Cream. Get on top. Cream.

Three entire days of a holiday weekend. Twenty thousand climbs up m’stepstool. Five trips to the paint store. Nineteen inappropriate advances made on young paint salesboy.


IMG_0089.JPGMy back room looks the same.

Yes, I DO realize I need to fix that chair. IT’S ON MY LIST, OKAY? It’s on m’list. Meanwhile, makes a great scratching post.

Every time I come back here, I fall all over myself giggling at how it looks the same.

IMG_0090.JPGBut you’re not HERE (are you?), so you don’t SEE that this room is, okay, THE SAME COLOR and it’s still KIND OF BEIGE, okay? It’s






but it’s fresher. It’s Freshen Up Gum, man. If Freshen Up had a new beige flavor.

I mean, I tried yellow back there, but from the blue living room, looking through the brown dining room, I was all, DO I LIVE IN THE BIG TOP? And then I LOVED the green, but it clashed with the floor, so the cute salesman and I agreed on the cream, and trust me, that salesman. I’d have agreed to a Dirty Sanchez. So.

Hey, mom.

I put that cover on the dresser, by the way, because the cats did nothing but lounge on it all weekend, and also sleep in the drawers,IMG_9981.jpg

so I left it there for safety for now, but I plan to get something smaller and prettier, and that also goes for my ass. In fact–and do you ever do this?–I thought, oooooo, my futon cover from 1992 would be PERFECT there. And that also goes for my ass.

6a00e54f9367fb8834010536bedadd970c-800wiAnd I love how IN MY MIND, I still have that 1992 Seattle futon cover folded up just somewhere. I always love love loved that cover. I purchased it at Urban Outfitters. It was so 20/60s Art Deco, even though Urban Outfitters was neither. Horkie loved it too, although there he seems to be giving it the cold haunch.

Speaking of always having gray cats, yesterday was my one-year anniversary of owning–and I use that term loosely–Steely Dan.

We celebrated it by me saying, “Happy kitty anniversary, sweet kitty muffin tin!” and by him ignoring me. So.

And also this weekend, while I was obsessively changing my back room into the same room it had always been, I was in the hallway. Perhaps this was while I was waiting for a coat of the exotic new paint color to dry. I thought again how much I hate the beige wallpaper in the hall. There’s just one half a wall that inexplicably has a strip of beige wallpaper on it that exactly matches the beige paint on the rest of the hall. It matches my back room. …Heh.

Anyway, right then I got inspired to RIP OFF that wallpaper, maybe eventually paint my hallway Quietude, the same green I love that I am going to paint the spare room instead of the back room, because it was important the back room stay exactly the same.

Honest to god. It looks exactly the same back here, just fresher. It’s like my back room got really good Botox. Has my back room lost weight? Did my back room go on vacation?

Say “back room” one more time.

So I ripped off that wallpaper (“Are you having some kind of manic episode?” my mother asked me).

And here’s what happened.


WHAT THE HELL, even? So now Alf has to come, and I have to spend eleven thousand dollars and have him prime and sand and Alf the wall, and fix the, PARTICLE BOARD or whatever the fuck. I knew–I KNEW!!–that in the olden days, when you walked into my house, you used to be able to see the bathroom from the front door, which is what you want in all your finer homes, so I guess I shoulda known this wouldn’t be a real wall, here.

I wasn’t thinking. Which could maybe be my epitaph.

Born to lie on a pastel doily

So that was my weekend, and approximately 72 people mentioned on Facebook this weekend that they hoped things went well with Edsel’s new trainer, and that they hoped the trainer taught Edsel not to be a psychopath, and that they hoped to hear about the trainer, and also, trainer.

But the problem is, we had a two-hour appointment Friday afternoon to go to the park and walk around the other dogs, a thing that did not at all make me break out in 70 cold sweats of PTSD at all, and an hour before the appointment, we started having a thunderstorm with the lightning and so forth, so now she’s returning next week.

Meanwhile, Edsel and I are having extremely rousing games of fetch Blu in the back yard, in order to exhaust him, and he seems to fekking love that, but I also know he’s jonesing to walk and frankly so am I, as I loved our walks, but now of course I’m also terrified to walk with him ever again. So therein lies our conundrum.

IMG_0086.JPGMy pineapple hair and I will talk to you later. Tis what I do to keep the curls afloat in the night. It’s an insane-hair-woman thing. Also, my skin is not filthy–it’s 16 layers of night cream. It’s an ancient-crone-woman thing. Is “crone woman” redundant? I guess it is.

Okay, talk at you. Let me know if you want to hire me to come paint any of your rooms exactly the same colors they already were.



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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

34 thoughts on “Cream. Get on top. Cream.”

  1. My grandparents had those dog paintings hanging in their (hospital-green) basement my whole life!! That just gave me all kinds of heart-pangs.


  2. So what if it’s the same color it looks better. Now I realize every room in our house needs to be freshened up. The difference is that I like the colors they are, so I choose not to do it. I’m also on limited funds so everything will continue to be drab. Shit!
    There must be something about September 4th. That’s the birthday of my dogs, sorry about the cross species relation. It the special circumstances. I’m so pathetic that I remember my pets birthday.
    As for the hole in your wall, I’m surprised you didn’t think of spackle and a spackle knife. You can cover anything with spackle. It may take a couple of coats judging by the depth of the hole. Get with it. It’s not like it’s going to take a lot of your time.


  3. I don’t know if this is helpful, but if you think the room you just painted is boring you could paint the window trim (outside only) a color. My friend did hers burnt orange in her white kitchen and it. is. fab.


  4. I think the back room looks very clean with the beige. But like JP, I’m a big cream/beige/off-white/oyster wall lover.

    My ex and I steamed paper off every room in our old house. The ceilings were 10′, so it was lots of paper. Layers and layers of it. We did get very good at it. Those walls were plaster with lathe and horsehair and I got very good at repairing wall holes. Kind of like MacGyver: give me a sheet, some plaster, perhaps some toothpaste, and a plaster trowel and I could fix up a small or huge hole, good as new! I could paper a small room by myself in an evening. I was a whole lot younger then. Now, I don’t even feel like painting when I could pay somebody else to do it.


  5. The room looks great! Truly.
    And, it’s only with thanks to you, that I even know about pineapple hair! I have started pineappling my hair at night – but can’t quite get it to work out the next day – so I still have to start from scratch with it BUT the pineapple keeps the hair out of my face while I sleep – so it works for me.


    1. Good luck, Sandra. Thinking about all the Florida peeps along with my family and friends in Florida. Go away, Irma.


  6. I love the cream and it let’s the floor be the star. Not advice, but I have learned that covering chairs with outdoor fabric seems to deter our cats from scratching. That, and a hideous scratching post next to said chairs.


  7. The new paint looks great. It matches the floor really well and I knew Paula would approve. Actually, the cream looks really good with the white trim. Your hallway is the very reason I have not attempted to remove the wallpaper from my bathroom. That is my greatest fear, ripped walls. I really would love to have grasscloth in the bathroom, but look at your hallway.

    Happy anniversary to SD, I can’t believe it has been a year. It’s hard to remember him that small, he is such a grand cat.


  8. The room looks great. I love a white(ish) room. And the nice thing is that with all those windows, should you ever get a burr up your butt, you can paint it something dark, like Hale’s Navy, and it would still look bright and cheery in there and work well with the floor. Sorry about the wallpaper sitch. I tried taking off wallpaper at my old house, and realized that unless I was 10 feet tall and owned one of those wallpaper-remover-steamer things, it would never come off the right way.

    Currently using Swiss Army Performing Extract on my neck. Now, not only do I have my grandmother’s neck, but I smell like her, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wallpaper is the Devil’s design. We managed to destroy a bedroom and two bathrooms taking it off the walls. And we put it up so I know it was done correctly. I just think the wallboard is so cheap now that it just absorbs the glue and becomes one with the paper. I will never wallpaper again.

    Your paint job looks beautiful! So fresh and pretty! We’re getting ready to “paint” (by which I mean open the door for the painters) our entire second floor – choosing just the right shade of gray has been excruciating!


  10. I can remember steaming and scraping wallpaper off walls back in the seventies. It was a sweaty, beastly job. I was a kid but we helped. Then came sanitas, which was easily removable. My father was very good at paperhanging, he did it on the side and eventually did it full time for several.years. We always had the sample books around. Our entire house had fresh wallpaper. It worked well on the old plaster walls in those old rowhomes. I like it but we only have wallpaper in our master bedroom.
    The cream paint does look good. Looking forward to seeing the Quietude in the hall and spare bedroom.


  11. The paint goes so well with the floors! Have you seen or heard of this mud-like paint that you can smear on the hallway in various directions for a dimensional effect??? Ask the boy toy about it. That would cover your boo-boo and save on repairs?


  12. The back room looks terrific, same color or not. And the wall color makes the floors pop. Is pop the correct decorator’s term? Either way, it’s what my family says.

    As for the new abstract-look to your hallway, you can pretend you meant it to look that way.


  13. As we all know, I am a big fan of The Beige. The Cream. The Off-White. It’s versatile and always looks crisp. So I approve of your back room.

    In a move that will shock exactly nobody, I spent part of my long weekend swapping out bed sets, bathroom sets and various curtains. I did NOT swap out the living room and dining room drapes because I never swapped in the summer drapes this year. (I need my daughter’s help with those and I finally gave up reminding her … only then I kept reminding her that I wasn’t reminding her anymore and just kept the heavier drapes up all summer. So I still managed to be annoying and besides, I really like the heavier drapes better than the sheers anyway.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I read that as, “I really like the heavier drapes better than the sheets anyway.” I thought perhaps your summer drapes were sheets.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My summer drapes are sheets. Over windows with the frames torn off. Because of how the cute girl at the Home Deepot said the windows we ordered would be here about 3 weeks earlier than they are going to be here.


  14. a fresh coat of paint is still refreshing….. I’d still paint that door, though. Bc I am annoying and think it should be a fun color. But I don’t live in your brain, or your house, so WTH do I know?

    I do love what appears to be great light in that room. How lucky are you that you don’t need curtains there, and can take all the light in?


  15. I, too, think your room looks fabulous. It’s so much brighter. Like a brand new room.

    I’ve had paint samples on my third bedroom wall for about 16 months now. One day I will decide on a color and paint. But not yet. It’s too soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Also I think you should all know that I read the Shady post yesterday and then all day had Eminem as an earworm.
    Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up. Please stand up.
    I’m sharing, and I can feel how grateful you all are.


  17. I can’t believe Steely Dan has owned you for a whole year already!
    Your back room looks so nice. I love the dresser there. Did you paint all the trim work, too? That is a beast of a job. A beast of burden. It’s fun to start the day with a little Rolling Stones, yes?
    Lovely post, June. Lovely weekend painting!


  18. The room LOOKS great. Also, I just love your sofa. And finally, I love your Edsel boy. Lovely post, lovely June.


  19. I went to bed the other night with my face just like that and HH asked me, why is your face still wet? Men just don’t understand the rituals that women go through on a daily basis.
    You room does look refreshed. Just the right amount of Botox. Not all Micky Rourke.


  20. A few years ago I decided I didn’t want Oyster Shell on my kitchen walls any more. I wanted something else. I spent half the day going back and forth to the paint store picking colors and buying little samples. Finally, FINALLY! I picked the perfect color. Got home, started painting and well, it didn’t look different???? So, I looked at the label on top of the can and, you guessed it. Oyster Shell. So, I agree, it looks fresher!


  21. Nobody puts up wallpaper correctly anymore. It (should) come off without ripping off all the drywall. In our old house my poor husband got quite good at removing wallpaper and then reconstructing the ENTIRE wall. Thanks People Who Lived There Before We Did!


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