Weathered Vain

“Leaves no oily residue,” my eye-makeup remover reads. I just read that this morning while I was washing off the oily residue from my eye-makeup remover.

Just tell the truth. Jesus. “Removes your makeup pretty cheaply because it’s the drug store brand.” You know what I really like is that Clinique eye-makeup remover, but it’s too rich for my blood. Even though I got new lips yesterday like I could afford it.

Wait. What?

On Tuesday, I had a consultation at the same place that I get m’Botox and m’Juvederm. In case you’re local, I go to Barber Center and I see Robin.

You know I hate my lips, right? And I already have a Gor-Tex implant in the top one, from 1998, and lemme show you my lips, former.

Al Gore-Tex

Okay. Here’s me and my blemish and my lips, fmr. I took this Monday. I’ve no idea why. I’m certain there was a reason at the time. …Oh, I remember. Self-obsession.

So I went to the consultation on Tuesday, and this Robin over there, man does she look good. Not fake cat-lady good, either. The point is, she said, “Thin lips are really hard to bring out. We can add bloo-dee-blah and see if that works, and on top of that, add bleee-dee-bleep-bloo if we wanna keep going.”

That all sounded good to me, but she’s so in demand that she wasn’t available to do it till August 29. “That’s fine,” I thought, and don’t you hate people who say, “I thought to myself”? Who the hell else do you think to?

Anyway, my theory was that’d give me time to save my pennies.

Then yesterday at work, the phone rang.

“Robin has had a cancellation. Do you want to come in today?”

I wonder if we’ve met. Hi, I’m June. I’m impulsive. How do you do? LET’S STREAK.

I mean, I could have said, “Oh, I’ll wait till August till I’ve saved my pennies.”

“I’m taking an early lunch!” I announced, and hightailed it right to the office of beauty and naturalness. The building of aging gracefully.

While I was waiting in the lobby, my old workplace called and up and offered me a job. I am not kidding you. It’s the place I worked at circa 2008–2009. I demurred. Then I went in and had my lips done did. Talk about your dramatic day.

She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t li-docaine.

This is what she used on me, and look at this bitch. If I had her regular lips, I’d be praising Jesus and all the saints.

“We’ll try Volbella,” Robin-who-looks-great said, (“Volbella.” Good lord.) “and if we want to keep going with other stuff, we can.”

First, I iced my lips, and I don’t mean I murdered them. Then she put this numbing cream on me, and maybe this process was the other way around. It was all a whirl. I woke up yesterday not knowing NEW LIPS were at hand.

IMG_8867.jpgHere’s me yesterday with the numbing gel, waiting for my million shots to the lips. SHOT TO THE LIPS, AND YOU’RE TO BLAME. Darlin’ you give aging a bad name.

I mean, I think you have to hand it to me that with all this last-minute-ness, I thought, Oh, shit, I’ll probably blog about this. I should take a fow-toe. So I did. And flattering lights in there? When the lights, shine down, on the biddy.

How much of that lidocaine you been takin’, honey?

Then she gave me the shots.

Mother of pearl.

Look. I get through Botox like it’s nothing. And I had Ultherapy and wanted to die (I think I’m beginning to see the results of that, by the way). This pain was somewhere in between.

Mostly, the fact that my lips were so numb freaked me out. It felt like they were 11 feet wide, and I worried, “Am I able to breathe? I can’t really feel my breathe parts.”

And then also, and I want you to brace your own self, but having needles poked right in your lips really hurts. But each shot included lidocaine (Take your silver spoon, dig your grave), so it got more numb as time went on.

Who here is hoping hard I keep referencing cocaine songs?

We used up the Volbella, and after some discussion, in which my lips did not actually move, we decided I’ll stay with just this for now, give it two weeks to settle in, and see if I want to add this other stuff on top of it.


So here they are now.

“It looks very natural,” my Aunt Kathy said, when of course I immediately texted her the results of my day of needles.

“Yeah, that’s the problem,” I wrote her back. “Natural is never my goal.”

Lip, lack, love

So here’s before, with the flattering numbing cream, and after. I think I will probably go get more shit put in. Because last night Ned stopped by, which by the way, I pulled into my drive just as he did, because I had been out on a very important mission.

IMG_8900.jpgFaithful Reader and now Mother of One of My Foster Kittens LaUral sent me info on this: rosé vodka. You know in the cartoons where someone takes off in a hurry and there’s a little puff of smoke behind them?

“Hi. I’m a girl,” my new lips said to the indifferent woman at the liquor store. “I hear there’s a rosé vodka.”

She sighed and took me over there. To the vagina section of the liquor store. The only good thing that happened was this song came on:

and it turns out, we both love it, if you’ll forgive the pun. So we had us a little dance party in the vagina aisle.

Anyway, so Ned popped over, and I was all, “Oooo! I won’t say a thing, and we’ll see if he notices my new giant lips.”

He didn’t.

Oh, I was pursing them, and smiling with them even though they hurt. I was turning my head in every direction. That male, straight motherfucker.

Photo on 5-23-18 at 7.23 PM
wat rong wif U

Anyway, I can tell, but I will probably add to the lip sitch in a few weeks.

Oh, and yes to the rosé vodka! I tried it straight and it kind of tasted like rosé wine, but then I added it to my PowerAde Zero Fruit Punch flavor, and it was a dream. I hardly ever drink now, because I’m tryina be thin and also wine never fails to make my head hurt, so I think the last time I drank was that party back in early May. The good news is I have one drink and I’m all painting my body gold and singing Wild Irish Rosé.

Don’t give me any lip,

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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

36 thoughts on “Weathered Vain”

  1. I see a difference. I did the lip thing – loved it but hate that I need to do it again. I also had some ‘bruising’ which is super fun to have on your face. I just told people that we don’t talk about fight club.


  2. Oh, I would love to have the same thing done. When I was young and bouncy and full-lipped, I thought aging was all about crow’s feet. That was the thing I was worried about. OH NOES! Fine lines around my eyes!
    I’d take twice the crow’s feet if I could give back the thinning lips and hair.


    1. And I see a difference in your lips. People are apparently suffering from hysterical blindness for some reason.


  3. How do your lips FEEL after this is done (to you, not to anyone kissing you)? Can you tell there is something there or does it just feel like a regular lip? I would never have anything like that done, mostly because I’m cheap, but I get really wistful when I look at the skinny old lips I have now and thing back to when I thought my lips were too fat.
    Lovely post, June. You look lovely, and I think you could do a little more of it, as long as you don’t end up looking like Anjelina Jolie or Julia Roberts (too much, IMO).


  4. My girlfriend just had her OTHER lips done, and if you go that route, promise us no photos.


  5. I am so afraid of a bad reaction that I don’t think I would do lip injections, although I would if I wasn’t such a worry wart. And I had money to do it. I DO need botox and fillers in my forehead between my eyes. I have the worst, deepest lines there. But remember? Worry wart.
    Can’t wait to see how your lips progress over the weeks.


  6. I’ll be honest, I do not see any difference. All it looks to me is like you put on lipstick.

    I’ve noticed that as I’ve, uh, CHANGED, my lips have gotten thinner. They’re not the non-existent lips that my mom has but my upper lip has definitely thinned out a little. But ain’t no way I’m having needles stuck in my lips. Nope. I’m too chicken.


    1. I don’t know how you people can’t see the SIDES of my upper lip are way more pronounced. Also they say Yanny.



  7. Men just don’t see the obvious. Your lips, your new lips, look really good. There IS a difference. I’m way too chicken to have needles in my lips, so I guess I’m stuck with the wrinkles. Love the last photo of you and Edz.


  8. A few years ago I saved up and paid $500 for a tube of whatever the stuff was they used on plumping lips – it was $250 off. I made my appt to use it – the med spa I go to allows you to buy things on sale and put them on your account to use whenever – and immediately the woman who was about to inject me tells me what I wanted it to be used for wasn’t the purpose of the injection. I wanted it to fill in the tiny lines I have at the top of my lips. Nope. It doesn’t help that. So she filled up my upper lip and it was the same thing as you – you couldn’t tell the difference. Sigh. I needed two tubes. Please keep us updated on what you do next! I am currently saving for laser treatments to help with old acne scarring but I’d love to plump my lips if something actually WORKS.


    1. I have those same dents!!! My Skinpen treatment helped a little, but I want to have them filled. However, I am going for 2 consults (different docs) about getting a necklift and I think that will fix the dents when they pull the skin back, so holding out on the fillers until I decide what to do. I HATE my neck! Just not sure if I want to go a far as major surgery to fix it.

      Thanks for the info on the new drink … gotta find something to replace my mudslides which are full of carbs and sugar!

      p.s. Your lips look great, but I would probably add a little more, too. I think they will look fabulous!


  9. I am always so intrigued by those kinds of procedures!! Thanks for sharing with us. I can see a difference!


    1. I’D ALSO LIKE TO POINT –oops– out, that she noted my “dents” on the sides of my mouth, both above and below. She called them something official. “What’s that from?” I asked her. “Well, as we age…” she began, and I was all woman in Amityville Horror when she saw the basement opening. “COVER IT!!!!”

      So please note my mouth has no more dents.


  10. I know your views on natural, but I prefer natural to some of the horrors I’ve seen. I can see a difference, even if Ned can’t.


  11. Lookin’ good, but I’ve told you pre-injections that you have cute lips. There is no way I’d have needles stuck in my lips, but the outcome looks mahvelous on you. Just don’t go all Khloe Kardashian on us. And I love that picture of you showing Eds your new lips. Beautiful!


  12. Hi June, I like both versions of your lips (before and after). The new version is cute too…very natural looking. I’m glad it made you happy!


  13. When the lights shine down on the biddy! You are a pisser, Mizz Junebug!

    The lips look great (I have thin ones too) but the thought of those needles scares me, even if I had the money. Thanks for letting us live vicariously through you, yet again.


  14. Shots in my lips? No way!!! How often do you have to repeat the process? Since Robin said to give it two weeks to settle in, wonder if that means changes during that time.


  15. I can tell! And they look pretty! You have more Cupid’s bow now.

    I’ve been downing PowerAde Zero like it’s water – which basically it is. Expensive water. But it do be delishus! Next up – vodka!

    Lovely post lovely lippy June!


  16. An exciting lip day for you! Of COURSE Ned didn’t notice. He’s a guy. And it’s not like your two are kissing anymore. THEN he would notice.

    Lovely post, lovely June!


  17. I made the blog! I made the blog! Er, not-blog. Ahem; pardon me while I try to gather m’dignity.

    (lost cause)

    OK (pulling up chair and settling in), is the lip stuff supposed to gradually inflate your lips, or is what you see now what will be, or how does that work? I KNOW I can Googlefuckingit, but I want *personal* perspective. As opposed to an impersonal one. Because I also do NOT like my lips and the little vertical lines that siphon off my lipstick. I used to love my lips. Aging is disheartening.

    Also, what kind of job did they offer you? Why did you not take it? Hang on – I need to go twitch my curtains and see what the neighbors are doing…

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Your lips look great but I can see where you have to be careful so that you don’t end up looking ridiculous. I’m sure Edsel appreciates the improvement even if Ned is too caught up in his own stuff to notice!


  19. Edz can’t take his eyes off you. Perhaps the scent of lidocaine mixed with rose vodka is bewitching. Love the lipz!


  20. Wow! They look good! Very natural. I’ve thought about trying that and then I see pictures of Courtney Cox or Melanie Griffith and freak out. Yours look amazing! Lip, laugh, love ha!


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