Phat

Yeah. So, I got fat again.

Last fall, I got prescribed Topamax for my migraines. My doctor warned me that the two biggest side effects were skinniness and stupidity. Okay, he used words like "cognitive" and "weight loss," but he meant riby and idiotic.*

Which, you know, yay! I figured I could stand to go down a few IQ points if it meant losing weight without trying.

And oh, it was lovely. I remember going shopping with Chatting at the Sky, and she suggested we stop for lunch, and I was all, "Lunch? Why?" I mean, sure, we'd stomped through 86 stores for the last four hours. And this made her hungry?

So we went to a deli, and I got a cup–a cup!–of tomato soup and some Pelligrino. Really, I was just in it for the Pelligrino. I couldn't have been unhungrier. And then of course the Pelligrino didn't taste right because the other side effect of Topamax is carbonated beverages taste just repulsive.

Girl, I just wasn't hungry. And I lost 15 delightful pounds. Sure, I couldn't remember where I lived, or what "editor" meant, which was kind of a shame because it's my job title. But so what?! Look at my butt!

Finally, my doctor made me stop with the Topamax–and do you like how I haven't mentioned migraines once? Yeah. It helped with the migraines. But according to my doctor, my Forrest Gumpiness wasn't worth it.

Says him. Cause now I have gained 10 pounds back and oh! This is so depressing. And I have such a careful, healthy diet. Pop Tarts, Big Macs, Lay's products. I mean, I'm meeting all my food groups of sugar, fat, caffeine and alcohol. What gives?

Last week I went to a yoga class with a coworker in the hopes of getting all yoga-y looking. You know those yoga women, all long and lean and cantaloupe-sliced-in-half-butted.

At the yoga class? They wanted us to HANG. UPSIDE-DOWN. From a swing. A flimsy cloth swing. My coworker did it. She gleefully hung there like a bat for 15 minutes. I did it for eight seconds and got horrified and left.

So I guess I have to join Marvin's gym. It's walking distance away. Maybe Marvin and I can be one of those buff couples, like Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen. Do you enjoy my current reference? Maybe I should cut out the moon pies and sassafras while I'm up, too.

Does anyone have any weight loss tips? Oh, and give me some I'm-bringing-my-lunch-to-work healthy suggestions other than a turkey sandwich, because if I see another one of those I'm going to grow talons.

*(My grandmother used to say "riby" when someone is skinny. Is it a real word or is it one of her made-up things, like how she said "horse shit sailor" when she dropped something?)

Published by

June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

60 thoughts on “Phat”

  1. I also was taking Topamx for migraines. It made me goofy–my family began to wear name tags and made me carry directions on how to get home from work. It also made my hands numb. So not only was I stupid, I was clumsy.
    What it did not do was make me lose weight. Where is the justice in that? Because, to tell the truth, the only reason I started to take it was that I heard one of the side effects was weight loss.
    So here I am–still having migraines and still fat……sigh……

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  2. When you were on Topamax, did you share a certain extra closeness with Marvin, because you suddenly had one more thing in common?

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  3. Hmm, I’m thinking that your definition of “fat” and my definition of “fat” are two totally different things.

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  4. Yeah, doing lots of yoga doesn’t always mean lean, unfortunately. I did it pretty solidly (Ashtanga, no less, the yoga that Madonna does), 4 times a week for like 6 months and didn’t see much of that long leanness. I did, however, get some toned upper arms and I was much stronger (like lifting a 40+ pound bucket of drywall mud with relative ease). But long and lean? No. At 5 feet tall and terminally bulky thighs (even at 92 lbs), I will never be long and lean.

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  5. Mix strength training workouts with cardio (every other day or workout) – You should check the classes at Marvin’s gym to see if they have a lifting class for women. Also, eat more fruits and vegetables, less starches and sugars. I am pretty sure extra chili on your chili dog would count for the vegetables part. πŸ˜‰
    If you have an iPhone you can download a free app called Lose It that makes it super easy to keep track of food and exercise. Otherwise, I’d say get obsessive about a notebook, becuase people that write down all their food lose more weight than people that don’t. And someone mentioned the Eat This, Not That book, which is awesome for restaurant and fast food eating.
    Oh! And one more thing. I highly recommend The Bar Method videos – this woman is in her sixties and you can bounce quarters off her. I’ve been doing her videos for almost a year, and while I haven’t refracted any spare change, the shape of my legs, waist, and seat have changed dramatically. Since I combined the videos with some of the (2000) things I mentioned above, I have gone down 2 sizes and close to 15 pounds, finally gotten to a weight I’m happy with, had had to buy new skinny jeans because the old ones are too big. πŸ™‚ I know 15 pounds doesn’t sound like much compared to some of the other ladies’ weight loss, but I think the last 10-15 pounds are the hardest. πŸ™‚

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  6. brush your teeth.
    any time you want to snack on something, brush your teeth. Right after dinner is over, brush your teeth.
    Dental care AND weight loss!

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  7. I think it should be ribby too. Go back on the topamax. And if you figure out how to score some from a street dealer please take me with.
    I deserve bonus points for the “and” and the preposition at the end of, no?

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  8. Starve yourself, sweetheart. I know that the media says that if you starve yourself, your body will cling to your fat, and you will be large. But, this is a lie from the pit of Hell. No one ever emerged from a concentration camp with fat on their bones. See? Starve Thyself.

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  9. Looks like you have all the food groups covered. I asked my doctor for a prescription for a weight loss aide and she wrote Weight Watchers on a prescription, the skinny bastard.
    I hate being overweight, especially because my husband is riby.

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  10. Wow, all those tips above! You need to balance it with happy realism: Middle Age Is A Woman’s Mid-Section’s Biggest Enemy. Unless someone is genetically blessed, or able to embrace the change in their body as reflecting the road they’ve traveled, I believe the quote is “Thou shalt surely struggle.” Excuse me while I go stick my fingers down my throat. πŸ™‚

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  11. Am laughing hysterically. I’m sure the dogs think I sound like a hyena. I’m imagining you, a Big Mac and yoga, then stomping out of yoga.
    I have no weight loss tips, hence the back rolls.

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  12. My grandmother would say someone was “chuffy” if they were gaining weight.
    Thanks for the prep clarification….I knew it must be so when I saw that my former English teacher had written a letter to the editor of the local paper …with a prep at the end!
    And….beginning a sentence with “and”….yes??

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  13. OMG I’m mortified at the grammar and spelling mistakes I just posted. Gulp. I hope I haven’t lost all credibility.

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  14. I love this topic. You’re going to get an earful from me.
    You have to train yourself off the junk food, girl. It tastes good because you’ve eaten it your whole life. Once you get off it, you won’t miss it (ok, except about once a year I miss it, so I let myself get a butter burger at Culver’s and then am reminded why I don’t eat this stuff… it tastes good for the first minute, then afterwards it’s naptime.) This isn’t about following rules, or limiting yourself; it’s about changing what you like.
    It took me a long time to get to the point of junk food not tasting good, but it started with forcing myself to try one or two new things that I new were healthy but I wasn’t sure would make me feel full. Just keep doing it, if you slip up, you slip up. Just keep doing it.
    For example, if you normally buy potato chips whenever you go shopping, buy the darn things, but also make yourself buy a bag of cherries or grapes or something like that. Then when you want the chips, make yourself eat some cherries first. If you still crave the chips, eat them and get over it already. No guilt allowed. But keep making yourself make the right choice first. You can even think of it like “I’m going to reward myself with potato chips after I eat this orange.” Eventually, eventually, your taste preferences will change!!
    Another trick: If you’re preparing to make dinner (I’m pretending you cook, here) for friends or Marvin, plan your meal as you would. but then in addition buy some fruit or vegetable you’ve never had before. Serve it as a side dish as an “experiment” so there’s no pressure if you end up hating it. I did that with friends once, and they thought it was silly, but we all ate it (I think it was a lemon cucumber).
    Wine connoisseurs spend years developing their palate. Think of yourself as become a connoisseur of healthy eating, and you just need to develop the palate.

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  15. Laughing Cow Light spreadable cheese. It’s great on sandwiches in place of cheese or mayo. Add tons of cucumbers, red peppers, etc. It’s only 1 WW point! And if you put it on a Thomas’ Better Life (I think that’s the name) english muffin, that’s only 1 point as well. Laughing Cow is good on crackers or veggies as well. Lots & lots of fresh food, tastes good, too! Yum.

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  16. I always take my lunches to work, it’s a budget thing more than a health thing though. I take leftovers from the night before’s dinner or salads with a protein (tuna, chicken, ham, etc) or cruskits with cottage cheese and tomato – heaps of variety. I bring a bag full of food each Monday and see if I can eat it all by the end of the week.

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  17. Bye Bye Pie has come full circle! πŸ™‚ Do you still have the treadmill you used in Tiny Town? If so, you should sell it and use the cash to buy Topomax from a dealer on the street, as Shana suggested. πŸ™‚

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  18. I say go back on the Topomax. Maybe that doctor is just playing God and wants you to be fat. Maybe you should tell him God wouldn’t have invented Topomax if he didn’t want you to take it and be riby. Or maybe you can try to score some Topomax from a dealer on the street. Oh, the blog fodder you’d have.

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  19. I enjoy grapes soaked in rum. That would be a good lunch. I have been losing the same 3 pounds for ten years now. Also, for dinner, any vegetable cooked in Balsamic Vinegar is to die for, makes them less vegetabley. As for a workout regimen??? I do tens of push ups a year and take the stairs. Or park really far away when I go out for icecream. My husband can’t keep his hands off me, so what do I care?
    Really, look into the grape thing, yum. Also, you can roast them as well. Double yum.

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  20. June I lost 35 pounds in 4 months and all I did was eat healthy, no sugar, no starch. I eat 6 small meals a day and I even have desert. I also do what is called Medical Yoga 4 days a week. Which means you do 30 minutes twice a day. I would suggest you go to the doctor and have them run a full blood panel. As women get older they stop absorbing nutrients from their food. Not that you’re old, I just mean it’s something to think about in the far distant future.

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  21. I have to say: trying to eat 1300 calories or anything that involves “just a teensy bit of olive oil” without, you know, DYING seems unreasonable to me. Perhaps that’s why I’m a size 12 instead of an 8 these days?
    Consider getting Wii Fit for the exercise, though you’ll have to tie Tallulah outside while you do the hula hoops.
    As for food, the Mayo Clinic has had lots of success with weight management. I lost weight just by trying to eat their recommended 5 servings EACH of fruit and vegetables per day. Even when you don’t restrict other foods, just eating that volume of plants will help you feel better and lose weight.

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  22. Lots of fresh foods, veggies, fruits, etc. Cook using olive or canola oil. NO transfats-read the labels to be sure. Go for whole grain breads, rolls etc. Avoid fatty or fried foods, processed foods and decrease amount of desserts, pastries etc. I can’t keep desserts in the house due to lack of willpower. I’ve lost 40 lbs. in the past two years and kept it off. Once in a while will sneak some frozen yogurt or cookies into the house, but that is very rare.

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  23. OK- now that I have given you the keys to the kingdom in terms of my weightloss secrets I have an important question for you… (yes I knwo it’s not ‘Ask June Day’, but then again when is it EVER ‘Ask June Day’?!?!)
    Has it become acceptable to end a sentence with a preposition? More and more in ‘professional’ writing, I see it happening and my 8th grade Language Arts teacher starts screaming inside my head when I see it.

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  24. Weight Watchers – only thing that’s worked for me….taught me that it didn’t matter if I exercised, I could eat enough in 5 minutes to put the calories I expended back on.
    But what are you doing about the migraines?

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  25. Cocaine & heroin have always helped me keep my weight down. They’re especially helpful now that I’m pregnant.

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  26. This will sound positively goofy, but try eating with your other hand. As in, righties eat with their left hand and lefties eat with their right. Because you’re not used to doing it, you concentrate more and go slower. This gives you the chance to really focus on how much you’re eating, plus the *I’m full* message has a chance to get to your head before you wolf down 75 moon pies.

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  27. I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease last Wednesday and have been on a gluten-free diet since that time. I have already lost a few pounds, due to the fact that there are only 7 things on God’s green earth I can eat! πŸ™‚

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  28. I have no weight-loss tips other than birthing babies. Cause that’s a guaranteed 10-15# drop in one day.
    But I might try The Furry Godmother’s diet up there. I’ve hit a plateau, so I’ve got to try SOMETHING to get these last 10 lbs off.

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  29. I have no tips, but as a true Southern girl, I have to correct you. It’s moon pies and RC Cola. Now I’m really craving a moon pie.

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  30. I need some Topamax. I’m a stay at home mom so I don’t need to be smart.
    If you join the gym, see if they have BodyPump classes. It won’t make you lose weight, but it will make you toned and strong. I’m obsessed (but not skinny).

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  31. myfooddiary.com is very helpful.
    And you 10 pounds heavier than you were is still t-t-t-tiny!

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  32. A few years ago I lost 40 lbs (and then got into a relationship that not only played into my existing bad habits but gave me some brand new ones, so I gained almost all of it back). Besides what has already been mentioned, one thing I did was not eat anything after 7:00 pm. Once in awhile, if I was so hungry in the evening that I thought it would interfere with sleep, I would drink a glass of lowfat milk, but for the most part I had dinner around 6:00 and then was done consuming calories for the day.

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  33. Me, hating diets and loving dip top ice cream cones, will gladly walk 3 miles a day in order to keep myself from ballooning awkwardly out of proportion. Hand weights once a week help boost the metabolism too…I’m all about being able to eat more and diet less.

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  34. According to my doctor there is some miracle weight lose magic: diet and exercise. DAMN IT! I want the Taco Bell and Laying on My Ass Watching HGTV diet to work.
    I am unusual. I lose weight when I am on the pill and I also lose TONS of weight when I am pregnant. Pregnancy has been the very best diet I have ever found. Eat what I want, when I want and lose copious amounts of weight. Sigh. Too bad pregnancy doesn’t last forever.
    Once the kids head back to school I will be rising at 5:15am to either go for a walk or do Wii Fit for 30-45 minutes. I think the diet will get back on track when we are solidly back into our routine. I also plan to buy some dumbbells to work on these bingo arms of mine. The plan is do reps of arm exercises while watching TV at night. We’ll see how it goes…

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  35. Myfooddiary.com. Awesome!!!! $9.00 a month and it helps track calories, exercise, and all of your nutrition information for each day. I’ve lost 20 pounds and feel great! We also ride our bikes 4-6 miles every morning too. I’ve tried to tell myself this isn’t a diet, it’s a new way of life that helps me feel better. I don’t think hanging upside down from a swing would do that for me.

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  36. I’ve been ‘dieting’ for 4 1/2 years now. But was stuck for almost a whole year. Recently cut out processed food and refined carbs, and started losing again. But best of all, I am not hungry, and I don’t crave food. I actually started adding more healthy oil to my food too.

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  37. Honest to goodness, the most success I’ve ever had with weight loss was the South Beach Diet. The first 2 weeks are absolutely brutal because you cannot eat ANYTHING that tastes remotely sweet (including fruit, sigh). Well, I guess you can put sweetnlow in your coffee, but that’s about it. That’s level 1 and you will easily lose at least 5 pounds this way.
    (oh and I’m writing this from memory when I did it 5 years ago, so I recommend grabbing the actual book and looking over it)
    After the first 2 weeks, you progress to level 2 where you can introduce healthy sugars and carbs (ie fruits & whole grains). Someone in your comments said that whole grain pasta is nasty, and yes, some brands you would be better off eating the box it came in than the actual pasta, but after 2 weeks going carb free 1)any carbs will taste amazing and 2)Barilla pasta in the yellow box. I cannot recommend it enough. Get the thin spaghetti or the angel hair. YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (and yes, I really mean it when I use all those ‘m’s’)!!! You stay on level 2 (you’re supposed to get a decent amount of exercise, but really if you’re taking Tallulah on a walk every night that’s probably plenty) until you get to your goal weight and then progress to level 3 in order to maintain. I never made it to level 3 b/c I got pregnant with my first kiddo when I still had like 2 pounds left to lose. Whatever. Close enough if you ask me.
    Oh, and fwiw, I lost about 40 pounds on this plan so it really does work well and quickly and not have you ready for a heart attack or anything.
    Good luck!

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  38. Most days for lunch I bring leftovers. Pork tenderloin, crock pot bbq (pork or chicken), salmon, tuna and noodles, rice and beans, and baked potatoes (with some kind of beans and cheese and sour cream mixed in) all require little effort and make enough for several meals. I don’t mess around with froufy salads and sorry little sandwiches at lunchtime cause then I’m starving at 3 and wind up eating junk anyways.
    Also recently I’ve learned that stopping your birth control pills does wonders for weight loss. But that tip only works if you’re taking birth control pills. And I try not to eat carbs after lunch, and try not to eat period after about 7:30. Oprah recommended that winner.

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  39. I think Roxie’s Mom wins comment of the week. My trainer (yes, paying for the privilege of sweating and being yelled at) gave me a good formula – carb and a protein for breakfast – eat a healthy, filling lunch (sandwich or soup/salad is too light and won’t help you get through the day) and a protein and vegetable for supper (no other carbs).
    I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last two weeks.

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  40. I love tuna for lunch, either by itself or in sandwich form. I used to mix it with fat free mayo but lately I’ve just been doing a teeny bit of olive oil and lemon. Oh, and pickles, I LOVE pickles so I put a lot of those in too.
    And Lean Cuisine has a lot of good stuff, but I always need a snack about 2 hours later. That may be all in my head though.

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  41. I’m a big fan of flavored lunch meats. Rosemary and sun dried tomato ham is my current favorite. I also use whole wheat wraps and just a teensy bit of mayo.

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  42. I lost a lot of weight over a four month period after I broke my left ankle and leg and badly sprained my right ankle, had surgery, ended up in a wheelchair, developed blood clots, went back to the emergency room, ICU and cardiac care, all while taking care of two elderly parents who were (simultaneously) in and out of emergency rooms, hospitals and nursing homes. I tried to shop around a diet book (Chapter One: Break a Leg!) but couldn’t find an agent.

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  43. I suggest hunger for weight loss.
    I’ve been following the points/weight watchers for 2 weeks now (no meetings or anything formal – have lost 8 pounds.

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  44. Ok, I’ve got to ask, how does one pronounce riby? ‘Cause the way it’s written, I want to say “rye-bee,” which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. If it’s describing the kind of skinniness where the ribs are sticking out, I want to insert another B in there and make it ribby.

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  45. All I can tell you is that the skinniest girl in our office eats the same thing for lunch every single day.
    Cottage cheese with walnuts, dried cranberries, and seasonal fruit.
    And riby? Whoo! Yeah.

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  46. we’re doing the “skinny bitch” diet here at our house, i hate to tell you, but i’m already skinny so guess who i get to be?
    ~misschell
    OH & i’ll be post “my day today in photo’s” tomorrow, i didn’t see that till late last night…

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  47. I have been dieting for the last two months and have lost twenty-one pounds on a diet I made up of a lot of other diets. No carbs after lunch. Three hundred or so calories per meal. Two or three hundred calorie snacks twice a day. Keep the calorie count to about 1300-1500 per day. No processed foods, white flour or sugar. The kicker that busted my metabolism? Doing TWO workouts a day. Twenty minutes each.
    But the good thing is that I’ve been drinking alcohol and two days out of the week you move the calorie count up to around 2100 calories.
    I know this is the place where you want me to say, “Psyche!” only I’m. Not. Kidding.
    My husband’s lost twenty-five pounds.
    One of my buds and I were having lunch and she said I should have my own work out video. I decided it would consist of me running in a circle, staring at my huge ass and screaming hysterically.
    Okay. I need to get back to my life. This recuperating is making me self-absorbed. Like THAT wasn’t a problem already.

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  48. I have been dieting for the last two months and have lost twenty-one pounds on a diet I made up of a lot of other diets. No carbs after lunch. Three hundred or so calories per meal. Two or three hundred calorie snacks twice a day. Keep the calorie count to about 1300-1500 per day. No processed foods, white flour or sugar. The kicker that busted my metabolism? Doing TWO workouts a day. Twenty minutes each.
    But the good thing is that I’ve been drinking alcohol and two days out of the week you move the calorie count up to around 2100 calories.
    I know this is the place where you want me to say, “Psyche!” only I’m. Not. Kidding.
    My husband’s lost twenty-five pounds.
    One of my buds and I were having lunch and she said I should have my own work out video. I decided it would consist of me running in a circle, staring at my huge ass and screaming hysterically.
    Okay. I need to get back to my life. This recuperating is making me self-absorbed. Like THAT wasn’t a problem already.

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  49. I have been dieting for the last two months and have lost twenty-one pounds on a diet I made up of a lot of other diets. No carbs after lunch. Three hundred or so calories per meal. Two or three hundred calorie snacks twice a day. Keep the calorie count to about 1300-1500 per day. No processed foods, white flour or sugar. The kicker that busted my metabolism? Doing TWO workouts a day. Twenty minutes each.
    But the good thing is that I’ve been drinking alcohol and two days out of the week you move the calorie count up to around 2100 calories.
    I know this is the place where you want me to say, “Psyche!” only I’m. Not. Kidding.
    My husband’s lost twenty-five pounds.
    One of my buds and I were having lunch and she said I should have my own work out video. I decided it would consist of me running in a circle, staring at my huge ass and screaming hysterically.
    Okay. I need to get back to my life. This recuperating is making me self-absorbed. Like THAT wasn’t a problem already.

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  50. No white flour, do whole grain everything (except pasta which is nasty so just eat less), check out the menshealth website for the Eat this, not that stuff. Did you know if you get thin crust instead of regular crust you can eat twice as much? And then exercise a lot. Oh…and no soda.
    I like salads for lunch. Bagged salad, some protein (chicken, steak, tuna) and a teensy bit of dressing. No croutons, no sunflower seeds.

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