Yesterday morning, Ned texted me this photo with no further comment. Dear World: He texted me. Did you note the “ed,” there, world? Because it seems like no matter what I do, I cannot stop hearing people say, “He text me.” Goddammit.

The point is, to you it’s just a bag on a landing. To me, it means NedKitty is still doing okay. The vet had told him to pay attention to NedKitty’s activities. Is she still doing things she likes? So he listed her hobbies so he could check that she was still doing them: hair chewing, putting a bag on her head and getting in the shower. She is the weirdest cat invented. Finding the bag moved around is a good sign. Means she was sportin’ it when he wasn’t looking.


Last night, Ned texted me the above photo. Heeeee.

But speaking of that bony cat, I almost killed myself for her yesterday. Ned had to leave town for another presidential event. I think he was meeting with Begin and Sedat. But then he called me in a tizzy: he was out of subcutaneous fluid for that creature; could I pick it up at the cat clinic, and he’d get it when he got back home?

The cat clinic is, you know, half a mile from my neighborhood, and they’re open till 6:00. IT SEEMED LIKE NO BIG DEAL AT THE TIME.

I had big plans for myself last night. My ridiculous handyman, Alf–and I feel like if he were to read this post he’d say, Yes. I am fairly ridiculous. Anyway, Alf, of the ridiculous Alfs, put in a new gate on my fence earlier in the spring. He said we can’t paint the whole shebang till it weathers a bit, but it’s been a few months now and I’m dying to paint this mess. I Googled it, and read you shouldn’t paint until you’ve had three rain-free days in a row.

IMG_8102.JPGGuess what we haven’t fucking had for months. And also, just TRY to find info on when was the last time it rained. Cause it’ll be sunny for a day and I’ll think, man, did it rain day before yesterday? And since this is RAIN ALL THE TIME RAIN ON MY PARADE RAIN WILSON RAIN LOVE RAIN ON ME (yes, I KNOW it’s Reign O’er Me, smuggy) place, I can never recall. But I’ve become now acutely aware of days that it did not rain, and yesterday was officially day three. Finally!

So my big plan was to rush over to the cat clinic, where careful readers will recall they have a room full of kittens for kitten adoptions and why was June so willing to help, do you think, and then get home and commence to painting. Like I’m Tom Sawyer. With a new kitten. Tomcat Sawyer.

It was a perfectly lovely day yesterday, till Griff and I headed out for the 3 o’clock walk. “Is the sky rather…ominous to you?” I asked him, as the dark cloud that regularly looms over Griff’s head grew even darker.

Griff looked up. “Well, guess I’ll see my girlfriend tonight.” Griff’s beleaguered girlfriend gets to see him only on rainy days in summer, as he is otherwise golfing. I again reminded him that that woman is a saint. If I had a boyfriend who would see me based solely on barometric pressure, I wouldn’t be the only thing he’d find where the sun don’t shine. He might also locate a few golf accoutrements.

While we walked, the thunder growled at us like a feral cat you’re following to kiss. Not that I know what that sounds like. “You think we’ll make it?” I asked nervously.

We did, but when I left at 5:00, it was dark out. “This is ominous,” I said to my coworker N, who had to drive all the damn-ass way to Winston and who had little sympathy for my six-minute commute.

As I pulled onto the road, I saw the biggest flash of lightening I’ve ever seen. Then another one. BOOM! said the sky, and then the props guy started dumping buckets of water at my windshield. It was ridiculous. It was ridiculous like Alf.

People were turning on their hazards. Things started blowing past me like I was Dorothy Gale in her bedroom. “Am I, like, in a tornado?” I wondered.

I had to drive past my street to get to the goddamn cat clinic, and I knew Ned would understand if I told him I was literally worried a pole was going to fall onto my car, even though this isn’t much of a Polish neighborhood.

But I thought of poor skinny NedKitty, and how she perks right up when she gets her subcutaneous fluids, and I thought of her little bag on the landing and GODDAMMIT.

Plus, I considered the kitten room. Ned had said they had a whole ROOM of kittens, and then there was just one black one left, but maybe they got more. Or maybe Burt Blackarach was still there and I could abscond with him as a bonus for Ned. Here’s some fluid AND A KITTEN!!!

I was like a donkey with a rainy carrot dangling in front of me.


Here is an unretouched view of the cat clinic, if one were Claude Monet. It was the kind of rain where, even though I was right outside the building, I was 100% wet when I walked in, and not just because I was excited by the Adopt a Kitten banner, or as the rain made it, Adopt-a-Klwkttenfreer.

“I’m Ned Nickerson’s friend,” I said, bursting in. Bursting with flavor. “I’m here to get his fucking cat’s fucking fluids.” Ironic, as I was nothing but fluid at the moment.

They knew just exactly who Ned was, which tells you a little about how often he’s in there. While they bustled about to get the fluids, I, oh, meandered casually to the kitten room Ned had told me about.


There was even a sign: No kittens today frowny face.

I looked anyway, in case they were fucking with me. I RISKED MY LIFE, and my reward is no kittens? This is how Mother Teresa felt when she got to purgatory.

“So, no kittens today?” I dripped, because a giant sign and an empty room were not clear enough. “You’re out of kittens?”

“What? Oh, yeah,” said the woman at the desk, who was busy putting needles on the record, or in Ned’s bag o’cat accouterments. “Accoutrements” is a big word with me today.

“I was here on February first,” I said, because I’m weird with dates that way, “when NedKitty almost got put to sleep. I can’t believe how much she’s perked up.”

“I KNOW!” said the woman, amazed. “That day she really looked like…”

“She did.” We nodded our heads solemnly. Then we talked for 40 minutes about what a fucking mess Ned’s gonna be when that cat feels the silk. It’s not gonna be pretty. For any of us.

And I mean, I don’t wanna tell Ned that it just gets worse. At least that’s been my experience. I have to keep convincing myself Tallulah’s not coming back. It’s not like that time she hid in the woods for three days.

Anyway, I made it home and you’ll be stunned to hear did not paint the fence. That would have gone well. I coulda painted the fence in the driving rain while Lou Gossett Jr. yelled at me. I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO.

However, I do. And that place is work. Smell ya.



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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

43 thoughts on “Adopt-a-Klwkttenfreer.”

  1. When you said that about Mother Teresa, I nearly swallowed my gum.
    She’s been cannonized already, btw.


  2. “Am I, like, in a tornado?” I remember that exact line being uttered by Dorothy. Ha!

    You are a good egg for making sure Nedkitty is taken care of. Hopefully, she’ll be perky and really good and happy for the rest of her life and then go peacefully in her sleep. That’s what I always hope for older animals.

    Ooh, you know what irks me like the text/texted thing? Don’t know if you all have the same commercials in your area or this is a PA thing, but the Blue Cross/Blue Shield commercials that tell you to “Live Fearless” make me cringe. I spend my time yelling “LY! Live FearlessLY!” at the TV when that commercial is on. Really, BC/BS?


  3. Hmmm… I do remember rain…. I saw a lot of that while living in NC… now back in AZ and we say… Rain? What does that look like!


  4. I like the wet windshield picture, too, but I can’t figure out what it says next to Cat Clinic. Sort of looks like “We’re like Open.” Palm at the ready to smack my forehead if you decipher that for me.


  5. You are a very good friend indeed.

    Yes, I was stuck in the rain yesterday and saw everyone using their flashers – I’d never seen that before so I joined right in – I felt ridiculous but figured as hard as it was coming down it would be better to have flashing lights to kinda keep the person behind me on his/her toes.


  6. My god was there anyone as scrumptious as Richard Gere in a uniform? And how homely ass Debra winger got him I’ll never know.


    1. Because she put out. Or at least that’s what I figured. Guys always went for the girls who put out, right?


  7. Not “An Officer and a Gentleman” reference to end this post — just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get better. Good ole sexy Richard Gere sitting in the rain…You, like Ned, are a great friend. Sorry the kitties weren’t there!


  8. Adopt-a-Klwkttenfreer. Only, not today, because they are slap out of Klwkttenfreers. It “slap out” a Southern expression?

    Oh, that rain! We drove through three episodes of blinding rain on the interstate a couple of weekends ago. Each time, we would finally find an exit, leave the interstate only to see that the rain had let up. Three times! Most drivers were driving cautiously, but there were a of couple of them who sped along as though the sun was shining and the roads were perfectly dry. Idiots!


  9. I figured we here in Oregon were the only ones dealing with an overly wet spring, but it sounds like it’s happening all over. Weird…


  10. “I thought of her little bag on the landing . . .” So poignant.

    Right now my handyperson is all about treating my back yard with snake repellent. But until it stops raining every three days, I’ll just have to hope the snakes drown.


    1. Let’s hope the snakes aren’t keeping a rodent population at bay.
      I like snakes, bats, owls, all the things that make sure I don’t have mice or rats or other non – pet critters.


      1. Yikes! LisaPie, oddly enough there were mice too. I hate spraying chemicals around the yard, but after years of general neglect and English ivy takeover, I’m hoping a short course will take care of things that bite dogs. And the bats are welcome to all my mosquitoes!


  11. No kittens, I think Ned will pay for that. Haha everytime I type Ned it turns to bed. Stupid auto-correct.
    I absolutely hate when people put their flashers on because of rain. If are that scared get the fuck off of the road. I believe it’s against the law to even do that.


  12. How can they call themselves a Cat Clinic when there are no kitties???? There is a restaurant that I like to eat at for lunch mostly because it is next to a cat clinic that has their kittens in the window for all to see and lust after. Glad that NedKitty is still hanging in there.


  13. This was a laugh out loud TWICE post. You were hysterical. If there is a book editor out there, today would be a good day to take your post for a test drive.


  14. Burt Blackarach!

    That is some rain. “Rain” is my mulch guy’s go-to excuse. (I am currently waiting for confirmation that he and the mulch are not at my house this minute, and then plan to go all Evelyn on his ass.)


  15. I like how you all think that if NedKitty died, I’ll Ned would do is stoically send me a picture of an empty bag. Dude, I’m going to have to leave work, I’m probably going to have to drive him to the hospital to get him an IV of tears to replace the ones he’s going to lose.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That never occurred to me, obviously. That makes me very sad for Ned, because NedKitty is probably not going to out live Ned.


    2. You may have to be on caticide watch. And line up some grief counseling.
      What did he ever decide (decide – hahahaha) about his living sitch? Can’t remember or you never told us.


  16. Feel the silk! That always cracks me up as did all the accouterments. Hilarious post. Since your respite you have been more hilarious than ever.


  17. The first picture was a heart stopper. The lone empty sad paper bag. I’m glad I was wrong.

    Also, “BOOM! said the sky…” What a great line.


  18. Are you able to administer the subcutaneous fluids?
    Lovely post, Juneberries. Autocorrect. Not me. Autocorrect. Why? I do not refer to you this way in writing.


  19. What color ya’ gonna’ paint the gate June? Huh…huh……what color, what color? White, you didn’t say white did you?
    Did you get an appropriate color from your haul the other day?


  20. Yesterday the clitoris is my happy place. Today wet over kittens. You are killing it in the best way possible! I heart dirty June.


  21. June. I have SO MANY TIMES wondered why there isn’t a place that records how much rain we’ve had in my exact location on a particular day. I mean, how hard would that be, with all the other useless crap that’s on the internet? I need this feature in my life. I so love a good rainstorm. We are sorely lacking in rain right now in my neck of the woods. If we had a place to look it up I’d link to it right here:

    A walk with Griff sounds like it would be so entertaining.


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