Exercise? Perhaps I Could Exercise Restraint

I got out of work at noon today, and my idea was that I’d get right on that treadmill as soon as I got home.

But of course I was STARVING when I got home, having eaten a banana and a piece of string cheese all day. Really, I need to try harder at the bringing-enough-snacks-to-work thing.

So I made a sandwich with seven thousand vegetables on it (does anyone else use hummus in place of mustard? Because I do and it’s really good) and had some vanilla yogurt and a bottle of water. So then I was ready to go on the treadmill.

But what do you know, Marvin Gardensalad came home early, because he had a dentist appointment. So then I ended up chatting with him (he has no cavities. Go, Marvin), and do you know right after that there was a huge dramatic car accident right outside our house?

Long story agonizingly longer? It’s 5:34 p.m. and I have not gotten on that dingity-dangity-gol-darn treadmill yet. Soon I will say it’s too close to bedtime to go, so as SOON as I write this, off I go. Now I have told on myself so I will be too humiliated not to go on it.

But I do have to tell you about one stupid thing I just did. Really, it’s one of those things you should never, ever do.

To begin this story, let’s look at my hair. If you are new here, you should know that no human, in the history of time, has ever had larger, coarser hair than I do. It’s unnatural. One time in biology in college we had to measure our hair under a microscope, and mine was the fattest piece in the room.

My name is June, and I have big hair. Hi, June.

Confetti_3

Okay, yes, this was taken in the ’80s, but still. I have a lot of hair. Look how my cat and I were sort of the same color and hairiness.

Now that we have established the big hair problem, here’s what I did.

I have a male, married friend who really lusts for his coworker. He and I were joking around about it today in an email. Now here’s the part you should never, ever do.

Marvin, who so wishes he wasn’t home today due to that dental appointment, who SO wishes they’d have re-extracted all four of his wisdom teeth instead of coming home early, was haplessly sitting there when I turned from the computer and said, "You can be honest, I won’t care. Is it normal for married men to lust for their coworkers?"

Marvin, who is so, so silly, said, "Yeah, of course."

"Have YOU ever lusted for anyone at work?"

"I don’t know."

I don’t know. If there was ever a ridiculous answer to give.

I don’t know. 

Of COURSE this means there was someone at work he lusted for! Of COURSE there are seven thousand questions I had to ask!

After tormenting him for twenty minutes, I have found out there was an attractive saleswoman at his old job. After sticking pins in him and cutting off his airways for just a few minutes, I also found out…

SHE HAS SILKY, STRAIGHT HAIR.

This was the worst blow possible. I wouldn’t have cared had she had a smokin’ body. Or if she was 20 years younger than me. I mean, of course she had these things. But silky hair? Oh, the deceitfulness.

So now I am pouting, following Marvin around, who is just trying to go on with his life and hoping to find a way to turn back tiiiioome, as Cher would say, so that we had never had this conversation.

I am just saying. You should never, ever ask this question. When I said I wouldn’t care, I actually thought I wouldn’t. It was the silky hair that got me.

Can you exercise your way to thinner hair?

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June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

16 thoughts on “Exercise? Perhaps I Could Exercise Restraint”

  1. Is it weird to comment on stuff over a year old? Once I had my hair straightened by the lady cutting my hair. I met my family for lunch and my kids DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME.
    Later that day, my husband asked me to go ‘do something to fix it’ said he couldn’t stand looking at me with straight hair it was just too weird.

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  2. silky hair…the nerve.
    when my hair is straight my boyfriend “likes my hair straight” when it is curly he “likes my hair curly”, let’s also hope he likes my hair prematurely grey.

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  3. Oh Sweetie, you never ask questions you stand the answer to. After 41 years I’ve learned that oh so hard lesson. As for the hair, be so thankful for your full head of curls, do you want to trade places with some of us who have fine straight hair. As for the eating, eat a little more protein and you won’t get as hungry as quickly.

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  4. I think you should hunt down this silky-haired vixen and give her a bad perm. Punishment for her being attractive to your Marvin Gardensalad.
    WHEN will men ever learn the right way to answer those questions? We don’t want the truth. WE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

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  5. Remember that Friends where they made the list of 5 celebrities that were freebies? Well, to this day I remind my husband of those celebrities when I see them. Hell, he doesn’t even remember who he said.. but I do. Yep, it’s a sickness. A female sickness. I don’t think men are jerks for having lustful thoughts about other women. But, they -are- jerks if they don’t keep us in the dark about it when they know it will drive us (and them) crazy. I know Marvin Gardensalad learned his lesson. Silky hair indeed! He should have said she had buckteeth and a club foot.

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  6. Hey Sleeping Beauty – my husband is a member of the U.S. Navy Band. A sailor and a musician – lucky for me he wasn’t at that party! 🙂

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  7. Last night? My boyfriend made dinner for me and a houseguest of mine? And we started talking about crushes. My (married) houseguest said gets crushes on sailors. I get crushes on musicians, it came out. My boyfriend? Denied having crushes on anyone but me. He’s the smartest of us all, although I know he’s lying. Now I constantly have to worry that he’ll think I’m up to something if I so much as look at a musician a few seconds too long when we go to a show. Some things are better left unsaid…and unknown. But you’ll get past it! Now on to that (sweaty) race…. June, it is gonna be hot. I googled the race. I still think we should do it…. Or we can do the Baltimore one up here, a coupla months later. Whatcha think?

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  8. Hummus on sandwiches = delicious! I’ve been mixing up cottage cheese with garlic and herbs and using it in place of mayo, too. And then having a tube of girl scout cookies for dessert, but hey.
    I totally feel you on the bringing snacks thing. It seems like you’re packing enough food for a week, but I have to have at least three decent snacks plus lunch during a normal working day. Keep up the good work.

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  9. june! why does this sound so familiar? men are jerks. but we women (us girls?) take some blame for forgetting this fundamental fact and forcing them to remind us of their jerk-ness.
    poor MG. poor June. least you got a great post out of it! (let’s remember our priorities here, right?)
    i think for deceitfulness — betrayal? more dramatic? too cliche?

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  10. Why do us girls (we women?) do this to ourselves? A few years ago I made the mistake of asking my husband what the one body part of mine was that he would change. Of course he kept saying “there’s nothing I would change” until I nearly drove him to the loony bin telling him to just be honest, I could take it. And then when he finally broke down and told me maybe he’d take a little off my thighs, I of course was broken-hearted and made him feel horribly guilty. It still haunts me today.
    I started to ask about women at work once and when he opened up just a little, I cut him off, I knew I didn’t really want to know!

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  11. June,
    My hair was so big in HS they called me….wait for it….FRO.
    OUCH!
    I have pics that could rival yours! Just sayin….

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  12. I can’t stop laughing long enough to type. June, you’re the funniest thing going. That’s what I know.
    And Marvin? Will never come home at midday again, I’m pretty sure of it.

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