Ask June’s Hair


It is rainy today in Greensboro. Can you tell? Someone at work asked if I was doing my General Custer impression. Everyone's a comedian. I told him I was from Little Big Hair.

So, above is my hair.

Below is Phil Spector's hair.


Really, is there that big of a difference?

Let's untangle ourselves from the tress talk before you upbraid me for not getting right to all the Ask Junes that you asked me today. If you did not tune in earlier, I have a Very Special Ask June today. I had people write in today with their Qs, and I am answering them today. None of that going back to my December 18 post and getting old, stale questions. No, sir.

Lee asks, "If you were on death row, about to be executed, what would your last meal be?"

I wonder what my crime was. Did I murder Marvin? Was it a hair crime? Wow, I just looked at Phil Spector's buttons. My 11th-grade picture called. Wants its pearlescent look back.

I think I'd be too nervous to eat, but let's say I made peace with my inevitable fatal injection or hanging or whatever. Then I'd get me some barbecue spare ribs (and yes, I know a pig has the intelligence of a three-year-old human. I am about to go to the electric chair for knocking off Marvin. You think I have a conscience?), some dressing (which doesn't go with ribs, but see above re electric chair. Sue me), some chocolate-covered strawberries, several giant glasses of chardonnay and my grandmother's mashed potatoes and gravy. And some au gratin potatoes too. Why should I care about carbs?

Gladys queries, "Have you ever sold multi-level marketing products, such as Tupperware or Amway? Because I can just imagine your presentation."

Do you think Gladys thinks my presentation would be dull? I have often thought I'd like to sell Mary Kay, Gladys. First of all, they were one of the first companies to stop animal testing. Second, if I had a pink car I'd never be sad again. Ninety-eighth, makeup! Hello. And I think I would enjoy the whole getting-up-to-entertain-the-crowd thing. Do you think I should go for it? Maybe I could get a Mary Kay hairdo.


Patty wonders, "What do you think happened to Miss Doxie? I Googled her after you referenced her in one of your posts a while back, and she was so funny that I went back and read every single one of her old posts (like I did with yours). But then she left me hanging."

For those of you who don't read her, Miss Doxie was just the bomb. She was so ding-dang funny that you had to stop reading or else you'd barf. Also, she was a lawyer and really beautiful. It kind of baffled how one person could have all that going on. She blogged for several years and won all kinds of awards, and then her posts got further and further apart. Like, seven months apart. Last time she posted was October 29. I think she just got over it, Patty. And she has a new boyfriend, and I imagine being a, you know, attorney, is time consuming. I miss her.

Carpoolqueen requests, "I want to know what the inside of your fridge looks like. Think you can post a pic?"

Carpoolqueen told me that she feels pressure to make witty comments on my blog. Remember in Grease when Olivia Newton-John invited John Travolta for tea and he said he didn't like tea? And she said, "You don't have to drink tea." You don't have to be witty to comment here. I just like comments. I like validation, so I know I'm not typing into a void. If you ever just want to let me know you're out there, I you can do what I told Carpoolqueen. Say, "What a lovely post." Then I'll know you're saying "Gee, this was a good one. I have nothing pithy to say beyond that, but thanks for posting."

Anyway, here's the fridge:


It's really depressing to look at a photograph of your refrigerator. Plus, it annoys me that there are apples on the top shelf and the bottom shelf. The syrup is in the fridge because Marvin can't remember that we don't live in LA anymore and that the syrup won't be covered in 49,000,000 ants if he leaves it in the cupboard. Same with that tub o' sugar.

Oh, and for extra Faithful Reader points, where did the mayonnaise come from? The first reader to get it right gets a special Ask June gift.

Jan asks, "How did the ever-romantic Mr. Gardens propose?"

On a Ferris wheel at the Santa Monica pier. And I have always thought that had I said no, it'd have been a really awkward rest of the ride.

Kerrin ponders, "We all know your love for animals knows no bounds. If you could have any animal in the world as a domestic, legal pet — any crazy animal you wanted — what would it be?"

My first thought was leopard, as long as it didn't bite my neck out. And my second thought was pink flamingo. Can I have both? Oh, how I would kiss them.

Bell rang me up and asked, "What's your all time favorite salad dressing?"

I told Bell I actually had an answer for her on this. For those of you from the Midwest, remember Hudson's? It was a department store. I think it became Macy's, which is a shame because I abhor Macy's. Anyway, at Hudson's they had this salad with this orange salad dressing that I still crave. I remember the salad itself had almonds. Oh that was a good salad. I have never seen that orange salad dressing anywhere else. Certainly not at any stupid Macy's.

Nose in a book looked up long enough to ask, "In honour of Friday 13th: are you at all superstitious? In what ways?"

Nose and your book, I am afraid of everything. I am the most fearful person you have ever met. So today made me a little tense, but really every day makes me tense. I never walk under ladders and I always toss salt over my shoulder if I spill any. I figure, why take any chances? Of course, since I have a black cat, one crosses–and pees on–my path every day. So I guess I'm doomed.

Meme wrongly assumes, "With a name like June Gardens, I bet you are a master gardener. What will you be planting in your garden this year?"

Oh, Meme. When I go to the gardening section at the store, you can see all the plants trying to hide. All the mom plants sheltering their young. At the plant post office there is a Most Wanted picture with my nice image on it. But Marvin planted a garden. It has peas, carrots, lettuce, and radishes. We are hoping to attract bunnies, apparently.

Master Instructor Susan Harris asks, "What is the correct use of terms like bimonthly and semimonthly? I often hear people use bimonthly to mean two times per month and that doesn't seem right."

MISH, when you look in my good pal Merriam-Webster, the first definition is every two months. Then the second definition is twice a month, or semimonthly. What can I tell you?

Jan, who already asked a question but apparently thought of another one, asks, "Did you ever run away from home? Or think about it when the hippiness got to be too much?"

Yes. I remember being really pissed off about something. Who knows what, as I was like seven. I got my suitcase and told my parents I was leaving. I remember they were sitting on the couch listening to records and seemed really unconcerned. My father told me to take bottles with me, because I could take them to the store for deposit money. Even at my tender age I knew he was being sarcastic. I took my suitcase and huffed down the street.

I got to the next block and rethought things. I had a Freakies Cereal habit that was being enabled nicely back at that house. So I returned.

Jenene wonders, "I don't live in Seattle, but I live close to it. Since you actually lived there once upon a time, what did you like about it? What didn't you like about it? (Besides the rain, obviously)."

Oh, I liked everything about Seattle except that ding-dang weather. It was 63 and rainy whether it was January or July. And also too? I hope I don't make anyone mad. But Seattle people are absolutely convinced there is nowhere better to live than Seattle. That got annoying sometimes. Like, you know, Vermont is pretty too. There was this whole "We've figured it out" thing that kind of bugged me. You're wearing long underwear on the 4th of July. You haven't completely figured it out.

That said, oh! The flowers were to die for, and there was so much to do, and the people were creative and funny. There was one restaurant that had tons of Jello molds all over the front of it. And the first neighborhood I lived in had dance steps permanently embedded in the sidewalk. They were these gold footsteps, and they showed you how to do the cha-cha, or the rumba. And you'd see people on the sidewalk following the footsteps, doing the dances.

And anywhere that you can constantly see the water and mountains is never bad. I would never have left Seattle had I not married Marvin.

Carrie queries, "June-ay – What is your most outrageous outfit that you currently wear?"

Okay, who loves Carrie for calling me June-ay? And Carrie-ee, I tell you, I used to dress to call attention to myself. My mother, who is a therapist, used to watch me walk out the door and say, "Honey, you look disturbed." Okay, she just didn't know from '80s fashion. But Carrie-ee, I got old and kind of fat, and all I wanted to do was wear something that didn't call attention to my bowling-ball waist. Now I wear jeans and turtlenecks or turtlenecks and black pants every day. I am boring. But when you're 43 and look disturbed it's not as cute as when you're 23 and look disturbed.

M wonders, "Have you ever mooned anyone? Why and when?"

Heavenly days, no. But I did pose nude once. My friend was getting his master's in photography and he needed a male and a female for his portfolio. You know what everyone should go out and do? Go out and have a really skilled photographer take your naked photo when you're 22. Because it's all downhill from there. I'm really glad I did it. So I guess technically I mooned the Chicago Art Institute and the Rhode Island School of Design.

Those are all the Ask Junes for today. This took like an hour, and I want you to know that for some reason, Marvin was listening to Duran Duran's Rio the ENTIRE TIME I wrote this. He is (sit down) watching a documentary on them and he kept starting and stopping the Rio part.

Perhaps we have circled back to my last meal, eh?

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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

46 thoughts on “Ask June’s Hair”

  1. I came upon your blog when I Googled the phrase, “whatever happened to Miss Doxie.” While nobody can take her place in the blogosphere (or the dogosphere), I’m glad to join your readership.
    BTW, I am the proud owner of a small felt weiner dog made and autographed by Miss Doxie. Because, you know, lawyering and writing and socializing and dog-owning, those don’t keep one busy enough. Must have an online store and stock it with the fruits of one’s own labors! No wonder the poor thing burned out.


  2. Yes, everyone is a comedian.
    You know what else everyone is? A photographer, and it is really irritating. If you aren’t getting your master’s in photography, people, DO NOT PRETEND TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER!!!
    Glad that’s out of my system.


  3. After reading this, I have two more questions:
    #1 Why is your bread in your fridge?
    #2 Do you wear your everyday black pants every day?


  4. I had to make a comment since I am one of your faithful “Pepper” people. First, I live in Texas and I do not know ANYONE who has real mayo in their fridge. We all have Miracle Whip and we all love it! Second, did someone guess correctly where the Miracle Whip came from? I guess Food Lion (which no longer exists in Texas).


  5. Good heavens, June. Who knew people would be so loopy about mayo?
    I’m curious if those of us who eat Miracle Whip are all mid-western born?
    No one on the East Coast eats Miracle Whip except for me. Miracle Whip Light is what I use.
    Hope you’re having a good weekend and enjoying a cold glass of mayo!!


  6. Dear June,
    You keep really weird things in your fridge and I think the Miracle Whip/mayonnaise thing is a Michigan thing. I was raised on Miracle Whip. We NEVER had actual mayonnaise, but my family always calls it mayonnaise. I prefer Miracle Whip 100 times to mayo. So yay for your good taste.
    Lovely post.


  7. Oh but Melanie, he DIDN’T come back with mayonnaise, he came back with MIRACLE WHIP, and that’s what started this whole mess.


  8. ok… here’s how it all went down: after Christmas, you and your Mom sent Dad and Marvin out to buy wine so you could rearrange the furniture and they came back with mayonnaise! I loved this post because you and Mom went from being Lucy & Ethel to Scarlett & Melanie.


  9. What a lovely post, June-ay. I need to know why the one apple on the top shelf in the fride has been seperated from the other apples down below. Is it a better apple than the rest? And I am going to guess you pilfered the mayo from work. Or did you get it at the dollar store?


  10. So… I go both ways. I play for both teams. I am a bi-condiment user. I use Helman’s (although this “Duke’s” is intriguing) for certain things and Miracle Whip for other things. Ham sandwich with cheese? Miracle Whip. Ham sandwich with lettuce? Helman’s. Salami sandwich with lettuce? Helman’s. Salami sandwich wtih cheese? Miracle Whip and some Spicy Brown mustard.
    Oh thank you. I feel so… free. So liberated.


  11. Who knew that you would start the great mayonnaise debate with the photo of your fridge! Personally – I have the Miracle Whip. I buy mayonnaise (Dukes? not available here) when I need something fattening without that sweet/tangy flavor. But for my deviled eggs, potato salad, and other diet food, I wants my Miracle Whip.
    oh, and I hope I can post this. Computer has gone bonkers and posting is a very iffy thing.


  12. Thank you, Whimzie! I was getting annoyed at all the Hellman’s fanatics (because my life is so fabulous that I have to have something petty to go all ape doody on) and wanted to ask why in the deep dang South anyone would EVER eat any mayonaisse other than Duke’s? It’s the closest thing to making your own. I’m just sayin’. Sheesh.


  13. I’ve read your blog for awhile now, but have never commented until now. And it’s about mayonnaise. I’m shocked, and perhaps a little hurt, that you use Hellman’s when you have access to the greatest mayonnaise ever! What about Duke’s?
    I’m a transplanted South Carolina girl and we NEVER had Miracle Whip or Hellman’s in our refrigerator. Even now, when our family comes to visit, they bring us jars of Duke’s mayonnaise.
    Also, carpoolqueen is my best friend and she’s one of the most pithy people you’d ever care to meet! I’m very proud that her question was chosen to be one of the “Ask June-ay” questions of the week.


  14. A) How annoying to take a photo of one’s fridge and then have to HEAR about it for the next 17 years.
    B) Marvin has invited you all to do something rude to a part of his nethers that I will not mention, but he has invited you all to do it in our fridge, which I thought was funny.
    C) I did not pose the items. I had just used the cheese, though, and I think it by chance propped against whatever was behind it in kind of a pose-y way.
    D) The fruit is out because there is even MORE bottled water in the crispers. I fear running out of water.
    E) It takes us a year and a half to go through a loaf of bread. If we left it on the counter it’d get all green. There are only two of us.
    F) Everything oddly refrigerated is Marvin’s doing. Trust me on this.


  15. Carpoolqueen and I are getting together in a week or two for some coffee. Then we are going to put together a plan to come see you.
    When I make sandwiches for our journey, I won’t tell her that my bread is also stored in the fridge.
    (Of course Carpoolqueen has lots of growing boys in her house so bread probably doesn’t last long at her house anyway.)


  16. What a lovely post, June.
    When I lived near Seattle I noticed all of those things you discussed. Except the footprints in the sidewalk. I especially liked your comment about long underwear on the 4th of July. My town had their celebration on the 3rd (I am not sure why) and it ALWAYS rained, so all my memories are of shivering and walking home wet and cold.
    Did you ever make it out to Sequim or PT or PA? I do love the lavender festivals out there on the peninsula!


  17. Hi June found you through Hyphen Mama and must say I really enjoy your posts!
    The hair pics just cracks me up, as I was a Phil wanna be (before cancer).
    Not to worry, though, because it is now even worse…this time it’s growing in more like Sly (of the Family Stone)!!!!
    ….sigh…..wish I had food in my fridge….


  18. You are a brave brave woman… posting a picture of the inside of your fridge. As I looked at yours, I thought maybe it would be fun to post a picture of my fridge on my blog…then realized that the over abundance of fermented wheat beverages outnumbering the number of fruits, vegetables and dairy products might tip somebody off to send child protective services my way. Then I’d have to choose my last meal before execution.
    Phil Spector’s hair is out of this world! My mother-in-law likes to ask people with that kind of hair if they use an egg beater and a leaf blower to do their hair. She’s full of tact.


  19. You must rid yourself of the miracle whip. Hellmans is the only way to go.
    In San Jose, CA Hellmans is called Best Foods. Whatever, it is still way better than miracle whip.


  20. I forgot to add that if I didn’t have ants the syrup would NOT be in the fridge because cold syrup ruins a hot pancake. Also, cold honey is impossible to squeeze out of the container. Ants suck. And I keep my bread in the fridge too, because finding mold on bread makes me gag and that doesn’t happen for a long time if you keep bread refrigerated.


  21. I thought I was the only person in the world who had to put syrup, peanut butter, honey and everything else ants like in the fridge. Yes, spreading cold peanut butter is impossible. Maybe I should just put them in ziploc bags like I do with the cereal and crackers. I can’t believe that just dawned on me. Your blog is now enlightening as well as entertaining.


  22. June, can ya believe how everyone is havin’ kittens over the fact that you called salad dressing mayonnaise? Off with her head! I have the same exact bottle of Miracle Whip as you do in my fridge. I feel so priviledged, so special…okay, i’ll stop now.
    I do have a question. Why is your fruit not in the fruit drawer? Your can’t just leave your fruit out running astray in your fridge. It might bother the tomato with old “you know you really are one of us” speech.


  23. Ok, the bi-monthly thing really drives me nuts. What does bi-annually mean? Twice a year, right? Therefore, bi-monthly means twice a month, and bi-weekly would mean twice a week. Also, your bicycle has two wheels, which has nothing to do with this comment. So please people, for the love of Emily Post, stop saying you get paid bi-weekly. Unless of course, you actually get paid twice a week. Then go ahead and say it all you want. And send me some of your extra money.
    I was also wondering if you cleaned the fridge before you took the picture? I would have to clean mine before taking a picture. And if someone could please explain to me why people keep peanut butter in the fridge, I’d really appreciate it. I’m going to have to remember to put my syrup in the fridge once the Invasion of the Ants begins this year. I never thought of that.


  24. Did you straighten up the fridge a little before you took the picture? If not, I’m really impressed with the lined up water bottles and the bag o’ cheese sitting up all perky-like.
    And no one will give a sh*t, but I’ve been to the Santa Monica pier. I only remember riding the carousel. But still, a pretty and romantic place. Nice pick, Marvin.


  25. Why do they call products by different names in different parts of the country? Helman’s mayonnaise. Edy’s Ice Cream (which I think might be Grand’s or something),I don’t understand it. I always feel like I have traveled to a different dimension when I see my good old Helman’s re-named Best Foods.
    Murder Marvin? PAINT ON THE WOOD FLOORS. No all woman jury would convict you.
    SO I get the syrup in the fridge to keep it ant free, but butter on the counter? That made me feel a little sick.
    And I agree, the bread would be better, and contrary to popular belief, would stay fresher on the counter. 🙂


  26. I’m going to guess that the MIRACLE WHIP came from the Piggly Wiggly (I’ve always wanted to go there).
    And you should never put tomatoes in the fridge.


  27. I am SO envious of your fridge. It’s so airy and empty (in spite of all the food in it). I guess that’s what a couple’s fridge looks like as opposed to a family of five whose primary shopper (me) is obsessed with economies of scale and must buy that 10 pound bag of potatoes to save that 50 cents. My husband would agree with the other mayo purists, but I grew up with Miracle Whip and always liked it.


  28. I agree with Amanda. I saw NO mayonnaise in that fridge. Girl, get you some Hellman’s, and fast. Miracle Whip? Now that’s just wrong.


  29. Argh, says I, that I missed this special “Ask June” episode. I could have asked a really dumb and boring question, as I am wont to do.
    Waiting for you to have an afro like Phil Spector. It would suit you.
    Wish my fridge were as clean and half-full as yours, but we buy five gallons of milk a week because my kids are milkos (milk winos), and for some reason have stopped eating refridgerated food and just keep stuffing it with nobody-wants-em leftovers.
    I finally ran out of pithy things to say.


  30. Hi June! First time commenter here. Carpoolqueen told me that you said our comments didn’t really have to be witty so I was inspired to leave one and, lo and behold, I’m pleased as punch to see that you gave her a shout out in your blog! (As I type I have this fear that you are critiquing my grammar and punctuation. You are, aren’t you?!)
    I was most interested in your fridge. First, is that peanut butter in there? It looks like peanut butter. How in the world do you spread cold peanut butter?! But the syrup? I’m with Marvin. It belongs in the refrigerator regardless of the ant population. I’m neutral on the bread. I think it dries it out but I understand that in humid climates it tends to mold faster. I keep my bagels in the fridge.
    This was a lovely post and have a nice day! 🙂


  31. Oh my! Freakies cereal…I had completely forgotten about that. We keep bread in our frige also. There is only two of us and it keeps longer, just pop in the micro for 10 seconds and it is just as fresh. Thanks for the childhood memories.


  32. Hey June, was that orange salad dressing perhaps called Dorothy Lynch? It’s kind of like a French dressing and it’s made here in Nebraska. My dd called it “peach dressing” when she was a preschooler because of the color.
    Oh, and we vacationed in Seattle a year ago in November and really enjoyed ourselves. The weather was wonderful and the people were so nice. I understand why you liked living there.


  33. I loved me some Freakies when I was a kid – I had a green plastic monster that came as a prize – I wonder if my mom still has it?


  34. By mayonnaise do you mean the Miracle Whip? Because Miracle Whip is most certainly NOT mayonnaise. It’s Miracle Whip. It’s sweet, and gross, and does not belong in anyone’s fridge. Best Foods is the only kind of mayonnaise to buy (I believe it’s called ‘Hellmans’ east of the Rockies but whatever).


  35. Bread in the fridge? Doesn’t that dry it out? I don’t mean to be all picky since I asked for the picture, but your sandwiches will taste much better if you leave the bread on the counter. I worry about you that way.


  36. That was a fun post June! The pic of your fridge put it over the top. Does keeping your bread in the fridge help it last longer?
    Also, I totally agree about your statment about people in Seattle. I live in the greater Seattle area and am not at all offended. Although, I wasn’t born here and only moved here in highschool. Once I was told that all the news anchors come to Washington universities to study broadcasting because people in the Pacific Northwest dont have accents and can be easily understood by the masses. Hmmmm…that might be the attitude you were refering to?


  37. Marvin and F-I-L brought home the mayo instead of wine when you sent them out for an errand so you could re-arrange the furniture in their absence?


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