Grace Kelly Bluebook

Late last week, I finished a freelance project, and now tonight I’m going to get another big one, which is what she said.

So, last night, after a long day in seventh grade, apparently, I celebrated my last night of freedom by going to the movies. I really know how to throw down.

Me at the movies

I saw To Catch a Thief, with my lookalike Grace Kelly, because apparently I not only went to the movies, I got there in my time machine. I went to my old movie theater, comedian–


look sweit. will fang fuk out of yuu, tho.

I have the barricade up between this room and the rest of the house, a thing I just took a picture of and SEVENTY-NINE TIMES I tried to drag the photo of it to my desktop and the picture WILL NOT DRAG OVER WHY GOD WHY, but it did allow me to drag over this image I just took of old Mug Shot Edsel, here, who is the reason the barricade is up.

He’s stuck back here with me because he keeps eating the cats’ food and it’s cat breakfast time. It was also Edsel breakfast time, but that time’s gone in 30 seconds. The cats take a more leisurely approach. They’re French. They’re over there at the table smoking cigarettes and drinking strong black coffee and discussing Proust.

I need a good idea for where to put the cats’ food. The window between the kitchen and this room gets ants. So does the top of the refrigerator. I currently have their dishes on the dining room table, and someone was over the other night and I realized we were eating with three cat dishes at the end of our table and it hadn’t really registered with me, and right there is when you know you’ve glided into insane cat lady.

The grandmother I’ve turned into really liked cats. Did I ever tell you that? She also went through about 87 dogs. Did I ever tell you that? …yeah.

I used to put the dishes on their condo, but that thing finally broke. Maybe I should get them another condo. Feed them up there.

Wow. No.


Also, those were sneaky links to Amazon. If you, you know, wanted to shop on Amazon today. See how convenient I made it for you to get over there? Cause it’s so tough otherwise.

THE POINT IS, Edsel is stuck back here with me, but just a moment ago, when I was telling you the riveting news that I was at the movies watching old movies as I do eleven thousand times a week, Steely Dan meowed at me.

“What’s wrong, honey?” I asked, and picked him up and kissed his glossy lavender head and scritched his little fuzzy cheeks, which as you an imagine he adores. He stalked off as soon as he could, opened the door as he does, and let himself out in the back yard.

It was only after I turned back here to write you some more that I thought, “Wait. How did he get back here? There’s a barricade up.”

You’d think if he leaped over it, I’d have seen it. But he just…appeared.

Oh, lord.

So I saw Grace Kelly at the movies, and she stopped acting and looked into the audience and said, “June, how do you pull off that effortless elegance?” but I couldn’t answer her because I had two straws in my mouth, doing m’walrus impresh.

Then I came home and had a migraine because it’s storming out, and I don’t know why there’s no sun up in the sky, stormy weather.

Did I ever tell you that story? (Gee, June, a story?) (Also, I just read a hate thing someone wrote about me that I was too disjointed. Say, why don’t you dis THIS joint, assy?)

When I was 15, I was at my grandmother’s house, and do you remember being at your grandparents’, and they’d always choose the shittiest of the three TV channels there were to choose from?

“Oh, Hee-Haw. Let’s leave it on that.” [But, the Hudson Brothers are on channel…crap.]

“Say, it’s time for Lawrence Welk. Turn it up, honey.”

“Oh, great, a shitty boring western. Where’s the Jiffy Pop?”

So my grandmother had some shit-ass show on, Andy Williams or Dinah Shore or who knows what, and a singer came on and performed Stormy Weather.

Oh, that song spoke to my angst over my tragic breakup with Cardinal, my high school boyfriend. It truly WAS stormy weather since my 15-year-old man and I ain’t together.

A few weeks later, that song was still haunting me. I called my grandmother.

“Gramma, do you remember when we watched that show and that woman was singing about a storm or whatever it was? Do you know how that song goes?”

“Well, sure I do!” said my grandmother, who was, you know, 10 years older than my age now, pretty much. So she started singing, in her gramma way.

“Don’t know why, there’s no sun up in the sky, am I blue–shit.”

“What?” I asked. I had a pen poised over a paper. I was writing down the lyrics. It was a lot harder to moon over a song before Google.

“I started singing Am I Blue instead of Stormy Weather,” Gramma said, annoyed with her own self.

“Don’t know whyyyyyy,” she started again, “there’s no sun up in the skyyyy, stormy weather. There was a time, I was his only one. But now I’m, the sad and–SON OF A BITCH.”

I dearly wish I had a recording of that phone call. She never did get the lyrics straight. Kept segueing over to Am I Blue.

Poor Gramma. She was the same way with fairy tales. I heard a lot of stories about Little Red Riding Hood ending up at the ball with a glass slipper after she’d slept for a hundred years. You always knew Gramma was getting off track when she’d pause and “lo and behold” you.

“And loooo and beholllllld,” [pause] [clearly has forgotten the plot] “And loooo and behollllld, Snow White ate the porridge…”

So. Yeah. You wonder why I’m disjointed? Hatey-ass asshole of Asstown.

Now I’ve wasted your time and I didn’t even get to tell you what I gathered you all here for, which was to tell you I’ve lost five pounds, and while I still weigh more than I’ve ever weighed, in my HEAD my five-pounds-lighter self is HOT. I’m parading all over town thinking, Y’all look over here. You ever SEEN a hotter 52-year-old in your life? You shoulda seen me five POUNDS ago. I’m unrecognizable.

I figure once I hit my goal weight (8 pounds, 5 oz. Twas m’birth weight so I know I’ve been there at least once), I will be insufferable.

As opposed to now.

I leave you with this charming photo of my coworkers. I took it on one of our walks, which explains how I’ve achieved my dramatic weight loss.


Talk to you later. Don’t wanna hear it again tonight. I’ll talk to ya later. Am I blue.

Well, SHIT.

Published by


At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

71 thoughts on “Grace Kelly Bluebook”

  1. Weighing in on the ant problem. Find where they’re getting in and sprinke ground cinnamon on the trail and their entry point. Let it sit a few days and once they stop coming in, you can sweep it up. The cinnamon hasn’t seemed to affect my cats since it’s close to the wall or door.

    Speaking of weird places to feed cat, when I first moved into my house, my grey cat decided to live under a blue cabinet that sits in the back entry. It’s 6 inches off the floor and she would stay under there. I had to shove bowls of water and food under there for her. Since the cabinet is next to the basement door, she would slink through the cat door to the litter box on the basement landing. The next year, she moved to the top of the microwave for 6 months, then the desk chair in the living room, and she’s been eating on a chair under the dining table for the last three years.


  2. That photo of you as Grace Kelly is gorgeous! Glamorous. I don’t get why people want to spread the negativity. Isn’t there enough seeping into our pours as it is? That picture of Edsel is so cute. He loves you so…

    Lovely post, lovely June!


  3. Your coworkers look like members of the Jets gang. My main feeling for Grace Kelley in To Catch a Thief is just jealousy that she gets to flirt with Carey Grant. I have had a crush on him since I was 6. Isn’t there a way to just deal with ants? We were in a place last month where we had to keep bit of open food in the fridge so they didn’t crawl into it. But there has to be a way to just ….keep them out right?


  4. I laughed all the way through your stories and the comments. Your grandmother’s loooo and beholllllld fairy tales reminded me of the Fractured Fairy Tales from the Rocky and Bullwinkle show.


    1. I loved Fractured Fairy Tales. And I believe most of my understanding of history comes from Peabody and Sherman.


  5. I’m sure the suggestions to put the cat food on the washer is a great one but I’m having visions of Steely Dan carrying your delicates to the washer and putting them through the “heavy” load and other such sinister machinations!


  6. I just ordered a new crib mattress for my soon-to-be-born granddaughter. You’re welcome very much. June rolling in the moolah after all today’s orders.


  7. I bet Grace Kelly never has stubble under her arms or gets a yeast infection, or WAIT, a bladder infection and has to sit in the doctor’s office in agony and then can’t squeeze any pee into the little cup. I just bet never.


    1. Wasn’t it when she realized that he had stubbly yeast in her royal pits that she drive her car right off the road?!


  8. Omg, I am your grandma. I do that crap to my son all the time. He’s 260 months now and so over me.


  9. I love Ms Kelly’s dress. It gives me so many feelings and I’m not even a girly girl. Where did you read someone’s critique? Personally I enjoy your style. There’s a lid for every pot, right? She’s just a different pot.


  10. Speaking of dogs that inhale their food, friends have the most giant, Sweetums of a golden retriever who does the same thing as Ed. They got him a toy that gets filled with food and he has to roll it around to get dinner to fall out one piece at a time. It’s hilarious to watch and he seems to like it. I have a cat that inhales his food or treats, so I got a cat version of the toy. That asshole figured it out in a minute. He empties it out in thirty seconds, scarfs down every treat so the other cats get none, and then pushes the others aside to get treats that I’ve put in front of them. Other than that he’s a sweetheart to everyone. You’d think he’d be as big as a house but he’s the perfect weight. Asshole.


  11. I’m swooning. I’m also loving your hilarious writing, but mostly I’m swooning over your male coworker in that picture. I apologize if you’ve mentioned him in the past; however, I’m in love and I need to know everything about him. Please.


    1. OHOHOH! [raising hand like Horshak] I think that’s handsome Austin. He is married and lives in a house that has cool old wallpaper.


  12. I have so many emotions about Kelly and Brenda up there. Like, they hated each other in real life during 90210, but now that Brenda’s a badass cancer survivor, can they be friends? I just read yesterday there are talks of a 90210 reunion (including Andrea, who must be 75 now.) None of them ever made it “big,” so they’ve gotta be up for the cash grab, right? Oh, I so wanted to look like Jennie Garth as a teenager.

    I am in love with your grandmother. “And loooo and behollld.” This was a great post. *panders*


  13. Thank you for the laugh this morning – that phone conversation was priceless!!
    I have trouble feeding our two dogs – one prefers to graze throughout the day and is super skinny, the other will eat until she bursts. Skinny minny has us trained – we leave his empty dog bowl on the floor so he can bang it and let us know when he’d like a few bites of kibble, and then we just have to make sure Miss Piggy doesn’t get near his bowl. Honestly though, she has some sort of super power…skinny minny will be at his bowl, and next thing I know Miss Piggy is chowing down, while skinny minny is nowhere to be seen – all I did was blink, I swear! smdh…


    1. Speaking of which, I wish to kiss flush on the mouth, without hugging you, the person who BOUGHT A PHONE through my not-blog. Oh my god! Am Lovey Howell. If Lovey had been impossibly thin.


      1. I bought a $600 rug. When that appears please tell me how much you actually got from that order. So curious. I’m glad you are reminding about Amazon. I bought a bunch of dog stuff recently and clean forgot to go through your link. You need to remind me every day or I forget.


      2. Yay! That was me. Sorry it was only a used phone, but my phone broke, and that was the best I could afford right now. Glad I could help!


            1. I don’t ever look at the report anymore. I just look at the dollars. Last month I made $847. This month I’ve made $112 so far. The report is a pain in the ass to get, and what’s the point? I only knew about the phone thing because someone else wanted to see my report.


              1. OMG, that amount makes me so happy for you! As pandering devotees of your disjointed writing I think I will speak for everyone and say that knowing that we can “pay” you back for all the laughs you give us. I will continue to do my part.

                And now, we’d interrupt this message for the “make sure you are saving half for taxes” reminder (ducking, still ducking…)

                About that bitchy hater, Helen suggested that said hater needed to smoke a joint, I wonder if she has a yeast infection and smelly pits (thanks PJ for that thought!).


                1. Ha, my disjointed comment!

                  …pay you back for all the laughs you give us, gives us great joy and a great excuse to be excessive consumers!


  14. P.S. The cat dishes on the dining table! Snort! When I had two cats, one was fat, one was skinny. I fed the skinny one on the dryer, the fat one couldn’t jump up there and her diet was restricted. The ants are terrible this year. I’ve been fighting them all summer.


  15. Anytime I find myself shaking my head by your second paragraph, I know it’s just going to snowball from there. I started shaking my head after the first sentence. One for the book, June Gardens, one for the book.

    … m’walrus impresh. …15 year old man and I ain’t together.

    And yet there’s still so many more funnies here. Instead of listing them I will just keep shaking my head and smiling most of the morning and come back and reread a hundred more times.

    You’re so pretty, Joob!


  16. LOVED this post! I love the way you go chasing rabbits and eventually get back on the right trail. That’s the way my brain works, most of the time, so it seems so…logical. This is why we all keep coming back. The one that says you are disjointed just might be the disjointed one. Thanks for the Amazon link, I’m on my way over there to place an order.


  17. I knew I loved your humor… I have the same disjointed thought process and that must be why I relate so well. Screw that jealous ass. Can’t please everyone ..Ricky Nelson was right.
    When we got our first dog the cat food moved to the top of the dryer. Not my brainstorm, a co-worker with both species of pets gave me the idea.


  18. Love the grandma stories! I, too, remember the time before Google. And smart phones, computers, internet, etc. I will be 53 in less than a month so don’t want to hear any whining from you, ya young, skinny whippersnapper!


    1. I failed to mention she was telling me these stories while we were lying in bed, about to sleep, and she was usually half a second from REM. Hence the Sleeping Cinderella and Her Dwarves Had 101 Dalmations.


      1. Oh, believe me, I knew exactly what was happening. I’m a mom who remembers precisely what it was like to tell story after story to a child who was less sleepy than I.


      2. For a moment I was a little bit confused and thought it was your disjointed hater telling you the stories while laying/lying in bed.

        Don’t mind me, I’ll just “Oh, honey” myself.


  19. Possibly your most hilarious post EVAH and just EFF your jealous, disjointed critique-er. (Also, steaming to find THAT now.)


  20. This made me quietly chuckle out loud. Needed that today (just typed toady… you aren’t toady). Thanks lady!!


    1. Oh, well, you must be one of the many people who PANDER to me, which she also said. Which, really? She says pander like it’s a bad thing.


  21. Keeps rainin’ alllllll the tiiii-hime. That’s one of my most favorite songs. Actually, I like playing it more than hearing somebody singing it.

    Grace Kelly was just breathtakingly beautiful. It’s no wonder Rainier married her.

    Was the assy person saying you’re disjointed because you go off on other tangents when you’re writing? But going off on tangents and then coming back to the main point is one of the most awesome and entertaining things about you! Disjointed is not a bad thing then.


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