Your dog is not a person. But she does leave photo captions.

This morning I woke up and felt like I was getting a cold. "You realize you're always getting a cold, right?" asked Ned.

I AM NOT! Okay, maybe I kind of always am. BUT THIS TIME IT'S REAL.

Anyway, today I'm going to answer more of your questions that you asked me now 16 years ago.

Sherry from TX asked,

How long did it take you and Slutty Pancakes to walk 2.6 miles?

I don't know; less than an hour. We walked the entire hour yesterday, and Slutty had a sprained ankle, and it was three and a half miles, or something. Are we thin yet?

Wait. Did I already answer that? Good gravy.

PSS asked,

What makes for a good home for a dog? We want to adopt this year, but I have such trepidation.

We have no experience with pet ownership, are away from home all day, are dealing with the distraction of a kid who isn't well, and we want to travel more. My kids and I desperately crave the love and companionship and feel a dog will bring us joy, but are we being selfish? Are we good candidates?

I say, unless you're going to literally be gone for 16 hours a day or something, get a dog and work it out. Hire a dog walker or take 'em to day care. Dogs need homes, and frankly, we're all getting so weird about them. Oh, he needs an ORTHOPEDIC bed! He needs an always-flowing water fountain!

He's a dog. He eats poop and sleeps on the gravel driveway by choice. He's not a person. Let me repeat that.

Your dog is not a person.

Get a dog.

Vic asked,

I think Ned either works for the NC department of transportation or the phone company. Am I warm?

Hah! No. He works for his family's business. Ned is in organized crime.

TXPeach asked,

Did you miss Facebook when you took your hiatus at Lent?

You know, no. Not so much. The LAST time I gave it up, the very day I got back on there, there was drama. Then this time, sure, some days I was bored and wished I could peruse Facebook, but day one. DAY ONE. Drama again. On stupid Facebook. So, maybe FB isn't such a good place for me. I feel like I need to be on it to promote this blog and my articles, but why do I even need to promote those? You all know they exist.

Amish Annie asked,

I haven't walked or worked out in two years and I'm still not thin. Am I doing something wrong, June?

Life is not fair. If a man even THOUGHT about walking, he'd shed seven pounds. If he walked to the store to buy walking shoes, he'd be a size four by the time he crossed the parking lot.

Kelly asked,

1. What's your middle name?

2. If you could only eat one kind of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Michelle. Because 1965 called. I don't think June Gardens has a middle name, does she? Unless I've been all "Call me June Sports Gardens" or "June Rational Gardens, over here." That sort of thing.

Strawberries. I could eat strawberries till I grew seeds.

Oh. I see I answered that in the comments the other day:

"JUNE'S middle name, or my real middle name? I think June's middle name would be Fuck Natural, but my real middle name is Michelle. And strawberries."

At least I'm consistent.

I also already answered this one:

TexasGirl:

What will Don Draper be doing at the end of Mad Men??

June Gardens said in reply to TexasGirl…

I hope me.

Tammi V.V. asked,

If you could live anywhere on earth right now, where would it be? If you could live anywhere at anytime on earth, when and where would it be?

Somewhere warm and beachy that had a lot of cool old houses. I'd like a screened porch that overlooked said beach. And Paris in the 1920s.

Cyn in FL- asked,

What's one question you'd ask Howard Stern?

I think I'd want to know what really went wrong in his marriage, and why does his first wife seem to hate him so much. I think it's pretty cheeky to be resentful of someone when you're enjoying his millions.

LisaPie asked,

Do you think Siren will ever come back to us?

Siren was a really cool, very interesting young girl who used to read this blog and comment here, and she was great. We all loved her. Maybe too much. I have talked to her and she isn't mad at us or anything, but she just went on to other things, I think. I also miss Matze, this hilarious foreign guy who read this blog and left great comments.

I have to go. It's late and I haven't showered, plus also this cold. This impending cold. At least you know if this DOES turn out to be a cold, I will be stoic about it and you won't hear a thing more on the topic.

I leave you with this:

IMG_3574

Talu do Edzul impresh

Published by

June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

54 thoughts on “Your dog is not a person. But she does leave photo captions.”

  1. Yeah, he had some trust issues at first. You couldn’t to go after him if he was under a bed. But he was always sweet to Maggie. I think he knew.

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  2. I hate reading that Henry’s life didn’t start out so great. I know you’ve more than made up for it in all the years you’ve had him. He’s a handsome boy.

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  3. One more thing. Years later my father developes Alzheimer’s. I would always have Henry with me when we visited. He would sit and pet Henry, he loved him. One day he said to me what a great dog he was and how he wished he had a dog like that! He almost did.

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  4. Well, my sister and I came up with this brilliant plan to surprise my father with a dog. Yeah, not the best idea but HH said we’d be the backup plan if it didn’t work out. We found Henry via petfinder. He was not too far from my sisters house in Florida. I was in MS at the time. He was just over a year old and had already been in 2 homes. My sister and her husband went to meet him. He was left outside and had some redneck jerk of an owner. My brother in law told my sister, we are not leaving this dog here! So, they brought him home and he was covered in fleas, had a UTI and worms. To make a long story short, my father said no, he did not want a dog so he went home with us. I already had a lab but it was not long after that Maggie got very sick and went I to renal failure. She was only six year old. It was Henry that got me through losing Maggie. So, I think it all worked out the way it should have.

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  5. My friend adopts retired greyhounds too. The love of her life (her dog) died completely unexpectedly one day a couple months ago when she came home from lunch. That sweet greyhound doggie was just waiting for her to get home, they were playing in the back yard and then, lights out. Oh she was devastated. Apparently they are very docile, almost sloth-like creatures. The story she tells is the very first neighborhood walk she took her dog on, it was a warm, sunny day and he plopped down under a shade tree just a few houses down and didn’t want to get up. Her other little doggie (a cute tiny yappy dog) just stared at the greyhound like what the hell, we are supposed to be WALKING, WE ARE ON A WALK!! My friend is the absolute best pet parent and has adopted two more retired greyhounds. She has one picture from a couple weeks ago, one week after adoption, and the dog looks like he is smiling. Seriously smiling. They are beautiful dogs.

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  6. My husband is a big outdoorsman, into hunting and fishing, etc. He wanted a retriever to take goose hunting. We’ve had labs before (wonderful dogs), but he wanted a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. We did our homework and found a reputable breeder a couple of hours from our house. Unfortunately for my husband, our dog didn’t inherit the hunting gene. He loves to swim and play catch, but he has zero interest in retrieving dead birds. We have a 110 pound love bug.
    Our other dog is supposedly a Hurricane Katrina rescue. Our neighbor’s daughter adopted him as a puppy from a shelter a few weeks after Katrina. She had him for about a month and a half and couldn’t take care of him. Our neighbors were getting ready to take him to the pound for her when my husband saw him, and offered to take him. He was such a difficult dog, I finally had his DNA tested to make sure he truly was a dog. He’s a total dick is what I’m saying. Turns out he’s a mix of Mastiff, Akita, and Chow. A real independent thinker. I do NOT recommend this mixture although I love him to death and he really is a good boy. He’s just different from most dogs.
    I don’t want to sound like I’m putting down shelter or rescue dogs. That’s not the case at all. We know lots of shelter dogs and they’re all wonderful. We will probably get our next dog from the shelter when the time comes.
    If y’all have some peaceful thoughts and vibes you can send down to Baltimore, they are much needed and appreciated.

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  7. They will tell you Greyhounds don’t shed. They lie. Anything with fur will shed. But Greyhounds don’t shed a lot. They have very thin fur (and thin skin); so thin that they have to wear coats when the temperature is below 45 degrees. There is dog fur on her dog beds and when the sunlight hits the floor just right, I see pieces of fur. But no tumbleweeds like when we had the Golden. Also they don’t smell like dogs, even when they’re wet. I don’t know why, but two baths a year suffices.
    And they rarely bark.

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  8. They will tell you Greyhounds don’t shed. They lie. Anything with fur will shed. But Greyhounds don’t shed a lot. They have very thin fur (and thin skin); so thin that they have to wear coats when the temperature is below 45 degrees. There is dog fur on her dog beds and when the sunlight hits the floor just right, I see pieces of fur. But no tumbleweeds like when we had the Golden. Also they don’t smell like dogs, even when they’re wet. I don’t know why, but two baths a year suffices.
    And they rarely bark.

    Like

  9. They will tell you Greyhounds don’t shed. They lie. Anything with fur will shed. But Greyhounds don’t shed a lot. They have very thin fur (and thin skin); so thin that they have to wear coats when the temperature is below 45 degrees. There is dog fur on her dog beds and when the sunlight hits the floor just right, I see pieces of fur. But no tumbleweeds like when we had the Golden. Also they don’t smell like dogs, even when they’re wet. I don’t know why, but two baths a year suffices.
    And they rarely bark.

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  10. “Life is not fair. If a man even THOUGHT about walking, he’d shed seven pounds. If he walked to the store to buy walking shoes, he’d be a size four by the time he crossed the parking lot.”
    You might think you could write something more wrong than this statement, but you’d be wrong…

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  11. We were looking for a dog and went to a place in the mall that hosted adoption events for several rescue groups. I saw then-Dewey-now-Radley, who looked sort of pit-ish and asked if I and my then-four-year-old daughter could meet him. We went in the run, let him sniff our hands, I rubbed his ears, and he rolled over on his back for belly rubs. Within five minutes, I was signing the paperwork.
    When they brought him to our house, he had never been inside one before. Or seen a cat, so he started to chase one of ours. I yelled “no!” and he dropped to his belly and crawled over to me. To this day will not touch the cats, even when they rub up under his chin or roll on their backs between his front paws and swat at his muzzle. Very obedient, very submissive, always wants to have you touching him, somehow. Fantastic with the kids, barks ferociously when someone approaches the house, … All in all, he’s the best dog.
    Previous dog was a bloodhound, and I do NOT recommend.

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  12. When we decided we were ready to have another dog, I researched breeds to see what would best suit our older lifestyle. We had a Golden Retriever that was wonderful when the kids were young, but now we are a family of adults. And I stuck with rescue groups rather than breeders. I found out about retired racing Greyhounds, and the rest is history. We have never known an easier, more laidback dog. (I had a Dalmatian growing up, and we are also familiar with Cocker Spaniels and Shih Tzus, having vacationed with them.) I HIGHLY recommend the Greyhound.

    Like

  13. When we decided we were ready to have another dog, I researched breeds to see what would best suit our older lifestyle. We had a Golden Retriever that was wonderful when the kids were young, but now we are a family of adults. And I stuck with rescue groups rather than breeders. I found out about retired racing Greyhounds, and the rest is history. We have never known an easier, more laidback dog. (I had a Dalmatian growing up, and we are also familiar with Cocker Spaniels and Shih Tzus, having vacationed with them.) I HIGHLY recommend the Greyhound.

    Like

  14. When we decided we were ready to have another dog, I researched breeds to see what would best suit our older lifestyle. We had a Golden Retriever that was wonderful when the kids were young, but now we are a family of adults. And I stuck with rescue groups rather than breeders. I found out about retired racing Greyhounds, and the rest is history. We have never known an easier, more laidback dog. (I had a Dalmatian growing up, and we are also familiar with Cocker Spaniels and Shih Tzus, having vacationed with them.) I HIGHLY recommend the Greyhound.

    Like

  15. My dogs found me, kind of. Violet (chow shepherd mix) wandered up to my ex boyfriend’s neighbor, who couldn’t keep her, and the ex convinced me to take her. She was about eight weeks old. She’s 14 now, and still extremely sassy. She won’t like what June said about dogs not being people.
    Loki was found in a ditch as an 8 week old puppy and resided briefly at a local bank a couple of blocks from my parents’ house. I agreed to foster him until we could find him a permanent home. He’s 13 now. I didn’t try too hard and he is a wonderful, sweet, dopey lab/retriever mix who is slavishly doggy like Edsel.

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  16. Sadie, I stole one dog off the side of the road and I got the other through an online dating site. No. Wait. That was Ned. I got Eds off some kind of pet dating site, and his profile pic was way hot. He failed to mention, "Consistently earnest" or even "Will love you to point of insanity."

    Like

  17. I’m curious how most of you found your dogs. I shared our SadieDog story. Seems as most of my cats found me either as strays or from a friend of a friend looking to place one of her cats, but the decision to own a dog took some thinking.

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  18. Dogs aren’t people? Oh.
    Ned is in organized crime! Fluff. Fluff.
    Hey, I like your Purple Onion article. I think your BBB blog is how I found you.

    Like

  19. Mmmmm, brown lipstick. Best worn with beige and bronze eyeshadow. We must have all looked like we’d come from a mud run all the time.
    I also say never, ever, ever get a band tattoo. You never know when a band might turn around 50 years after their heyday and release a total stinker, or come out and say some song meant something with which you do not agree. Or you grow up and realize the band sucks. I’m specifically thinking of a girl I know who got a Red Hot Chili Peppers tattoo when she turned 18. #ohhoneyno

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  20. I have always found those "Here's my tattoo of a sentence because I am so profound" tattoos to be a bit much. Besides, what if you have something completely different to say three years later? I mean, in 1996, I'd have gotten Brown lipstick soothes my soul tattooed somewhere, and now, not so much.

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  21. You must have caught my cold from the comments because I’m feeling much better. I still get that nighttime drip that gags me when I go to bed. I’ve never been able to clear my sinuses like a baseball player on a pitcher’s mound.

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  22. This is the third what-we-should-have-in-the-newsletter suggestion you've had today. I mean, are you going to join the esteemed staff? You WISH you could.

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  23. I think you keep changing your schedule on me! Also not convinced that is Lu and not Edsel. ALSO I think we should have a feature story titled PARKING WARS in the newsletter with an Onion-style article attached, because that won’t stir up anything.

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  24. Dear PSS,
    Here’s how we adopted SadieDog. After many years of cats and the passing of our last and favorite, we began thinking of adopting a dog, but which one? I started reading descriptions of dogs on Petfinder.com to try to determine what kind of dog would best fit in with our lifestyle. Over time, I figured it out and when we saw SadieDog listed with a rescue group, we both knew we wanted to meet her. And the rest is history.
    All the best for finding the right dog for your family.
    Love,
    Sadie

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  25. Zadge, too. Always ready to take Eds, should you ever kick him to the curb. As if.
    And the cold? That’ll teach you to hang with small children. Germ factories. As are funerals.

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  26. Oh my god, that is the best dog picture you have ever posted. I could make that my wallpaper. I won’t but I could. Love the doggie woggie. Kiss the go-all-Pi-on-my-ass doggie face.
    And please, no colds for you! Every time you get a COLD I go blind in one eye or my husband has to have a cardioversion, or some other calamitous thing happens in my family and we get no sympathy because June has a COLD.
    Yes, I’ve complained about this before. Don’t make me do it again.

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  27. I don't know how many times I have to tell you I can't walk Tuesday and Thursday anyway. It's like you REFUSE to memorize my SCHEDULE. Plus also, I knew walking on that was a bad idea.

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  28. Ok, so it’s something close to that.
    June Glitter Gardens?
    No, wait. June Cut-Off Cash Gardens?

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  29. Don’t get a damn cold! We have managed to walk twice in like three weeks. My ankle hates me, though. Maybe we should take today off.

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  30. Sparklefraffle was a word I made up to mean anything. For example, I have some sparklefraffle in my sinuses, which leads me to believe a cold is coming on. God SPARKLEFRAFFLE!

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  31. June, I think you DO have a middle name. Steve’s Wife, Beth would know for sure, but maybe Sparklefraffle or something like that. ??

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