A remaining pip of toilet paper

I've been out doing things all day, and in preparation for my evening, I just put toner on my face, toner that's supposed to clear away dull flakes to uncover skin that's fresh and glowing. Every time I put it on, I look in the mirror hoping to see the skin I had when I was 9, and what I saw today was skin with a teensy bit of toilet paper left on it from when I wiped the toner on myself.

I'm out of cotton balls.

The last bag of cotton balls I had was given to me by Ned, who'd bought a whole bag of them to remove the black nail polish he had on when he dressed as Sid Vicious for Halloween one year, then realized the next day that he had no idea how to remove nail polish, but then somehow figured it out. I also have his nail polish remover.

Do you suppose he Googled it? "How do you remove black nail polish?" The point is, I used up those cotton balls maybe a year ago and have been Charmin-ing it ever since.

IMG_3363But that is not why I gathered you all here today. I gathered you to tell you about going to dinner at Chris and Lilly's last night, a dinner where I may have gotten engaged to one of their dogs. A dog who is clearly over me and our impending nuptuals, but I don't care.

IMG_3360Do you guys remember two years ago, when I was taking care of business every day and also Ned when he had his wisdom teeth removed, and while Ned was convalescing I got an email or call or something from Lilly saying, I just had a freakin' baby, come see me for the 15 minutes they're letting me stay here till they kick us out on the street. Do you remember that? I do. The point is, back then they had this infant and now they have a human who says words.

IMG_3368She came out in her pajamas at 6:30, because apparently she is not a night owl despite her pajamas to the contrary, she said a few inspirational words such as "chicken" and "noisy" and also "kitty," then Lilly told her it was time to go to bed so she grabbed a glass of sherry and a book and we never heard from her again.

IMG_3393 IMG_3389
Here's why she said "kitty." Ned was obsessed with this cat, who reminded him of NedKitty, and I don't know if I've ever mentioned Ned's deep and abiding love for ridiculous NedKitty. This cat swatted at us, which then reminded ME of NedKitty. She's pretty, though.

IMG_3356Chris and Lilly have two dogs and a cat, even though they live in the country so they could have 72 more pets. You know what C and L are? Reasonable people. I'd be all, MORE ROOM FOR PETS! and head off to the 24-hour kitten store.

IMG_3367America's favorite reasonable couple.

IMG_3374We also went fishing, because did I mention they live in the country? They had roosters crowing while we fished, and I kept calling them chickens, just like their kid did, and it occurs to me her life is an actual The Farmer Says toy.

Farmer See n Say 300Oh my god, I played the shit out of that toy.

IMG_3380You can imagine how I eagerly dipped my hand right into the bucket o'worms and gleefully put said wriggling worm on my hook. A million dollars you could offer me and still I couldn't touch a worm. Fortunately, I also caught nothing, so I didn't have to worry about touching fish, either.

IMG_3383Ned was a regular Old Man and the Sea, however. He was a regular seaman. He caught two and threw 'em back in. Cause nothing's more humane than dragging something out of its oxygen source via a hook in its mouth, then throwing it back in. We're animal lovers.

IMG_3381Everyone's a comedian. He's a regular Joan Rivers. Get it? Do you?

IMG_3402We had a good time with Chris and Lilly. We always do. And they made hamburgers that were freaking delicious. They said the secret was to fry them in butter, which if you ask me is the secret to everything. And one of our topping choices was avocado, and if it were legal to mate with an avocado, I would. I would give birth to guacamole. I would give birth to Brad Pitt. I'm done now.

Ned and I can't decide what to do tonight. He proposed grilling something, but here's what happens when Ned suggests we grill at 6:00 at night. We eat at 10:00. That's what happens. So. Then he suggested we walk to the baseball game, which I am only in it for the hot dogs, but there's a chance of thunderstorms tonight. Maybe we should just drive back out to Chris and Lilly's and see if they'll feed us again.

Maybe I should just rub toner on this day and see if it comes back with a more youthful glow. Or a remaining pip of toilet paper. Maybe I should fry this day in butter.

Reasonably,

Joooooooooon

Published by

June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

23 thoughts on “A remaining pip of toilet paper”

  1. When I ran out of cotton balls, I just poured a bit of toner on my fingertips and patted it on. Now I do that all the time. The best part is that there’s no residue from cotton or toilet paper left afterward. 🙂

    Like

  2. What a fun night! That baby is so sweet! Well, all the babies featured are sweet. That dog looks like he is weary of you, and the black dog is SO cute too. I can totally see the resemblance of NedKitty with NotNedKitty there. It is like they are long lost sisters. We have cotton balls you could use if you wish. I always pull a kleenex when I need it instead. I hope you ate dinner before 10:00 last night. That made me hungry for you.
    Lovely post, June!

    Like

  3. Happy birthday, Linda. You share your birthday with my niece. Hope you did something fun yesterday to celebrate. Did you happen to go fishing or French kiss a dog? Or, perhaps, follow Deb’s recipe for Dal?

    Like

  4. Dear Chris of Chris & Lilly fame. I would like to come and live at your house, and snuzzle your toddler and hug on your animals and fish off of your deck. In a non-stalkery way. Can we make that happen?

    Like

  5. We had such a good time with you and Ned! We’ll have to have a repeat soon….maybe you’ll catch a fish next time. So surprising that with your Kilimanjaro experience, you didn’t catch anything.
    Thanks for all the nice comments about our offspring. We are pretty fond of her!

    Like

  6. We had such a good time with you and Ned! We’ll have to have a repeat soon….maybe you’ll catch a fish next time. So surprising that with your Kilimanjaro experience, you didn’t catch anything.
    Thanks for all the nice comments about our offspring. We are pretty fond of her!

    Like

  7. We had such a good time with you and Ned! We’ll have to have a repeat soon….maybe you’ll catch a fish next time. So surprising that with your Kilimanjaro experience, you didn’t catch anything.
    Thanks for all the nice comments about our offspring. We are pretty fond of her!

    Like

  8. I thought you were frenching that dog. And I said to myself “June’s love knows no boundaries”.
    Baby LilyChris is adorable! They turn into people so fast!
    Lovely post June!

    Like

  9. Sweet and funny post! Like Linda (HAPPY BIRTHDAY) wrote, it’s got everything: pets, hoots, A BABY (!), Ned…
    Glass of sherry and a book!
    I didn’t realize that life without cotton balls in the house was a thing. I’m with Heather P…I need to be stocked in cotton balls, cotton squares and cotton swabs at all times!

    Like

  10. A Saturday post! My birthday present from June. Thanks, June. It’s got it all, cute toddler, cute hosts, cute pets, cute hoots, smiling Ned, and a fabulous scenic backdrop. I want Chris and Lilly’s life, or at least their house.

    Like

  11. Great post, June! I enjoyed it so much. Thank you. You look so great. That baby is cute enough to bite! Cheeks!

    Like

  12. Everyone looks so happy and relaxed! Maybe y’all should move to the country too–then you could play with worms AND mice. Fun!

    Like

  13. Finally, a freaking photo of Ned smiling. And you’re not smiling. That is a weird mash .
    That’s what my voice to text said. I’m going with it. Also, as always, nice hoots.

    Like

  14. So much to comment on, so much, but I will remain succinct.
    #12. Thank you for posting today, Joob! And such a great post with super awesome pictures!
    xvii. BabyChrisLilly…look at them feetsies!!! Cuteness overload, that baby/toddler girl oozes sugar.
    a. Speaking of cuteness overload, um, every picture of Ned here.
    b. I’m off Ned.
    c. Want to comment more on the funny and other pictures but don’t want to be my typical comment self hog.
    36. Nice hoots Junebug, and cute sweater too, what little there was covering said hoots.
    xyz. Dangit! No time to discuss that gorgeous NotNedKitty cat!!!

    Like

  15. Chris and Lilly’s little girl is so cute. Love her big smile.
    Deb, we recently went to an Indian wedding with a huge dinner at the reception. All the food tasted the same…HOT. I honestly could not tell the difference between the chicken and the vegetables because my mouth was on fire!

    Like

  16. I crashed over to the comments section to give you advice about not wearing that lipstick you have on in the first picture as the color does you no good. NO GOOD. And then I realized it was the dog’s nose.
    I made Dal for dinner – it is some Indian dish which may or may not be good, but by my hand has turned into a taste abomination. We are bringing it to an Indian themed dinner party. I hate Indian food (except Naan, cause, carbs), so that should sit well with my current migraine brought on by an early morning MRI to check for tumors in my head/neck. YES, I am a delight at parties, why do you ask?
    Enjoy whatever it is you are going to have for dinner. Because it will most definitely be better than what I have going on.

    Like

  17. Yikes! Has it been two years already? That precious baby has grown into an adorable little girl. Chris and Lilly are living your dream life, especially, with their bucket o’worms.

    Like

  18. Chris & Lilly’s baby is beyond cute!! And look at those toofers! She looks like a mini Chris.
    Sounds like a lovely spring evening.

    Like

  19. Chris and Lilly’s farm seems so peaceful. And that baby is scrumptious with or without butter.
    I love how you and your purse didn’t even make it in the door before you had to stop and makeout with a dog.

    Like

  20. Well, I for one am happy to see a Saturday post. What a lovely time you had at Chris and Lily’s. Their baby is adorable. The last picture of Ned is a good ‘un. I couldn’t help but wonder if the fish maybe slid in his mouth a little after that picture was taken. Because funny. And everything’s better with butter.

    Like

Comments are closed.