Because Prosecco

IMG_E3062.JPGHey, June, why so destined for hell?

So Christmastime is here, as the Peanuts would say high-pitchedly, and here’s what I’ve done thus far…

Yesterday, I got this urge to clean the house. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m pregnant and nesting or something miraculous like that. Maybe I’m about to give birth in a manger. The point is, I laundered and dusted and cleaned all fekking afternoon, and there I was, mopping myself into a corner, as I do, when the doorbell rang.

“WOO WOO WOO WOOOO WOOF!” said Edsel, who really has a limited vocabulary.

I literally had no way to get to the door without screwing up the mopping. “Who is it?” I shouted, the way Laverne and Shirley used to while they held their baseball bats.

“It’s Happy,” said Happy, who is a faithful reader and who somehow knows where I live, I forget how. I wish now that’d I’d thought to eat her, as then I could tell you she was my Happy Meal.

“Hang on!” I said, then mince mince minced over the chair and the still-drying floors to the door, which to tell you the truth now that they’re dry don’t really look any different. My wood floors don’t really shine anymore, and hey, Stepford Wife. Nice concerns.

IMG_3074.JPGThe point is, Happy feeds and takes in feral cats, and this one is living in her laundry room at the moment, and she wondered if Ned would want this cat, who looks like NedKitty if NedKitty had dipped her tail in ink.

I SO THINK HE SHOULD. And certainly this personal decision should be mine and not his. Anyway I texted the photo and he hasn’t said either way, which will stun everyone who knows Ned and his lightning-fast decisions.

IMG_E3076.JPGHappy also gave me this jaguar of color, because it reminded her of Steely Dan, and lemme tell you what. Every time I see that thing out the corner of my eye, I think it’s Steely Dan.

IMG_3136.jpgAnd the reason I keep seeing it out the corner of my eye is Dear Happy: I am sorry to tell you that Edsel is obsessed with Jaguar of Color. Obsessed. Like, he slept with it last night. Obsessed. I think you got Edsel a gift, after all.

IMG_3071.jpgAnyway, as the day drew to a close, I left Dickus Americanus, up there, during the .0007 seconds she sleeps a day, and stampeded over to my coworker Austin’s house, as he invited me to a little gathering at his house. Yes, I realize I just told you my coworkers don’t like me, but he resides in the minority. He’s like someone who voted for McGovern or something.

IMG_3083.jpgNot wanting to break our record, I put on my next Chubby Stick color beforehand, in  Mighty Mimosa, which is dumb because mimosas are orange, but I do have to say I enjoy me a mimosa, because getting drunk at breakfast is the way to go.

IMG_3085.jpgI also wore my ridik coursage that Ned’s stepmother gave me years ago, a corsage I adore but that I can’t pin on right, so as soon as I got to Austin’s it fell off and I stuck everyone with m’wayward pins like they were all my voodoo dolls.

IMG_E3088.JPGI like Austin’s friends. This is the guy who also likes old pictures of people he doesn’t know. His wife and I got into a very deep discussion about Highlights Magazine, and she expressed her disdain for The Timbertoes (“I don’t know what they are, and I don’t know what their message is”) and right then I knew, I loved her with all my heart.


Because she’s right. Why are they wooden? Why are they 1800s-looking? WHO THE FUCK ARE THE TIMBERTOES AND WHAT DO THEY WANT WITH US?

“You only ever find Highlights Magazine at the doctor’s,” she pointed out. “And that one Bible Book, which I read once as a kid, not realizing the stories would all have morals,” she said. Then she went on to imitate for me the drawings inside that book, doing a fine imitation of everyone at the crucial moment when they readjust their moral compass, which apparently happens in every story.


“Oh my god, that book is ALWAYS THERE at the doctor’s and I never once picked it up,” I said to her. “It’s like those strawberry candies, where the wrapper looks like a strawberry? I sort of know its there, but I also barely even acknowledge it exists.”

There was another woman at the party who, when I asked how she knew Austin and his wife, told me how she was new to town and desperate to make friends, so after a few perfunctory meetings with Austin’s wife, she one day chased after Austin’s wife’s car with a post card, which she eagerly slammed onto the window.

“It had every possible detail,” Austin’s wife told me. “Her shoe size, her kids’ ages, everything.”

At the end of the night, when I was leaving, that same woman came up to me. “I wanted to slam a post card at you but I don’t have any,” she said, and we exchanged numbers and kissed.

Austin’s party gets hot. The real housewives of Greensboro.

IMG_3096.jpgSpeaking of hot, Austin had a fire on his TV, despite actually having a, you know, fireplace. “This is better than a real fire,” said Austin. “It got 5 stars on Netflix.”

This lead us all to want to see a 1-star fire, which we figured would be one guy trying over and over to light wet wood, and eventually just tossing in and burning a Solo cup.

IMG_3102.jpgAustin’s dog continues to be perhaps unhealthily obsessed with Austin, although she did, oddly, give me the time of day, which is rare.

fuk yuu, laydeee. you fekkin timber tow.

IMG_E3109.jpgI also took time out of my busy schedule to admire Austin’s kitchen wallpaper, as I always do, and I see the Prosecco had set in at this point, because nice focusing. Austin and I spent about 45 minutes discussing the use of typography on said wallpaper, and would we, as a designer and a copy editor, have been okay with those equals signs, and the cursive/all caps fiasco, and the fact that there is clearly an extra space before “drops,” till finally I announced, “We are the two most boring people in the world.”

You really are, June.

This is another friend of Austin’s, who I threatened to put in my blog last night, but I forget why. Because Prosecco. He’s the husband of Post Card Wife.

Anyway, I see I have droned on about Xmas Eve for too long, kind of like my stay at the Prosecco table last night, and I don’t have time to describe Christmas and this has instead become all about Eve, and I would take credit for that joke but really The Poet made that one up, and damn her and her writing awards.

Hey, June, is ensuring good sentence structure part of your job? Because, job. Well done.

IMG_3185I’ll talk to you tomorrow, when I will describe my not-at-all-chaotic Christmas with a Kitten, volume 3949294. ‘Tis not my first Xmas with a kitten. Probably won’t be my last. That doesn’t mean it’s never a pain in the Prosecco, though.

Yule see me later.


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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

61 thoughts on “Because Prosecco”

  1. SD and Dickus Americanus have clearly joined Kitty Fight Club!!

    I usually try not to give my opinion unless somebody asks for it, because to each his own, but I think Ned should TOTALLY adopt white kitty/ink tail.

    Glad you had a fun Christmas Eve!


  2. I’m picturing Edz having the best bud relationship with Jaguar Steely Dan than he wants with real SD, where they have adventures & spoon, but no funny business unless agreed upon by both parties. This theory will be shot if you catch him humping JSD.


  3. Wow. Mother’s best friend (me) did leave a mixed up message. Thanks to the person who tried to translate it. I absolutely noticed Austin. How could you not? I may be mixed up but I am not dead. Also, Jesus working on his abs.


  4. Don’t forget to use your Christmas bucks by going through June’s link below blog comments, if you are going Amazon that is. As a thank you .


  5. Nice post, june. How could anyone have not known that is austin?! Love seeing steely dan play with jodie. Hope you had a good christmas day.


  6. I thought the picture of the white cat was NedKitty when I first saw it. I hope Ned takes him/her but would understand if he isn’t ready.

    Glad to hear you had a happy Christmas Eve, Coot.

    Cheers to Dec 26th and Christmas being over!


  7. The Baby Jesus doing ab crunches on a bale of hay made me giggle. So did the 1-star fire!
    We have one of those voice remotes where you can speak your commands. Yesterday we said “yule log” but what we got was puppies in Santa hats playing with presents. Awesome (!) and we were highly distracted. Someone would be mid-sentence in a story and then “Awww, the puppy’s climbing on the box!” or whatever.


  8. I wonder if Steely D would stick around more if Jodie Foster became a permanent member of the family. He sure does seem to enjoy her! Lovely Christmas eve, Coot. We spent The Eve with a person who has been friends with my husband since they were nine. It was pretty fun to be there with him and his family and his kids and our kids. The circle of life, you know?


  9. You DO look good in every color! I like this Mighty Mimosa color. We hacoa mimosa in our yard as kids. I liked to hang upside down from a branch by the back my knees. I was quite the crazy dare devil once upon a time.
    I also want your antler necklace. Very chic, understated and I would wear it outside of the holidays too.
    Great post, glad things worked out better than expected.
    That old timey kitchen wallpaper brings back grandparent memories for me as well.


  10. This sounds like a lovely party. I love the visual of the postcard lady hurling post cards at people!

    Happy December 26th everyone! We made it!

    Lovely post, lovely June!


  11. Merry Christmas June. Can I jump on the Austin bandwagon? Or just on Austin for that matter? Glad to hear you had a nice Christmas Eve. I was thinking about you. You really look so pretty.


  12. Sounds like a wonderful evening with lovely people June!

    And I guess, if nothing else, today is behind us for another year. And really, it was kind of fun!

    Merry Christmas everyone!


  13. I too wanted to ask about Out Of Focus guy.

    Lovely white kitty. Please let us know if Ned adopts her.

    You look great in the tangerine lipstick, jacket, and corsage. Merry Christmas June and Readers.


              1. It’s a Christmas miracle!

                I never picked up that book at the doctor’s office either. I always went for the hidden pictures.


      1. Really? He almost looked like a blurry image of a hot Xmas Angel appearing mysteriously in the background.

        **I looked twice. My thoughts were naughty, with a big “NICE”, not a soul was storing in the house, not even a mouse.”…. hmm I really messed up on my version of that Xmas poem.


  14. Oh Lord! The Timbertoes. I haven’t thought about them for years. I preferred them over Gallant and Goofus. (G&G were even weirder than the Timbertoes.)

    I love the wallpaper. My grandma had that same wallpaper in her kitchen. Good memories!

    Thanks for posting today.


  15. As usual, I’m late to the party here. Glad you had such a merry Christmas Eve and anxiously awaiting details of Christmas Day. I, too, consumed Prosecco…probably too much. Love your orange coat and can’t get enough photos of JF.


  16. Merry Christmas, June.

    I loved this post. “Yule see me later” made my laugh for real. Not the fake “hahaha I am laughing so hard” but barely cracking a smile.


  17. I have to say I LOVE that antler necklace … I would wear that all the time!!

    So glad you had a nice Christmas Eve … Jim and I were thinking of you today!


  18. Yay!!!! A post! That orange coat is gorgeous! And white kitty with ink tail is so cute but then so are all the petses in this post. I think it’s cool Austin left all the vintage wallpaper up in his kitchen and his friends seem cool, fun and funny. Austin’s friend’s wife sounds like one of us and the fake fire in the tv discussion made me smile.

    Lovely lovely post, Joob. You’re so pretty!


  19. Here’s why your website/blog is awesome. The good and the bad are both there. You’re funny and insightful during each, but you don’t pretend that only one or the other exists.
    I realize there are details you don’t share, but the human-ness is very apparent. Merry Christmas June!


  20. Not sure who the guy is in front of the stove not quite in focus…but dayum, can I have him?

    Also, those bible books? My aunt Paula was involved with. Writing, editing, or something.

    Work tomorrow bitches. Ho ho ho.


    1. zzzzzomg (said in the MOST annoying fashion.) That is why I actually read the comments, to see if anyone noticed how absolutely hot that guy is AND HE’S NOT EVEN FULLY IN FOCUS. Mother of Pearl!


  21. Lovely. Post Coot.

    I hung out with the dog and the kids at the Christmas party.

    On the other side though my mother from my other mother bought me the BEST Christmas present EVER!. When I was a kid I wanted a princess phone. My step-sister had a princess phone. I told her Mom always liked her best to which she heartily agreed. She bought me a red princess phone. A REAL ONE! It weighs a ton. She is now officially my favorite sister.


  22. Merry Christmas!

    That picture of you in your orange coat and corsage is my all time favorite picture of you! Glad you had fun. I’ve looked at that wallpaper in previous posts and thought those same things.


  23. You look beautiful, that coat is a perfect color for you. Nice lipstick color today. Sounds like you had a nice Christmas Eve. Looks like SD and Jodie are having a ton of fun. That look on Edsel’s face.


  24. Oh looky, a Christmas gift from June. Thank you ever so much.
    I only have my appreciation to give to you.
    Better than feeding ’em snowballs
    Well though , mimosa tree flowers are a hot pink and I don’t think I’d drink them.
    Steely and Ms. Foster , cutie cute cute cute.


  25. Merry Christmas, June!
    I was so happy to see a post today…it gave me a little time to myself to smile.
    Anyone want a family? They come complete with gifts they don’t like and food they won’t eat! I’ll even pay shipping!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is hilarious Yet another Lori.
      But, I think the problem is there are millions of them out there today.Makes ’em hard to get rid of/


    2. THIS is exactly why I stopped giving gifts years ago and just give money, it is the right color and size. Also, too, the picky eaters, I just fix what I like, the heck with em.

      Liked by 1 person

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