June is generally cranky.

It’s a cold, rainy, miserable Monday following stupid daylight saving, which is the perfect punctuation to a cold, rainy miserable weekend. Later today, it’s going to snow! In March! So then it’ll be a cold, snowy, miserable March Monday. In 11 years of living in NC, I have yet to encounter snow in March.

Right now, the rain is so cold that I took trash out to the bin, with the intention of rolling said bin to the curb, saw there was only one other bag in the bin, and said, “Fuck it.” That’s how cold and miserable it is. I’ll-live-with-trash-in-the-bin-for-another-week miserable.

I’m unsure if I’ve precisely expressed to you the not-pretty that is my weather.

And why’s it gotta be so goddamn early? What the Sam Philistine Fuck?

June’s blog. Come for the inspiration.

Anyway, when last we spoke, I’d had an unnecessary medical procedure guaranteed to make me look younger, which so far hasn’t kicked in. It hurts less, but mostly I have the agony of discomfort and none of the recaptured youth. In fact, with my broken toe–that is now on week 5 but is definitely getting better–I’ve done very little exercise and am starting to abhor self. I look even older and larger than when the weekend began.

Also, Edsel went to the vet Friday, and I say that like he said, “Taakking carr. Bee back soonz” but really I drove him. He had his bordetella, which is a shot dogs get so they can hobnob at daycare and in dog parks and at dog bars and dog sex clubs. It’s the condom of dog shots.

My point is, they weighed him at the vet and he weighs 50, which is an all-time high for the Edz. He weighs this much because we’ve gone on zero walks since The Toe Incident. I think I hobbled to the corner and back with him once or twice, but that’s it. I feel terrible about it, but what can you do? I can’t fekking walk.

So, today is out, because perhaps I didn’t mention the weather, but it’s poorly, the weather is. But tomorrow I’ll put on my folk fest shoes

How many shoes must a woman try on. Before you can call her a man.

and try to walk him at least two blocks. See if m’toe can deal.

…Just now, ridiculous Steely Dan asked to go out, and I say “ridiculous” because he IS ridiculous, and also because I asked him if he wanted to go out when I let Eds out in the yard for his morning constitutional, and I asked him again 20 minutes later when I let Eds back in, and both times he glowered at me from a foot away.

Then as soon as I got under Laila Ali


he started mowing and sounding pitiful and carrying on, so I got OUT from under Laila Ali


and opened the door.

He sniffed. Put a delicate paw on the cold metal threshold.

do steeelee LOOK like fan of watur?

Anyway, I understood his emotion, there, because in case I hadn’t driven it on home, it’s cold and rainy out. And miserable.

I got under Laila again


and seconds later,


For a big, hulking imposition of a cat, he has the girliest delicate meow. You’d think he’d be one of those Patty-and-Selma-meowing cats, all, MEOW. But he isn’t.

When I was a kid, we’d go to Rose Auto Supply to get gas. I liked going there because I liked the name Rose, and also, this ENORMOUS–I mean HUGE–guy would come to the window.

“Fill it up with regular,” my father would always say, and I never knew what that meant, but I also thought maybe he was saying, “Fill it up with irregular,” and that was even MORE compelling, but my point is, the gas-filler at Rose Auto Supply had




you ever heard on a man. He made Snow White sound butch. I was riveted by this anomaly, and in retrospect am certain I was not subtle in my fascination. Probably all kids were riveted by him, and I wonder if the advances in medical science could help that poor guy today, or if even now he’d be Squeaky Fromme.

I was similarly riveted by the waitress at Johnny’s Chick-Inn who had an arm tattoo. And the saleslady at Weichmann’s who had purple hair. No child would bat at eye at either of those today. But in 1968 in Saginaw, those were things to see, man. And why was my local downtown where circus characters all got work, I wonder.

My point is, I got up again and that gray bastard did the same thing all over, and now he’s wailing pitifully again in that squeaky Rose Auto Supply meow,

Photo on 3-12-18 at 8.18 AM #2.jpgand he can go fuck his own sleek self, is what he can do.

In case you wondered about my weekend, and who doesn’t. “I’d LIKE to begin work, but I just wonder what June did this weekend.” In case you wondered, I had a little personal challenge this weekend.

yuuu DID?

As you know, from having your finger on the pulse of June and all her events, I lost my ATM card last Friday due to whiskey sours that were FORCED down my throat, and I had to order a new one. ATM card, not throat.

At some point last week, I drove to the bank and wrote a check to Cash like it was 1969. I took out a hundred dollars, bought exactly $80 worth of groceries (I did that thing where I added up groceries as I threw them in the cart, and then knowing my maths worried that I’d get up there and be told, “That will be $467.48, please”) and then spent another 14 on god knows what, and the point is, I got busy Friday and forgot to go back to the bank.

So with $6, no ATM card and not even the ability to order movies and shows (because debit card locked), I couldn’t go anywhere or watch anything, you know what I did?

I watched Hot & Flashy videos. Do you know this woman? She’s our age, and she looks fekking amazing, and she tells you in great detail how she does it. For example, she has 11 cleansing/anti-aging steps each day.

She is my hero. And I’m champing at the bit to buy all her products, but see card, frozen. This is probably good, cause I mighta binged otherwise.

I see it’s already NINE FUCKING O’CLOCK and who set the TIMES forward, so I’d better go to work.

Chilled and not-that-flashily,

Published by


At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

24 thoughts on “June is generally cranky.”

  1. Ha! A magic spell switched their voices!

    June, I was there late because of a dental checkup (Look, Ma—no cavities!), then left because all the other kids in my dept were leaving. I saw your car crouched under a hump of snow as I cravenly drove away. I guess I should have checked with you first. I mean, I hope you weren’t reading 6 copy editors’ worth of copy.


  2. I agree – today’s weather plus the loss of the hour meant a sucky Monday!

    I had to laugh about your description about the big guy with the falsetto. At our local McDonald’s when you go to the drive through sometimes this VERY DEEP voice is manning the microphone. The first time I went through, I expected some big burly guy at the window. But no…it was this scrawny, teenage kid. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud.


  3. June, do you find the snow less annoying than the rain? (Wait, I think now it’s rain again.) Did Edsel look out the window, heave a sigh, and resign himself to putting on another pound?


  4. Yes, Angie from Hot and Flashy is riveting. She does not miss a beat when the phone rings or the dog wanders by, either. Also, too, I live in south Georgia and one year we had a blizzard at this time of year. Lost power for a long time and thank goodness we have a wood-burning fireplace or it would have been very sad.


  5. Gorgeous weather here the last couple days, in the low 70s. Tomorrow it starts raining for the rest of the week. Yesterday kicked my butt, too. The time change has never bothered me before because I used to get up so early, even earlier than I do now.


  6. Patty-and-Selma-meowing! And thanks for the mental image (after you got under Laila Ali the first time–Oooooo!) of SD pushing a mower. Wish I had kitty lawn care.


  7. I have been watching her for a long time. I think I found her because we bought have droopy eyelids and hers have gotten so much better. But she turned me on to vitamin C and CoQ10, which I love. And I’m using Retin A. She can use it around her eyes and I can’t. But I use it in my neck and she can’t. Look at her earlier videos and you’ll see there’s a big difference. Granted she has upgraded to a better camera and lighting which help a shit ton but she does go outside to show makeup and she still look great.

    The weather is disgusting here. And I have to go in and out contstantly with the puppy so it is not pleasant at all. I hope we’re aren’t getting the snow too.


    1. She looks 10 years younger now than she did in her first video. I just bought (through June’s Amazon) the sleep wedge, but it will take YEARS for me to figure out how to sleep on my back.

      Does anyone here use one of those things? Do you put a regular pillow on top of the wedge?


  8. Early 70s, a rambling gray station wagon full of five kids age 1-11, none in car seats or seat belts cause duh, what were those? A frazzled single mom with a Pall Mall in one hand and the steering wheel in the other, pulling up into the full service gas station. Mom cranks down her window and says to the attendant, “Two bucks Ethyl, please.” Boy, my mom was really livin’ the dream.

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  9. I have never heard of this Hot & Flashy woman. Stampeding…..but not super stampeding-ly because this time change is kicking my butt.


  10. That SD is like one of my toddlers. We all know he can get out on his own anyway. I think he is asking you to please change the weather while you’re up opening the door.


  11. I have the loudest meowing cat ever!. It’ s not even meowing ! I don’t know what it is but it is loud and urgent !


  12. We are getting snow tonight in to tomorrow morning, possibly blizzard number three in two weeks. The last one was not a blizzard for us with tons of the white stuff, more like a few inches of slush. We had thunder snow at the end which is rare. The dogs were not amused.

    We go to Philadelphia tomorrow for a check up with my husband’s wonderful oncologist who is retiring in May. I hope we don’t have to reschedule due to the weather. His doc will be going to Africa where he volunteers teaching doctors there, don’t know if we’ll get back in with him. He is amazing and we wish him a long, wonderful retirement. This weather can suck it. They just got all the power back on in Pennsyvania in the Pocono mountains and other outlying areas.

    I am getting wrinkles on one side of forehead, the one where I had the cataract surgery done. WTF, man. I’m looking like a lopsided Grinch. I may have to resort to bangs eventually, which make me hot and misersble. Aging sucks.


  13. It’s cold and rainy in Atlanta. And I see it is also windy with all the movement of the trees. I do love the daylight savings time. When I was working I hated going to work in the dark, but hated even more coming home in the dark. Just leave us DST. My Oscar Snuggles, King of Tidewater had a little weep (TM Paula) type meow, as does my current bag of fur. On the other hand, Oscar’s sister, Sweet Pea did not. She was very vocal and loud.


  14. The condom of dog shots…HA!

    I had the weekend from hell thanks to a (now rare) migraine from hell that decided to ruin my birthday weekend. I’m going into a crazy busy work week feeling like crap but will have to put my game face on in addition to my big girl panties.
    It snowed here yesterday but didn’t hang around. Unfortunately the gloominess did.


  15. I think someone could get elected to office if they just ran on the platform of getting rid of Daylight Savings Time.


  16. I love Hot & Flashy!! Also love Dominique Sachse – also our age and gorgeous (she too loves the Botox and is not ashamed to talk about her fillers). When I’m at work, I fire up the ol’ Youtube and listen to videos while I’m working – makes the time go by faster.


  17. It’s snowing here in Tennessee already, and I assume that’s what is coming your way later. I’m starting to see sunshine now that it’s almost 8:30. Maybe that’ll happen for your weather in NC after the clouds and snow get finished.
    I love how you make the awful weather hilarious.


  18. I loved the picture of you, with your Laila Ali, sipping your coffee, while your dick of a cat tries to simultaneously to get the door open and get on your last nerve. The look on your face is priceless. And oh so pretty!


  19. Dodging the liver in advance and because I live to make you more cranky than the weather:

    It snowed in March in 2014. You’re welcome.


  20. OMG. We had this huge orange butch cat who suffered from cabin fever, so had to be an indoor/outdoor cat. He came home every day precisely at 6:15. Like he took the train. Or had a watch. And he had the most ridiculous little Just Jack meow. A little meep noise. Meanwhile, we also the tuxedo cat, that evil, mean, horrid cat that I adored, and he was built like a teeny wiry Asian gymnast, but had a howl on him that could raise the dead. And then the Siamese, which, well you all know about their big mouths. Mrs. Boss’s huge Maine Coon has a little meep noise, too, and thank God since he travels Jet Blue on the regular, in the cabin with the folks. I can’t even imagine bringing Albert on a plane. (A) He escapes his carrier (fucker can unzip it from the inside. I don’t even know how) and (B) he never shuts up even when he’s pleased with life. The entire passenger list of the plane would have me drawn and quartered upon landing.


    1. Oh, not me. I’d love it if a cat would escape on a plane. Especially a big fluffy one like Albert. I’d scoop him up and cover him with kisses until he was so annoyed he would willingly put himself back in the carrier.


  21. So, how’s the weather out there? Here it’s still dark as hell, so I haven’t a clue as to what we’ve got. Yesterday was fog. I hate this time of year. But your shoes are cute, though I’m not sure I’d wear them if it were raining. You do realize, of course that you are SD’s bitch?


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