If only June would talk about doorknobs more

I noticed we weren’t guilted, yesterday, about celebrating Father’s Day on Facebook, as opposed to Mother’s Day. On that day, for every funny, cute or whatever mention someone had of his or her mom, there’d be a person kvetching that they HATE Mother’s Day, they can’t STAND to see other people celebrating it because of their personal WOES.

Lemme tell you something [pulls chair closer] [gestures drunkenly with cigarette].

Weren’t you, Mother’s Day kvetcher, the same person who just recently put up a photo of your husband and you? “Thirty years with this guy! Don’t know what I’d do without my boo!” or whatever. Perhaps you even called him “hubby.” That alone would be enough for me to kvetch.

But how about the fact that I am COMPLETELY ALONE with no potential mates in sight? That I’m almost 52, a deck of cards, and it’s been nearly two years since Ned and I broke up–if you don’t count that month or whatever that we reunited before FatGate. How about that, eh? You think that makes me delighted? And yet, did I get on Facebook and moan about how I can’t STAND to see happy couples?

Or, hey, how about your vacation pictures of Madrid when I can’t pay my water bill till next pay period?

Oh, and let’s talk Sibling Day when I’m an only child.

The point is, we all have something that’s sensitive or downright gut-wrenching in life, but how about we LET OTHER PEOPLE BE HAPPY and not bring down the fucking mood, June says, bringing down the fucking mood.

So let’s talk about my doorknobs.


When Faithful Reader (I think) Laurie gave me a box of spray paint, she had no idea I’d lose my mind. All weekend, I’ve been hauling things outside to paint them. I am now officially a person who knows who to take off and replace the doorknobs. It only required 78 texts with my ridiculous handyman, Alf. And 72 hours of watching riveting “How to put a doorknob back on” videos.

Usually, it isn’t that hard, but I had a screwed-up one, which resulted in 412 man/woman parts jokes from my ridiculous handyman Alf. “Once you get on a thing, it’s like trying to stop a runaway train, isn’t it?” I texted him. I text him.

The point is, either Saturday or Sunday morning–they were identical, after unscrewing, washing, degreasing, sanding and having personal sex with each knob, I took them outside and stood them up on pieces of styrofoam I’d unearthed from the attic. I sprayed them on pieces of cardboard boxes I’d carefully taken apart, and just as coat number two was drying,

Edsel plopped down and rolled on them all.


Won’t you enjoy my new Edsel-skin rug? I’m propped seductively on it. Speaking of which, I am completely obsessed with this seductive otter.


Anyway, my days of horrible brass doorknobs are coming to a close. Our national nightmare is over. Now I feel the need to paint all the doors. This is what happens, man.

I gotta go, but I leave you with these photos from this morning.


My current bed situation. If only I were legless like Lieutenant Dan.


After I’ve asked, “You want to get up?” Cats more into the idea than Edsel.


The good news is, my mother is giving me her old curtains. What do you mean, thank god?

Talk at you.



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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

33 thoughts on “If only June would talk about doorknobs more”

  1. Edsel thinks , mom giving too much attenshun to those hard metal jobs. Edsel make em hairee and thus Edsel’s.


  2. Your pet photos made my day. I am without a dog until Friday. I am sad about that. I am glad to see yours to fill the void.
    Love the door knobs.
    Lovely post, lovely June!


  3. Just from the title, I had a smile on my face! I kept telling myself to stop it but hey you have this effect on me. The blogging world is so much better with you in it (not sarcastic, just being honest)


  4. That otter sure has the moves! Wonder if he would give lessons? Yes, I do have someone in mind.


  5. Can’t stop laughing about Larry. Gonna stampede over to Facebook and share that one. Nice job on the knobs. I’m impressed.


  6. My daughter sent me the Larry video yesterday and that is why I love her so. Do you have to strip all the hardware and start over? My knobs are pitted! I think they need to go. Do you have one of those magnetic trays for all the bits and bobs while you have everything apart? I love those things.


  7. Poor Edsel, he just can’t win sometimes. But I am sure he gave you a big under-bited sorry look after he did it. I like the white knobs. Spray painting always reminds me of my dancing school days. Our teacher just loved to have us in glow in the dark orange costumes and shoes for something every year. This was in the old days when some of your costumes might be new and some might be recycled from previous recitals. She had big boxes of costumes and spray painted ballet shoes that were glow in the dark orange and all the tap shoes were spray painted silver. Near recital time those boxes would come out and you had to find a pair that fit. But I would not trade those days and memories for anything.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. “The point is, we all have something that’s sensitive or downright gut-wrenching in life, but how about we LET OTHER PEOPLE BE HAPPY…” Totally agree. If you don’t like it, or it hurts, just keep scrolling, don’t dwell on the hurt.

    You were certainly a busy person this weekend. Next thing we know, you’ll be a consultant on painting. The Edz rolled on your painted knobs and knocker. OH NO! “Won’t you enjoy my new Edsel-skin rug?” Cracked me up. This reminds me of the time we had our sidewalk poured and the next morning we had cat food prints right across the walk. We thought we had kept the cat inside long enough for the cement to harden, obviously not.


  9. Oh, I love housey projects! Your knobs look so cool painted black/covered in fur. Are those for your kitchen cabinets?
    Lovely post, June!


  10. Lemme tell you something [pulls chair closer] [gestures drunkenly with cigarette]. That line made me flashback to a couple favorite aunts. Love it! That’s a perfect line!!!!!!

    Oh my gawd on all the “special” days on FB. I don’t have mother, father, partner, or sibling woes and yet I can’t stand any of those days but I keep it to myself and just choose not to comment or like those posts on those days.

    Have I told you lately how pretty you are, Joob?


  11. I was thinking the exact same thing about the Mother’s Day v Father’s Day on Facebook situation. Women just can’t win, is all. And thanks for making me realize that, come this Wednesday, I’ll be a deck of cards plus 2 jokers years old.


  12. Yes, painting is addictive. I have a list of projects I’m itching to work my way through.
    Did you know you can spray paint outdoor flower pots with glow in the dark paint?
    On the list.
    My dad wasn’t the best on the planet but I’m happy for those who have or had a great relationship with theirs.
    Larry totally made my day!


  13. Here I was expecting pictures of unique distressed doorknobs and Edsel wearing patches of Creamy White and Antique Silver.


  14. After I recovered from my laughing fit, I shared Larry the Otter with a ton of people. They all thank you.


  15. FatGate.
    I was just going to use “our national nightmare is over” on FB (re my mulch) and now I’ll have to TM you.


  16. I replaced doorknobs and now they don’t larch propane. Le sigh. I know. Just keep scrolling. You’re so pretty.


    1. Wait, what? What is “larch propane?” Or did Stupid Autocorrect stupidly autocorrect “lock properly?”


      1. I thought maybe Joan had started day drinking really early….
        or maybe she did try to say “latch properly.”


    2. And here I was not even realizing that doorknobs were supposed to larch propane. Maybe only in Nevada.


  17. I have so much hate for the level of sensitivity right now. I saw one of those dumb “You’re washing your hair ALL WRONG” articles on The Face and saw it had a billion comments. The first one – “I am a woman of color and this would not work for me. Thank you for ignoring all people of color once again!” Oh, good grief. Like EVERY SINGLE THING written about EVERY SINGLE THING has to include EVERY SINGLE POTENTIAL PERSON? Ugh.

    Love your knobs and knockers June! You had a productive weekend!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Yeah, feeling you on the couple angst. I don’t normally get annoyed except around Valentine’s Day, when there’s so much couple love on TV. That’s when I usually resort to screaming “Fuck you, Vera Wang, and your thoughts on love and your stupid stupid engagement rings!!” to the TV. OK, a little bitter around that time. I do at times, want to tell other women to shut it when they start complaining about their “hubby” or boyfriend, because at least they have one. Siiiigh. It would be nice to have a significant other, but my life is so crazy right now, that I think if I brought a man into my home with my nephew and his two kids living here, and all the chaos and screaming and stomping and fighting and cat hair that comes with that, the poor guy would run screaming right back out the door. Now is not a good time.

    I am very thankful for my wonderful father, but I choose to tell him how much I love him face to face on Father’s Day when our family spends the day together, instead of posting about him on the Face. I do always think of others who either have a lousy dad or have lost their father, and then I thank God that mine is a great dad and still around and very healthy.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I am in awe of your doorknob skillz. I am not the least bit mechanically inclined. Thank God for my husband who is. Speaking of that, Father’s Day bugs because I don’t have the warm fuzzy daddy’s girl father. He was gaga when I was born but I was the first so..(I know because his mother and I were super tight). I agree, keep your grief to yourself and let the lucky ones enjoy. I post M & l mainly because five years in to this damn cancer thing I’m so grateful to still have him around. I am very concious of two friends who would very much like to marry and never have. Life can be really shitty.


  20. I agree! Too many overly sensitive people out there. If you don’t like what someone posts, just keep scrolling. It’s not like your scroll feature just stops and forces you to comment.
    Anyway, seductive otter. And sleepy Steely Dan. Monday bonus!

    Liked by 1 person

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