If you have an Apple computer, you know how annoying it is that they tell you your mouse battery is very low–never going on low, or low lite. It’s always a dramatic “very low.” The way to CHARGE your mouse now is you know that cord that you plug into the back of your computer that charges your phone? You use that same cord to plug into your mouse.
Well, guess what. YOU CAN’T USE THE MOUSE WHILE IT’S CHARGING. And your computer only tells you the mouse is
when you sit at your computer to, oh, I don’t know, USE IT. So.
The point is, this is a Very Special June Doesn’t Use Her Mouse episode of Book of June.
I wanted to show you a photo of today’s very pretty sunrise, but that involves my mouse, so dig if you will the picture of you and I engaged in a sunrise.
Fukkit. I went rogue. Took the thingie out of the mouse and plopped this photo in here. How come you can never quite photograph how pretty a sky is? Especially if there’s a really good moon. You take a photo and it looks like someone poked a hole in paper.
Oh, but also? Speaking of mouses, just this morning I was putting away my shoes, which I tend to kick into this room at the end of the day, because god knows this house is so big with its 999 square feet that I can’t possibly traverse all the way in here and put my shoes in the closet. Also, I have to hurry and get dinner for the kids. I’m extremely busy.
Eventually it looks like DUI Shoe Warehouse in here and I get disgusted with myself so I put the shoes away. I was doing so this morning after I noticed it looked like a centipede lived here, and as I bent down to get a shoe, I noticed a gray mouse right under my face, and just assumed it was a toy mouse
WHICH IT WAS
but you know what? One day a real mouse will fool me. Although maybe not. Because cats. So many cats here all the time.
Also, what I usually like to do is scroll up and see what the fuck I’ve been talking about thus far, and if there’s anything I meant to tell you, and sort of review whatever I wrote and edit it a little, but not today, Satan.
This is like raw-juicing Book of June. Book of Juan.
Oh, I know what I was gonna tell you. Yesterday I came home from work and had a package. I don’t mean suddenly I had man bits, which I might have led with. I had a box from Amazon. I don’t mean I ordered girl bits from Amazon, and this is why it’s usually better when I have a mouse and can start all over.
Anyway, I couldn’t recall ordering anything from Amazon, but there the box was, addressed to me, and in it?
Brass cleaner. I guess I forgot the big brass was gonna be here. I guess I want a nice brass.
And here’s what I do when anything goes wrong. I blame myself. Perhaps you think my narcissism won’t allow that, but it does. “Why did I order this?” I asked me. “What sort of clean streak was I on?
“Do I own any brass?”
Eventually I put it away in the pantry that Marie Condor or whomever really needs to come organize. In the doorway I have cleaning agents on a wire shelf, but half of them fall out every time I open the door. In the shelves are batteries and light bulbs and wrapping paper and steam irons that don’t really work and a Nest Thermostat I can’t install myself because wires and oh my god that whole closet is a cluster.
Anyway, that’s where that brass monkey cleaner is now.
Last night I got a text.
“I accidentally sent you my brass cleaner oh my god!” Miss Doxie said.
She’s sending me a gift, see, but apparently Amazon thinks ALL her orders are coming to me and she said I’m about to get an intimate glimpse into her life and I for one cannot wait.
“I’m just sort of impressed you clean your brass,” I said.
She said I’m not to mail the brass cleaner to her, but I say I should with something extra special in the package. What should that extra special thing be?
I’d better go. I have to get to work and also I forgot I should be drying my hair, which is soaked, and normally I’d have Laila Ali on my head but the whole mouse thing threw me because you know I can only think of one thing at a time and this was just too overwhelming.
Also, I can’t scroll up to read this so oh my god you’re so getting raw June, did I mention?
Oh, hell, how Ima push “Publish”?