Ask June 612: The Revenge of Michael Meyers

Can you tell I am running out of things to call Ask June? I mean, every Friday I am supposed to come up with a new name for Ask June. Does anyone have any good ideas?

And speaking of good ideas, let's spray it and not say it. Who won the Love's Baby Soft giveaway, you ask? Are you all a-tingle?

Some of you tried hard, and some of you tried soft to win the perfume and Bonne Bell Lip Smacker, whose flavor I would announce had I actually gone to the drug store to buy it yet. But the big winner was Joanna, who I am not even kidding you won because I had Marvin pick a random number, but look at her ridiculous comment, which I will put in Love's Baby Soft pink:

"When I was younger I was an orphan. All I really wanted was a mom and dad. Every time the potential parents would come to the orphanage my fellow orphans and I would clean ourselves up, brush our hair and put on our best outfits. We would line up and put on our saddest faces (or smiles depending on what we thought the potential parents would enjoy). But, alas, every time another child would get picked. One day a very well-to-do couple came to pick out their child and, again, I was not picked. They gave the rest of us children some Love's Baby Soft as a gift. I had the exact set you have now. I drew a face on each of those bottles and called them Mom and Dad. Right before I turned 18 and moved out of the orphanage (you see how I never got adopted?) I was packing and my Mom and Dad rolled off the top bunk and shattered into a million pieces while sending a lovely pungent scent into the air. I would do anything to have a second chance at a family June. Please send those wonderful perfumes to me. Also, my kids would like to meet their 'grandparents.' Thanks."

Seriously. Like I wasn't gonna send her her mom and dad. And Joanna, if you have a particular flavor Lip Smacker you'd like me to try to find, just let me know. You poor orphaned thing.

But enough of bad giveaways and phony sob stories. Let's inhale the sweet smell of Ask June, shall we?

Nancy McKee asks, "I have a trip planned to Mackinac Island in late June and need to plan my itinerary. I have never traveled into the far northern netherlands and, being a GRITS, don't know what goes on up there. Could you give me some ideas on places to stop and visit? No museums, theme parks, etc where there might be families with their precious little angel/devils…..My interests include: oddities, junk, fabric, shoes, food, craft fairs."

Oh, Nancy. Mackinac Island is nice. I mean, it's touristy, but it's also pretty cool. We went there for part of our honeymoon. You know there are no cars on the island, right? Now, listen. If you can save your pennies, I cannot recommend highly enough that you stay at The Grand Hotel. It's where we stayed, and I stayed there when I was a kid, too, and it is TO DIE FOR. It's where they filmed Somewhere in Time with Christopher Reeve. Stay there. Listen to me.

Does anyone else have untouristy things for her to do there? The only thing I know to tell her to do is stop in and say hey to my Uncle John in St. Ignace across the way, there. Cause, you know, I was on my honeymoon and 10 when I was there. Not at the same time.

Also, what's a GRITS?

M queries, "Dear Cat Lady June, Will you help me name my new kitty? I'm having trouble coming up with a name for her. You would too if this was only about your 9,000th cat. Thanks!"

Felicity. (My Aunt Mary is good at cat names, so I called her and she came up with it.)

Jan ponders, "Does it bother your mother that you are not going to have children? Did she really want grandchildren? Has she ever tried to convince you to change your mind?"

Dear Jan: Yes, yes, and also yes. Did it work? No. Did it work even for a minute? No. The good news is, one of my really good friends lives in my hometown and has a little girl, and for the first few years of Emma's life my mother took care of her a few days each week while my friend worked. So my mother has kind of a pseudo grandchild. Plus, she has three lovely grandcats (four if you count my stepsister's cat Duncan) and a delightful granddog. Things could be worse. I could have married Rush Limbaugh or something. Wouldn't THAT have gotten her goat?

Is "kind of a pseudo" really bad English?

Jan, who I assume is the same Jan as above and who asked me three different questions on the same day and clearly needs a Junetervention, asks, "Do your pets have middle names?"

Those of you who have pets, don't you end up calling your pet all sorts of things that aren't his or her original name? Like, my old cat Mr. Horkheimer eventually became Sam Foley Horkheimer, even though I never officially gave him a first or second name. He just kind of had "Mister" for a first name, like the bad guy in The Color Purple.

That said, yes. It would appear that Francis is somehow Fran Ellen, even though he is a boy cat. Tallulah is Tallulah Blueberry Gardens, and Winston and Henry do not have middle names. Winston's last name is Tripper, though, because when we first got him Marvin tripped over him and broke his hand. Which I did not believe for a full 12 hours and made him go about his Saturday like a normal person because he could MOVE the hand and isn't that always the golden rule about whether something is broken? It was only till it looked kind of purple that I started to worry. I felt really guilty when it was, in fact, broken. 

And I must break these chains of Ask June now and go about my day. As always, direct your pressing questions for Ask June here.

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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

20 thoughts on “Ask June 612: The Revenge of Michael Meyers”

  1. I swear I’m ready to lock the Little Puncs in the basement so I can get through all your posts, June (I was off dodging tornadoes for a while and missed a week of blogging). I’m dying laughing. You’re the new Seinfeld (well, only if you think that’s a good thing… if you didn’t like Seinfeld, then never mind). You can take a middle of the road topic and turn it into the most hilarious post.
    You should write a book.


  2. Marvin’s poor broken hand!
    Reminds me of the time my kid was being reckless (again) and fell out of his tree fort. We had warned them all that if they did anything stupid they were gettin’ a spanking. So, after doing a spinal check, I hauled him to his feet and swatted his behind. Not that you can hurt a ten-year old’s behind with your hand…took me twelve hours to realize his arm was broken.
    And it didn’t teach him a thing. When he was fifteen, he fell off his friend’s shoulders at a concert, yes, standing on two buddy’s shoulders, and broke it again. Then he broke the other arm snowboarding.


  3. All of my pets have middle (or double) names.
    There are the twins: Stanley Manley and Little Lester Buster
    Two other brothers: Angus McPhee and Fergus Jackson McPhee
    One single cat who is the King of the House: Gato Pato
    And then the dogs: Nikita Babushka the Siberian Husky Princess, Maxwell Banks II and the Johnny-Come-Lately to the herd: Ernest T. Bass, after the most awesome, hilarious person ever to grace the t.v. screen!
    And you know these critters all have nicknames to boot!


  4. We had a cat named Rascal. At the time “The Dukes of Hazard” was THE show to watch. Rascal became Rascal P. Coltrane.


  5. Re: Mackinaw Island, I agree with the person who suggested the Falls as a side trip. Really worth it. Also, riding a bike around the island is fun. I’ve stayed at the Grand (with June), but the B&B’s are nice too; although touring the Grand Hotel is a must. I know the person doesn’t like tourist things, but I think the Mystery Spot at St. Ignace is cool. Let’s hope it doesn’t rain, it is miserable there if it does. The views are beautiful everywhere, and it’s fun to sit on the porch of ones B&B and just watch the people walk by. We saw a couple walking to their wedding when we were there last year. A southern girl should also visit the Traverse City area and see some of the other beautiful areas of Michigan.


  6. As someone who has broken just about every bone in her body, due to the fact that I have always been a dangerous combination of reckless and clumsy, you can, indeed, move an apendage if it’s broken. You break the bone, not the muscle.
    It’s the grinding and crunching sounds that should cause alarm.


  7. Just returned from a conference on Mackinac Island. It was cold and rainy and let me tell you that that is the worst place to be when it’s cold and rainy. Most beautiful views of the island and lake are from the Governor’s residence–you can’t get into the residence, but you can stand on the side. Shopping pretty much sucks–mostly fudge and t-shirts. I know June loves the Grand and I supposed everyone should do it once, but there are also some very nice and cheaper hotels right in town. (An admission: I got really ticked off with the Musser family (owners of the Grand) a few years ago, so it’s not my favorite place to stay. But if you don’t stay there, you can’t even get on the grounds without paying a $10 admission fee. If you’re a walker, it’s about 8 miles around the island and really a beautiful walk. While you’re walking any of the roads, keep your eyes to the ground to avoid all the horse poop.


  8. Oh man. My parents did the same thing with the “Oh, you can wiggle your fingers, it’s not broken!” I was 13, and fell off my bike, and I was pretty sure my wrist was broken, but they didn’t believe me. Until three weeks later when it was still “swollen.” And by swollen, I mean that the bones had broken and shifted and then healed in the WRONG place, so my left wrist is noticeably thicker than my right one. My mother’s guilt over it is ENORMOUS to this day.


  9. Wait, I think I stole that idea from you. I think you already did electric bugaloo. I need some creativity, I swear.


  10. All cats need double names. Some of mine have had several names–Minnie Mouse the House House, Molly Moo Cat, Emmie Sweet Pea (Molly was Oscar’s Mama and Sweet Pea was his sister) and finally Oscar Snuggles, King of Tidewater.
    BTW, I am a GRITS girl!


  11. First, I am angry that I did not win the ding dang Loves Baby Soft. My kiddo will just have to keep being stinky. :).
    Second, you mentioned 2 of my all time favorite movies in this post. “Somewhere in Time” and “The Color Purple”. So, I am no longer angry with you. I call my dog Mister (after The Color Purple) and my daughters middle name is Elise (after Somewhere in Time).
    Finally, I would give my eye teeth to go to Mackinac Island. I have been married 21 years this year and I have begged each and every year to go and stay at the Grand Hotel. I am sure that someday I will get my chance…it would be a dream come true!


  12. For Nancy –
    If you don’t mind taking a 2-hour drive through the UP, you should head up to Tahquamenon Falls. It’s a gorgeous area!


  13. I’ve always liked “Electric Bugaloo” as a sequel name, as in “Breakin’2: Electric Boogaloo” (good Lord, how do you spell Bugaloo? I refuse to look that one up). So Ask June: Electric Bug(boog?)aloo is my suggestion:)


  14. For Nancy-
    I will be on Mackinac Island in just a few days, so I will gather up the local info and pass it to you through June. K?
    (People helping people)


  15. Oh sure… the “I was an orphan, never got adopted, bottle of Love’s Baby Soft and Love’s Hard Old Woman became my parents until the shattered in an unfortunate packing incident” story. Like I’ve never heard THAT before.


  16. Oh that’s okay, I’ll be fine. Maybe I can bed down in this pile of brush and catch crickets for dinner. Thanks anyway.


  17. I’m wondering if GRITS is Girl Raised In The South. Just a guess. And Joanna, bless her heart, most definitely deserves the Love’s Baby Soft!


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