I feel like I have many small things to catch you up on, so I will divide today’s hard-hitting post into categories.
My phone, home computer, and computer at work are all hooked up now in an Apple way, through no fault of my own except probably I clicked something that told the Apple people, “Yeah, go ahead.”
My point is, if I work on something at work and save it to my desktop, it’s also on my desktop at home. This is convenient.
However, one thing that’s screwy is whenever someone texts me, it BLOOPS across my work computer screen. Recently my cousin Katie sent me a “hilarious” joke text that involved a rather endowed gentleman, and his whole naked self BLOOPED across my work computer.
“Thanks.” I texted her back. “You just got me fired.”
Anyway, that’s a shame, but what isn’t a shame is yesterday afternoon when a picture of a teensy black pig flashed on m’screen.
“So this just showed up at our doorstep,” texted Lilly. My friend Lilly. Not my cat Lily. I’d have led with that.
Turns out they had a runaway pig on their hands, and this is why I’d rather live in the country, if only they could make the country snakeless like they did with grapes. Not that grapes had snakes. But remember how annoying all those seeds were? Not that snakes had seeds.
“The only thing that ever shows up on my doorstep is a meth addict,” I kvetched.
She kept me updated all night (“Don’t be a boar,” I wrote. “Keep me posted via the ham radio.”) and they could not catch the pig, although they now know who OWNS said pig, which is a shame because of course her next question was did I want a pig and my answer was a thousand times yes and this is what happens when there is no one to reel me in.
The heart pills Edsel is on have been a miracle. I swear it. He’s like a puppy right now, and I know this is a temporary thing but it might be temporary for years, so I am glad. Think how much fun he’d have with a pig.
But really. He can play, he leaps around joyously, he’s the Edsel from last year and not this plodding lazy character I’d assumed was here because of old age. Remember in It’s a Wonderful Life when they carry mom down the stairs before the big dance, and she lands on her husband’s lap and says, “My blood pressure!” That’s been Edsel for the last year. Always clasping at his heart and feeling woozy.
Last night I went to my old movie theater despite the fact that they tore up the parking lot nearby, put in paradise, and now parking is a pain in my fucking patoot. I like how saying “fucking” is okay but I have to use an ass euphy. Euphy. How much do you hate me? How much of a patoot am I?
Anyway, they had an organist, and I should show him that text from my cousin Katie, he wants to see an organ, but anyway the organist always stands and talks to you sort of endlessly about the movie and what music he’ll be using and then last night he told us his grandmother had been an organist for silent movies and we all got misty. Play misty for me, organist.
But the other thing is he mentioned that musical about the Phantom of the Opera and I never once put two and two together that they were the same thing. You know how I am about musicals.
Is that the one where they sing MIDNIGHT! NOT A SOUND ON THE PAVEMENT!? Because that overwrought song can go fuck itself. It can go euphy itself.
Anyway the movie was pretty good if you like silent movies where everyone is as dramatic as possible.
You’re here so I’m gonna assume a little drama never bothered you.
That phantom was every dude who’s ever swiped right on me. “Okay, look, I know I have nostrils the size of potholes and I live five stories under the opera. But you should give me a chance.”
Also, our heroine had June hair.
And she was just slightly an asshole. She had a fiance but blew him off totally when some voice in the walls told her he’d make her a star. What a gold digger. What a basement digger.
Then when it turns out he’s not a 10, she gets back together with the first guy, who had an unfortunate ’70s pornstache. And he’s all, Okay. Like she’s the only June hair in town.
Anyway, I’m glad I went to see it even if I did have to park 45 miles away in a rape garage.
I guess that wraps up my day. I have ANOTHER APPOINTMENT today and then tomorrow I am blissfully free of meeting with anyone other than my regularly scheduled employer and this dog with a new heart.
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