Probe June

My new iPhone will not make phone calls. Which, I know everyone forgets that smartphones are supposed to be PHONES for making CALLS, but that's what smartphones are. Just a little reminder from June. And I actually call people, still. So a phone that, oh, can be used as a phone would be nice. Does it seem like I am ALWAYS having trouble with phones?

The guy at AppleCare finally said, "This is beyond me" and I got to speak to some guru on a mountain somewhere. He couldn't fix it, either, so now I have to call AT&T. I'm sure that will be brief and un-hold-y.

In the meantime, tonight we're going to Chris and Lilly's to fish and have dinner, not that we'll be eating any fish we caught, although that'd be very farm-to-table of us. But you know I like to go there in the spring, although they've technically moved from the farm to a house across the street. So there may actually be no baby chicks in my evening. Unless we eat them.

But anyway, I am here, now, writing to you, and look how in the moment June is. (pfft.) I thought I'd answer more of the questions you had for me the other day. I hope they involve fishing tips, because apparently I'll be able to give those. You know, I HAVE been fishing BEFORE. I like fishing. No one ever thinks I like to do anything outdoorsy, and you all forget that time I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro.

MissusB asked…

What is the one thing you really want to accomplish before you either become too old to do it, or die?

(Ned is in the bathroom and just exclaimed, "Goll-LEE," like he's Gomer Pyle. "What's wrong, Ned?" "Bunch of goddamn hair in this drain is what's wrong," groused Ned. He should really cut his hair. Is what I think.)

Wait, did we already answer this question last time? I can't remember. For me, whenever anyone talks about something they want to do before they die, it always involves athletics. Run a marathon, bike Mt. Kilimanjaro, whatever. And I've already done those. So I guess write a book. Kiss a leopard. I think I already did this Q. God forbid I go look.

Sherry from TX asked…

How long did it take you and SP to walk 2.6 miles?

Slutty Pancakes and I are allegedly walking during our workdays now, although this week it rained like a mug and has been impossible. Last week we waked 2.6 miles at lunchtime, at a blistering 16-minute mile. You do the math. I mean, literally, you do the math, because you know how I am.

Jen V said…

How is Lily? Has Tina Doris' ghost ever returned?

Lilly is excellent. You want me to go find her and photograph her in her element? Ima take a wild stab and assume she's on the bed. Hang on.

IMG_3335I was wrong. I could be like Fonzie and say I was wrr. Wrrrr. Remember how he could not say he was wrong? No wonder Pinkie Tuscadero left him.

Anyway. Lily was on the rug in the hall with Iris. She usually has a routine where she sits on me at night in the living room, then comes to bed with me till Ned comes to bed, then he summarily removes her fluffy ass from the room, till morning, when she goes back on the bed all day. She's an active cat. Last week she biked Mt. Kilimanjaro so she could fish off the top.

IMG_3333Tallulah's in here with me, apparently feeling coquettish. She's still my blog muse.

IMG_3337NedKitty's on top of the wardrobe, as she is wont to be. In a few weeks, she'll be 15. You'd never know it. Bitch be cray. She'd be one of those old people who goes to Studio 54 and swims Mt. Kilimanjaro every day.

Dear June, There is no Studio 54 anymore. 1979 ended a long time ago. Love, The World.

NedKitty and Iris had a big fight last night, for a position on the bookshelf. They both like to sit on the bookshelf, and Iris got up there when NedKitty was already there, and they had a big bitchslap fest till finally this happened.

IMG_3329Cat standoff.

Oh my god, you answered the question, June. Oh! But yes! Tina Doris' ghost HAS returned. TD? Tell us about it in the comments.

PJ asked…

In an unfamiliar locale, would you rather drive or navigate?

Drive. Because someone else has to navigate. My grandmother had the arthritis, and she'd say, "I can't hardly navigate." Me, either. And I don't have arthritis. Well, technically I do, in one knee, the same knee she'd rub absentmindedly while she watched her stories. Not that I had my grandmother's knee put in, but in a way, I did.

Oh my god, you've answered the question, June.

LaUral asked…

What age do you want to look?

If you had $1 million and had to spend it, what would you spend it on?

Five places in the world you want to see before you die?

I'd like to look 25. Is that too much to ask? Okay, what if people said, "God, you look 30!" Nothing wrong with wanting to look 30, is there? If I had a million dollars, I'd spend it on plastic surgery to look 30. I just asked Ned, "If I had a million dollars, what would I spend it on?" "Me," he said.

That was funny. Then he said, "You'd spend it on eye makeup and mashed potatoes." God, he knows me. Plus, there's my eternal life's quest to find the perfect lipstick and purse. Once I found those things, I'll probably die the next day.

As for five places I want to see, one of them would be Barry Gibb's junk, then four baby leopard heads. …Do you mean locales? Travel makes me nervous. A beach with pink sand, maybe New Zealand because that's interesting, maybe Italy because I'm hungry, oh and New York! I've never been to New York. Is that five? Because I have to go. I have to get in the shower so I can go to work. We're having massages at work today. I'm signed up at 1:40. Do not let me forget. You know I'll forget.

Okay, bye. I'll call you later. Oh. Wait…

Published by


At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.