“June,” “May” We Hear About Your “April” Weekend? Otherwise We’ll “March.”

I’ll wait till you can stop slapping your knee over that headline.

Let’s see. What the hell did I do this weekend while you were here in my computer in suspended animation?

On Friday afternoon, I got an Amazon delivery at work. “I need a blog,” the mailroom guy always says to me, as every delivery I’ve ever gotten is you guys sending me things, usually things that enable my animal habit.

Faithful Reader PJ sent me a most excellent litter scoop (it’s fabulous) (oh, hang on! Entreprenuer June has an idea!).

Oh, look, a link to the scoop! Now YOU can have this excellent scooper, or anything you want on Amazon! All profits go to kitten or lipstick habits.

Also, FR Suburban Correspondent, who really is a faithful reader, sent me some of my kitten food, which I am needing, as they are now eating real food as well as nursing, and they are going through about five cans a day.

ware a condum

And by “they,” I mean my seven foster kittens. And their mom. In case you’ve been out of the country, and not reading me. Being out of the country means there is no internet. Everyone knows internet is American.

IMG_7743.jpgThey’re doing great, as long as you don’t mind food crumbs everywhere. And they’re ALL getting the hang of the litter box!

IMG_7716.jpgThe runt is my special friend. She wasn’t eating the real food yet, so I started hand-feeding it to her like she was a bird or something, and now as soon as I walk in, she gets on my lap and screeches, MEEEEEEE.

Oh my god, I love that runt.

IMG_7735.jpgI make a gruel, because the internet told me to, of canned kitten food, dry kitten food, kitten milk supplement and water. It looks disgusting but they adore it. And step directly in it. So.

Oh my god, I was talking about Friday.

After work Friday, a very exclusive 187 of us were invited to a happy hour. There’s one guy who’s always funny, and near the end of the day he replied all, “I can’t wait to see all 187 of you tonight. What a reasonable number to invite.”

The good news is, it meant a lot of people were there, and I couldn’t stay long because see 12 animals at my house, above, but I did get to hang a bit.


It was Ryan’s birthday, and he is very depressed that he is a year away from being 30. Now he isn’t, because I bludgeoned him with a pickaxe. Forever 29.

Also, I’d asked Wedding Alex if she was going to go, as she and her spouse have been doing Whole 30 all year and it’s illegal or something to drink on Whole 30. By the way, if they’ve been doing it since January 1, at this point it’s more like Whole 120.

“Yeah, I was thinking of going,” she said. “But I gotta look cute first.” Then she pushed her hair from behind her shoulders to in front of her shoulders.

“…That’s it? That’s how you get cute? You move you hair forward?” asked the woman who spent $3228,920304 on Ultherapy.

Her “cute side.”

The fun thing about Wedding Alex is she’s a terrible drinker. She’s drunk on like five sips. Normally she’s all professional and poised and then you get a mai tai in front of her and she becomes your Irish uncle. It’s one of my more fun hobbies, witnessing Drunk Alex.

There was a fund raiser here for pit bulls–a pitty party, if you will–and Saturday I left my house of animals to attend a fund raiser for animals. Apparently I did not win the raffle or they’re holding out on me to build suspense.

IMG_7708.jpgI photographed self before the event, but once I was in there, surrounded by sweet pitty puppies and big-headed pits and so on, I felt like an idiot saying, “Can I photograph these dogs?”

But, oh. There was a teensy all-gray one who I died over. I’m dead right now, next to bludgeoned Ryan.

After I’d ponied up my raffle money and so on, and headed to the country. Every Friday at work from spring through fall, this produce truck comes to work, and guess who never has cash.

“You should always keep $300 cash on you,” my coworker Griff says, from his loft in Fantasyland.

But everyone’s strawberries looked so good that on Saturday I headed all the way to their actual farm–the produce people’s farm, not my coworkers’–and bought strawberries. Since it was a really pretty day and I was already in the country, I drove around a bit, as that is my bailiwick, driving in the country.

Is your bailiwick a thing you like to do or a thing you’re good at?

Anyway, I found a park with a trail (I could not help but appreciate my grand hiking shoes, which were my pink satin ruffly shoes that’re excellent for a fund raiser AND, apparently, hiking! Versatile.) and a dock and it was lovely and I saw fish jumping, which made me think of how Ned gets annoyed at that Doobie Brothers’ song that goes, “catfish all jumping…” because catfish don’t jump.

The thing is, I go around with my regularly scheduled list of things that irk me, like calling them “veggies” and so on, and then someone lists something new for me to abhor and it’s a whole new world.

I hiked the smaller trail, in my pink satin flats, and did not see a snake, which was my entire goal.

Migraine. Goddammit. Why I always gotta have a migraine? In fact, this weekend I’d stupidly formed the thought, “I haven’t had a migraine in awhile,” which is something my mother-in-law, fmr., taught me is a kina hora, which means you think something like that and you curse yourself.

“Oh, traffic’s not bad today” and boom. There’s traffic. Kina hora.

I really shoulda been Jewish. I’m perfect for it.

I got up, fed everyone in agony and unmatched pajamas, went back to bed and slept till almost 5 p.m. and got up and fed everyone again. Ned came over with two bags of kitten food and a ton of canned kitten food, which was nice, and I will have gone through it in a week, probably.

But thanks to your tips, I’ll just get more!

The shelter should really pay for this. They’d be paying for it if the kittens were there. Also, I’ve been volunteering since November, and in that time two volunteer coordinators have quit. I don’t know what is up, there, but everyone who does work there is really very lovely, if overworked.

While I was lying in misery yesterday, I ordered a Freeze Sleeve.

Actual photo of my body. Also? A link to Amazon.

My elbow has been killing me, and I thought, if only they had an ice sleeve, which sounded like something I made up. My doctor told me to ice my elbow twice a day, and I have been, but when I do, I have to sit motionless with an iced eye mask on my arm. It’s stupid. So in my head I invented a sleeve you can just wear, that’s iced.

It’s like this time in, say, 1989, when my roommate Sandy and I were lying out. It was Michigan, so even though it was probably May, it was still a bit cold.

“This would be perfect if we just had a windwall,” she said.

“A what?”

“A windwall, to keep the wind from blowing on us.” She adjusted her reflective blanket.

“You know you just invented that in your mind, right?”

A windwall.

That was me, with my ice sleeve, but it turns out it’s really a thing, so I ordered one.

Hoping you find your windwall, and get past the torment of turning 29.


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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

40 thoughts on ““June,” “May” We Hear About Your “April” Weekend? Otherwise We’ll “March.””

  1. Oh, my gosh! Those kittens are getting BIG! And are still adorable…even more so. I am down with mugging Griff too.

    Lovely post, lovely June!


  2. I’m still slapping my knee at your clever title.
    The kittens are so cute….even while standing in their own food.
    Don’t you hate people who think their life is over at 30?


  3. I think I am rich if I have $20 in my wallet. My goal has always been and will always be to NEVER see a snake. Ryan needs to get over it, he’s young enough to be my grandson.

    You look beautiful. Those kittens [sigh].


  4. A year away from 30…good grief, what is wrong with these young’uns?

    Currently cat-less, but that does look like a cool scooper. I’ll have to wishlist it for whenever we do get another cat.


  5. 1. I’m also a believer of kina hora, although I didn’t know it had a name.

    2. I would have photographed the dogs without asking. Is that bad protocol?

    3. Tell Ryan to pound sand. I turned 74 yesterday.


  6. I love a good wind so I will take your share. I had the torn screen atrium door opened to suck up the lovely cross breeze Saturday evening and Elphaba escaped and the Mister and I got in to it. I had to close the door and lose my lovely breeze and I was very bitchy about it. He doesn’t want to get that screen fixed because he is always cold. Breeze blocked, damn husband and damn cat. I just wanted to let her out, Elphaba, but she’s ten and clueless. She was back in within thirty minutes. She is the opposite of Steeley. She is a house mouse like me.
    Thank you for the hora lesson. That would be me too. I would have enjoyed a Jewish mother-in-law but with my luck she would have hated my shiksa ass.


  7. I know it’s worn out, but what I wouldn’t give to be 29 and know what I know now.
    Lovely post, Juanita.


  8. Thanks for the kitten stuff ideas and the link. I am keeping a list of things I might want to get when I get foster kittens. Even thought the Humane Society around me says they will pay for everything, I’m sure I will want to get a couple of things. I haven’t had a cat for over 2 years and no longer have anything for cats.
    Is it wrong that I immediately thought about mugging Griff?


    1. When we were first married and so broke we couldn’t even pay attention, my FIL, who was also my husband’s boss, told us we should get $250 from the bank every Friday for “running around money”. Ironically that was EXACTLY the amount of money in my husband’s paycheck every week, which FIL clearly knew since he signed said paycheck. Had we followed that advice we would have indeed been running around – to avoid our landlord and all the bill collectors who would have been looking for their share of the puny paycheck. Apparently the spirit of my FIL lives on in Griff.


  9. That certainly is a nice litter scooper. You deserve it since you are going to be scooping up after 11. Holy crap – that’s a lot of crap! Poor Ryan, being on the edge of 30 is really a hard time in a person’s life (written in a sarcastic font). I remember being more stressed about turning 31 than 30 because then I was “in my thirties”. Boy did that sound old at the time. Now that I’m 54, not so much!


  10. Wow, definitely no more room at the “titty bar” for those SEVEN kittens! I’m sure momma will feel better when they are weaned! They look so much bigger since you got them.

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