Does it drive you berserk that there’s always something on your phone/computer that needs updating? “Would you like to update now?” No, I’d like you to go fuck yourself, you dramatic motherfucker. You do NOT need updating. You just got updated last week. Now this is starting to sound like my marriage, fmr.
Anyway, I once again wish I had anything but work and cats to tell you about, as I am supposed to be over here entertaining you, but my entire Michigan J Frog self is consumed with mixing formula and cleaning cat litter.
No one ever calls anyone their ragtime gal anymore. And no, I’m not holding him by his neck. He’s three inches long. I’m holding him around his shoulders, but his, you know, neck is right next to that. Big, he’s not.
He really is going to be a long-haired cat. I think he’ll be quite beautiful once he’s over this fruit bat phase.
I just have ONE MORE cat story and then we’ll never speak of cats again.
Last night, after I bottle-fed the Prince of Darkness and burped him and made sure he went in his box–which he 100% has every time. After all that, I warmed up his heat disk and set it in his little bed of towels like he’s cat Jesus in the manger, where in fact there were no towels. Anyway, I put him in his manger of towels, then I sort of blankly went in my back yard to sit blankly in the sun. It had been an intense day at work, too, so at the end? Blank.
So there I was, Blank Devereaux, sitting blankly, when I noticed poor Iris walking the perimeter of the yard. Since we got the new fence, I’ve observed her walking right up against it, like it’s nice to know where she is or something. She’s the princess of darkness.
Anyway, as per usual, Milhous was totally stalking her. He was Alex in Fatal Attraction. If he’d had a boombox to hold up under Iris’s window, he’d have been in her eyes. So to speak. In your non-eyes. The light the heat.
My point is, Iris slid along the fence line until she reached the front of the yard, and then she sort of…stared out through the pickets at the front. Who knows what was out there, or if she even really saw anything, but that’s what she was doing. She was having Deep Thoughts. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. That’s my all-time favorite Deep Thought.
Anyway, behind her with his mind on his evil and his evil on his mind was Milhous, who even when I THINK his actual name I keep instead thinking Steely Dan. They just have the same big dick energy. Anyway, Milhous was creeping along the fence line as well, and when he got near her, he
STOOD ON HIS BACK LEGS, like Animal Farm, and used the fence to steady himself, and it was creepy and hilarious at the same time. He literally walked, holding the fence, till he got right up behind her to do god knows what. Put a whoopie cushion behind her? Blow an air horn? Present her with one of those giant checks?
I’m proud to say my little eyeless Iris walked away as she felt his terrible nearness, so we never got an end to that story and I really think the middle is more important anyway because he WALKED ON TWO LEGS.
Okay, that’s it. I’ll never speak of cats again.
I have to go. I have to get ready for the work, and today is trash day so I almost can’t contain the excitement. That isn’t even true. TOMORROW is trash day, but today is roll-the-trash-down day, which if you ask me counts. It’s almost like trash weekend, right, because then tomorrow it’s roll-the-can-back-up day, so it’s a sort of two-day extravaganza.
This is what happens when I have no sex, y’all. I somehow blame all of you. I’ve no idea why other than you’re here and it’s convenient.
Cats (see what I did, there?)