A Series of Unfortunate Portraits

I came home tonight and put on my new party shoes, then hoisted my legs up the wall, because who doesn't? Then I took a picture of said shoes so you could see them in all their glory.


It's an eBay phone. I don't mean that it dials directly to eBay, which would be nice, I mean that our old kitchen in Burbank was all knotty pine and retro, so we got a yellow dial phone on eBay just because we thought it'd look cool in that kitchen.

I just tried to find you photos of that kitchen, and next time I need pictures of something else I will find them, but in the meantime I found photographs of me being inappropriate during dinners. Just a little something to make Sandy quiver when she considers me attending her wedding this weekend. In the not-at-all-noticeable red dress.

Pepper 001 Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

Really, if you can't call attention to yourself at a family dinner, when can you? I don't even like red and green peppers. But they make fine tusks.

Coin 001

We were at a wedding where chocolate coins were given out, which made sense given the groom's last name. And now you are sitting there thinking, "His last name is Pesos? Moneypenny? Coin?" Oh, give up. Anyway, could my mother and I leave it alone? Could we bring any dignity to our table? Of course not.

But that is not why I have gathered you all here today. What I was really going to talk about was how I was lying on the floor of the kitchen, my legs hoisted in the air, and I realized I could get some really unflattering shots of Tallulah at that angle. Who's the worst dog mom ever?


Oh sure, I'll pay to have MY double chin fixed, but I let old jowly flap in the breeze.

WalnutheadLula not look like possum, mom. Head not look like walnut.
…What this mean, "Botox"?


I just like this one because Tallulah is in front of the trash closet where food might also be kept, and I can see Winston's little foot in there. He likes to sneak into the closet and try to break into the food. You know what that square is on the floor? A piece of the cat food bag. What a jerk.

Mom of Hair, I find these photographs demeaning. And tomorrow is our one-year anniversary of when you found me. Do you think you might show me a little more respect?

You're right, Tallulah. My deepest apologies. Now go to bed. Goodnight, honey. No, really, I'm hitting "Post" right now. No more unflattering photos of you. Goodnight.



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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

21 thoughts on “A Series of Unfortunate Portraits”

  1. OH MY GOD I almost DIED laughing at the cat in the closet. I take my dog to my parents’ on weekends, and they keep the dog cookies in a pantry in the utility room, so anytime anyone goes in there, Tina will follow them in, and if you’re not paying attention and you close the door, she will get stuck. Then an hour you will be looking for her, open the laundry door, and she will just be sitting there starting up at you. It’s the cutest thing EVER.


  2. OH JUNE! I hope you have a fabulous time in Michigan! If that is possible among all the ice. I love the dress. Can’t wait to see 9,000 photos of you in it posing with asparagus coming out of your ears.
    And seeing Tallulah’s foot under that door has made my day. Her little kitty paw…urrr. I could eat her up.


  3. His name was Penny? Bux? Banks? (and he needed bailing out?)
    Love the shoes! Wish I had pretty toes and could wear open toed sandals.


  4. The last wedding I attended I was 8 months pregnant. They left those little cameras on the recpetion tables to take pictures. There was a whole camera roll of me, staged, drinking champagne, beer, mixed drinks, one shot of me dancing on the table. I may have to post those.


  5. LOVE the shoes!!!! You are going to look gorgeous with those shoes and that pretty dress! But then, your primal instincts will kick in and…………..who knows what show you will be putting on??? Love it. I’m looking forward to hearing about the wedding.


  6. I believe if your second toe is longer than your big toe it is supposed to mean you are descended from royalty. In the medieval times, all the royals – all of them, the dukes, duchesses, etc., etc., not just princes and princesses and kings and queens – were supposed to have a longer second toe. The peasants had regular toes. So I guess June is the Duchess of Hair.


  7. I feel compelled to publicize my abiding love for Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events. The writing is hysterical.
    I think it’s supposed to mean something when your second toe is longer than your big toe, but I can’t remember what.


  8. Shows what I know…I thought the title was a reference to Lemony Snickets, which I know nothing about either other than the Jim Carrey movie.


  9. I really need to watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’. And ‘Gone With the Wind’. Maybe I’ll understand your world more.
    And I love those shoes! I have a pair almost exactly like them, except they’re flats. I would rather have heels, makes me feel like a blonde giant. Which doesn’t sound flattering, but is actually quite fun.


  10. I’m laughing out loud, especially over the jerks little paw and the cat food bag square.
    I used to lay on my kitchen floor to talk on the phone all the time. Why? I dunno. It was really a comfortable floor. I also kept a retro 1950’s easy chair in the kitchen so I could talk on the phone. Before I had a cordless…but I did have a 30 foot long cord.


  11. Dear Gladys,
    She was yawning. I really meant to take a picture of her holding her crab, but she dropped it and yawned while I was taking the picture. She totally turned into Exoricist dog before my lens.


  12. love the H & S reference.
    So what the heck is Lulah doing in that last picture? Reinacting the Omen 3 REvenge of Dameon?
    She lookes possessed or in this economy…re possessed. Badumpdum…I’ll be here all week folks.


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