Just pants

Milhous’s newest thing is to go outside with Edsel, where I watch them nervously from the back door, and 


after each other around the back yard. Milhous gets a bottle-brush tail and Edsel smiles like a big huge giant baffoon.

I think Milhous was a good addition to this house.

Beg to diffur


I had my mammogram yesterday. No word yet. WHAT GIVES? It’s been 18 hours! My bra stopped lasting.

Takes off wedding dress. Husband files for divorce.

At my mammogram place, they have lockers to put your, you know, shirt while you’re in that cape. Each locker has a famous woman’s name on it, so you remember where yours was. I chose Lady Bird Johnson, seeing that we First Lady’d here yesterday. The other women in the waiting room were Calamity Jane and Coco Chanel. I asked. I feel like in real life those two wouldn’t have had much to say to one another. Maybe Lady Bird, being a politician’s wife, would have been good at finding their common ground.

Anyway, so now I wait.

I hate this part.

When I’m anxious like this, I sort of curl into a mental ball and obsess. I’m certain that’s the healthiest way to handle it. Oh, I Google. I think. I imagine. I delight all and sundry.

Anyone who tried to talk to me yesterday, on the inside I was all, what what WHAT? Why you bug? I’m tryina obsess. GOD.

…I just noticed Edsel growling, but in his “Blu stuck under this thing, mom” growl. It’s more of a plaintive moan. I see that Milhous has gone under the footstool and Eds wants him out. I just went to check that Milhous wasn’t horrified that something 86 times his size is sticking its snout at him, but Milhous is under there purring, so.

Yes. Definitely a good edition. If you’re Edsel. Or Milhous.

Let me go check my phone. Maybe they called while I was in the shower. At 7 a.m. Yeah. That sounds likely.

No calls. No emails.

I did, however, notice I left a plate next to the bed last night. I got hungry about 9:00 while I was reading, and got some cheese and crackers. Why so round.

I also just captured this on film. While I was putting the plate in the sink.

Do you think enough time has passed that I can check my phone again? Do you think there are women out there who have alternate seat cushions for holidays such as Christmas? Like, they put the blue ones up somewhere and replace them with red and green? Do you?

…I checked my phone. No new messages. Also, they said they’d send a letter anyway. So the only reason I’m checking my phone is that last year they called, said you need to come back. Not to be obsessive or anything, but they called two hours and 24 minutes after my original appointment last year. You shoulda SEEN me yesterday two hours and 24 minutes after my appointment. I was waiting for the ball to drop in Times Square. Without the joy, but with the chattering teeth.

I’d better get to work. My boss, current/fmr./current again, is considering Stitch Fix, as she had given it up for a time. “You could ask your readers if I should get special boxes,” she said, likely trying to distract me.

Imagine having to supervise June.

“Special boxes?” I asked, while Googling Millions of Ways to Die Waiting for Mammogram results.

“Yeah. You can get, for example, just pants.”

Oooo, just pants!

Or she could get all date-night clothes. Or My-Corporate-Job clothes. I have to look on Stitch Fix and see what all the choices are, then set up a poll for us.

But first I have to obsess.

Talk to you!

Handling it gracefully,

UPDATE: Just got an email. All is well with mammogram! I knew it. It was my positive thinking, and my ability to put it out of my mind.

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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

52 thoughts on “Just pants”

  1. First time I had a mammogram the tech was all “wow, you got a lot of fibrocystic going on up in here” and “I bet self-exams are practically useless” and “it’s gonna be hard to really read anything with all this going on.” I got a text BEFORE I GOT HOME saying that everything is just fine and dandy – and I live 2 miles from the hospital.
    That’s great, but after those comments, whenever I get a mammogram I wonder how much they really know.

    Then this year I had a lump scare two months after my mammogram. Everything is FINE, and I will continue to get ’em scanned, but I don’t trust a one of them.


  2. Congrats on the A on your test. Big sigh.
    Now I simply must say the pic of you and ol gramma in the back is DA Best!!!


  3. There are so many times when a blog post you’ve written, and the pictures you include, cause a flood of warm feelings within me, or such laughter to ensue, that I’m almost at a loss to comment. I meant to comment yesterday, but had that same “too many feelings” feeling to even begin. I’m always afraid I’ll write too much, and usually do. I envy all the succinct comment writers! But I have to tell you how glad I am about the mammogram results, how much I love the photo of you as a magical little girl (with straight hair!), how sweet it is to see the bonding of Edsel and Milhous (no more needy committee?), how I spit my coffee out at “Takes off wedding dress. Husband files for divorce.” Also have to thank Paula for the oh-my-god-I can-just-imagine-doing-that moment! Hahahahahaha. See, another too-long comment. I love your blog so dang much.


  4. Ever late to the party, allow me to add my congratulations on the clean mammogram. Also, I love that Milhous and Eds are in love! ~~~ I used to be one of those people who changed out every possible changeable household item to Christmas theme. In fact, friends used to tease about how every room of my house had some Christmas decor. But then I stopped. And for the past few years, I haven’t even put up a Christmas tree. Don’t know why. Anyway, lovely post, lovely June.


  5. I read it as “all-night date clothes,” and thought, well, that’s just normal date clothes and then removal of said clothes, right?
    Mil + Eds = True Luv 4 Ever.
    What happens to the 18-hour bra when the 18-hour mark is reached? Perhaps each cup turns into a gourd.
    Many medical professionals now think that unless you have risk factors/history, you don’t necessarily benefit from getting mammograms ’till you’re 60. Everyone is different and needs to evaluate their own situation, of course–my own choice is: yay, no more painful boob flattening for another 7 years!
    Someone above said you didn’t used to be allowed to drink coffee for a week before a mammogram?! The deodorant thing I know about, but no coffee for a week?! Yeah, fuck that. I would’ve never gotten a mammogram.


  6. Good news, June!!!

    Apropos of First Ladies, I’m seeing Michelle Obama’s book tour Saturday night. Taking my mom, my daughter, my best friends and my brother. We are all excited to see MO. My mother is excited to see us. Said she’s only coming so she can spend some time with her beloved daughter and granddaughter. I told her that wasn’t a good enough reason. TICKETS WERE EXPENSIVE, YO!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oprah. I had Oprah’s locker. I’m so glad you don’t have to wait the whole weekend for your results! Yay!
    It would be fun to see another Stitch Fix report! I’ve been getting boxes for years now. It’s truly transformed my closet. I’m wearing some pants from them today. Just pants!
    Kidding!! Everyone should be grateful I’m wearing a shirt too.
    Have a great weekend!


  8. Great photo of you up there. But I miss yesterday’s lesbians. I had a great story about them in my head.

    Are people still into Pioneer Woman? The minute I heard her voice it was over for me. I could listen to P Diddy and Martha all day, but not her.

    Good boob job, Joob!


  9. Great news on the boob report. Now you can enjoy the weekend. I never change anything for Christmas. I put out a few decorations, very few, but basically my house stays the same. My husband put up (brought it out of the attic) our very small tree this morning while I was at a meeting. We will have the grand illumination this afternoon when it gets dark. I love the header photo of you.


  10. Hi June, I’m all excited because my first “3-D” mammogram appointment will be in December. I wonder if the squishing process and “flop my Hooters on the plate like a catfish” will be any different?

    L.in CA


  11. Somewhat late to the party because I was, um, working at my desk at my job, so annoying! Glad all is well!


  12. Just like Paula , I read fast when you are in a hurry posting.
    All tense here at the homestead…until the end…thank goodness I didn’t have to keep checking back. Tension filled HOURS then.


    1. Dammit. I totally should have waited to report and DRIVEN my numbers up. I am not cutthroat enough for this business. Pioneer Woman would have made it an 8-part serial.


  13. Love your adorable header. The picture of sparkling you would make awesome Christmas cards. You look like an angel, but I wonder if your grandmother knew better.


  14. I just started doing Stitch Fix and I’ve gotta tell ya, I was totally surprised. Initially, I pulled everything out of the box and went “Nope, nope nope, nope, and NOPE.” Then I tried it all on and went “DAMN, these pants make my ass look great and they ARE long enough. And this is a totally wearable sweater.” I vowed to do it for six months, so we’ll see.

    Nice shiny hoots, Coot.


  15. They send my results in the mail like it is 1880 or something. I am so glad you got an email! I wonder if stitch fix could do a “just jeans” box for me. Maybe it’s my butt, but I hate hate hate jean shopping. I end up wearing yoga pants most of the time as a result. Not the classiest look.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I’ve been getting stitch fix for a few months after canceling it years ago. They used to send horrible clothes to me that didn’t fit right and were expensive. They must have done a total overhaul and now I love everything they send!! They have lots of options to select , from style, fit and price . You can also link to one of your Pinterest boards where you pin clothes you like and they really do look at what you pin and try to match. I highly recommend it! If anyone is interested in trying, let me know so I can send a referral and we both get $25 off!


  17. Love that you got an all clear email. I haven’t heard of mammo results being sent that way. Or as someone I used to work with called it, mammygram. She wasn’t joking. I guess that’s how she thought it was pronounced. Your header picture is adorable.


  18. Great news for your mammogram results. I’m glad Hooters r Us didn’t keep you waiting.
    I’m one of those people who switch the chair cushions for Christmas. If I could find a festive duvet cover I like it would already be on my bed.
    I love the Princess TinselJune photo. Adorable.


  19. Remember when you couldn’t wear deodorant for your mammo and couldn’t drink coffee for a week? (I’m old.) Now I can practically put my coffee cup on top of the machine.

    OHMYGOD, did I tell you what happened at my last mammo? Had the mammo, then got moved to a smaller room for the folllow up sonogram. They did the sonogram and left me there, flat on my back in a small, quiet, dark room and I very nearly fell asleep. I got the all clear and the technician popper her head in andc said I could go. The table was too narrow to roll over, so I had to hurl myself forward to sit up. And in so doing, a huge, trumpeting fart escaped. I was alone in the room so no big deal, right? WRONG. The technician was right outside the door, waiting to escort me back to my clothes. Her face said it all. Then as I left the reception area, I swear they all looked at me. And to this day I think my chart has a “high wind warning” attached to it.

    Liked by 7 people

      1. It’s a medical group. ALL of my doctors are in the group. Well, except for my dentist and eye doctor, but I’m sure they heard somehow, too.

        Liked by 3 people

  20. I forgot to say: You look like an angel in that picture, and I can see your grandma you’re turning into.


  21. I knew you’d be fine. I mean, you barely gave it a second thought.

    I do know people who change out things like pillows and hand towels for the holidays. My DIL is one of them and she finds me appalling when she shows up at Easter and the Christmas potholders are still out. Guess what? They’ll still be there come 4th of July. And the only reason I have them at all is because my mother, another “every holiday needs it’s own dish towel/socks/toilet paper” nut gave them to me. I prefer “kitchen” as my kitchen theme.

    Lovely post lovely June! Glad your hoots will live to see another year!


  22. Look at me reading in the morning! I am so glad you have received the “all clear” from the doctor. You can get off the pins and needles now. I also think Milhous was a good addition.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    P.S. I asked this in a comment the other day: May I have permission to copy that lovely essay about finding your grandma’s table cloth? I would like to share it with my comp students as a mentor text. Because you are awesome.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Thank you! Now, if I could only get my students to write like you… It is mountains I am climbing over here. I appreciate your generosity!


        1. How old are they? Because I thought a lot more about dick than writing as a teen. Hey, mom. Merry Christmas. Dick was the reason for the season, mom.



          1. A smattering of ages…I teach Freshman Composition at a Community College so I have some high school students who are PSEO (taking college classes while still in High School for dual credit), some adults who are coming back to college, and some regular, run of the mill, freshman or sophomore in college students. Let’s be real, here. They area ALL probably more interested in dick than what I am peddling. But with YOUR ESSAY they will be transformed!


  23. I just had my first mammogram over at Cone, and I got the call that they saw something that they wanted an additional scan for. Of course, my mind went straight to cancer. Harper as a motherless child. And stayed there for a week, until the second screening, where they declared that I’m fine. WTF. Thank you for the emotional rollercoaster, dicks.


    1. Oh, you should have talked to me. They do that a lot for the first mammogram. I shook for three days when they did that to me. But those are because they’ve never seen all your goings-on before.

      Also? I feel like Harper could totally take care of herself, like Pippi Longstocking.


  24. Just pants!~ I read in the “Just Jack!” voice. I’ve had a few biopsies so I appreciate your fear of the results letter. Here’s hoping your ta-tas are in excellent shape and you’re given the all clear for another year!


  25. At least once a year I appreciate the NE Ohio area despite it’s lack of sunshine. The Cleveland Clinic breast cancer screening places are amazing. This year I had my mammogram at 1:00 and my scans were reviewed by the radiologist soon after and then my primary care physician reviewed them and I had my results in an email by around 4:30 that same day. They are amazing with the whole mammogram process.


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