June gives Lottie an aptitude test. Films it. Blogs it. Oh, June. How dull you are.

9:31 p.m.

The problem is, I get cockamamie ideas.

I decided to give Lottie a puppy aptitude test tonight (Google fucking "Puppy Aptitude Test"), kind of a personality test, to see if she will grow up to be psycho. In the test, they offer a series of activities to see how your pup–or, oh, spawn of Satan–reacts.

Her usual reaction to everything is "eat the cat." So.

Naturally I videotaped all of it.

Here's the intro veeeeedeo. Someone tell the newcomers why I pronounce it veeeeedeo like an asshole.



I had to call her to see if she comes cheerfully. She'd come if I put an apple in the cats' mouths.


So, she came to me. She can't be all bad. Or can she….? DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.


The next test? See if she'll follow when I leave the room. Warning: My impression of Charles Nelson Riley is so good you'll feel like he's back from the dead. Like I dug him up. Put a jaunty scarf 'round his bonez.

Is CNR actually dead?


I was so pleased, and so annoyed with myself that that video was 36 seconds, that I did it again. Oops I did it again.


Okay, she's been pretty cute, actually. When will she fuck up?! The shadow knows.


The next test involved holding that creature of Satan ON HER BACK for a full 30 SECONDS to see what she'd do. I'll tell you what I thought she'd do, and that was get out her teensy puppy gun and shoot me dead. Is what I thought she'd do.

Here are the chilling results.


So, she fussed a little and then was all, eh. Why bozzer. LOTee no she in chargg.


In the next test, I was to pet her from head to tail, to see how she'd react. I KNEW how she'd react. She'd bite the crap out of me. That's what she does when you try to be NICE and make a NICE DINNER for us to have TOGETHER and instead you decide to WORK LATE with that TRAMP from accounting.

Here's what happened. Watch what happens live.




I explain the next test, in which I must hold Lottie aloft and try to live through it. In the second video, you get quite a trip to June's bosoms. You're most welcome.




I will not show you any more after this, but there were several. My evening involved me throwing a toy and seeing if she reacted to it. I also had to bang pans and throw towels and basically I was useless all night. But here are the riveting results of the toy throw…


Finally, after all Lottie testing was done, here are the results…


And her opinion…


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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.