Eyes that talk like cats

Turns out, I locked Steely Dan in the attic all night, so I’m feeling pretty good about my cat mothering skills.

I went up there for some paperwork, which I FOUND, by the way, and then I took it downstairs (there I go again, calling the attic “upstairs” like a giant nutbar) and pored over it obsessively. (I was trying to see how old my roof is. Let’s say it’s, oh, 21. Not only can your roof drink, but also your roof might need replacing, right?) (Crap.)

I didn’t think about how that gray ass GOES UP THERE, goes upstairs, every chance he gets.

Last night, before bed, I opened the front door and tried calling him in, a fruitless effort I make nightly. Well, he’s with his other family, I thought, shutting the door and giving up.

That’s why it alarmed me when I heard him meowing this morning. Usually when I get up, he’s staring at me through some window, with the intensity of a thousand suns. But he never meows to come in. That would be undignified. Unseemly.

“Steely Daaaan!” I called out my front door this morning, a reprise of last night’s siren song. Am certain the neighbors can’t get enough of me. “Who’s she gonna call next, Kajagoogoo?”

I was really worried. Why was he meowing so loudly? Was my gray prince of a kitten hurt? Don’t tell him I said that.

“Steely Daaaan! Kitty!?” I called out the back door, which is not a euphemism.

And then I saw the papers on my table. And right then I knew.

He wasn’t even that huffy about it, till he discovered I’m also out of canned food. After spending a night in an attic like a bat, he was rewarded with dry GIRL food that he only eats to annoy Iris and Lily. He enjoys sticking his head in their bowls when they’re eating, just to be an asshole.

The reason I’m out of cat food is I’m on a very strict $16-a-day budget till next Friday. I’m having a crown put on, and I think we can all agree I’ve deserved one of those for years. But it’s going to cost me $750 out of pocket–not that I ever put money in my pockets because look what happened to my ATM card when I put IT in my pocket on whiskey sour night–so in order to pay for  it, I have to live small this pay period.

So far, I’ve failed terribly at living on $16 a day. On Monday I managed till I filled a prescription at $22.

Then on Tuesday I ran out of gas. I don’t mean you saw me on the side of the highway carrying a can, but I was on the last dot of m’gage. So I pulled in to the dodgy gas station that’s on my way home from work, a gas station I almost never go to because they let some random dude run over and offer to fill your tank for you, a guy who doesn’t work there. And then I always tip him because he filled my tank for me and I know that’s how he’s eeking out a living, but the whole thing makes me uncomfortable, and it ends up costing me more.

But of course on Tuesday he wasn’t there. I guess he felt he’s earned vacation time. And this was the ONE TIME I coulda used that guy, because I put my card in, and it asked me if it was credit or debit, and then it said, “Card rejected. Please see cashier.”

Once, this friend of mine in LA asked me to take her to this event, and she lived seriously far from me, and driving to take a friend somewhere is no small task in LA. We’re talking this will be an extra hour both there and back. But I didn’t want to seem like a giant bitch (oh, June…), so I said okay. I drove an hour home from work, ate whatever standing up, then got BACK in the car to pick up HER ass so we could go to our event.

I ran out of gas that day, too, and had to go to this really dodgy gas station in Hollywood, and the next day my identity was stolen. There’s someone going around right now saying, “No, I’M June Gardens!”

So I’m suspicious of gas pumps in general, and I’m REALLY suspicious when it says, “Please see cashier.” So what I did Tuesday was, I got in the car and left.

With guess what. The flappy thing open on my car and the gas cap on my roof.

I drove about a block before it dawned on me I’d done that, so I pulled into a parking lot and walked along the gutter back to the dodgy gas station, looking for that cap.

I found it. It had been run over already.

So I took what’s left of my gas cap and went to the gas station I’ve always resented because they shut off my gas one time when I looked at my phone while pumping. Oh fuck you, explosion police.

So Tuesday cost me gas and a gas cap.

Yesterday I managed to spend nothing, but I did also manage to close my cat in an attic for 12 hours, so.

Just seven more days till I get paid again, but I still have to live small, because crown. I have to pay for this crown. On the 18th. The 18th is crown day. Oooo, what if the royal baby is born on my crown day? That’ll mean I’m royalty.

Oh, June. Delusional June.

Tonight, with my allotted $16, my pal Jo and I are possibly painting the town. Her brother died, which is really sad. I met him, and he was cool. The visitation is tonight, and I’m going to that, and then if there’s time, afterward we’re going to go to the First Friday stuff downtown so she can kind of have a break. We might even pop in on Kit, who of course has to work the First Friday stuff downtown, as she owns a, you know, store there.

Also, someone has moved into Peg’s. They’re busy unpacking and I think building something in the back, there. I’d introduce myself but every time I’ve seen them they look busy or I’m in a robe, so.

I’d better get to work. I have so much to do there that I forget to go pee. By the end of the day lately, my eyes are exhausted. They’re like, no to make us see to drive home. We done seeing.

Eye talk. I don’t know why eyes talk like cats. Especially 52-year-old eyes.

See you. BAH.




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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

30 thoughts on “Eyes that talk like cats”

  1. We must have attended the same cat mothering skills class. When I left the bedroom this morning Snow Pea was the only one waiting for me in the hall. Gingersnap was locked in the basement, poor dear. At least there was a litter box and something soft to sleep on down there, although I bet she slept on the top step waiting for me to rescue her.


  2. Gotta leave for work, no time to scroll back up, but WTF someone here has a spouse who has multiple hundred-dollar bills in his pockets that he just forgets about?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Really! I think I’ve found something when I find quarters and nickels in the washer, which I collect and when my little cut I have in the laundry room is full I roll the change. I might have $17.50.


  3. I have a dentist appointment next week. Fingers crossed that I won’t be royalty any time soon.


  4. Kate might as well put it on her calendar – April 18th June gets a crown and Kate gets a princess.


  5. I thought Kajagoogoo was the name of a dildo. Then I Googlefucking it. SD and the “dry girl food” kills me.


  6. Bake the new neighbors some cookies… maybe not.

    My cats, fmr., loved the attic. They would come out covered in spider webs.

    I feel your pain, no pun intended, on the cost of a crown. I have two that need replacing and no dental insurance. We should declare April 18th June Gardens Queen for the Day.


  7. Dear June, where is your tip jar link? I see the amazon one at the end with the sea glass box.


    1. I think I took it down, because it seemed obnoxious to have that AND an Amazon link. But here! paypal.me/JuneGardens

      I’d would never stand in the way of a tip! heeee.


  8. Go through June’s Amazon link if you are shopping to say thanks to June for delivering the funny.
    Tip jar link too.


  9. Do they offer a Flexible Spending Account at your office? You estimate how much you will spend in the upcoming calendar year on eligible medical/dental expenses and then put pre-tax dollars into the account (divided by the number of paychecks in the year). The beauty is that you can have everything done in January, even when you’ve only made one payment. Of course, the down side is that if you don’t use it all up by the end of the year, you lose it. So I just go buy a pair of eyeglasses if I have anything left.


      1. Here’s how I explained it to my office staff:
        A Flexible Spending Account (FSA) is a special account that you use to pay for certain out-of-pocket health care costs. An amount you specify is taken out of your paycheck (before income tax is taken out) and set aside to pay medical and dental expenses. You don’t pay income tax on that money. That means it actually reduces the income taxes you pay.
        • EXAMPLE: If you make $20,000 a year, you pay income tax on $20,000. If you set aside $1,500 to pay medical expenses, you only pay income tax on $18,500.

        Remember when we enrolled for our health care benefits earlier this year and you learned about deductibles and copayments you would have to make? Making these payments from your flexible spending account is a great way to make this easier to manage and to save money. You can use your FSA to pay deductibles and copayments, for prescription medicines, eyeglasses and contact lenses.

        When you enroll, you can request a FSA debit card to use when you have to pay medical and dental expenses. It automatically deducts the expense from your FSA account and you don’t have to lay any money out, file a claim, and wait to get your money back.

        Important Notes:
        • Maximum you can put into your FSA is $2,600 per year per employer (and your spouse can have a separate FSA with their employer for another $2,600).
        • You can only use your FSA to pay for expenses during the calendar year for which you enrolled, but you can file a claim for those expenses until April 15th of the following calendar year.
        o EXAMPLE: If you paid a copayment of $30 for a doctor’s visit on 12/29/17, you would have until 4/15/18 to file a claim.
        • Any money left in your FSA at the end of the year is lost to you.


  10. Many years ago I used to put all my paper money I’d received as change in my pocket. It might have been a coat pocket, jeans/pants, whatever, and consisted of everything from a dollar bill to a ten. When I rewore the item, I was always delighted to find this extra money. One day I got ambitious and decided to go through all my clothes I hadn’t worn for a while and donate them to Goodwill. Guess who didn’t check the pockets. I’ve always wondered how much cash I donated along with the clothes. I hope you have better luck with your money, June.


    1. I ALWAYS check pockets. When my husband and I first started living together and I did a laundry load of his work pants, imagine my utter delight when I opened the dryer to fold clothes and there was a shower of $100 bills. 30+ years later, he still doesn’t empty his pockets when gets undressed at the end of the day, just throws his clothes in the laundry basket. So I always check his pockets and it pretty much supplements my income.

      My son asked me to do his laundry. I reminded him that whatever I find, I keep. He did his own laundry.


  11. See you.

    I do that math thing, too. At the beginning of the week I could spend $23 a day. I have to pay $5 per day for parking. So, yeah. Now I’m down to $15 a day. Which, in reality is $10. dammit. I can tell you now that I will not make that. I currently do not have very much self control.


  12. Oh, June. Your life is so much more exciting than mine.

    Someone would regret stealing my identity…not because I’d do anything but they’d be living in poverty, ha.

    Have a great weekend!


  13. To celebrate First Friday, the Cooked Tail Cat Cafe is doing a vendor night. I don’t care so much about the vendors, but they are letting everyone in for free to play with the cats. And they have $5 glasses of wine. Just wanted to put that out there, you know, in case petting cats was your thing.


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