June gets outsmarted by a cat. Again.

First of all, stupid Firefox (or, as cute Faithful Reader Tee once called it, Foxfire) updated and now I can’t get on WordPress. Have I mentioned how much I hate products that capitalize words in the middle of their name? FuckOff. EatShit. StopIt.

But really, Foxfire is all, “BLOCKED! THIS IS AN UNSAFE SITE.” Oh my god no it’s not.

I also saw someone hashtag colors today, on Instagram. Colors

I’m sick of everything.

Oh, and also, as I’m certain I’ve mentioned before, Steely Fucking Dan, SteelyDan, chews on clothes. He’s eaten a ton of my things, whether by climbing to the top of the closet and hanging off like a bat, by pulling things out of the laundry basket, or, when I was oblivious and had things hanging on chairs in the dining room, he just had himself a whole holiday meal at the table. I’ve thrown away probably 10 holy shirts and sweaters now.


Alternatively, I get places, such as work, and discover too late that old Mothra has had his way with another item of clothing. Once I had a date, turns out with an asshole but that’s another story, and I’d planned the ensemble but didn’t throw it on till the last minute because hashtag hair. Hashtag mauve. I can’t believe people are hashtagging colors now. We must stop this nonsense.

Anyway, literally at the last minute I threw on my date outfit, topped by a light summer cardigan, a cardigan that I didn’t notice till I got there had an enormous hole in the sleeve.

That was a first and late date. Even if he hadn’t been as asshole [Example: I mentioned in passing, as part of a larger story, an illness someone in my family had. He interrupted to say, “Wow, that’s great first date conversation.”] [Hashtag asshole] the whole thing would have been over as soon as I showed up with my holes up. Rocked out with my chaw marks out.

What do you want from me? I went to bed late.

THE POINT IS, for a week or two now, I’ve been dragging my heavy old medicine cabinet over the doorway to my bedroom closet. That room has a walk-in closet, or an eat-in closet as the case may be, and it’s also the room where SD has his special kitten meals, which, let’s talk about the absurdity of feeding that panther special kitten food so he grows up big and strong. I feel like mission pretty much accomplished, there.

But I’ll feel guilty unless I special-kitten-food him till he’s a year, which of course is nebulous depending on who you ask. The vet first said he was a July cat, but then when I brought him back for his next round of shots, they said no born-in-July cat would be this big already, so they moved his birthdate up to May, making him a year old now.

But the kid who found him on the mean streets of Jamestown, NC sent me a video from August, I think from the actual day he found SD, and SD is a teensy, barely-able-to-walk kitten. That kitten in August was not three months old. He was six weeks, tops.

So I’m feeding him extra special growing food till July. And then I’ll switch to Great Dane food.

I said “the point is” four paragraphs ago, and here you still are, captive.IMG_7213.JPG

Shit. This is the movie theater last night, not the photo I wanted. People tooling in to watch Gone With the Wind. Hang on.


At the movies with June and the invisible BRF Alex. I swear she was there, too. Oh my god, where is that picture?


Here. Here is the picture. Here is what I was leading to. HE MOVED THE MEDICINE CABINET.

He moved it. Do you have any idea how heavy that thing is? I mean, it’s gotta be 15 pounds. We bought that two years ago, Ned and I did, because our old house didn’t have a medicine cabinet and then once we got it, he couldn’t


whether we should really put bolts in the wall at a rental place. So he

hemmed and hawed

and we never put it up. But I like it so I took it and I don’t know how to hang it up myself, I think it involves a drill, and I do not drill. Hashtag don’t drill. But it served as a good cat-in-the-closet-and-the-silver-spoon deterrent, EXCEPT IT ISN’T.


I formed the thought, “Surely he won’t be able to get in now,” when I dragged that deterrent over, and I know with this cat, I should never form a “Surely he won’t” thought. Surely he won’t find an escape route out of the house when he’s four (or six) months old. Surely he won’t also find a way back in and keep scarily appearing on either side of the door when I had no part in it. Surely he won’t grow bigger than the adult cats this soon. Surely he won’t leap onto the roof from the deck like it’s nothing.

Also, sometimes my shoes are lined up nicely in the closet, and sometimes you have a goddamn medicine cabinet you have to move every time you want in there so shoe returning becomes just move the sepulcher and toss, move the sepulcher and toss.

Anyway, I gotta go. I gotta try to find any clothing that isn’t eaten, or else fight to get the Wilma Flintstone look back in style.

I’ll call you from my horn phone.



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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

44 thoughts on “June gets outsmarted by a cat. Again.”

  1. I was having all kinds of problems with Safari every time they would have an upgrade. I switched to Chrome and all my problems disappeared. ( I have a PC) When I had a Mac, Safari was the way to go.


  2. Some day I will share stories about my EVIL MEAN NASTY VICIOUS cat, Oregano. God,I loved that cat. He was a (black and white) tuxedo and, like SD, quite gorgeous. I think it’s a Male + Gorgeous thing. They think they can be assholes. They won the Good Looks Lottery, so they can be total jerks. Similar to many human males, actually.


    1. Hahaha! “Male + Gorgeous thing”, I love it! Oregano – what a great name. And Tuxie’s are always mischievous (IMO). I was totally suckered in by Jinxy (sigh, yes, that’s his name – he came with it and he knew it so I couldn’t change it) pretty boy kitten face. He’s a total lovey-love but rotten nonetheless, climbing up my LACE CURTAINS and shattering vintage glass lamps. Thank God I love him.


  3. This has nothing to do with Steely Dan, the Man of Steel, but I had to tell you about the junk mail I received. It is a credit card promotion and on the outside of the envelope in bold letters, it says, “Do the math”. The “Do the math” theme is continued on the enclosed letter. Why did I snort and think of how much you would have enjoyed receiving it?


      1. Discover Card should do the damn math!! Sending me three “invitations” a week and getting no response? 3x = 0. IDIOTS.


  4. My cat, Studebaker (fmr) once moved a grandfather clock to get at a lizard. A grandfather clock! Cats are strong especially when sized like SDS is.


  5. Okay, I have a rotten boy like SD. He’s the sweetest thing in the world but ROTTEN. Hashtag Manythingsdestroyed. He’s gotten better <-keyword, now that he's 1.5 years old. I have childproof locks on ALL MY CABINETS. Are they ugly? Yes. Has it saved my sanity? YES. I know you like having a cute house June, but Hashtag Justdoit.


  6. That cat freaks me out but I fucking love him.

    Also, when FireFox tells you a site is unsafe, you should be able to click the advanced options and continue on to the unsafe site.

    Also, also, my promotion I told y’all about last week fell through. So. I too am doomed to be in my current position forever.


  7. I hope your night at the movies was fun. Steely Dan. I have no advice, just sympathy. My first dog, Ralph, used to eat things, but only in his puppy stage. We had to put our shoes up and hide books…especially books. He grew out of it. Maybe when SD grows up real big he will stop eating your clothes?

    Lovely post, lovely June!


  8. I have too many things I want to say here (hashtag talkstoomuch). First, I am totally going to use all day today. I NEED it. Second, SD must be related to my middle daughter, who at the age of 4 completely outsmarted us, to the point of escaping locked rooms, etc. At one point, she was sneaking scissors and cutting heart shapes out of our good clothes and blankets. Then she was taping them to walls (again when we weren’t looking), like some sort of a preschooler gang sign. We thought she was possessed.


    1. OMG this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read!!!! Hashtag crying. Of course, it’s funny when it’s not happening to you but nonetheless…..


        1. Holy cripes! You have six kids?!?!? I bow before you. (I have two cats and I think it’s……a lot, haha). I had tears streaming down my face at my desk. Thank you for the laugh!


          1. Kids are easier than pets. I swear, June (and other pet owners I know) take their pets to the doctor more than I take my kids. Plus, kids toilet train after a while. Of course, cats don’t talk back or roll their eyes….


  9. Steely is gorgeous, but what a PITA with the chewing! He is someone’s emx husband in a cat suit, that’s my theory.


  10. Oh and just to add to my anti- white and grey decor rant, although I love love love Chip and Joanna Gaines and their show, she stages all those homes in white and grey. Certainly she could change it up some. I want to see those rooms after the couple moves all their stuff in! Sorry this is off- topic. However,Steely Dan is the best grey!!


    1. Further off topic, I hate it when the “stylist” tells the home owners to get rid of as much as possible in a room, especially personal stuff. I want to see all the things and see how these people live, maybe get some ideas for myself.


    2. I don’t think those people actually live in their houses. That color scheme wouldn’t last a week before it was stained in our world. The same as kitchens you see on TV. Nothing on the counters is unrealistic. A toaster, a mixer, a container of sugar – something to make it realistic!


  11. Sorry, I thought I was linking you to the exact latch. Just scroll down the page to the Nostalgic Warehouse latch. Actually, I was looking at the latch above it, Omnia, but after further consideration, SD could probably open that latch.


  12. “…he just had himself a whole holiday meal at the table.” Great Dane food!!! Hilalrious post!

    Years ago my husband and I started calling Firefox Foxfire to annoy the heck out of a friend, and it worked. He would correct us every single time we said Foxfire and our response would be, whatever. Also, too many, many years ago, 1972, the students at Rabun Gap-Nacoochee School wrote a Series of books “The Foxfire Book,” “The Foxfire Book II,” etc. as a school project. These books captured the mountain way of living like hog dressing, log cabin building, mountain crafts and foods, planting by the signs, snake lore, hunting tales, faith healing, moonshining and other affairs of plain living. They are wonderful books. Firefox was so close to Foxfire we still refer to our browser as Foxfire, just to annoy.

    Five cats ago I could not keep that little devil out of my kitchen cabinets, so we installed childproof latches on our lower cabinets to keep him out. He could still open the door, but only enough to reach his hairy paw into the door. I just removed those last year. Trudy is too scary to venture into the cabinets, unless one of the doors is open and she can just stroll in. Maybe a latch on those closet doors will help keep SD out of your closet. This would not be difficult to install.

    That theater is beautiful, and so are you. Atlanta has The Fox Theater, which was saved from being destroyed for new construction.


  13. What a beautiful theatre! Maybe you could take some more photos the next time you go so we could see even more of it? This modern world has lost it’s glamour on many levels. I wish everything could be pretty again. I don’t understand everyone under the age of 30 decorating their house in all white and grey with absolutely no personal items except what they bought at Kirkland’s. Arrgh. Anyway, SD is a bad boy. Unfortunately, even if you find a way to lock the closet he will find another source of chewing enjoyment. Hopefully this phase will end soon. Lovely post June!


    1. I SO agree about the decorating homes in all white and grey. It looks like, what I think, hell would be. No color, no accessories, no class.


  14. About 40 years ago (guessing), we used to have a beautiful, majestic theater like that. Even the grounds were beautiful They tore it down to build a Safeway, if you can believe that. So many of us are still pissed about it. I have a friend who refuses to patronize any of the Safeways just for that reason. For any of you who happen to be in the Sacramento area, I’m talking about the Alhambra.


  15. Somebody consult either your steel trap memory or your Big Book of June and remind us of which of June’s cats was Huge Kitty.


  16. My cat Leo chewed my clothes too. Bra straps, sleeves completely off shirts, hems of dresses. Leo vanished in March. Now I treasure my chewed up clothes.


  17. I learn so much here as I didn’t know cats chewed things – allergic, not much cat/panther knowledge.

    Lovely post, pretty Joon.


  18. That theater is so pretty! I see why you go there all the time.
    I know absolutely nothing about keeping cats out of places, but I definitely know about keeping toddlers out of places. Gotta be the same, right? I used to twist tight rubberbands to connect both handles. Worked like a charm!


    1. He’d chew right through it. I tried that with a kitten once and it lasted maybe 5 minute and that cat was super dumb.


  19. “Old Mothra”. Coffee out the nose funny is what that is. Hilarious post, lovely June.


  20. Perhaps one of the hook in the hole type locks for the closet doors? That should keep SD out of the closet got an extra 5 minutes.


    1. Yeah, that might work! Put it as high as you can reach, June, (making sure the doors still close at the bottom) and maybe…just maybe SD won’t be able to get it open.


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