June in June

Yesterday, I got an overwhelming pudding craving.

I was at the store, because I was out of everything. I was, for example, clean outta batteries, and the kitchen clock had said five minutes to 3:00 all weekend. I even saw it die, the clock, and how often does that ever happen? I’d been doing my horrific high-intensity interval training, and I’d been staring longingly at the second hand, willing it to move through my one minute of jumping jacks more quickly, when boop. Froze. On five minutes and five seconds to 3:00. Then all weekend, I kept saying,

Hey, what time is it? Oh, it’s five minutes and five seconds to 3:00.

Hey, what time is it? Oh, it’s about five minutes and five seconds to 3:00.

Hey, why did I wake up at five minutes and five seconds to 3:00?

You can’t eat yet, Edsel, it’s only five minutes and five seconds to 3:00.

Hey, what time is it? It’s…

Etc.

I was also clean out of pet food other than cans of kittens. Edsel had had a can of kitten food for breakfast, as had all the cats, which pleased most of them mightily.

Not Lily.

That big-ass cat does not like a can of food. Iris acts like it’s Christmas morning when I get out a can, and Steely Dan. Well, you can imagine. But Lily?

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lilleee not fan. extreeeemlee pickee eeter. obvs.

Whenever I take a photo, I see things on the floor that I don’t see with my naked ashamed eye. I STILL don’t see that object on the floor in real life that I see in this photo.

Anyway…

Oh, and the reason I was out of everything, clean out of everything, is on Friday I had my identity stolen, and who would want to be me? Go pretend to be someone else.

This stolen moment was a thing the bank was apparently not gonna tell me about till I called them, or maybe they’d planned to call me at 3:00.

I noticed a charge for 99 cents, to Spotify, and if there’s anything y’all are sick of hearing about, it’s my endless Spotify purchases. So I called the bank and they said sure enough, they’d already noted my account had been compromised, and they’d frozen my card, a thing they thought maybe I just wouldn’t notice or whatever.

“We’re sending you a new card. In five to seven business days.”

This they tell me on a Friday evening of a holiday weekend.

And you know, I’d had trouble that day already, trying to purchase my exciting meds, and I just ended up writing a check. Which OH MY GOD, now that I’m thinking about it, this entire live-off-the-land weekend I just had, where I went with the clock frozen in time and the dog eating cat food all unnatural-like, I COULD HAVE GONE TO THE STORE AND WRITTEN A CHECK.

Jesus. I never thought of it. You have no idea how I metered out that pet food this weekend. I was like a drug dealer, with the scale and the baggies and the propensity to wear a robe at all hours.

So, finally, yesterday I went to the bank and got real cash, then schlepped to the grocery store so my poor pets could eat their proper food. I tugged giant food bags into the cart, stampeded over to the batteries, although I’m certain at this point that big hand had fallen deeply for number 11 back in my kitchen, and as I was headed out, I saw the pudding.

Do you like how it’s taken me 87 paragraphs to get back to the pudding?

It was there, glistening jiggily, in the salad bar, and what I like about myself is how my eyes glaze over the carrots, blanche at the idea of peas, and lovingly land on pudding. That stubborn scale. I think it’s broken. The springs, I think.

So I got some. I got some goddamn pudding. Put it in the clear salad container WITH NO SHAME, and I really shoulda at least had shame. Then I schlepped everything home, and the whole drive home I kept thinking, Man, I wish I could eat the pudding right now. Why didn’t I get a spoon so I could eat it right away?

I live a mile from the grocery store.

Finally, finally, I was home, and I lugged in those giant bags, threw the pudding in the refridge, opened the giant stupid bags and poured cat food in the cat food bin, dog food in the dog food bin, fed everyone, recycled the bags, opened the goddamn batteries and got the clock working and

THEN

it was time for pudding. Pudding time! And the livin’s easy.

So I got a spoon, opened the refridge door, and?

The pudding fell out of the fridge and plopped onto the floor upside-down.

And that about sums up my past few weeks. Oh, and also, I’m back. Heyyyyyy.

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Don’t even ask.

Luff,

Jooooon

Published by

June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

149 thoughts on “June in June”

  1. GODDAMMIT! All y’all left me waiting at the wrong bust stop. Had no idea Joob returned June 1. I feel like the boy in the plastic bubble here.

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  2. Oh, you’re back. I’m soOo eXcItEd…! (That was me jumping.) Welcome back. You look so pretty.

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  3. Sorry about your pudding. I have some chocolate pudding in the fridge. Hang on and I’ll email you a bowl of it.
    Glad you’re back. I came here every morning hoping for a post and lo this morning there was one.

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  4. MTM, I never saw it but Googled “muppet baby loves pudding” and got Aliens in the Family:
    “Aliens in the Family was a half-hour sitcom that aired on ABC in 1996. The show used puppets made by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop.
    The show focused on the Brodys, a mixed family consisting of Earthling Doug, his alien wife Cookie, and the children from their respective previous marriages. Doug had a daughter, Heather, and a son, Adam. Cookie had a daughter named Snizzy, a teenage son named Spit, and a baby son named Bobut, who harbored plans for intergalactic domination and an affinity for pudding. Rounding out the cast was Sally, Bobut’s hapless nanny.” There seem to be videos.
    I still want pudding. Looking forward to more Joon soon.

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  5. So glad you’re back. Really. And I probably would have tried to salvage some of that pudding. Because I have even less shame than you do (says the woman who just found a bag of 7-month-old leftover Halloween candy in her daughter’s room and helped herself).

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  6. I’m the happiest person in Greymouth, New Zealand at the moment, after finding a new blog post from June. I haven’t even read the post yet, just wanted to comment on how happy I am! Thank you so much for writing June

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  7. Welcome back, Joob. You have no idea how much I missed you. Sad about the pudding, though.

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  8. COULD NOT be more excited to see your face and your pets’ faces today!!!! COULD NOT!!!

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  9. Why is this WEBsite so persnickety? I try to comment and it tells me I’ve already said that. OK I get it. I’m old. I repeat myself. Hey GET OFF MY LAWN. Now did I tell you this website is persnickety?

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  10. i have nothing fancy to say. just here to say i’m glad you’re back. i did enjoy your more frequent facebook posts though, so it’s not like you were completely gone.

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  11. MTM, so sorry about the poison ivy and the rest. Nice that your dogs’ names match your initials. As if it were…Meant.
    deb–love Edsel’s cigarette!

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    1. T.T. also stands for Terrible Toofies, Tenacious Tongue, and Twirling Tervish.

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  12. June,
    You’re back! You’re back! Etc…. ( I couldn’t figure out how to leave my message on this thread, so I posted it on an earlier one. )

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  13. Welcome back and I would’ve fought the animals off and ate that pudding. Very little shame here.

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  14. I had to go check the pantry halfway through the comments to see if we had any boxes of Jell-O pudding. Yes! Two boxes of chocolate–very dusty, expired 17 JUN 2015. But so happy that June is back in June!

    From Thornton Wilder’s The Matchmaker:
    Barnaby: Cornelius, let’s arrange a signal for you to give me when an adventure’s really going on. For instance, Cornelius, you say…uh…uh…PUDDING; you say PUDDING to me as if it’s an adventure we’re in.

    Thanks for the signal–I really missed your adventures!

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    1. Please make the pudding and post it on this site.
      Does anyone else at all remember a short-lived Muppety summer program with space aliens? The baby alien was obsessed with pudding? And at the end of the show tried to hypnotize the entire viewing audience: “You will send pudding . . . Send pudding to meeee . . .”
      Tell me I didn’t imagine this.

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  15. June, sorry someone tried to steal your identity—as if anyone else could handle it! They were simply desperate to share your life in some way when they couldn’t read about it.
    I was so desperate myself that my life began to resemble yours. When the cable guy took my pliers, Titi & Minka got at my lunch bag, poison ivy took over my neck, right then I knew. Thank you for taking up your Book again.

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    1. I could deal with the missing pliers, the dog-eaten lunch, but not the poison ivy! I’m itching just thinking about it and am so sorry for you. Hope it heals soon.

      Also, bye, bye, pudding. Brilliant.

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      1. Thank you, and you can stop itching now: I’ve been told it is NOT poison ivy, it’s either allergy to a new soap or stress. Stress? Anyone who isn’t stressed, raise your hand.

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  16. I can hardly type this with all the confetti at the Welcome-Back-June-Please-Don’t-Leave-Us-Again-We-Love-Your-Take-On-The-World-Oh-And-How-We- Missed-Your-Hilarity-And-Fuck-The-Trolls parade!

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  17. So hopefully you ate it off the floor. The top part not touching the floor. Cause…pudding.

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  18. I was SO sad when you said you were through posting because of the negativity you were receiving. I’m delighted it was a phase. I love starting my day reading your posts. Your writing style is a tonic in a toxic world

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  19. Yay! And I love Lily’s picture. As for the pudding, totally expected Edsel to eat it. And I would have been eating it off the floor, like Joey Tribiani.

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  20. Yay! I am so happy. And yet so sorry for the demise of the pudding.
    I have pens, post it notes, toilet paper, trash bags, first aid kit, maps, and 2 umbrellas.
    Also I have a bag of things I hand out to my homeless people.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Glistening jiggily — Now THAT’S what I missed. Happy June, June. Welcome back!

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  22. So happy to have you back, June! (I even stepped out of lurkdom to comment today, as it is such a momentous occasion.)

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  23. Paula and PJ are cracking me up with the car preparedness wars. It’s good to have you back, June. I can’t believe Lily does not like the canned cat food – did she at least go for the pudding?

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  24. I don’t know what to say about the pudding loss. I mean, food is all that for me (even though I’m on Keto and no sugar is actually working for me now that I am not dying from lack of it). Loss of good pudding, anticipated pudding, is a cruel twist of fate.

    THANK GOD YOU’RE BACK!

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  25. I would have stampeded back to the store for more pudding. I’m so happy you’re back hashtag all the heart and smiley face emojis

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  26. It is written: On the first day of June, she returned. And lo, the comments overflowed.

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  27. It is 7:30 in the morning here and there are already 70 comments. Who missed Joob? No one. Who has been waiting at their computer hitting refresh every 36 seconds to see if she has posted? No one. Who has been aimlessly wandering the world wide webs looking for someone as interesting and funny as our June? No One. Well not no one but at least 70 of us someones. WELCOME BACK JUNE.

    I am so sad for the pudding. You could have done like Joey and Rachel in Friends when they dropped the cheesecake and ate it off the floor with spoons.

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  28. I spent so much time deeply dithering about whether your pudding was banana or chocolate that when I came to I was surprised I was home and not in the bread pudding/banana pudding department at the Teeter.

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      1. I have a magnifying glass in my dresser so I can read my lipsticks and makeup pencils. So sad.

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        1. I had a team of my younger co-workers trying to decipher the color on a tube of lipstick that I really liked. Even with the magnifier, it was a lost cause.

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  29. It’s about goddamn time you got your ass back here. We NEED our Daily Dose of June. Ain’t no way I was going to resort to reading Dooce thankyouverymuch.

    All is well now that June has returned.

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  30. The fact that you never even considered writing a check just killed me dead because I am right there with you. WHAT DID WE DO BEFORE DEBIT CARDS?? Oh, right. We had our ways!

    Love you June! So happy to see you back and in fine form I might add. And apparently old Edsel agrees!

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    1. I know I’m old, because I always have my checkbook with me and refuse to have a debit card. However, I have no aversion to credit cards. Like I said, I’m old.

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  31. “Well the names have all changed since you hung around, …………….Who’d have thought they’d lead ya, back here where we need ya…………welcome back,………etc.”

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  32. You have made soooo many people happy today! So glad you are back, June. It has been very sad and boring without your…what are you calling this, a blog or website? Whatev, welcome back.

    …clean outta batteries…!!!!! I gasped when you dropped the pudding, then I laughed. Sorry. I am so sorry about the identity theft. That is absolutely the lowest, whale belly thing to happen.

    Paula, I’m sure we are twins that were separated at birth. All those items mentioned, I have in my car, plus a blanket, change of clothes, toiletries, toilet paper, paper towels, Windex, battery cables, tie down straps, cash that is stashed in the HandiWipes envelope (the red one for emergency), basic tools, shoes and my house box. House box? I have photos, fabric swatches and paint samples of the interior of my house so I can match (perfectly) any color in my house. I understand your sickness.

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    1. I have glass cleaner, too! And a rag. I had jumper cables but I think my son took them. I don’t have cash! Good idea! Have a blanket in the trunk, also extra snow boots, heavy socks, an ice scraper, a shovel, de-icer spray and a bag of salt. Those things are only necessary in the north here, and I hope to God, RARELY. And of course, a couple of pairs of gloves in — where else? — the glove box. There’s also a winter scarf in the back seat, but that’s unintentional. My daughter left it there and we are at a standoff as to who will put it back where it belongs. And I have a box of stuff for Good Will that I’ve been driving around for a couple of weeks! (We won’t mention the spare cat carrier in the trunk in case I happen upon a spare cat.)

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      1. How do y’all have room to sit in your car and drive with all of that stuff? My goodness.

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        1. There’s just a small (pretty) box in the front passenger foot well. There’s a larger box (lidded plastic bin) in the trunk. And the Good Will stuff is just riding around in the back seat until I get around to dropping it off. (China!! Service for 12!! Antique!! Any takers??) Then my bag and my tote go on the passenger seat.

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            1. In my trunk!! Actually, I think they came with the car and since the car is ancient, I probably don’t so much have “flares” anymore.

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      2. Don’t you two have one of those handy little tools they make so you can break out a window if you go in the drink? (God forbid.)

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      3. Paula, a lot of the above referenced items aren’t necessary in the south, but I do have an ice scraper. I found a pair of folding scissors in my makeup bag in the car today! I forgot I had those. I must admit many of the items now in our vehicles are there because of the great snow storm in 1982 and we had nothing in the way of survival clothing/tools/food/water, etc. up until that point in time.

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  33. So glad that you are back June! Along with Lily and Edsel today. Edsel looks so contented in that picture, “I gotz momme to mysef”.

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  34. So happy you’re back! I’ve been checking daily, hoping, just in case. May you get and eat pudding today!

    Lovely post, pretty Joooon!

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  35. Welcome back, June. Did you miss us as much as we missed you? (Don’t answer that.) I thought of you yesterday when I had unexpected car repairs. Please, please, don’t let me also have my identity stolen. I’m so sorry that happened to you. That really s*cks. What also s*cks, is that now that you’re back, I’ll be gone for a few days.

    Geez, did I just make this comment all about me? Welcome back, our high-intensity-interval-training, pudding-on-the-floor, identity-stolen, completely-missed-while-you-were-gone, June.

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    1. P.S. Thank you, Tee, for giving me the heads-up that June would be back today. I didn’t want to miss it!

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  36. So glad you’re back with us. I would have totally scraped that pudding off the floor and eaten it. At least from the top down to the last miniscule layer. Hope your stolen identity problem gets squared away easily and soon.

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  37. Deb would’ve thought to write a check. AND mailed it with an assortment of vintage postage stamps.

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  38. Welcome “home”. Now about that pudding, don’t forget about the 5 second rule. When something falls onto the floor, if you scoop it up within 5 seconds it is still clean. Germs can’t crawl, fly faster than the 5 seconds it takes to scoop it up. It actual dirt was on the bottom, scrap it off.

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  39. I am so happy you are back! Like, realllly glad!
    I ate so much Salad Bar Pudding in college that it was just sad. I always got chocolate and sprinkled chocolate chips on top. Why there were chocolate chips on a salad bar, I do not know. Or care. But I sure ate it on the regular!

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  40. Forgetting about your check book proves that you are not completely an old lady yet. Otherwise, you would have schlepped down to the store, filled up your cart with 50 items, barged into the express lane for 10 items or less, and then after everything was rung up, you would have whipped out that check book and written a check so slowly that you could feel everyone in line behind you dying a painful, protracted death. And then you would take the time to carefully add the check information to the check register, and do the math, before putting the check book back into your purse and getting yourself arranged before you finally get the fuck out of the way so that everyone else can use their debit card and get on with their lives.

    Also, welcome back.

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  41. YAY, she’s back! That aside, who DOESN’T carry those take-out bundles of plastic tools, napkin, salt & pepper packets in their car? That pudding wouldn’t have made it out of the parking lot. Oh, just me? Oh, REALLLLLLY??? I’m the ONLY PERSON who carries plastic silverware in her car? EFF ALL OF YOU. (Why so chubby? TM June.) You’re a bunch of unprepared (skinny) freaks!! Probably none of you have straws in your cars either. Or wipes. Or tissues. Or paper towels. Or water. Or hand sanitizer. OH SHUT IT. It’s all organized in a pretty color-coordinated fabric box, easily reached from the driver’s seat. I KNOW. It’s a sickness.

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      1. Oh, are we taking TOTES now??!! Because that’s just the stuff in my car! (And doesn’t include the other box in the trunk!) I have a tote I take to work every day (my everyday tote, I take it every day. TM June.) with OTHER “preparedness stuff.” (Don’t ask.) (Ok, ask.) Protein bars, Sharpies, stationery, assorted cards, MY CHECKBOOKS (ahem, JUNE), umbrella, spare shopping bag…..

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        1. JPH&B, with all that stuff you lug to work every day, it’s a wonder you get there on time…..nay…..early!

          I love myself right now.

          I keep all that stuff in my car too, along with 40 1/2 bottles of water, 5 old blankets in the trunk, and 2 snack sized cans of Pringles that I’m sure are just dust by now, just in case. My ex always said “Where the hell are you going, that you think you’re going to be stranded that long and need those supplies, Donner Pass?”

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    1. I’ll see all that stuff you listed (tucked neatly in the tray of the center console), and I’ll raise you a mini first-aid kit.

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        1. Ooooh, I match your first aid kit and raise you two of those female pee cone things. Match that!

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    2. I don’t even have one napkin in my car. None of you should ever have any sort of emergency around me unless you bring your own stuff.

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    3. I ate chicken salad with a credit card once. Now in the glove compartment
      I have a special zip lock baggie with two spoons, napkins, etc.

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  42. That pudding episode is why we need to ear dessert first. I am on a chocolate Italian ice kick. It gives me ice cream headaches and my teeth ache afterwards from the extreme cold. It has no lactose and I love so I will have it anyway I am so glad you are back! So sorry about the idenity theft thing, that sucks. I hate those people.

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  43. deep contented sigh. so nice to have you back. and girrllll i have my stuff stolen 3 times. the last was the worse. don’t ask me how but they were able to ‘ghost’ my phone (words my bank used) which mirrored my bank app. they were able to change my password and have full access. in 15 minutes they stole $500.

    anyway. glad to hear from you.

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  44. All day yesterday I was singing in my head “tomorra, tomorra, I’ll read ya, tommora, you’re only a day awaaaay”.
    First and best read this morning, June.
    Thanks for making our day.
    And I’ve also done the clock thing.
    For two weeks.

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  45. Oh thank goodness you’re back! My world has been seriously out of kilter since you stopped posting.

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  46. My life was so boring without you sharing YOUR life with us … Glad you are back! I totally understand the thing about food cravings … So sad to hear about the pudding, ugh.

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  47. “Do you like how it’s taken me 87 paragraphs to get back to the pudding?” Yes, yes I do. That’s what has kept me coming back all these years.

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  48. My morning wasn’t complete without a bit of June!! I’m so glad you and the zoo are back!! Don’t do that again! Don’t let the haters win!

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  49. Didn’t read this post yet, just wanted to say heyyyyy (yes, I read the last line). Back after reading to really comment.

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  50. Heyyyyy. So happy to have my friend-that-I-don’t-really-know-but-I-feel-like-we’re-besties-because-blog is back!

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  51. I was on pins and needles worrying about you dropping the pudding in the store like you did with the chili. But I relaxed when you got it safely in the refridge. And then, bam! I weep for the pudding. What flavor was it? Wait, don’t tell me.

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  52. Happy days are here again! Welcome back, June!
    PS The pudding episode made me laugh out loud!

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  53. “…the propensity to wear a robe at all hours.”
    HAHAHAHA! Oh, the visual!

    So glad you websited. You can’t quit us!

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  54. The bank would have called you at 5 minutes and 5 seconds to 3, obv.
    Also, I so get the cheque realisation… Ugh
    (I would have scooped up that pudding and eaten it right from the floor – just saying)

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  55. OMG, I will make you pudding and drive it to NC, I am so happy you’re back!

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  56. I’m so happy you’re back! Sometimes it just seems the universe is against you, doesn’t it? Damn pudding.

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