Pain Bryant

I can’t really go into my headache study all that much, because of confidentiality and so on. But–and please don’t ask for more clarification, I can FEEL you all asking for more clarification–at the beginning of the study, I had to do a pain-threshold series of tests. Yes, they inflicted pain on me.

“How much, June?” “How, June?” “What’d they use, June?” See: clarification. I can’t clarification for you.

Anyway, the first time they did it, some months ago (six, now? Wow), I was understandably nervous. Like, was I going to be able to even stand the pain? They took me in a room and this young, shy grad student did the inflicting. In case you think, wow, June looks like she’s into receiving pain, you are a poor judge of people. I’m more of a dom.

But I got through it, and it was actually sort of interesting, and of course my feeling is I have a high threshold, but probably everyone thinks they have a high threshold for pain. Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor.

On day before yesterday–and every day I love myself a little more; today it’s for saying “on day before yesterday”–I went back for round two. They asked me an hour’s worth of questions about the study, and they recorded me for posterity, so when I’m famous, that thing’ll be worth a mint.

I just now figured out what they mean when they say that. All my life I’ve been all, You can get mints for free at the cashier’s desk before you leave the restaurant. Worth a mint. Pfft.

After they examined my brightness and found me lacking, they took me back into the room where the young, shy boy was again. “Oh, it’s you!” I said. And we laughed for a moment, and I said, “I never knew…”


I was reading a post from someone in my love addicts/anxious attachment page recently on Facebook, and her entire post, she kept writing “n” instead of “and,” like she’s that pressed for time. Whatever her message was, all I saw was “n.”

Oh my god, anyway. So shy boy and I get ready to feel the pain, because I have got time for the pain, apparently, and just as we were all set, the door opens.

“Oh, hey, Nick.”

It was, like, shift change at Ow Corning or something, and this



youth took over for Shy-a Labeouf or whoever.

Young. Strapping. Grad student.

“Hey, I’m Strap. I’ll be taking over. Are you ready?”

Was I ready.

And here’s what I feel I might have to tell the headache study people. You replace my regularly scheduled cute-enough pain-giver with a


young boy, you do that to someone who hasn’t had sex since her dead-dog’s last birthday, and you might confound your results.

Cause I had this young


boy all leaning over me and moving my parts around and asking, “Is this too intense” and I FELT NO PAIN. NO PAIN AT ALL. I mean, I did, but I didn’t give one shit. I spent the whole time thinking, I wonder if he’s into MILFs. And that’s great if he is, but I wonder if he’s also into chubby 51-year-olds with Hair.

Look. If you’re 56, I’m kind of a catch. As Hulk once pointed out, I’ve got no kids, no animosity with the ex, a house (that I can’t afford). Ignore the 27 pets and the immaturity and you’ve got yourself a dream middle-aged gal. Plus, as women in their 50s go, I’m no HOUSEWIFE, but I’m passable. I could look worse. As my old housekeeper Alicia used to say, “There are a lot of people who look worse than you.”

But to a, you know, 25-year-old? Probably not so much. He thinks I’m old and useless and shop at Pain Bryant or whatever.

This did not stop me from the many impure thoughts I had as old Mark E. DeSod gave me the pain. Holy cats.

I told this story to my father last night on the phone, because hey, June, tell everybody everything, why don’t you, and he pointed out maybe that was part of the study. See how I do when they bring in a Mr. Hot from Youngstown.

Anyway, I really have to call the headache study and tell them I might be disqualified, anyway, since I got m’daith pierced, and also, here’s how this is going for me on social media.

Someone on Facebook: Hey, June, how’s the daith piercing going?

Me: Well, I’ve had three or four headaches this month, when normally I have anywhere from 9 to 18. And a few of those were so mild I don’t know that you can call them migraines. The ones that WERE migraines were not on the side that I got the piercing.

Someone on Facebook: Have you considered getting the other side done?

Me: Yes. I wanted to see how this side went. Now I want this side to heal first.

So that happens, and then I’ll be somewhere else. The comment section here, for example, or on IM on Facebook, which by the way I abhor. We already HAVE 98 places we can talk. Now I gotta to over to IM as well? I took the IM app off my phone, so often was that thing pinging at me.

Anyway, I’ll be on Pie on the Face or IM or email and I’ll get: Hey, June, how’s the daith piercing going?

Me: Well, I’ve had three or four headaches this month, when normally I have anywhere from 9 to 18. And a few of those were so mild I don’t know that you can call them migraines. The ones that WERE migraines were not on the side that I got the piercing.

Other person: Have you considered getting the other side done?

After 495953494 of these conversations, one day I thought, If only there were one central place I could have this conversation. And right then I knew. I got House of Pie or whatever this fucking website is called.


I threw this photo in just now because I hadn’t thrown any in yet, and also because I still have 800 damn pictures left on my desktop. This is my work folk having a happy hour on someone’s last day.


Here’s the coworker and also a dog I picked up at the happy hour. He’s not really leaving, actually, he’s just moving to our New York office, which would be not too shabby. He’s thumb’s-upping with the guy who gave me the eagle calendar. A guy who this year offered me his soybean calendar. So.

Okay, I gotta go.

Oh, hey, P.S.IMG_7995IMG_7998

I forgot to tell you that Steely Dan, who sleeps harder than anyone you know, likes to sleep in the hole Lottie chewed in this bed, above.

Neither of those pictures show you just how in the hole he is. Sometimes he sticks just his back legs in there, so he looks like Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump is huge with me lately.

Okay, bye for real.


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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

25 thoughts on “Pain Bryant”

  1. I wonder if they did that on purpose?! Do those middle-of-a-patient shift changes really happen? Maybe they’re testing to see if your pain levels are higher with different kinds of people. I can imagine a guy might try to hold it together more with a conventually, young, attractive female than with someone who resembles his dear old grandma. That seems more psychological than “headache study,” though.


  2. I heart Steely Dan and his legs in a hole. He’s such a corker!

    Sounds like the daith piercing is a good thing! I’m glad that it’s seems to be relieving the migraines.

    I also love the relationship you have with your coworkers. I wish it was that way at my office fmr. I did have a tight relationship with many people in my Department and other Departments, because I just don’t get into being snarky to others. Generally though, the people in my Department intra-fought, and then they inter-fought with other Departments. It was a bunch of women. Like, 200, mostly women. In my experience, a bunch of women working together is not such a good thing.

    I always think that I have a high pain threshold. I never get novocaine at the dentist unless there’s something major going on, like a root canal. I’d be interested to find out if I’m really pain tolerant, though.


  3. I walk around my son’s college campus in full make-up, hair reasonably normal looking, in relatively unstained clothes, thinking I look somewhat attractive. Not once has any college student, TA or full professor ever looked twice. It’s sobering, ironically making me want to drink a lot.


  4. I abhor it when I read comments with “n” in them. Those are usually the comments that contain no punctuation so that it’s just one long sentence. Ugh. I’m glad you are benefiting from your piercing. I got mine done about a week after yours and I’m still having daily migraines though they seem to be ever so slightly less intense. I probably average an 8 on the pain scale and I’m about a 7 now. Nothing major but definitely some improvement. I just keep plugging away, getting relief wherever I can. Thanks for sharing what you could about your pain study!


  5. Thank you for the skinny on your daith piercing! I’ve been dying to ask but didn’t want to annoy or be nosey. (I don’t Face Pie and whatnot. This here’s my only way to stalk you.) Glad results are possibly sorta kinda good (touch wood)!


  6. The trouble with having a high tolerance to pain, is I also have a high tolerance to painkillers. I am reminded of this quote from “Girl, Interrupted”

    Susanna, four days ago… you chased a bottle of aspirin, with a bottle of vodka.
    Susanna: I had a headache.


  7. I’m cracking up that while Transfer to NY Guy plays soccer, the other workers are just tippy-tapping away on their computers like there’s nothing unusual here. I’ve never worked in an office setting like that so I think I’d be super distracted by shenanigans all.the.time. I’d be fired for sure.
    Your headache study description was so perfect! Who could blame you for being distracted by hot, handsome graduate students?!
    Yesterday I had to get cash, and I giggled the whole time thinking about the ATV machine.


  8. Ow Corning prompted a little snort laugh.

    I’m with Tee with the how-low-can-you-go pain threshold.


  9. June is SO in to clarification and pain , all the time And hot strapping things.
    That is how Steely gets out of and back in the house….the hole in the pet bed leads to tunnel to the outdoors.


  10. Hilarious post. I’ll admit right up front, I have NOOOOO tolerance for pain. When I go to the dentist, every single time, I tell him that I’m allergic to pain. Last year when I had a root canal, the first thing I told the dentist I was allergic to pain. He was so compassionate, he agreed that he didn’t like pain either. Didn’t make me relax one bit and by the end of the procedure I had grasped the chair arms so tight I was shaking. I thought I had developed a fever and chill I was shaking so hard.

    “I can’t clarification for you.” Flump!


    1. You’re lucky that your dentist was so gentle. Mine just stuck a needle right in my gums and they about had to peel me off the ceiling. He was in a hurry and didn’t want to wait for the Novocain to kick in!


  11. Thanks for the (non) info on your pain study. No doubt you want to go back to have Mr. Strapping inflict more pain on you. That dog made me gasp, so much he reminds me of my Gracie, fmr. God, I loved that dog. First! Does no one say that anymore on your new blo…Website?


  12. “Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor.”
    This is classic, perfect June.


  13. i would pay for a 25 year old to put his hands on me. not literally, but you know, ms. 53 over here single. lieutenant dan! *giggle*

    so? how’s the daith going?


  14. HA! That next to last picture does show him laying in a hole. I didn’t catch that before you called my attention to it, but see now that he does appear to be sans back legs. He is is so funny and adorable. How is it possible to love a cat you have never met? I surely don’t know, but I do love your Steeley Dan (as do I love your entire animal crew.) Lovely post, lovely June.


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