Mrs. Margarineworth

I’ve been in hell.

I’ve never had a migraine last that long, and you know what? The one before this one lasted a full 24 hours, which is also unusual. THIS one lasted almost 72 fekking hours. So that’s been relaxing. Is this going to be my new thing, extra flavor extra fun in my migraines to come?

And of course I went to work. I just missed a whole week of work, I didn’t dare come back only to call in sick.

You know what finally got rid of it? I’ll tell you. First of all, I called my doctor today, who saw me right away. And by “saw” I mean we Jane Jetsoned it with my computer on and her computer on, talking to each other. What I like best about my doctor right now is that she needs regular glasses but then reading glasses on top of them to see the computer screen, so twice now during this plague I’ve met with her online while she’s wearing two pair of glasses, one right on top of the other like it’s normal.

I shall miss her when she dies or quits or fires me.

Anyway, she told me to take another Imitrex, along with 600 mg of ibuprofen, and she also told me she’d write me a note to get me out of work, and that I should double up on my anti-nausea pills and just go to bed. I told her what I just told you, about how I HAD to work cause I was just gone.

So my plan was to do everything she said except the anti-nausea pills, and because I can never abstain from revealing my whole life to everyone, I announced on Facebook that I was on day three of a migraine and did anyone have a guillotine I could borrow. I was half-kidding.

“Stick your feet in hot water and put ice on your neck,” said a kid I went to junior high with. I realize the best part of life is the thinner slice and also that no one calls it junior high anymore, but I’m sorry, when I was in school we called it junior high WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

And you know what I did? I listened to the dude I went to junior high with.


Sticking my feet in hot water and putting ice on my neck WORKED. I had to redo it after awhile, as the pain crept back, so the second time I did it I also took the ibuprofen, but not the prescription drugs, and I’ll be damned if I’m not almost OK right now.

So there you go.

Meanwhile, you should see my house. Remember Fred Sanford’s? My house, with me doing nothing since Saturday night, is not what you’d call camera-ready. Oh my god. Oh my garsh, as my JUNIOR HIGH teacher used to pronounce it.

There were dishes in the sink, a thing that bothers me greatly in normal, nonsick life. There were opened boxes from my HelloFresh deliveries and Ring doorbell deliveries and so on. There was laundry, all the microfiber towels and that sort of kitchen linen category stuff, just thrown onto the kitchen table because I was lucky I even took anything out of the dryer at all, so ill was I.

I mean, everywhere I looked tonight after work, there was something to tidy.

And I’ve committed myself to so much STUFF this week. I told this guy who got laid off that I’d look at his portfolio. I told someone I’d write her obituary. I have two vet appointments and today I clean forgot about my flu shot at my doctor. I also have one scheduled at work later, so that’s not the end of the world, but it makes me feel icky to have forgotten.

I have a financial advisor tomorrow night, in an attempt to not end up under a bridge for my retirement.

Also I had my trainer last night and again Thursday. Can you believe I went to the trainer yesterday? As crappy as I felt? I mean, I felt rotten. And yet there I was last night, in m’workout pants and my t-shirt, the energy of a thousand suns flowing within me. It must have felt like training Mrs. Butterworth. I took my own sweet time, I can tell you that.

Why do I always opt for Mrs. Butterworth as my example? Surely there was some other odd character from my years spent before the television. Why do I never whip out Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee, or Toucan Sam? The Freakies?

But no. I always go back to the woman who bathed my flapjacks in her sweet slow syrup.

Anyway, so I feel, like, 70% better right now, and tomorrow morning I have to cram both Iris and Forest into the same cat carrier, as I own only one now, thanks to the shelter stealing mine. We have to be at the vet at 8:30, and I plan to just work from there whilst they observe Iris for thyroid and make sure Forest is a boy. I assure you he is a boy, as I have seen his Sherwood Forest. If you’re picking up what I’m cutting down. I have seen the Forest from his tree.

I’d be funnier if I weren’t coming off a migraine. It’s like June, now swathed in cotton.

Ima take all the sheets and wrinkly bedspread off and put on new stuff, as the old stuff is all twisted and I was sickly in it and I want everything to be clean and welcoming. Even when I sleep with a migraine, I am off. I know the whole time I’m asleep that I have one. And usually my teeth hurt the next day cause I’ve been grinding them against the pain.

Migraines. Go get one soon!

A woman I used to work with likes to travel all over yonder, a thing I have never had much passion for. And anyway, she was in, like, Vietnam when she got her first-ever migraine. As she lay there, she thought of all the times I had one and she could never quite understand how a headache could do me in the way it did. Till then. In Vietnam.

Lieutenant Dan, indeed.

I’ll talk to you later, after I’ve taken the cats to the vet and met with my financial advisor who is going to say, “Marry a rich man” and so forth. If you need me before then, stick your feet in hot water.


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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

48 thoughts on “Mrs. Margarineworth”

  1. I myself am on vacation, and I woke up with a migraine ALONG WITH “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before” stuck in my head. So now I will put my feet in hot water and ice on my neck and blast “Ode to Billy Joe” until I pass out.


  2. Marry a rich man or win the lottery. I also too have a messy Home. Mine due to hyperemesis (constant nausea and vomit during the whole pregnancy). Lovely post, Juno


  3. Mrs. Margarineworth only made sense halfway through the post. Nice to have those little rewards planted.
    Sometimes figuring out the title feels like a treasure hunt and it’s a little moment of excitement when I get it. I’m easily amused. And I pander.


    1. My MIL wrote her own. It was a gift we didn’t realize we needed when the time came. I wrote my father’s – and it is one of the loneliest, most sad, yet reverent actions I could do for him.


  4. Am I the only one for whom “Lieutenant Dan, indeed” resulted in a fantastic case of the giggles?
    Even migraine hungover, your writing is great!


  5. Thank goodness your friend from junior high mentioned the novel suggestion that actually helped. How did Iris and Forest survive the shared carrier?

    Thinking of everyone dealing with Hurricane Sally. Tee, Fay, Beverly and I, along with your other faithful Atlanta readers are preparing for wind and rain here.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. We’re now supposed to get up to 9″ of rain in Charlotte (up from 5) and it looks like Greensboro is also going to get a good gully washer.


  6. The doctor with 2 pairs of glasses, HUH? Like what in the world.

    Oh my gosh the Shorewood Forest bit- brilliant.

    Never heard of freakies. Those migraines sound AWFUL. My house looks like someone has been suffering from a horrid headache but we have no such excuse. Love that you stumbled on a cure on FB.

    “Marry a rich man.” . . . hilarious.


  7. Rock on with your bad junior high self. Junior high was a big deal.
    OMGG….. oh my goodness gracious. Hot feet cold neck and it works , “”prays” Jesus it worked.
    I know that isn’t right.
    I am just super glad for you that something has finally worked. Thank you ‘old’ friend from jr. high.
    BE GONE with the migraines….do you hear me , BE GONE. — old witches spell… yes, old spell from an old witch.


  8. I’m sharing that trick with my daughter who has migraines all the time. Thank you.

    I have to comment on the header. We just inherited a huge amount of things from my father-in-law who passed away last fall. One was a pair of binoculars in a brown leather case. I took them with me on a walk last night since there are blue herons to see where I walk. When I saw the brown leather thing in the header picture I immediately recognized it as the same binocular case.


  9. Your migraines sound completely awful. I do not get headaches, but I do get auras usually triggered by weird lights or strong smells. One of the worst ones was from sitting behind a woman with crazy perfume at church. (Barf!) I wonder if the hot feet cold neck trick works for that.
    I am married to a financial advisor so imagine how much financial advise I hear on the regular.
    I hope you wake up feeling fresh as a daisy and headache free. Lovely post!


    1. Some churches have designated perfume free areas for those with adverse reactions to them. That is such a brilliant idea. I would talk to your pastor about it. I once had to change my seat three times to get away from that. My grandmother gave up going to church because of the headaches she suffered from perfumes worn there.


      1. Emperor Tee,

        Skunks are cute, but I won’t miss them much when you outlaw them. Thanks in advance. And if they still make perfume inserts for magazines, more drastic punishment is required.


      2. I agree! I actually had my hair cut in a salon last weekend (socially distant wearing a mask) When finished, he sprayed it with the most awful perfumie spray ever…it was awful…I went home and washed my hair. Why with the chemical perfumes???


  10. So glad you’re feeling better. Have you ever read this book?

    Horrible link — The Migraine Brain by Bernstein and McArdle. It explains the physiology of migraines. Very enlightening. I bought it for everyone I know.

    I went to junior high, too. Intermediate? Middle school? Pfffft.


  11. Now you have to get over your migraine hangover–both your physical one and the house one. Migraines are just so horrible.


  12. There is so much goodness (writing, not the subject matter, you’re pretty) in this post but I’m just stuck on:

    >I told someone I’d write her obituary.

    Deal with the devil to get rid of the migraine?
    Migraines allow you to communicate with ghosts?
    Someone really getting into their “retirement” planning?
    I’m perplexed, fascinated and probably prying but….


  13. My mother was a marriage and family therapist who worked with a medical practice. She learned hypnotherapy for the pain patients and I know for migraine she would have them think about heating up their hands. The idea was to encourage blood flow away from the head. Sounds like the water trick does the same thing!


  14. So glad you are feeling better! Migraines are the devil! I will tuck that home remedy away for my next one. I chuckled at the Sherwood Forest!


  15. I am not looking forward to the next migraine, but I will try to remember this technique and hope I don’t reverse the hot/ice and have my head blow off my shoulders.

    Oh, and guess who went on a few dates with Lt. Dan in high school? Yes. Me. That would be me, waiving. Over here. Oh, I was a star-effer from way back. But we didn’t, well, eff. We just went around a few of the bases. He was/is such a nice guy.

    Anyhoo, glad you are doing better! Just heard about this AJOVY stuff- a shot 4 times a year and I want to do some research on it – another medication my doctor probably won’t prescribe, but worth checking into.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. At least five people have told me that trick and I’ve blown them off because I thought they were full of it. But if you say it works, I’ll try it. You’re the only person who’s ever been able to put into words what migraines feel like for me. I make my husband read your descriptions!

    You are a very responsible adult. Trainer, financial advisor, all those things. I need to be an adult. I just can’t figure it out. I’m too young to be this old. Or I guess I’m too old to be this young.

    Anyway—I love this post.


  17. Well, how great is that free medical advice that WORKED to stop the migraine. I need to remember that. So glad you are feeling better. I like your doctor wearing two pairs of glasses. Iris might enjoy Forest being on the trip with her to the vet.


    1. That has always been my go to for headaches though thanks be to heaven I have only had 3 legit. migraines in my life. Sit on the edge of the bathtub with your feet in hot water and put a bag of frozen peas on the back of your neck or top of your head. I never mentioned it because I figured everybody knew that trick.
      And I went to Jr. High, too. Middle school was designed by the devil.


  18. All the science in the world wouldn’t tell you what an old family remedy can take care of. So glad you got some relief.


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