Hashtag Poop

It’s Monday morning, and I can’t remember what I did this weekend. Not in a John Lennon “I slept with so many Asian chicks who weren’t my wife” kind of way, although really, you can’t blame him for that. And who knows? Maybe I did sleep with Asian chicks all weekend. Let’s look at this weekend’s photos and find out.

Nobody noooo, the trubble dog seeeeen…

Oh, right! On Friday morning, I met my new next-door neighbor. The New Peg. He’s got the prettiest cat you’ve ever seen, an orange fluffy girl named Oscar. She’s orange and fluffy–did I mention?–and I was a paragon of dignity, meeting her. And this is my neighbor’s friend’s dog, Rex, who was just visiting. He and Eds raised hackles at each other. It was beautiful.

Work was ridick all of Friday. There was some sort of snafu, and the copy editor who sits behind me and I officially had 30 hours’ worth of work to do in one day. We managed to delegate it and/or do it our own selves, and by 5:00, my eyeballs had fallen out and rolled to a bar.

Right after work, I went around the corner to the funeral home. Jo’s brother died last week, and I told her I’d come to either the funeral or the visitation, and the visitation (say “visitation” one more time, June) was literally around the corner from work.

As I got out of my car, another man was, too, not that I’m a man. So even though we didn’t know each other, we became Funeral Buds and stood in the receiving line and introduced each other to people we knew there. He was like my 20-minute husband.

Then I headed home, because I was so busy at work Friday that I never got to come home for lunch, so I let Eds out and fed everyone, and while I was doing that, The New Peg, my neighbor, came out and said, “Would you like to come over for a beer?”

Hell, yes, I would.

IMG_6803.jpgWhen Jo’s visitation was over, and I just made it sound like the angel of the Lord appeared to Jo, she called me and we got up with each other for snacks and moves from very old men.

We’d gone to this wine bar that apparently you must be 45 or older to attend. You know how on rides they’ll have, like, an upright alligator with a jaunty hat that says, “You must be this tall to ride”? At this place, they have a magnifying mirror. “You must have this many wrinkles to enter.”

“You must be able to recite the chorus to The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia to gain admission.”

Anyway, a man who was actually even older than Jo and me sauntered over. “You mind if I join you while I look for wine?” We happened to be near all the bottles, and I’d make some sort of drunk joke here, but Jo is the least-drinky person who actually drinks that I know. “Do they sell half-glasses?” I’ve heard her say.

In case you thought Jo and I eventually acquiesced and ended up in an old-man sandwich, a tongue-and-liverwurst on rye, we did not. We went home to our respectable abodes without incident.

IMG_6814.jpgOn Saturday, I saw Ned.

Oh, good, June. Good.

IMG_6812.jpgWe went out for Fruity Pebbles cupcakes, and by “we” I mean I ordered one and he looked on in horror.

IMG_6817.jpgThen we went to Target, where my soulmate had clearly been at some point earlier. Hashtag poop! Oh my god, hashtag poop! It’s my new favorite hashtag!

IMG_6827.jpgThe whole point of seeing Ned was so that I could eventually pop in to see Nancy, and you can see how delighted she was about the visit.

Really, she PHOTOGRAPHS bitchy, but she’s the sweetest cat in the world. She’s always all, o hai! So happy and purry.

IMG_6825.jpgAnd she’s got her litterbox down pat!

Then I came home and some cat had pooped on the floor. I got new litter. I think it didn’t go down well. Irony.

IMG_6830.jpgOn Sunday I had Alf over to tell me how much it would cost to fix all the things I want fixed. The only really scary cost is the one to put a real door up on my walk-in closet, aka Steely Dan’s Cafeteria Plan.

“syco” is how Alf spelled a particular…descriptor of Edsel that he didn’t want to say out loud in front of poor Eds. Eds would be all, “least Edz can spell. kind of.”

He’s telling me I need a new deck, Alf is. Edsel doesn’t give one shit. It’s falling apart, the deck is, so now I gotta save my pennies.

This is a time when I remind you that everything we discuss on Facebook of You-Know-Where is not what we necessarily discuss over here.


[June adjusts her papers meaningfully.]

edz not syko. ok, he look little syko heer.

IMG_6850.jpgAnyway, that about sums up the weekend. Now Steely Dan, who was out all night, then came in for disgusting canned breakfast and then demanded to go out again, is staring obsessively up in my tree, the one with the face on it.

I keep tryina call him in, because out-all-night kitty and he must be tired (I say that like he didn’t sleep in front of a fire with his other family, or another Asian woman like John Lennon) and he was TRYING to walk back in while never taking his eyes off the tree.

Finally, I looked up there. A cardinal family has been flitting around my house a lot, and they’re both up there, and if that cat eats cardinal babies Ima have his head. I’ll just walk around for the rest of time with that cat’s head on a stick. It’ll be my signature look.

wate. der cardenuls heer?

House of June

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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

50 thoughts on “Hashtag Poop”

  1. I am sorry about Jo’s loss… but glad you two went to the old folks bar. I would be able to get in with that password.

    The new Peg and Oscar and the friend’s dog sound fun! I am glad you don’t have to put up with the same crap that you do from your other neighbors.

    “I had an orange.” Really, NED? Geez. I can’t even.

    Lovely post, lovely June!


  2. By any chance is the word on the bottom shelf “begone”? Because my brain read #poopbegone. Maybe I have too many kids/dogs so I see what I want to see. Either way, good sentiment. Hooray for nice neighbors btw! Glad the new Peg is friendly.


  3. Oranges do have a lot of sugar, diabetics are told to be careful how many you have. OJ is recommended to quickly raise low bloodsugar. Remember the beauty shop scene in Steel Magnolias? We have a bag of halos in the fridge, my husband’s thing. I am eating a chocolate Italian ice. It takes long to eat and has no cream in it so no IBS issues. Not sugar free because I can’t find them. Combine chocolate and orange or raspberry or cherry?Heavenly!


  4. My son-in-law knowing I can eat gluten and most everything else brought me chocolate covered strawberries, because it’s a fruit.

    I want to pet the beagle so bad. That is NOT a euphanism for anything… or maybe it is.


  5. I very much liked this post and comments. So funny!
    An orange is ok, but it’s certainly not a stand-alone replacement food item. I mean, if I had just eaten a giant chicken fried steak with gravy and someone offered me a hamburger and french fries, then fine. That’s easy to turn down, because equivalent. But an ORANGE is not an acceptable substitute for anything, NED. Good grief.


  6. Yay! New Neighbor likes pets and has friends who like pets! Excellent addition to the neighborhood!


  7. I love all your descriptors, but this one takes the cake because I actually cringed at “a tongue-and-liverwurst on rye, we did not.”

    The cupcake looked amazing, I would have liked a half dozen of those to eat on the way back to the car hashtagwhysochubby – and an orange doesn’t do it. I’m a fan of citrus, but please, the angels sang and made the cupcake!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. For the sake (and health) of the cardinals, please get Dan a collar with a bell of some sort. It at least gives the birdies a fighting chance. (While simultaneously driving you nuts with the gentle ‘ping, ping, ping’ of the damn bell!) Your choice…


          1. An orange will fill you up. Maybe if you also ate the rind and those stringy white parts. After you squeezed it into a healthy glass of vodka.

            Liked by 1 person

              1. Have I mentioned my mother, the clementine sharer? “Split this with me – I can’t eat the whole thing!” I could eat the whole BAG of those delightful things and STILL have room for a cupcake! Ugh.

                Liked by 1 person

  9. Alfa’s going rate seems to be $30. Not bad at all. Check Craigslist or marketplace for a door. My son just sold two, for $30. It must be a magic number.


    1. “Alfa.” Dying.

      It’s not the cost of the door, it’s the labor. It’s a weird size and he’ll have to adjust it and so on.


  10. Oh, my husband loves a blue tick! He will be dying when I show him that picture! Such a cute, cool pupper!
    #poop. Dying.
    Great post, pretty Joon.


  11. Wait. Did you go to the neighbor’s for a beer? Did I miss that strand? Plus, also, I love the neighbor’s friend’s dog.


      1. No wonder I love him so!! I LOVE hounds and I LOVE beagles but we have a tiny yard and the nearest dog park is far away. It would be cruel to that type of animal for us to own one!! I’ll just love from afar. The ONLY reason I want a bigger yard is for animals. I wouldn’t actually want to maintain said yard so a small one works for us!


      2. Rex looks like a nice bite-size dog. Rex and Edz can howl a duet together at the fence, if they ever become friends.


  12. My cat, Bugg, bit the P-I-double-S out of me the other night. Have you ever seen “The Vampire Dairies”? You know that crunching sound you hear when one of the vampires bites someone? I imagined I heard that sound when he bit me. I think he meant to draw blood. What does a cat owner do to stop this abuse? I’m almost afraid to pet him now. That shit hurts!

    So happy that you have a nice neighbor. And one who likes cats and dogs.


  13. Alf is a very reasonably priced handyman!

    Everybody says how easygoing cats are but then I hear stories about how they are so particular about their food and where they poop and I’m all “I don’t need another ME around here!”.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. The new neighbor’s cat is an orange fluffy girl named Oscar? Not Ms. Oscar? Not Oksana?

    Your weekend certainly beat mine. Two words: Bridal Shower. Three words: Fat and Old. (Me, not the bride or her endless bridal party. Those bitches could wear my bracelet as a belt and it would still slide off their hips. I remember those days fondly.)


      1. Imagine the NextDoor drama if SD were Hazel! “Yes, that’s Hazel. He has a home. Yes, he’s a boy. No, not Harold…Hazel.”

        I’m glad New Peg is a pet person.


  15. Blind Iris should be the one to watch. So glad the new Peg seems to be a nice neighbor. Has Oscar met SD? We know how Edz meeting Rex went. Is the new Peg a male or female? Or did I miss that detail? I’m so glad Nancy has worked out well for Ned. #poop


    1. Oscar will, in fact, be an outdoor cat, but since I haven’t heard fishwife-level screeching, I think he and SD have not met.


      1. Duh, I just re-read the first part of your post. The new Peg is HE. Sorry for THAT questions. I’m sure SD will let you know when he meets Oscar. My kitty I loved so much was Oscar, Oscar Snuggles, King of Tidewater, but he was a HE and not a she.


  16. Looks like the peacock bedspread is a hit.
    You skipped over the neighbor way to fast for my liking…anyone else…discuss.


    1. Reminder: I’m not a character; I’m a person. My neighbor is a nice man but that is all, and can we not “discuss”?


      1. I only meant , I wondered if anyone else was curious about him. And your interaction…you know..if there was any connection.
        Sorry to upset you.


        1. I’m not upset! I think sometimes we forget it’s not four of us around a table, you know what I mean? Like, *anyone *can read this. My coworkers, my boss, my ex, my neighbor. So sometimes it gets awkward if we get too personal and such.

          Liked by 1 person

  17. Fun weekend. Glad you have a nice new neighbor.
    Is the closet made of asbestos or is that a style of closet.


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