Real time

It just occurred to me that Marvin told me he was going to Target when I was busy not paying attention to him, and now I am ready to pay attention to him and I am all, why's he at Target?

Does anyone recall a few weeks back when Faithful Reader Jessica saw him at Target? What's up with Marvin and the frequent guest appearances at the Target store? Do you think he gets all hot when women wear red polo shirts and khakis or something?

Did I ever tell you that my old housemate worked at Target, and she had this ridiculous name tag that had her name, which I guess would be obvious, and underneath that it read, "Ask Me! I Like to Help!"

One day her name tag was on the kitchen table and our friend Faithful Reader AMichigander was visiting. I noticed that he was kind of quietly doodling over at the kitchen table, but I didn't really pay any attention. What he had done, however, was really carefully mess with my housemate's name tag so it really professionally read, "Ask Me! I Like Fleece!"

She totally wore it to work that way, because he had messed with the tag so neatly that she didn't even notice. AMichigander was always a hoot. Or a honk. Whatever.

That old housemate had 48FFF-sized breasts. I am not making that up. And do you know we were friends for like a year and I never noticed? It was not until I introduced her to a guy I was seeing and afterwards he was all, "WHAT is with your friend's HOOTS?!" that I even took a gander, a Michigander, over at her chestal region. Do not ask me what is wrong with me that I would not notice such a, you know, really obvious thing.

So, really, what's Marvin getting at Target, you think? Do you think he went there to get me some delicious Easter treats, with his Jewish self? Maybe he went to buy me my own red polo shirt and khaki pants and we're gonna play Target checkout girl tonight. Wooo-hooo!

I am going to keep typing until he comes home, because I do not want you to have to wait for the exciting results of Why Marvin Went to Target. I want you to get the answer in real time. In this fast-paced, get-it-now world we live in, I couldn't expect you to wait till tomorrow.

I feel sorry for Farrah Fawcett, don't you? Do you feel sorry for Madonna that she couldn't adopt that kid, though? Discuss.

Oooo! I hear music in my driveway! Either a gang is here to murder me, or it's Marvin, back from his Target experience! For heaven's sake, how long does he have to sit out there and listen to that song? Maybe it really is a gang out there waiting to murder me. Why are they waiting? Come on in and get it over with!

I just got up and peered out the window through a crack in the blinds, like my grandmother used to do when she listened to her police radio. It's totally Marvin. Now he is SINGING whatever song he was listening to. Okay, here he comes. Let's see what he got at the Target. You want me to also find out what song he was jamming to?

He bought Easter eggs. For his class. With his Jewish self.

The song was You Know You're Right by Nirvana. Well, I WAS right. He did get delicious Easter treats. Just not for me.

Darn. That's the end.

Published by

June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

28 thoughts on “Real time”

  1. Maybe Marvin had more secret phone calls to make and Target is the closest place to get alone. Let me know next time he’s going to Target and I’ll spy for you. I can wear khaki pants and a red polo and I’ll blend right in.

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  2. Madonna, nope. Farrah I definitely feel sorry for. She’s sick and her only son is such a screw up. I wouldn’t want to die so publicly.

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  3. I think we all said, “Darn! That’s the end.”
    I’ve been singing the Interjections song ALL DAY!

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  4. Well… I think that helping a child is a great thing. BUT! I know tons of couples who cannot have one or can’t afford the huge fees/2nd or 3rd mortgages to pay for adoption, etc. Why not donate the money for an average person to start a family? I think the Madonna/Angelina collectible thing is gross.

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  5. OMG! YOU have a Target? I love Target I am a Target kinda girl. All I get here is a WallyWorld unless I drive 2 hours.
    I hate name tags. I especially hate it when you go to some gathering and someone thinks those stick on things are a great way for people to get to know each other.
    I only go to those things when it is required by work and since I now work for myself I can avoid all such nonsense.
    I always write some famous (preferably dead) person’s name on my tag. Then I head for the bar and on to a corner where I can watch all the extroverts read each others name tags, shake hands, and gab for hours.
    You have a great sense of humor. Glad I found you and I will be back. Here in the Heart of Darkness wit adds lots of light.

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  6. Hmmmm. When did it get to be a bad thing to adopt children if you can afford it? I could care less if they hoard about twenty-seventeen hundred a piece… There will still be millions out there who need somebody like them.
    I’m just thinkin’…

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  7. Now that I’m ready to pay attention to him.
    That’s classic! I thought maybe he was buying you a 48FFF bra to wear under your red polo shirt. You could have stuffed it with the Easter eggs.

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  8. Okay, so what happened to the fleece girl? Did she notice the tag? Did others? Was she mad at AMichagander? h

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  9. I have a Home Depot apron if you’d really like to spice things up.
    I think a lot of these celebrities adopt a child as an accessory or as a way to get their name in the paper. Madonna is an attention whore and has NEVER done anything altruistic in her life.
    Angelina, I’m not sure about either. But I do think she considers Brad an adopted child as well.
    Mia Farrow being the exception. Maybe.

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  10. I thought you were going to tell us Marvin went to get something for Passover. That was really sweet of him to think of his kids. I know the goodies will be a hit with them. Can you imagine feeding all that sugar to those kids?! They will be bouncing off the walls. Perhaps, he can give them the goodies at the END of his classes before sending them on to the next teacher. LOL! Do they change classes? If not, wait until the end of the day and let the parents deal with all that sugar. 🙂
    I don’t feel sorry for Madonna, just the child. Too bad the red tape in the US is so long because we have many children that need a good stable home here. We have many families in our church that have been to China, Russia, and Hatia to adopt children because of the wait here. Sad. We have another family that had adopted 19 children, in addition to their own three, and ALL 19 are special needs kids. This is an incredible family.

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  11. What I think about is the child herself. Some day she will grow up and think, “I was this close to living such a fortunate life, I cannot even imagine what it would be like.”

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  12. I knew immediately you were talking about my husband when I saw the word fleece was used. To this day he will randomly add fleece to any grocery lists I leave around.

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  13. Yeah what is it with Ang and Madonna? They collect children like people collect tea spoons when travelling in foriegn contries.

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  14. June,
    My husband does the same damn thing, always talking to me when I am not paying any attention. It’s real annoying. My cousin says her husband has this nasty habit of constantly breathing in and then out. Over and over again. And noisily, too. She has been trying for 20 years to get him to just take a 5 minute break, but nooooo . . . . he just keeps on with the in and out, in and out. Very inconsiderate, don’t you think?
    We sure as hell do!
    I think Marvin is smart to shop at Target rather than Wally World. I would like any store that has such a cute bull terrier dog for their mascot/logo or whatever he is. Eventually I will get one of those dogs for my very own.
    Farrah is from Texas so we do tend to care about her over here. It is sad that the article about her was right next to the one about her son being arrested. Pitiful.
    By the by, I am glad you aren’t photographing your food any more. Seemed like a lot of work to go through.

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  15. Silly Madonna, she should chose a child that doesn’t already have a dad. She needs to look up ‘orphan’ again. It also annoys me that there’s so much red tape over adopting/fostering domestically. I’m in the UK in a borough with over 70 kids who need fostering. But because I’m Indian and my husband’s caucasian we have to wait for a white-brown child. Cos if we looked after a Jamaican kid her head would explode when she went to school or something. I don’t fully understand.

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  16. What is it about reading your blog that triggers old memories that I feel compelled to share? Years ago at a previous job employees were wearing buttons that said “Ask me. I care”, and we always wanted to insert an “if” in the middle of that.
    I heard about Madonna, but now I have to go cruise the web to find out why I should feel sorry for Farrah.

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  17. I lol’d so I had to comment. I think the thought of playing Target check out girl…I don’t remember.
    My lil sis’ best friend has HH hoots. And she’s like a size 4, I don’t know how she stands, and they are the real thing.
    I feel sorry for all the kids who don’t have homes and the governments who think they need to stand in the way. I have three little orphans myself, and court on May 6th, hey one month to go, Yippee. I doubt the state will have it together, it’s only been 7 years. Which is why famous people don’t adopt domestically, in case anyone wondered. It’s easier to work with Russia and Ghana than these United States. Sad but true.

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  18. I’m glad Marvin went to Target and not Walmart because I’m not sure I’d have waited with baited breath to see what goodies he returned with!!
    My hair has been just about every color. Circa 1977, when I was in a strawberry blonde phase (read: RED) I channeled Farrah’s famous hairdo. I didn’t attempt the red bathing suit poster thingey though.
    Does anyone besides me think that if Madonna (or the Angelina’s of the world) wanted to do something really worthwhile that they should figure how much money they think they would spend on a child in their whole lifetime and send that country a big fat check?!!

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  19. This has to be my favorite post yet. It’s like we were on the phone.
    I think it is sweet that Marvin got eggs for his class. They probably all love him. I am sure he has a chocolate bunny hidden somewhere for you. At least that’s what I think the kids are calling it these days “chocolate bunny”.
    Did you see Weekend Update on SNL this past Saturday? ‘Madonna’ was on talking about her baby she couldn’t adopt and then ‘Angelina Jolie’ came on and was ridiculing her. Pretty funny.

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  20. I did not have Marvin pegged as a Nirvana fan. Because as a complete stranger I think I have a pretty good grip on Marvin’s musical tastes.
    I always wonder how Madonna got to keep the first Malawi kid she adopted, since that whole thing seemed quite illegal.

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  21. I do not feel bad for Madonna. So she couldn’t buy another baby to hand off to the nanny. Boo freaking hoo.

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  22. If you play Target check out girl tonight, are you going to make him wait while you call for a price check? I’d make him wait…that’ll teach him not to buy you any delicious easter treats, like Reese’s peanut butter and chocolate eggs. Ok, I might have been projecting a bit there.

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  23. Yes I feel awful for Farrah. Not that she was a Nobel Peace Prize winner or anything but she relates to my youth. I used to try and get my hair to look like hers unfortunately I looked more like Rosanne Rosannadanna.
    I figured Marvin went to Target because he didn’t want to go to Walmart.
    No Easter Candy for you? That Meany McMeansterson. Did he get anything for Lulah? You know I worry about her. She looks like she might be abused. I’m thinking maybe I should just take care of her for you. I mean what with Meany McMeansterson not bringing you any easter candy I’m sure he didn’t bring Lulah a Lamb Shank or anything.

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  24. I have been a long-time reader of your blog. I wanted to finally comment and let you know just how much your posts brighten my day. You are just LOL-funny . . . I often end up laughing so hard I cry (although I am very sorry to hear about your uncle and cat – so sorry!). I am curious if you have ever read any books by Christopher Moore because I think you would really enjoy them. You both have the same sense of humor. Start with The Stupidest Angel – it is hilarious! He is my husband’s favorite author and I am now reading through all of the books.
    Anyhoo, now I don’t feel like I’m stalking you anymore since I’ve finally commented :0)
    Kris

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  25. Thank you for not keeping us in suspense about Why Marvin Went to Target.
    And also for saving me from “the blog” of “unnecessary” quotation marks tonight (http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/). It probably had something to do with lack of sleep from a migraine last night.
    Updates have been published and I’m sure I’ll sleep well tonight with this work completed :-).

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