board!

So then I tried to look at songs I already own, to find a song that says, yes, this sums up our current situation, but it seemed so obvious to have, like,

So I’m still playing with songs. I finally just went down my list and waited till a song delighted me and the only song that did was the Pixies’ Where Is My Mind. Which has nothing to do with anything; I just like it.

John Lennon needed to get over himself. There’s nothing worse than a youngish man anyway–men that age are so certain they know everything. Then be the most famous man of your era and be kind of an asshole anyway, and you get John Lennon. Carrying on about how he was abandoned while abandoning his son. It rankles.

That said, I have high hopes that he’d have realized all this had he had a chance to age. He had good person potential.

Also, I just have one more thing to say. If you’re on Facebook of June, we have a little thing going on where we’re posing with our Christmas trees, based on this series of old snapshots someone found of middle-aged midcentury women posing with their trees.

I thought I’d saved some of those to my desktop but it appears I did not. I did, however, save a bunch of midcentury women in furs, such as this gem, and everything about this photo delights me other than thinking of the poor animal. Still.

Anyway, I took my OWN photo with my “Christmas tree,” which is really a foot-tall feather tree that Wedding Alex gave me. I keep getting her leftover feminine Xmas decorations that her husband eschews.

As time marches on and I see more comments re my festive holiday photo, I am realizing people do not realize I AM WEARING A DRESS. What the eff do you think I’m wearing? My festive holly t-shirt?

It’s a dress I ordered offa the internet last year, for my work Christmas party. It was like $6 and came from China and it’s practically see-through so I didn’t wear it. But I also put this photo on Instagram and people are all, “That’s a DRESS?” and I just can’t figure out what the hell else it could be.

In summation, yes. It’s a dress. I also tossed it, as not only is it see-through, it doesn’t even fit, because all I do is lie around and read romance magazines from bygone eras and eat literal pound cake.

We need to bring back the long-form romance magazine. If I have the attention span for them, others do too. I like them not because reading romance interests me that much. It’s part of my obsession with reading about the everyday of bygone eras, a thing that began with Laura Ingalls Wilder, got further enhanced by my 1940s photographs of Norma and Vern, and is probably why I keep blogging even though everyone else went on to, I don’t know. What does everyone else do now? They tick and tock or whatever.

I just love reading about how someone gets a letter saying, “My secretary quit. Would you like to be my secretary now?” Or how they have coffee after dinner. Or how they’re delighted to have a “cute two-room apartment.” That’s the stuff that rivets me. I never care that Brett huskily tells Mona how beautiful she is. We all know Brett’s gonna fuck up somehow.

I gotta go. I knew it’d be quiet at first, as everyone has to do whatever it is they do first at work before stuff gets to me, but now there are messages coming to me asking if I can, you know, copy edit stuff and I said yes. She said yes! He went to Jared! He went to copy edit!

Love,
June

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June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

54 thoughts on “#s”

  1. I’ll never look as elegant as the woman in the picture. She’s probably dressed to go shopping. My mom tells us that in the ’50s it was common to dress up in hat, heels and gloves to go downtown. Today, it’s all about comfort for me and can’t imagine how much her feet must have hurt after walking around downtown in heels or as we called them, high heels.

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  2. I pronounce “both” “bolth” and am teased mercilessly for it. But it’s better than “ider”. Ugg. Who came up with that one?

    No one I know drops off anything tasty to my house. Extra insulting because one of my neighbors is a gourmet dessert chef. She claims to love me, too. I must be way more offensive than I think I am.

    I love that dress on you, paper or not. Being festive can be fun.

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  3. I thought the dress was just a top, but the photos revealed more on my laptop than the dinky phone. I feel your pain, I feel like a whale. I’ve already thrown out goodies I made for Thanksgiving. I think I’m going to take the chocolate chips to the freezer in the basement so I don’t eat them all before doing any baking and have to buy more. How nice of the Lotties to deliver goodies to the guests of their nonparty.
    Tee

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  4. Love your festive photos in front of your feather tree. Wedding Alex’s loss was your gain and I can’t imagine going to anyone else but you.

    The Lottie Blancos are such good friends to spread holiday cheer in lieu of their annual party. They set a high bar for the rest of us.

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    1. I am old enough to have actually wore pettipants to school. WAY back, if we wore a dress to school and wanted to play on the monkey bars, we had to wear pettipants under our dress. I loved dresses and loved the monkey bars, so pettipants for me. FYI, my sisters and I took years of gymnastics, so monkey bar love.

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  5. I have been guilty of trying to save something that should not be saved. Like a paper dress, Oh if I find a slip, If I find a belt, If I wear a sweater over it, etc. If it does not work…it never will. Toss now or toss later.

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  6. FWIW, I don’t think you look enormous. But I understand that you probably feel enormous. I know I sure do.

    That sucks about your medicine making everything taste yucky. I imagine I might eat less if it all tasted gross. Of course probably sweet stuff would still taste good to me and I would continue on to be the size of a double-wide.

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  7. I too have fallen victim to those “it was only $7 and is coming from China” and have the nerve to be shocked when it isn’t everything I dreamed of.

    I am having real life bra struggles and am sick of not having something that doesn’t have the elastic I am newly allergic and also fits. I ordered 3 bras for $24 from China and I should have known that is not a big-busted population. No elastic problems but I had spillage out the front, sides and I think some boob even rolled around to the back. My husband actually said “why would you think China would have big bras?” Why would I think 3/$24 would solve all my problems????

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    1. When I ordered the $7 dress from China, I sort of knew it would be dumb, but I didn’t know it would be paper-dress dumb. But look! I got to pose in it for tens of readers, so it served its purpose.

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    2. “Why would you think China would have big bras?” is gonna be my new go-to.

      I met a Chinese man at an old job who was telling me every time he comes to the US he shops for his son “who’s a real pig. He’s huge. Just enormous!” He had to buy him 34 inch waist pants and large shirts. The pig. I wonder what he thought of me as I stood acrost from him?

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      1. Acrosst. I am dying. Back when I used to leave my house and not reside in here like that girl from The Glass Menagerie, I used to marvel at how tiny all the manicure women were. They were so teensy. Also they could squat in a way that must have to do with being tiny. I miss pedicures. I miss staring at Asian women. I miss the outside.

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      2. What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Remember that one? We can now feel free to substitute, “What does that have to do with the size of bras in China?” Checking out people’s stupified looks can be my new hobby. This should let me collect quite a few new ones. Oh wait, masks. Darn!

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    3. That girl Molly who was on 90 Day Fiancee has a lingerie store in GA. She and her business partner are great at fitting people and even do it on a video call. I am seriously considering doing this because it seems like bras are even more evil and painful than they used to be. For the life of me I can’t remember the name of their business but if you google Molly 90 Day fiancee she will come up. She has a good Instagram account.

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  8. The dress has the same subtle Christmas vibe as the tablecloth. The pattern is great and looks fetching on you. Just like a proper older lady, I bemoan what passes for fabric in today’s clothing. I remember real broadcloth, satin lined wool coats, finished seams.

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  9. I have 3 of those wall hanging guitars that are behind that woman with the mink. They belonged to my mom, she really liked MCM. I had forgotten about them and need to sell them!

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  10. I love the pic of the elegant lady, and pink velvet!!! My mother was this type back in the day, before children came into her life; also younger than this gal. They looked so put together, like really had thought about their appearance. Like French and Italian women dress. Classy.

    I do like the print on your see-June-through dress. Too bad it can’t go out in public. Maybe wrap a pillow in it for holiday cheer.

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  11. My God, the wallpaper! And the midcentury deer head sprouting flowers. And the timeless “Take the picture already!” smile turned grimace, which tradition my daughter proudly carries on. Your Festive Holiday Photos are wonderful, and I especially love the tinsel-hair picture.

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  12. It’s too bad that dress wasn’t good quality. It looks great in the pics! I love that the Lottie’s spread cheer. That reminds me to do something like that for the friends near me.

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  13. The best thing about the Topamax was that I lost weight on it. But only the first time. I tried it twice but both times the side effects got me. I could NOT speak. It does make things taste weird. Especially carbonated beverages.

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      1. I not only lost weight but my ability to think on the Topomax. Seriously, I could not remember how to do my job (computer programming) so had to get off toot sweet.

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        1. Yeah. I stopped Topamax the morning I was in the shower staring at the shampoo and conditioner, flummoxed by what to do first.

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  14. “That’s the stuff that rivets me. I never care that Brett huskily tells Mona how beautiful she is. We all know Brett’s gonna fuck up somehow.”

    Dying, because yes. I think the exact same thing. But I thought your dress was a shirt, which is not the exact same thing. I do adore the Swan Lake-like headpiece acrosst your forehead.

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  15. Lovely festive post, lovely June! And I have that exact same tablecloth, which I inherited from my mother, who was definitely a mid-century woman. Sadly, no one will see it in my house this year, so I will instead direct everyone to your non-blog to see the tablecloth in your house.

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  16. In the punch cup picture you can see it’s a dress more easily. Also, the punch cup reminds me of those old punch bowls with the cups that hung all around the rim on S hooks. Brings back memories of Christmas past but not in the haunting way.

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  17. I also love that dress and the picture with the matching hat, gloves and purse and now of course I want pink accessories.

    One of my many many irks across as acrost there is no T why oh why also malk instead of milk.

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  18. I very much want to know what shoes that woman in the photo is wearing. She matched her gloves and handbag. Are they shoes covered in velvet of the same color. Am dying to know.

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  19. I LOVE that dress and hope you didn’t really throw it out. Couldn’t you wear a slip or pettipants under it. Did you really throw it out? Aunt Kathy

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    1. See? I’m not the only one who loves that dress. In fact I think I’ll go online right now and see if I can find something similar-ish.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. She was warned.
          “Oh, no. Why didn’t I listen? What will Brett think of me? How can I live with this shame?”

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      1. I did go on line looking for it and found one that looks just like it on e-bay. I love the looks of that dress. Paper? Then it would make a great “gown” in the gyno’s office.

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