June. Raw and uncensored.

If you have an Apple computer, you know how annoying it is that they tell you your mouse battery is very low–never going on low, or low lite. It’s always a dramatic “very low.” The way to CHARGE your mouse now is you know that cord that you plug into the back of your computer that charges your phone? You use that same cord to plug into your mouse.

Well, guess what. YOU CAN’T USE THE MOUSE WHILE IT’S CHARGING. And your computer only tells you the mouse is



when you sit at your computer to, oh, I don’t know, USE IT. So.

The point is, this is a Very Special June Doesn’t Use Her Mouse episode of Book of June.

I wanted to show you a photo of today’s very pretty sunrise, but that involves my mouse, so dig if you will the picture of you and I engaged in a sunrise.

Fukkit. I went rogue. Took the thingie out of the mouse and plopped this photo in here. How come you can never quite photograph how pretty a sky is? Especially if there’s a really good moon. You take a photo and it looks like someone poked a hole in paper.

Oh, but also? Speaking of mouses, just this morning I was putting away my shoes, which I tend to kick into this room at the end of the day, because god knows this house is so big with its 999 square feet that I can’t possibly traverse all the way in here and put my shoes in the closet. Also, I have to hurry and get dinner for the kids. I’m extremely busy.

Eventually it looks like DUI Shoe Warehouse in here and I get disgusted with myself so I put the shoes away. I was doing so this morning after I noticed it looked like a centipede lived here, and as I bent down to get a shoe, I noticed a gray mouse right under my face, and just assumed it was a toy mouse


but you know what? One day a real mouse will fool me. Although maybe not. Because cats. So many cats here all the time.

Also, what I usually like to do is scroll up and see what the fuck I’ve been talking about thus far, and if there’s anything I meant to tell you, and sort of review whatever I wrote and edit it a little, but not today, Satan.

This is like raw-juicing Book of June. Book of Juan.

Oh, I know what I was gonna tell you. Yesterday I came home from work and had a package. I don’t mean suddenly I had man bits, which I might have led with. I had a box from Amazon. I don’t mean I ordered girl bits from Amazon, and this is why it’s usually better when I have a mouse and can start all over.

Anyway, I couldn’t recall ordering anything from Amazon, but there the box was, addressed to me, and in it?

Brass cleaner. I guess I forgot the big brass was gonna be here. I guess I want a nice brass.

And here’s what I do when anything goes wrong. I blame myself. Perhaps you think my narcissism won’t allow that, but it does. “Why did I order this?” I asked me. “What sort of clean streak was I on?

“Do I own any brass?”

Eventually I put it away in the pantry that Marie Condor or whomever really needs to come organize. In the doorway I have cleaning agents on a wire shelf, but half of them fall out every time I open the door. In the shelves are batteries and light bulbs and wrapping paper and steam irons that don’t really work and a Nest Thermostat I can’t install myself because wires and oh my god that whole closet is a cluster.

Anyway, that’s where that brass monkey cleaner is now.

Last night I got a text.

“I accidentally sent you my brass cleaner oh my god!” Miss Doxie said.

She’s sending me a gift, see, but apparently Amazon thinks ALL her orders are coming to me and she said I’m about to get an intimate glimpse into her life and I for one cannot wait.

“I’m just sort of impressed you clean your brass,” I said.

She said I’m not to mail the brass cleaner to her, but I say I should with something extra special in the package. What should that extra special thing be?

I’d better go. I have to get to work and also I forgot I should be drying my hair, which is soaked, and normally I’d have Laila Ali on my head but the whole mouse thing threw me because you know I can only think of one thing at a time and this was just too overwhelming.

Also, I can’t scroll up to read this so oh my god you’re so getting raw June, did I mention?

Raw June

Oh, hell, how Ima push “Publish”?

Published by


At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

40 thoughts on “June. Raw and uncensored.”

  1. Get her a brass doxie, I agree. But DON’T clean it. That’s apparently what she wants to do.
    One time when I was packing up to move, I emptied out a bag that was full of old sheet music. At the very bottom was what I assumed to be one of my cats’ fake mice. It was real. All mummified.


  2. That funky monkey.

    A dozen or so years ago, the cat used to bring toys to me in bed and I would throw them out into the hallway and he would retrieve them, and then jump on them a couple of times to “kill” them, lather, rise, repeat. One morning I threw the toy mouse and thought, “Wait… that didn’t feel right!” and levitated out of the bed. Of course, I can’t see a damn thing without my glasses so I had to peer super close at the thankfully dead mouse, while shrieking for my husband to wake up and that I needed to bleach my hand. I’ve never been sure if he was dead before I hurled him out the bedroom door into the hallway, or not.


  3. Wonderful Friday post June! Today at work I rescued a bat and he stayed on my shoe and wouldn’t leave, and since I love me the bats even more than kittens, it made my day. It was not a brass bat however; that would have been easier and then I could have polished it as well.
    How can you be funny so consistently? And so early in the morning?


  4. I don’t understand the sky/poor picture phenomenon. I thought it was just me and my super photo taking skills though.

    And now I have Brass Monkey stuck in my head so thanks a lot Miss Doxie.


  5. I have an iMac and I shitcanned the mouse that came with it and bought a basic wireless Logitech mouse from Target instead. It’s so much better than the Apple mouse and only takes a single AA battery.


  6. Loved it as usual! You know – an English prof once told me that you should never use – “very” as it is just a superfluous word. ha ha. Just saying – that mac would say that about the mouse speed so funny.
    This was once again such a great post to boost my day! Except the hairball mouse did kind of make me gag!


  7. A mouse once quietly cuddled my shoe.

    Unfortunately I was wearing the shoe at the time. I sensed the presence of something and naturally bent down to dispense scritches because warm body near foot equals cat or dog, right?

    I have never moved so fast.
    (This did not happen at my house btw because cats.)


  8. Raw and uncut, a perfect Friday post. Receiving Miss Doxie’s Amazon order was too funny and a thrift store treasure hunt cleverly suggested by your FRs sounds like fun. I’m looking forward to the found treasure.


  9. I am sitting at this horrid place I call work. You are by far one of the few people in this whole world that make me actually laugh out loud and snort my coffee from Wawa. The Prince reference killed me ….as someone born in 1966 and saw his Purple Rain tour and screamed the whole time at the 5’2″ effeminate man in brocade and platform boots parade around the Spectrum stage while purple silk flowers fell from the ceiling. You are absolutely hysterical.
    ( What about a brass monkey?)


  10. DUI Shoe Warehouse! Made me laugh out loud. If fact, this entire post is a Rowen and Martin Laugh-In (most of y’all are way too young to remember that TV program that was on every Monday evening). Just Google it.

    I only have a laptop, but the mouse is part of the keyboard, but it’s a cheap Dell that is currently having it’s guts replaced so it can be upgraded to Windows 10.

    You have lots of suggestion for shift for Miss Doxie.


  11. We have 2 cats. One morning I went to the basement to feed them and came across a fairly large hairball which kind of looked like it might have something red in it, so I was like – Sh*t, who is bleeding internally and why do I have to investigate this? So gross. Upon closer inspection the hairball was actually a soggy dead mouse which was many factors grosser than a yucky hairball and I don’t even want to know what happened to that poor thing.


  12. Tons of brass monkeys on Etsy but the first couple right out the gate were..ummm…inappropriate. Why do that to the poor monkey?


    1. I looked at those, didn’t realize they were a “thing” and no way is that monkey/junk parts going to be living room decor. I’d much rather a meditative Buddha.


  13. DUI Shoe Warehouse-Chortling! I agree, I always try to take pictures of an amazing Harvest Moon, and they simply will not photograph. Glad it’s not just me and my phone.


  14. I thought perhaps you ordered the brass cleaner to clean your balls. You did say you got a package.

    My fat, spoiled cats live too good a life and on the few occasions a mouse had gotten into my house those little brats don’t twitch a whisker. I’m terrified of mice and I threaten to take away all food and bedding luxuries until they earn their keep.


  15. First thought that came to my mind is 76 Trombones.

    Hahahaha. Why is that making me laugh? Sheesh.


  16. One time I smelled a smell and thought it was coming from the hall coat closet. I dug out all the winter boots and stuff and couldn’t find the source of the smell. Until somehow I turned over one of Nate’s snow boots and out came a dead mouse. Poor little guy. Now I turn over all my shoes before putting them on.


  17. There used to be a drink called the brass monkey. You could get glasses that had “The Brass Monkey ” emblazoned on the side. You could get one of those at the thrift store. She could drink while she cleaned her brass.


  18. There used to be a drink called the brass monkey. You could get glasses*for drinks* that had “The Brass Monkey ” emblazoned on the side. It would be cool to send her one of those from the thrift store. She could clean her brass monkey thusly. Never mind.


  19. Okay, the mouse thing made me audibly gasp and Miss Doxie saying she accidentally sent you the brass cleaner made me laugh out loud. So what I’m saying is this post was a roller coaster of emotions. Totally send her the most absurd brass figure you can find in a thrift store!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Find a really special brass object, clean it up nice, ship it to Miss Doxie. There are some pretty wild brass objects in the world, waiting to be found.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Lovely post, Coot.

    For about a month last year I kept getting packages from Amazon that weren’t mine. I would send them back and a few days later another would appear. Then I realized my daughter was using my Amazon account and forgot to change the shipping address.

    I think you should send Doxie a brass monkey to go with her brass cleaner. You know, a funky monkey.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I’m here to reassure you that this was not all that much different from your Standard June Including Mouse post. The funny just flows. Marie Condor – perfect!

    Happy Friday Pieps!


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