Things they do on bad made-for-TV movies that never happen in real life, other than that scene where someone makes dinner and then they show them sitting there all night while the candles burn down and the other person doesn’t show up

1. When people get in fights, someone gets up and crosses the room and turns their back to the person they're fighting with, then just stands there. I beg you to do this next time you're fighting with someone. You will look berserk.

2. Women wear beige pantsuits when they are just  hanging around their houses in the middle of the day. In all the years I freelanced, I never once said, "Oh! I think I'll just pull on my beige pantsuit!"

3. When people are making out and they get interrupted, once they are done being interrupted, someone always says, "Now. Where were we?"

4. Someone is always a lawyer, and their loved one must refer to their occupation in conversation. If they want to talk to them, they'll say "May I approach the bench?" or "That was a fine closing argument, counselor, but IT WON'T BRING OUR SON BACK!" (get up and cross the room).

5. Even though everyone has successful careers, they always have plenty of time to stand around in their absolutely pristine houses during the daytime, staring out their windows.

6. There is always the line where someone answers a question, "Yes! No! …I don't know."

7. Even though these movies are often supposed to be taking place in cities like Portland or Boston, they all look suspiciously like LA or Vancouver.

Published by

June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

24 thoughts on “Things they do on bad made-for-TV movies that never happen in real life, other than that scene where someone makes dinner and then they show them sitting there all night while the candles burn down and the other person doesn’t show up”

  1. I just read the comment by “Lee” and thought…”Hey, I’m pretty funny”…only I didn’t write it!! Who is the imposter??

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  2. Yeah what is it about tv shows where the kids are never on the show? Everybody Loves Raymond has a problem of not showing the kids for days. Where do they go?
    Arlene – that is so funny!

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  3. Hey, no post on the 6th? What are you doing, June? Spending hours standing around your pristine home staring out the windows?

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  4. Not welcome like “come on in and join me” but welcome as in “You’re welcome”. Because you can’t thank me enough for solving everyone’s problems from my Calgon filled lair.
    Hey~ who decided two margaritas with dinner was a good idea???

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  5. I’m home now. I’m sorry if I ruined the lovely dinner you planned. I need to sweep upstairs and change into something more comfortable. My silk kimono/lounge wear/pajamas will compliment my lovely pulled up, messy-but-styled-perfectly-messy hair, (my make-up is off! Why would you ask me that?!?!?!?) I am going to brew a cup of tea with my beautiful tea kettle and while that is steeping, I am going to draw a bath in my elegant, oversized, small pool sized bathtub. Then I am going to immerse myself up to my chin in bubbles. Then we can have the important conversation you are secretly wishing we will have. By the time we fade to commercial, ummm… I mean sleep, I will have single- handedly solved all the worlds woes, without mussing my hair, smudging my non-make-up and without leaving my bathtub.
    You are welcome.

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  6. the summary of every lifetime movie: valerie bertinelli’s baby has been stolen by her fraternal twin- melissa gilbert- who was sold on the black market at the age of 2 and now has amnesia. meredith baxter is the strong-willed attorney who will help her get her baby back after several murder attempts by susan lucci. grant show is the baby’s father but he is married to five other women, one of whom is actually lorenzo lamas in drag and who will try to kill him. also thomas calabro makes a cameo as an investigator who gets conked on the head with a big stick- he gets hit in the head in every show/movie he’s ever done (must be on his resume as a special skill). nancy mckeon finds valerie’s baby and gives it back to her, where upon they discover that nancy is her twin, not melissa gilbert. they end up pushing melissa gilbert down a well and vow secrecy forever. patty duke shows up as the judge who makes it all okay- provided she back on the lithium. the end…or is it?

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  7. They are ALL soap operas! ER, CSI,etc! The only difference between what they show on the 3 networks vs the Angry Women Network, er, Lifetime, is the level of acting and sometimes the writing is a little better on the networks. I mean really, if we changed partners as much as these TV folks, well, I don’t know about you, but I’d need a scorecard!

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  8. The children ane always dressed to the hilt and so well behaved, playing quietly in their rooms, never making a mess in the other living areas of the house. LOL!

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  9. Don’t forget about the perfect 2.5 kids who only show up for less than 5 minutes (I think a union rule) and there is never kid crap in the house – ever….

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  10. How about whenever they go someplace (and this is often in New York City) they find a parking place right in front of the building they’re going to?

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  11. This is also true for soap operas. They are in full makeup 5 min. after they get up and there are no dirty dishes in the sink or dog hair tumbleweeds in the corners. Who brings them these huge vases of fresh flowers everyday? The kids are 5 one day and if you miss a week, they are now 18 and away at college.
    I prefer my black pantsuit, more slimming.
    How about when they are in a coma in full makeup for weeks and they wake up and the guy kisses them (ew!)

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  12. Now see I have always wondered how EVERY single house on those movies can afford a sub-zero refrigerator and a viking stove. There are always fresh flowers placed strategically through out the living room and the house is alway immaculate. It doesn’t matter if it is in Boston or Muleshoe Texas they are always the same. Also the woman in the beige pants suit always has the perfect set of pearls and heels to match the pants suit.
    I tried to be more like a Lifetime movie but my husband just couldn’t stick to the script. He wouldn’t go have an affair, he wouldn’t become an attorney and he wouldn’t sit around the house in his Armani suit.

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  13. Oh, crud, now you have gone and done it!!!! June’s post was bad enough, but the comments made it much worse! Now I have go and but on my OTHER daytime pantsuit (and it’s not beige, it’s tan!); THEN I have to soak up all the pee in my home office chair!!! Next time I read this blog I’m taking no chances. I will take my laptop to the ‘reading room’!
    (did I use enough !!!!! ?)

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  14. In the interest of having more window-gazing time, I’ve taken to sleeping in my beige pants suit, so in the morning, I don’t have to bother changing. It combines the MFTVM dressing for working at home world with the way people who really work at home dress.

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  15. And when she cries, those big ole bambi eyes just well up with tears until they spill over onto the carefully powdered cheeks, never even running the mascara. Not the slobbering, red-eyed swollen-faced ugly cry.

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  16. And the TWO (always two) grocery bags are packed perfectly, they retain their shape and there is always a stalk of celery and/or French bread sticking out.

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  17. Well, I had gotten up and stormed across the room but it was hard to type from there so here I am, may I approach the bench? I’m not sure I understand why you don’t think things like this happen in real life. Oh, excuse me while I grab my pantsuit, I have lots to do at home today. What will I be doing? Yes! No!! Oh, I don’t know, probably looking out the window so I can spy on the rich neighbors. Well, I need to get started on my day. Where were we???

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