I really need to stop adding someone’s name to the rest of my titles.
Christmas is over!! It was the first happy thought I had when I awoke. “It’s over, Edsel!” I said. Eds was actually in the bed, resting on the other pillow, when I woke up today. Ever since my mother gave him that really good dog bed in November, he hasn’t deigned to sleep with me.
Anyway, Christmas. It’s over. Did I say that already? It’s just so wonderful! However, I’ll run down what I did, and maybe you can tell me what you did, and be sure to use lots of names I never heard before. “Well, Johnson and me, we went to the chapel with Barf and Jojo…”
If that’s your Christmas story, you might want to look into new friends in the new year.
In keeping with my idea of trying something new in Greensboro every day this week, I went to a little boutique in my marginal neighborhood on Xmas Eve. Since this hood is, oddly, rich-people adjacent, there is a street of cool shops that never quite stay in business, but are great while they exist. I didn’t buy that bird necklace but I liked it.
Gee, why don’t these shops stay in business?
I was also out because I’d threatened to kill my mother. I was planning to make my traditional Xmas lasagna and I couldn’t find where I’d unpacked my recipe box, so I called old mom, there, for the recipe. Old Reliable.
I bought all the ingredients, PER MOM, on the 23rd, and then?
On the 24th?
I realized she’d failed to tell me that it called for oregano, lasagna did. Careful readers will note back in 2010 when I cleaned out my spice cupboard and had, like, 47 jars of oregano. Isn’t it ironic. Don’t you think.
Aw. That post was about Peg. Everyone’s dead. MERRRRRRY CHR–oh, good. It’s over. I don’t have to pretend to be cheerful anymore.
Anyway. I called my mother and threatened her life (“Isn’t oregano something everyone just has on hand?” asked mom, who has never met her daughter, it’s the oddest thing), then WENT TO THE STORE ON CHRISTMAS EVE, and?
Fortunately, I found some, like, organic $700 oregano in the $700 organic aisle. Also, at the store, I saw four groups of people recognize each other in the store, and there was much hugging and “I can’t wait to tell mom I ran into you”-ing and it was all very Dan Fogelberg.
In the evening, I headed over to my friends Ian and Adriana’s house. We here in boring America pronounce it “EEEE-YON,” but his family says it “Yon,” which sounds better.
Careful readers (who hates me at this point? Answer: All of you.) will note I spent Christmas Eve with YON and Adriana two years ago, as well. That dog was found by Ian late one night back in Puerto Rico when he was a puppy. The dog was a puppy, not Ian.
Anyway, he woke his then-new bride up to say, “I found a dog.” Ian did, not the puppy.
Now their oldest kid is 15, (Ian and his wife, not his wife and the pupp–oh, never mind) if that tells you how old that poor dog is. I was glad he was still there this year.
“Are you and Ned on or off?” asked Adriana. The way we got to know them, see, is not only did I use to work with YON, but he and Adriana also used to live right next door to Ned in his downtown apartment. So we double knew them.
“We’re off, but I am meeting Ned and his mom for dinner tonight,” I told her.
“I know it’s politically incorrect, but I prefer it when you two are on,” she said. I’ve always like Adriana and her boldness. Also? Her mother, who was there, is to DIE for. Just one of those charismatic women you want to be best friends with, and it turns out she’s good friends with my pal Kit! (Who isn’t? Everyone loves Kit.)
After that, I headed to the nicest hotel in town (George Bailey, the richest man in town), where Ned and his mom had decided to go eat, and one thing I can assure you is no one else had that idea. Good GRAVY. I overheard a waitress saying 600 people had made reservations there that night.
Aren’t people supposed to be at home with family, and aren’t restuarants supposed to be empty and dismal, with only lone truckers at them on Christmas Eve?
After Ned’s mom left, Ned and I had champagne in the lobby. There was a young pretty girl with another party in the lobby, and she had on this backless champagne-colored velvet dress, and THREE TIMES I saw her breast as she leaned over, and every time I’d alert Ned, he missed it. “I had a chance to see it when I walked past her, and I turned my head to be gentlemanly, and right after thought, ‘What the hell is wrong with me?'”
Christmas dawned with me asleep because I don’t have any damn kids to wake me at dawn. Christmas 9:30’d and I was up, opening some perfect gifts.
This year, I got three robes, pajamas, a coffee cup and two bedspreads, because everyone has finally accepted that Ima stay home.
Also, why do I have a goddamn kitten every goddamn Christmas?
Milhous was obsessively leaping from box to box, and finally Lily thought, “lileee leap two” and she hoisted herself off the couch, where she’s been since September, tried jumping into a box but could not lift her girth, fell backward like an otter and went back to her spot on the couch.
I had Christmas dinner with Chris and Lilly and their other friends and family, and their home is so lovely and they’re such grownups. See below.
The food was delicious, and one of Lilly’s friends is a baker, and I got to take home some of his chocolate caramel popcorn he made, and I’m sorry to tell you half of it is mysteriously gone. [UPDATE ONE HOUR LATER: popcorn is gone. Someone alert the authorities.]
Anyway, that was Christmas, and OOOO, lemme show you my gift bag that my gifts from Chris and Lilly came in.
Oh my god, I love that gift bag. I saved it in the closet like an old lady. “Like” an old lady.
WordPress’s new editing feature doesn’t tell you how many words you’ve typed, but I feel like the answer is four thousand ninety-two.
However, just as I was wrapping this up, so to speak, Eds started barking, and I realized, right then I knew, a package had come for me. It’s from Faithful Reader Paula! Let’s open it together, shall we?
Some of my romance magazines! Oh my god, I adore these. Now I won’t go anywhere or do anything till I’ve read both cover to cover. I can’t wait to slip on my herringbone bikini and read how to satisfy boys.