If Ned and Marvin got in a fight, who do you think would win?

Last night, I was still at work because HELLO BUSY when Ned emailed me. “I’m not going to the gym tonight; I’m coming straight home. Want to go out to dinner?”

I guess he read my blog yesterday. Now I feel bad. BUT THAT DAMN GYM!

I went home and there was Ned, which was exciting. It was like seeing a unicorn, with Ned being here before dark. “Where do you want to go?” he asked, knowing I’d say Filling Station, which he hates. “Filling Station,” I said.

Ned hung his head in agony. “Okay,” he sighed. He doesn’t like it there because they don’t serve anything healthy. I like it there because they don’t serve anything healthy. I get this turkey on a croissant? It has honey cream cheese and a thinly sliced green apple.

I just noticed I’d typed, “he signed,” instead he “he sighed,” like he was Marlee Matlin or something. But I fixed it, because I KNOW HOW YOU ALL LOVE TO POINT OUT MY MISTAKES IN TYPING THANKS NO REALLY THANKS.

Finally, we decided on the Mexican place, where Ned gets a fish taco, so to speak. I get taquitos. Right there is the difference between Ned and me. Ned was excited because they’d be showing his sporting event there. Did you know that there’s, like, literally one day a year that sports aren’t on? Did you know that all the other days, sports are on?

Our therapist suggested we get two TVs.

Anyway, as we were headed out, I got a bloop on my phone. Marvin Gardens was commenting on Pie on the Face, the Facebook page for people who read and abhor this blog. Oh my god, we have a new tag line.

I’m back! announced Marvin.

He’s back? He’s back from where?

“Marvin’s on Pie on the Face,” I said to Ned, then had to explain what Pie on the Face was, and given his deep interest in Facebook, I had to explain what Facebook was a little, too. “See, Ned, you can have private groups on Facebook.”

“You can?”

Yes, and you have to ask to join, and no one else can see it and so on.

Ned seemed unimpressed.

“And now, MARVIN’s on there.” I said.

Ned likes Marvin. I mean, they’ve met twice and barely talked both times, because Marvin’s band was always playing. But as you can imagine I have a million Marvin stories. The time Marvin changed his birthday on Facebook so everyone would say happy birthday to him.

The time he changed it again, later that same year.

The time my brother-in-law, who is shy, asked Marvin what to call my stepfather, who goes by Harry. “Call him Harold,” said Marvin, and my poor shy BIL went around calling him Harold for like six months.

Any time I tell a Marvin story, Ned laughs. “I think in different circumstances, Marvin and I would be friends,” he said. I guess it’s hard to be friends with the guy who’s tapping your ex-wife, although I don’t see why.

Anyway, Marvin got on PieFace and announced his triumphant return, which who even knew he was ever a MEMBER of Pie on the Face, and then he further announced he’d be having a question and answer period between 7 and 8 Eastern time.

Marvin will be here between 7 and 8 PM Eastern time to answer any questions you may have about his life, loves, and current whereabouts. Be sure to tune in!

About seven million of you gleefully participated.

“Marvin’s having a Q and A,” I said to Ned as we drove. “What the hell is he up to?”

I spent the whole dinner waiting for Ned to be interested in his dumb sports so I could surreptitiously glance at my phone.

If someone wants to start a Facebook event for this, be my guest, wrote Marvin, right before the big Q and A. Marvin. Good gravy.

Q: Is the Marvin Q & A going to be here on this thread or are we moving?

A. We’re coming over your place.
Q. Is it 7:00 yet?
A. Yes. Next question.
It went on like that for some time. People asked how many women he’s had since our breakup and he said nine, which, pfft. They asked if he missed the dogs and he said “one of them,” and poor Edsel. “Edsel’s a dick,” said Ned, when I read him the answer, and right as I did, Marvin wrote, “Edsel’s a dick.”
Q. Ginger or Maryann?
A. Ginger on Maryann.
“I’m using that answer from now on,” said Ned.
So, that was our entertainment while we ate, and I guess Marvin’s on PieFace now, so it’s like Pie on the Face, Extreme or something.
Oh, and I have some good news for you.
Photo on 9-3-15 at 6.00 PM Photo on 9-3-15 at 6.03 PM #2 Photo on 9-3-15 at 6.04 PM #2

TA DAAAAA! I put the suitcase away, and also that pink sweater that’d apparently been hiding under said suitcase. Am amazing. I also helped Ned make the bed in our room this morning.

“I’m coming in to help you make the bed!” I announced. I’d burst in with my arms wide, all announce-y.
“Because I’m a magnificent girlfriend!” I said, still holding my arms wide. Ned came over and kissed me. “You are.”
Then a second later: “But really, why?”
I guess Ned thinks I have an ulterior motive.
Have a good weekend of remembering Labor! I can’t wait to sit down and watch the entire Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon! I got my popcorn, I got my–

What? When did THAT happen?


Published by


At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.