The house began to pitch. And I’m a bitch.

"Marvin's getting married this weekend," I told Ned, "I feel nothing."

"See? That, right there. That scares the SHIT outta me. What if one day, after all this, you feel nothing for me?" I knew Ned was pointing at me dramatically, even though we were on the phone. He's in Kansas. Kansas, he says, is the name of his star.

Kansas, he says, is the

When I get to work today, Ima act like Glinda all day. I'll smile benevolently at everyone with my wand and sing in a really trilly voice. "Noon-ish, she says is the time of her deadline! Noonish, she says, is the time of her deadline."

"June, what time is the meeting?"

"Two two, two!"

My favorite line in that whole movie is, "Toto, too!" We need to incorporate that into our conversations today.

Also, I totally need a pink dress like that. What sleeves?

Anyway. He's in Kansas, Ned is, "slap in the middle of nowhere," is how he actually described it. I never knew I'd date anyone who said, "slap in the middle," but there it is.

And anyway, if you ask me, and you did by default cause you're stuck reading this, the HEALTHY response to your ex-husband getting married should be a feeling of nothing. I mean, if I felt rage or jealousy or deep sadness about the person I divorced five years ago, that might be a bad sign, right? Instead I feel a vague, Oh, good for him. And I'm Facebook friends with his new wife, and she seems cool. So what's the big deal?

Yesterday I had to write about 80 social media posts at work, not as my hobby, so I went to my hiding place. I don't know how other people get their work done in the open floor plan–I'm the only person I know who the headphones don't work for. You know how headphones are the universal sign for Do Not Disturb? About 60 times a day, I get someone gesturing at me between me and the computer screen, and then I take them off and it's all, "So how you doing?"

Seriously, why does anyone want to talk to me? I'm the crabbiest person you know.

So I can't work that way. That is why I got a hiding place at work.


I sit in this doorway, near an emergency exit, and there's a long hallway before you get there, and no reason to go here unless there's a, you know, emergency. Sometimes squirrels and birds go by the door, which is always lovely. I consider this Second Desk.


This time of year it's what you might call sunny.

Oooo, that reminds me, I get my hair cut and colored tonight. What a relief. Not only is it secretly gray, but it's all scraggeldy. I never did go back to the racist hairdresser–imagine how off the chain she is now.

Speaking of now, I've been watching all of the Mary Tyler Moore show. It's funny that they'd have a show they called that, but the lead character is Mary Richards. Anyway, on that show, they keep suggesting they do interesting things to the news, like give their opinion and not be neutral, or have funny segments, and those suggestions are always seen to be so outlandish. Oh, we'd NEVER do that.


Also, Sue Ann Nivens. Oh my god, she's the best.

Okay, I gotta go. Now that we've discussed the pressing issues of our time and all. I gotta slap something on, grab my wand and smile benevolently.


Okay, that was more fakely than benevolently.

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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

42 thoughts on “The house began to pitch. And I’m a bitch.”

  1. I am super late, but I need to say Congratulations Marvin! Best wishes to both of you!
    I am glad that you are over your relationship with Marvin so you don’t feel hurt or angry about his marriage. Yay! And, I am still so happy that you and Ned are in a 90-day money-back guarantee.
    Lovely post, lovely June!


  2. Congratulations, Marvin. Much happiness to both of you.
    I was happy when my ex remarried. We both remarried and congenially share space when family events so dictate.


  3. I went to my first husband’s second wedding but not his third. And probably won’t go when he gets married the fourth time. Now I just feel annoyed and inconvenienced by all of his weddings!


  4. People around here used to refer to the new sprawl of my city as BFE, but now they call it Saudi Aurora. And everyone knows what they mean either way.


  5. My husband’s friend referred to the middle of nowhere as “in East butt fuck”. I say it now sometimes too, depending on my audience of course. Ned’s way is “much nicer” as my beloved grandmother used to say.
    I wasn’t around for your marriage to Marvin. I’m happy that you have moved on and can wish them well. Some people never can no matter the circumstances.


  6. So my ex lived in Bay City. Because he was abusive, I feared spending any time there. He passed away about a year ago. I felt very odd about that. I have not found words to express how that felt. I can now travel to Bay City without fear.


  7. Congratulations to Marvin and the new Mrs. Plarvin! I hope she is a lover of all things plaid.
    Congratulations to you, June, on the moving on and being above all the negative crap.
    And I absolutely adore those purple dotted glasses! So darn cute!


  8. I think that nothing is a healthy reaction. I would hope that I’d feel happiness for my ex that he finally found someone who made him happy, and a little bit of sadness for “what could have been”. Provided that his remarrying would be to a man. If it was another woman he was getting remarried to, I would definitely feel something more violent. Rage, mixed with horror, I think.


  9. I like your long pretty hair June. Also, I feel like your second desk should be a bean bag chair. My butt hurts just thinking of sitting on a hard floor. Of course you don’t weigh 200 pounds like I do, so maybe it’s not as hurty for you as it would be for me.
    Anyway, lovely post June.


  10. “slap in the middle of nowhere,” I thought that was normal language…for southerners.
    Congratulations to Marvin and soon-to-be wife.
    The photo of you in all the purple is beautiful. The way the light falls, just beautiful. Nice subject. Manpoly, your hurr has really gotten long.


  11. Congratulations, Marvin.
    I love that Ned has something to lose. I don’t mean that maliciously at all. I love it for you. I love that he feels totally scared by the fact that one day you may feel nothing for him. It means you are important. Well, more than important. Necessary. There is real fear that you won’t be in his life. I am not sure anyone has ever felt that way about me (not a whine, just an observation that I choose crappity partners). The rest of what I wanted to say smacks of advice-giving so I shall stop here. Note the lack of heart emoji, also, but please understand that I wanted to put one here.


  12. I’m glad for you that you aren’t bitter or hurt Marvin is getting remarried.
    I can vividly – and I do mean VIVIDLY – remember reading your blog post in the middle of the night where you announced you were getting a divorce. I reread it three times because at first I thought you can’t be serious. And I cried for a while, there in the middle of the night while my husband and kids slept upstairs.
    You just keep getting stronger and funnier and braver all the time, which is inspiring.


  13. i think glinda is your spirit animal. although the whole ‘spirit animal’ irks. still. pink, sparkly, crown, wand the whole shizzle.
    i feel sorry for my ex’s new wife. my kids tell me that she’s a nice lady and he’s still out there dicking around.


  14. I agree, you not feeling anything just means you are over it. When my ex got married I was not at that point and had a lot of anger still. Well meaning Ex-In-Laws kept feeding me information about the wedding and the preparations, for example how the invitations were printed on their home printer, but they ran out of ink, so they were super faded. Apparently they put the wrong date and simply took a pen, crossed out the old date and wrote the correct date on top. So classy. I guess I am still a little resentful. I mostly feel nothing for my ex now, and look at him sometimes wondering how I could be soo in love and so upset over him. Your secret hiding spot looks peaceful, but uncomfortable. Are you sitting on the floor? Maybe you should put a bird Feeder out there to attract more birds to watch.


  15. My ex and I were quite young when we married and young when we divorced. We each remarried decades ago and are still married to our second spouses.
    Likewise, I wish Marvin success and happiness in his second marriage and the same to you in your retro Ned relationship.
    Are you worried that you’ve given away your secret hiding place?


  16. You LOOK like Glinda. That’s pretty much already been said, but I was a little late getting here this morning. I like your little polka-dottie glasses. Best wishes to Marvin.


  17. I choose to remember the good times: Sending Marvin out for wine, Marvin returns with mayonnaise. “I HAVE SPOKEN.” Cords. Rush. Marvin Making His Move.
    Where are you watching the Mary Tyler Moore show? I think *I’d* like to binge that. What stalker? What June-wannabe?


  18. I choose to remember the good times: Sending Marvin out for wine, Marvin returns with mayonnaise. “I HAVE SPOKEN.” Cords. Rush. Marvin Making His Move.
    Where are you watching the Mary Tyler Moore show? I think *I’d* like to binge that. What stalker? What June-wannabe?


  19. I choose to remember the good times: Sending Marvin out for wine, Marvin returns with mayonnaise. “I HAVE SPOKEN.” Cords. Rush. Marvin Making His Move.
    Where are you watching the Mary Tyler Moore show? I think *I’d* like to binge that. What stalker? What June-wannabe?


  20. You shouldn’t feel anything about Marvin except for perhaps happiness for him and fondness over your own happy times with him.


  21. I felt bad for the bride when my ex got married. Both times.
    Lovely post June. Can’t wait to see what you do with the Hairs.


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