World’s Worst Person Gets Her Nails Done

People at work have been talking about a new manicure procedure called SOS or S&M or whatever, and apparently it’s powder they dip your nails in to color them. Somehow this creates a manicure that keeps going for two weeks like a 17-year-old boy but allegedly isn’t as terrible for you as a gel manicure.

And that was the day June lost all her butch readers. And got arrested for pedophilia.

I remember one night, my high school boyfriend and I did it three times. THREE TIMES. I’m not talking 7 p.m., 1:00 in the morning and then at dawn. I’m talking, like, 8:00, 9:00 and then 10:00.

Hi, mom.


Anyway. Powder manicures are fun till you add the “gelous base,” and then it’s all “Where were you?” “Who was that guy I saw you talking to?”

Given that I like to spend my spare time playing basketball and helping others, I hadn’t yet experienced the excitement of powder nails, nails that have to take a powder, but seeing as that $100 I won on New Year’s Day was burning a hole in m’Kate Spade,

[Dear June: Be more basic. Love, Universe]

I decided to take myself out on the town and get one. A powder manicure. Keep up. No, I HAVEN’T taken Ritalin today. What? God.

So Friday after work, I headed out on the town, the manicure-choices town. I’d had a very deep talk with the receptionist at work about which nail place we like to go to. There are a hundred within a three-mile radius of work, and they all have “Nail” in the title.

“I don’t mind Glamor Nail, but Celebrity Nail seems kind of cliquish,” said the receptionist, who prefers a french manicure, whereas I always want something dark and mysterious, to match my exotic nature. With m’Kate Spade wallet.

The point is, she’s right. Any time I’ve ventured into Celebrity Nail, the owner is trés gregarious, and I feel like his claim to fame there is kibitzing jovially with the clientele. Whereas the place I usually frequent, and “usually frequent” is not at all annoyingly redundant.

What? God.

The place I usually frequent, Elegant Nail & Tan (Slogan: We don’t actually offer tanning) has a quiet, businesslike owner who isn’t that outgoing but gives the best massages ever during the pedicure process. I always pray I get him, but usually I get a small, rather angry woman named “Stephanie.” (Slogan: Not remotely really named Stephanie.)

The receptionist and I agreed the only reason we really ever step foot in Celebrity Nail is because it’s closest to work. It’s similar to the Chinese place I get takeout from. (Slogan: Not good, but so close by.)

And that is how I found myself walking into Celebrity Nail on Friday night, because traffic was irkedly snarlsome, and so was I, and I could not possibly have withstood traffic for the four more minutes it’d have taken me to get to Elegant Nail & Tan.

I really love that they don’t offer tanning. It’s like my favorite thing ever. IT’S IN YOUR TITLE, but tan schman. Does anyone tan anymore? I guess people spray tan. Elegant Nail & (Spray) Tan. There you go.

SO THERE I WAS–God, June–at Celebrity Nail, and as usual, the owner was loudly joking with a few customers. I mean, that’s nice and all, but if you’re not a regular there, you can feel a tad left out. I’d never really put a name to that feeling till the receptionist mentioned it. That happens to me a lot, actually.

“Any time I talk to her, I end up feeling bad about myself,” someone once said to me about a mutual acquaintance, and OH MY GOD was that true, and I’d just gone around feeling vaguely bad with that acquaintance and not really acknowledging it.

“This kung pao chicken takes like root beer,” my college roommate’s boyfriend once said to me, as we were eating at this place I went to at least once a week. GODDAMMIT. I hadn’t acknowledged it till he labeled it.

So there I was Friday, finally noticing that this place made me feel kind of bad, and also kind of annoyed. I come to the manicure place to read celebrity gossip, and choose nail colors like I’m making Sophie’s Choice, and to generally sit quietly, which for me is pretty much always my goal.

I go to work hoping to always sit quietly and concentrate. I get my hair done hoping I can sit quietly and have my tresses colored. I want restaurants to be quiet. Maybe I should just isolate more.

The point is, as the evening wore on and I…sat quietly with the manicurist I was given, who had a terrible cold and was spending an hour basically holding my hands, so that was relaxing. As we were over there being quiet, I began to notice one insider over at the popular table was being more…attention-grabbing than the others.

I tried to sort of turn in my chair and see her, but I couldn’t even determine her race. All I saw was a rather thick woman, with dark hair, who based on the tenor of her voice was probably middle-aged. As opposed to how young and svelte I am. BUT AT LEAST I WAS SITTING QUIETLY.

The first thing I couldn’t help but overhear, because she was practically screaming into my soul, was that Red Bull, the energy drink? She alleged it was made from bull sperm. She’d been reading something from the internet, that reliable source, says June, typing at you from the internet.

“WELL. IT’S NOT THE FIRST SPERM I’VE DRANK,” she announced grammatically. Everything was an announcement with this one. I expected, when I turned to look at her, that she would be just a mike and a brick wall behind her. Tip your wait staff.

She started talking about a guy at work who was “Chinese,” and the owner of the salon pressed her for more info. Was he actually Chinese, or was she using that term universally? “What’s his last name?” asked the owner.

“I DON’T KNOW. CHIN?” she asked. And that is about the time my annoyance turned to searing white hate.

“What do you feed your kids?” she eventually asked the owner, who had been joking with her the whole time. “Rice and soy sauce? HA HA HA HA.”

Cold Hands the Mucus-y Manicurist and I exchanged glances.

“You know, everyone at work loves my Asian accent,” she said, and that is when my blood turned to ice. No. No, she’s not gonna…

She did. In a NAIL SALON, with 600 Asian people working there, this stupid white BITCH ASS (I’m assuming she was white. Again, I never saw her. Though in my mind I’d punched her 12 times in her phantom face already) did an ASIAN ACCENT.

She did.

At the nail salon.

My nails turned out just okay. There are some spots that didn’t take the clear coating, and I’m not sure if this is how S&M nails always turn out, or if my poor manicurist was sick and perhaps distracted by the BITCH-ASS RACIST in the nail place.

I do have to say that eventually the outgoing owner said to her, “That’s so racist.”

“No it isn’t,” she said. Because that gets to be up to her, and not the ASIAN PERSON she just mocked.

Maybe they should have two sections at salons: Women who want to talk endlessly and loudly, and a quiet section. A nice-people section and a racist section. A nail section and a tanning section.

Maybe people should just shut the fuck up.


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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

51 thoughts on “World’s Worst Person Gets Her Nails Done”

  1. I know I’m late to this party but I’ve had the plague and then had to travel 47 million miles to not see my grandkids because see above plague. I wanted to say I too go to the nail salon, hair salon and generally every where to sit quietly or at least not listen to a racist asshat.

    I was at my local Elite Nails with No Tan when the owner was chatting up a client. It was right before Christmas and said client said to Vietnamese woman “Oh that’s right you people don’t celebrate Christmas.” MY BRAIN WAS SCREAMIN WTF LADY? YOU PEOPLE? Pam, the nail salon owner and not remotely her real name, replied “LADY, I am Vietnamese not Jewish.” I fell out of my messaging chair right into the foot bath.


  2. I am amazed that there are people out there who say things like that! Like, do you listen to yourself? Well, I guess she does, and it doesn’t sound bad to her. It would have been epic if the owner of the salon or the pedicurist then did an imitation of a bitchy racist white lady who announces everything and over dramatizes, just for her.

    I go to one particular person in my nail place, because I like the way she does my nails, and I just make a running appt. every 2 weeks with her. I really like all the people who work there, but the owner (a man) is not particularly pleasant to anyone. I want to tell him that he’s lucky I really like the people who work there, because his lousy attitude does not bring me back there!

    I too want to have peace when I’m getting a manicure or pedicure. The biggest thing that irks me is kids running around the nail place, screaming at the top of their lungs or climbing on chairs or playing in the pedicure bowls. The worst part is that the screaming, runny kids are frequently the 3 boys of the daughter-in-law (who also does nails) of the owner. The owner’s son manages the place and his wife works there, so their boys are there after school, I guess. Please do not subject us to your loud children while we’re paying top dollar to get our nails done.


  3. A farmer sells quail eggs to the employees at my nail salon. A customer said in front of God and everyone, “Please tell me you people don’t actually eat those things!” I wanted them to kick her out so bad! People are horrible!


  4. I have reached the age where I just speak my mind, and I don’t care what people think of me. I don’t know if that means I have achieved a degree of freedom from concerns about people liking me, or if I am going senile. Either way, I like it.

    The other day, my neighbor put his non-recyclable garbage in our recycle garbage can. I could have let it go, but instead I knocked on his door and told him never to do it again. 10 years ago, I never would have done that.

    I am lucky to live in a very liberal area of the country. I’m not dumb enough to think racism doesn’t exist here, but I am pretty sure if anyone pulled that at a salon around here, OPI bottles would be assaulting that woman from every angle.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just WOW. What a clueless idiot.

    I’m also the person forever hoping for quiet and lack of disruption. And, I must say? It’s hard to find most times.


    Miss you!


  6. Also apropos of nothing, I had a mammogram today and my newly-renovated place now has Famous People Lockers. Exciting!
    Was Audrey Hepburn. After LONG TIME of sitting in the changing area ALONE (no other patients today!) Audrey had to get a little pushy with the staff.


  7. What an ass that lady was.

    I can’t go to nail salons because I always feel like I have to make small talk (small-talk?) and I just can’t do it. Too stressful.

    Lovely post, Coot.


  8. That is a terrible story, but all I could focus on at first was the “access powder.” Thank goodness Lisa also spotted it!


  9. Now terrible. It is unbelievable that the owner allowed his employees to be insulted, not to mention that your manicure was not pleasant and relaxing. I suspect other patrons were just as furious and uncomfortable. As a true southerner I would not have said anything to the owner, but I would never take my business to that salon again and I would spread the word not to use that salon. I’ve never had a manicure and all these horror stories are not encouraging me to ever have one.


    1. Well, let’s not punish the salon owner because of a bad customer, eh? It’s the south. Minorities aren’t exactly championed when they speak out against being spoken to this way. If anything, other customers should have said something to her.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m not sure I would punish a business because the minority owner didn’t handle a boisterous racist properly. I think the power differential there is clear. There is so much happening – the minority owner could stand up to the boisterous racist (from herein referred to as “bitch”, I mean “BR”!), and then faced retaliation which would cause employees a larger loss of income or total loss.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Well, I am assuming that the owner was of the same race as the other workers in the salon, and therefore he was a victim of her assault. I go back to my original comment – this here is the south. People get shot for shit like that. Yes, still. Yes, really.


  10. Ohhh man. I don’t know exactly how that would have ended had I been in your shoes, but I feel like a bail bondsman would have been involved. What an unbelievable douche canoe. You know, I live in the south too, and I still can’t believe the number of people like that who carry on, loudly, thinking themselves hilarious, completely oblivious to their own inherent shittiness. Honestly, I probably would have popped off at her. You have far more self-restraint than I.


  11. Not only was she unbelievably rude and hurtful to the employees, she ruined your supposedly relaxing manicure. I bet next time, you’ll sit in traffic for the extra four minutes. Traffic couldn’t have been nearly as unsettling that nut-job.


  12. I get embarrassed for them! Which irritates me even more but I can not stop myself. I feel the need to apologize. I do manger to squelch those.


  13. My last pedicure I was seated next to a talker. Not a listener, she only talked non-stop. She asked the pedicurist to remove her ingrown toenail and then screamed, like SCREAMED, LOUDLY and WITH EMPHASIS every time the woman tried to remove it. Then she broke into loud snotty sobbing. Did that for 20 minutes. Finally the owner came over and told her they would not work on her nails any more and to go to see a doctor about it. And to not come back until it was fixed and she could silently sit and get her nails done. We were all just about cheering at that point. Why do some people insist on carrying around so much drama with them?


  14. I hate assholes like that lady. HATE. I’m sorry your relaxing manicure got ruined by her.

    As another mani/pedi story for you, I once had a Hot Dog Incident. As back story, no one can possibly hate hot dogs as much as I do. I went for a mani/pedi and the owner’s little kids came walking in with one of the employees after a trip to the other end of the shopping center to the grocery store. The two kids, three employees, and the owner proceeded to open a package of hot dogs and start eating them straight out of the package cold. OMG, I was about to hurl. Then the two little kids and one employee just walked around with a cold, disgusting hot dog hanging out of their mouths like my grandmother used to do with her Virginia Slim cigarettes back in the 70s. The little girl would stop in front of me and just stare with the hot dog just barely hanging on her lip. Then she’d walk away. Then turn around, stop in front of me and stare again. I thought I was going to die from the grossness.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Laughing so hard, tears are coming out of my eyes!! Oh lawzy. Can not wait to read this story to husband.


  15. I don’t have my nails done, so I can’t add any salon stories, but the part about the person who made you feel bad each time you ran into her? I had that same experience. Luckily I don’t have to run into this person really anymore, but that was the most accurate description for what happened.every.time. I wonder if those types actually know they’re doing it?


  16. Whadda douche bag. I used to go to a place called Elegant Nails and Tan. I quit going after I retired. The owner always did my nails, and she hurt me every time. It took me years to realize I didn’t have to put up with that. Once in a while I’d get just a polish at another salon where the owner was always smiling, laughing and happy. AND he went around the shop singing opera. I saw the place the other day, and apparently it’s changed hands. (Ha! See what I did there?)


  17. What a dick. I’ve taken to wearing earphones. Not that I may be listening to anything brilliant but it limits the “talk to me vibe”.


  18. Dollars to donuts that rude racist loud woman just moved there from Beverly’s area. Sounds just like the sort of person she runs in to.
    What an asshole. I bet her ears are burning today.


  19. Also – and God would I just shut myself up! – I realize this takes planning ahead, but my favorite place requires an appointment (I mean, you can walk in without one, but good luck) so when I call I ask for a day that my favorite pedicure person will be there and request him. He gives great leg. haha! (Yeah, they never laugh either.) He does good nail work, too, but that leg massage…


  20. I see my “Why Would Santa Need to Be Black” nail salon partner travels. Have Racism Will Travel.

    The salon I frequently frequent has “silence please” signs in the pedicure room. And it’s silent. So beautiful. AND they have removed people who do not obey the SILENCE PLEASE signs. Kicked them square out. One idiot brought her 8 year old son and his BEEPBEEPBEEP handheld game and carried on her loud phone conversation – excuse me FACETIME conversation. Like I want your dumb ass family to see me getting my nails done. Out she went when she refused to shut the hell up. The rest of us cheered. Silently of course.

    You are so pretty June! So so pretty!


  21. I don’t think I could have sat through that, either. It INFURIATES me when people want to argue their f**king racism, as if someone in a marginalized group can’t f**king tell when they’re confronting said racism. Ugh…..sorry, this has been a bad day and just thinking about assholes like that is only making me angrier.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. HOLY GOD. Or should I say HOLY BUDDAH? What an unbelievable asshole. I can’t even. I get my nails done at a friend’s house (she used to work in a salon, we became friends, she left the salon and does nails at home, probably illegally. it’s a pain in the ass because she’s 30 miles away [i moved. wait. you moved?] but she’s worth it. not to mention her stories.) but I get my pedicures locally, at Elegant Nail. (As if.) I can’t imagine anyone behaving so badly. Am officially peeved now.


  23. Oh, my god. I don’t know if I could have sat through that.

    Not to mention that you had a manicure RUINED, and you couldn’t even get your money back. She should have had to pay for your poor experience. Holy cats.

    I was thinking the other day…about facebook…and how people there just think it is okay to be complete dicks because it is their opinion. They don’t care if what they are composing is offensive to others–and because I thought they were kind people before the facebook thing, they clearly don’t go around SAYING offensive things out loud–but they are not kind people. I kind of thought that it was the courage of the screen, you know? But this blows that theory out of the water. People are just dicks.

    Sorry you had to sit through that.

    Still…lovely story telling, June!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. People like that deserve a BIG high-five.

    In the face. With a chair. Or, barring that (some chairs are heavy), a fist.


  25. I hate people who claim they are not being racist when what they are saying is “true”. Are you listening Mom and Husband? Nail Salons can be very annoying. Why is that? Maybe it’s me, but it seems like it is never a fun experience. Getting my nails done has become kind of like a job. I’m feeling kind of grumpy this morning, can you tell?


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