June recovers

Does it bug you how often your computer allegedly needs updates? Seriously, why do they need updating this much? Did you do such a bad job at the LAST update?

New people moved in next door, did I tell you? (…This has nothing to do with computer updates. I just had the update annoyance when I sat down to type you. My computer popped up that little rectangle: YOU NEED TO UPDATE! Your mother. I’m busy.)

The person who lived next door when I first moved in was a delight. She was charming, she was quiet, she was neat. But then they sold that house out from under her and the new people who bought it seem lovely, actually. But they have a dog.

When I first moved here, and I realize I keep saying that, but when I first moved here, I was already all, ugh, chainlink fence. But it wasn’t till my actual moving day that I noted the ONE side was not even chainlink, it was this sort of flimsy wire. And technically it isn’t even my fence on that side, it clearly belongs to the house next door.

This is fascinating, June.

The guy who owned this house also owned the house next door, and I was kind of worried he’d go ahead and sell the next-door house and he did. And I worried the new people would have a dog and they do. She looks like an Australian cattle dog to me, which Edsel is as well, 12%, now that I am intimately familiar with his DNA.

And does that help him get along with that dog? Their shared DNA? It does not. So far he’s only seen her from the back door, but he had 29 fits and may have even called her cattle-ass.

Anyway, that dog is a sweetie sweetie pie of sweet, and I realize I am always the one with the asshole dog, and the point is Lowe’s is coming Friday and not Friyay to give me an estimate on a fence. Which I am assuming will be a million dollars, but I literally have no choice to at least put up something beyond Flimsy Skirt Whippoorwill of a Hint of a Fence that will do nothing to stop Eds from murdering that sweet cattle dog with his bare hands.

Meanwhile, the neighbor and I have a dog-exchange deal to not let our dogs out at the same time. Just now I was enjoying the birds singing in the back yard and admiring my budding trees,

when I heard motion in the ocean, or alternatively the neighbor’s back door. So to speak. Anyway, I did a shrill, EDSEL COME and we got in and moments later I saw that sweet cattle dog out back. The neighbor was clearly sort of moving the door handle so I knew it was time. They told me the dog’s name and I promptly forgot it and I asked again what her name was and I’ve forgotten it again. I’m a delight.

They’d lived in the apartment complex right up the road, so this dog has never had a yard before, and so far she has no concept of playing. She is sort of standing there aghast that she has all this space and isn’t on a leash.

I spend too much time thinking about the dog next door, I know.

Let’s move on. Ima have to put that fence on a credit card. You know that. Right? I have no fekking choice. [UPDATE SO I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP HAVING THIS CONVERSATION: I have no credit cards. I will have to use a Lowe’s or a Home Depot card.]

Meanwhile, I’d arranged a few months ago to get my chair recovered. I worked with a woman I’ll call Jeanne, who recovers chairs in her spare time, and she gave me a great deal. She can only do it on weekends, so Ima be Chairless Joe for a bit, but that’s fine. As you can see, this chair was in bad shape, and I adore this chair, and say “chair” one more time, June.

I’d been waiting for her to have more time, and yesterday I got a text:

Anyway, it turned out she was able to come yesterday evening, so I screamed to the fabric store first because she mentioned, oh, “fabric” and I was all shit. I haven’t gotten any fabric.

I’d picked out the …fabric months ago, but didn’t buy it then. I knew exactly where it was in the store. So yesterday I headed out there, to the fabric of our lives, and I went 52 years not ever stepping foot in a fabric store except for when my gramma would occasionally drag me into the Joann Fabrics and I wish I’d say fabric more often.

Anyway in the past year I’ve been haunting these stores like I’m Betsy Ross.

June and her nose and her disapproving lips at the fabric store.

I got there and headed straight for the bolt I’d chosen months ago. I bolted for it, if you will, and?


Careful readers will note the LAST time I was recovering a chair, the owner of the store told me to get anything but silk because of my pets, and every single piece of fabric I was attracted to was silk, and why am I such a fekkup?

So then I spent an inordinate amount of time looking for alternative fabric. Opposite fabric. Opposite marriage. Remember when that little Miss America candidate said that? Opposite marriage. What an idiot. As opposed to someone who picks out silk.

The point is, I settled on either a giant hot dog or a sort of rough purple-y pink, and I took a swatch of my other chair’s fabric to make sure they look good together and when did I get so middle-aged.

Then I swear to GOD, I was sitting in my house afterward with a can of raspberry lime fizzy water, looking at m’phone, when I got a text from Jeanne saying, “I’m on my way” and I HONEST TO GOD thought, On her way to do what?

What is wrong with me? I still had fabric in my hair and a giant hot dog in my car and I’d already forgotten. Maybe that dog next door is named Jeanne.

Anyway, here’s my forlorn corner with the chair gone, and yes, the paint DID peel from my moulding or whatever it’s called. I saw it sort of bubbling and started peeling it one day because I’m 7 years old with a memory issue. Should I just get rid of the white and have the natural wood on the trim? It’s the original moulding from 1932. Also, THIS WEEKEND. That dresser gets painted white THIS WEEKEND. I also bought new handles so it’s not ransom note dresser anymore.


Anyway, which I already said, but anyway, that was my day, and I headed to my old theater last night to see The Goonies, which was a stupid movie, but I regret so much not going to see Philadelphia Story there in February that I went anyway. Also, Dear World: Stop talking and looking at your phone during the goddamn movie.


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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

63 thoughts on “June recovers”

  1. I adore that chair, too. Have since I first saw it way back in the Marvin days. Also? Cattle-ass is going to be my new insult.


  2. Yeah, get ready to slap me. Will you move the cow painting this weekend, too? The swap out? Remember?

    Now I’m in shit.


      1. Gurl. No. You told me no moving big flower. But you agreed cow over light switch much better.


  3. 1. I had a guy tell me that once wood has been painted you can never go back to just stain and varnish. The pigment will always seep back out and you will hate it. So you might be stuck with white or other color painted baseboards.
    2. I love that chair so much. If I saw one like it I would snap it up in a heartbeat.
    3. There’s a reason they say “Good Fences make Good Neighbors”. Shitty fences make you hate your neighbors.
    4. I need to be getting my ass over to Lowe’s to look at countertops for my kitchen. I have put it off and put it off, but it has to be done.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. P.S. 5. I remember loving the Goonies. But I haven’t seen it in a while. I will have to check it out again.


    2. #1 is just not true. We’ve done it countless times with furniture and my parents stripped all the trim in their house and stained and varnished – still looks good 40 years later. Maybe he was just a lazy guy? Because it’s not always easy – especially on a more ornate piece – but it certainly can be done.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Wildly off topic, but there has been no update on Hulkette in a long time. The child must be almost grown.
    Lovely post, June.


  5. Yes, yes, yes to the natural wood. Assuming it is nice wood, If the wood is like the base boards in my 1950’s house they are nothing special. For that wood you should definitely remove the paint and do a rough sanding (80 grit) before priming and painting. That will prevent peeling in the future

    Nice house.


  6. Love the new fabric.
    Looking forward to the newly-painted dresser.
    Latex over oil, usually bad.
    Le Handyman refinish the trim back to 1932 naturale?


  7. We have purchased a couple things with our Lowe’s credit card, using their 0% financing. IF there is a local fencing company that offers 0% financing that they provide, check with them just to get a second opinion, but otherwise Lowe’s or Home Depot are dandy! No regrets on our part whatsoever.


  8. I have always loved The Goonies. Until the last time I watched it (about a month ago) and I was all, “Oh my God, why do they have to always scream and yell?” And right then I knew: I was officially Old and Crotchety.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I recently rewatched and had that exact reaction! It was so cute when my boys were young.


  9. “…called her cattleass.” Flomp Really lovely fabric. That is really nice of your friend to give you a great price to recover the chair. I bought two really nice chairs on Craig’s List and had them recovered, it was not cheap, but the guy did a great job. This is NOT advice, just personal experience speaking, you might not want to take the paint off the baseboards, but paint the peeling spot with OIL BASE primer, then reapply a coat of paint over the area. Removing all that paint off those baseboards seems like an overwhelming project to me. I think painting the dresser is a better project.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. People talking during movies is a big pet peeve of mine. The last movie I saw in a theater was “War of the Worlds.”


  11. Did you get any quotes from places other than Lowe’s? I ask because they were one of the higher ones when we fenced our yard in a few years ago.

    Can’t wait to see the chair and the updated Dresser of Pinkness. I agree with whomever said the bubbling paint was likely latex over oil – we had that in several places. Pain in the azz.

    A couple of weeks ago, I got a text one night from the person whose backyard abuts ours. “I feel the need to tell you that several people are complaining about Finn’s barking.” Excuse me, but complaining to whom? Cause it sure wasn’t us. But apparently, since several people there don’t work, Finn’s barking before 9 a.m. is a problem. As is any barking that occurs after dark. … People are FAR more annoying than dogs. FAR.

    Lovely post, Jooooooooooooon!


    1. Sorry – just saw your reply to someone else re: Lowe’s. A local company might also take payment by card, if you still have any of yours available.


    2. I wish everyone would listen to me. I suppose y’all think I could just whip out my AmEx or whatever, but I gave my mother all my cards years ago.


      1. Maybe it won’t be as much as you think and you can pay 90 days same as cash…if that’s even a thing anymore.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Juan, some small companies will allow you to finance their products/services, but actually they work with a finance company that actually provides the loan. Often 90 days is same as cash, and only if you pay the loan longer than the 90 days do you pay any interest. It might be worth checking with independent fencing companies before committing to Lowe’s or Home Depot, because they rarely are the lowest priced provider.


          1. %. You do not need a credit card to get 90 days same as cash.
            II. Even if you go to Lowe’s they may offer that.
            xxx. Maybe it will actually be affordable.
            ?? Do you think a Lowe’s card is not a credit card?
            8. I am hoping a ton that it is so cheap you won’t believe it.
            U. Shake your thang and get all the boys to you back yard to put the fence in.
            >. Dear June…. may I introduce you to Dave Ramsey.
            (. This is all meant to be funny, if it isn’t just disregard.
            T. eh, let me turn my hearin’ aid up girlie.
            45. You will need to know where your property line is.
            ! . Sometimes neighbors will share the cost of a new fence and should.
            B. It might not be a bad idea to leave the old fence up where it is and put the new one up away from it,
            that way “the jaws of life and death” won’t startle the unassuming cattle princess doggy
            ** . Could it be possible that they would get along at the fence?
            Don’t forget if you are tense Edsel will be tense.
            Ducking the liver slap…oh , go ahead if it will make you feel better.


  12. Lovely post Coot. I just can’t with Edz calling the dog next door “cattle-ass”. She is probably calling him Underdog. Anyway, just popped on to see you are living the dream. Love the hotdog in the car. You might want to get an estimate from a local fence company. Ours was cheaper than Lowe’s.

    P.S. I love the Goonies. I want to move to Goonieland.


  13. Hey, you guuuuuys! I suppose it’s a lot more fun to watch when you’re twelve.

    You might have used latex over oil. That can make it peel.

    I like that fabric. It’s sort of a raspberry. You can make a beret with the remnants.


  14. My favorite kind of post!

    I totally understand about the fence and dog next door – we’ve been neighborless on the one side of our house for YEARS and it was idyllic. Then these PEOPLE move in with THREE DOGS. The same weekend they moved in, we were dogsitting for not ONE but TWO of my kids’ dogs so we had THREE CRAZY CURS. AND NEW DOGS. It was a barkfest. And GUESS who gets called out on Facebook? Is it the NEW PEOPLE? Or ME – the neighbor you’ve known for THIRTY YEARS. And the fence that divides our yards is terrible and rickety and the first thing NEW NEIGHBOR does is ask when we plan to replace the fence. Um, you just bought that fence dude. He brought the surveyor back to try to prove to us that it was our fence. Wrong. Now he’s just hammering boards along the bottom and stuffing rags into the holes they are digging and chewing. Classy. Our dogs only bark when theirs are out, but do you think THEY are ever the ones hustling their dogs inside? No.

    Your pictures of spring give me hope. It’s slow to arrive in the midwest.

    Lovely post!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Spring. Not sure it is ever coming to northern AZ this year! sigh
      I love that chair too… can’t wait to see it in its new garb.


  15. It’s 5:19 actual time over here, we just woke up on this side of the planet and it’s dark! You’re off to a bouncy start. Lovely post, June.


  16. I’m exhausted reading this. I’m always so impressed you manage to go to movies on a weekday. After faking being a nice person at work there’s no way I’m willingly getting off the couch to go anywhere.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. YES!! Why can’t people put the phone down for the 1.5 hours it takes to watch a movie?!?! Why did you bother coming out here and paying the money to see this movie if you’re NOT GOING TO WATCH IT?!?! I wish it were permissible to do something, like snatch the phone out of their hands and say, “you can have this back when the movie is over, asshole.”

    Stressed? Who, me?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I stealthily report them to the “management”. Which is typically a 15 year old boy. But in any case, they will tell them to put the phone away OR ELSE. (The “or else” is the crazy lady sitting behind you is gonna knock your block off.)

      Liked by 3 people

  18. Perhaps just that one side will not be too expensive? I know your yard is a good size. If it makes you feel any better MY dogs are the yappiest, craxiest dogs in my hood. They go beserk at every person, dog, school bus, squirrel, etc. that is out there. Scrappy will chew the fence sometimes! I am looking in to far more affordable senior places, attached, perhaps even quads and they have no fences. That will be a big adjustment for all of our spoiled azzes. I insist on one with an enclosed porch. I will need it and some potty patches for extremely bad weather.
    I can’t wait to see the reverse side of that fabric and your super cool chair which I ADORE redone!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. If Next Door Dog is an Australian Cattle Dog, then her name should be Meggie Cleary. Or DeBricassard, if you want Meggie’s dreams to finally come true.

    Fun fact: I have never seen The Goonies. Funner fact: I have no desire to.

    Liked by 2 people

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