Life in the Express Lane

It's Friday night. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wooo! Partayyy! Back that ass up!

I'm going to get groceries.

You know, in the old days, back when I was still trolling for men, this would be an hour or two before I'd start getting ready to go out. I'd get me some shower wine (that first glass you drink while you're showering. Was that just me?), some music going, my black tights ready cause it was the '80s. And man. You would not see me again until the wee hours of the next day.

Sometimes I miss trolling for men. I don't actually miss any of the men. I'm glad I'm married. I'm glad I'm married to Marvin Gardensalad. Things could have turned out much worse. But I miss the anticipation. Maybe this would be the night I'd meet a prince. At the Hamilton Street Pub in Saginaw, Michigan. Mmm-hmmm.

I miss all the drama. Maybe Cindy would see her old boyfriend and cry in the parking lot all night. Maybe I would make out with Cindy's old boyfriend. Life was full of mystery and sleaze.

Anyway, I have made a list of healthy grocery items that I am going to buy. They include things like yogurt and tomatoes and cheese sticks and water. Somebody hold me back.

Also tonight, after my big night out at the grocery store (what should I wear? Should I put on Obsession or Giorgio?), I am coming home and running three miles to see what my sad pace is. This will give me a starting point for training for this half-marathon. I predict the fastest I can run is 14 minutes a mile. I am not even kidding. I understand that most people could go that fast if they were asleep. Sue me. You've gotta start somewhere.

Talk at you later. After I've busted a move. To the grocery store.

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At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

12 thoughts on “Life in the Express Lane”

  1. Haha, I was a total shower drinker. I didn’t want to miss out on anytime that might get me a little more soupy before I went out. I also remember having a headache and making sure it wouldn’t keep me from going out, I’d wash down some tylenols with some beer before getting in the shower with my beer. Oh those were the days!


  2. It’s been so long that I do not remember trolling for men. And if I did, I do not miss it. In fact, I do not think I miss men. I do, however, miss DANCING!!! Oh… how I miss dancing, especially since you mentioned it a few blogs ago. I too always had a shower beverage. Hey… your man trolling days blog could be called Bye Bye Bar Fly.
    I am glad you married Mr. Gardensalad too.


  3. When I got married I was so young I never did troll. Oh well, I’m still happy with my knight after 41 years. As for the grocery shopping, if you don’t have it in the house, you can’t eat it. Try buying plain yogart and adding your own fruit and flavoring. That way you don’t get the sugar they add and the extra calories. I buy those little carrots, wash them, drain them well on paper towels and bag them when they have completely dried, then I have crunchy snacks other than chips or popcorn, etc.


  4. Maybe next year you could do a whole blog that tells us stories from your man-trolling days. I think that could be very entertaining. And educational for those still man-trolling.


  5. Skinny Cow chocolate-mint ice cream sandwiches are TO DIE FOR! And I think they’re just 100 calories or something ridiculous like that. The trick is to not eat 3 of them in one sitting, like I was doing…. Really.
    So I’m dying to know…. What’s your pretty pace? You ready to officially sign up for Virginia Beach? I am if you are!


  6. Don’t forget treats! If you get nothing yummy it’s so much easier to binge! I like to buy organic dark chocolate chips and have a few every night. Dark chocolate=health food! I also buy sugar-free Popsicles. 30 calories each and DAMN GOOD!


  7. OMG. I can so relate. I loved and miss the anticipation, but am also happily married. Well, usually. Snort.
    I think at my best I was running a 9 minute mile. I haven’t run in ages, I’m guessing I’d be right there with you, panting along beside you at the 14 minute mile. And sweating. A LOT. Being 40 is twice as hard as being 20.


  8. I took up running last year and was totally not a runner before I took it up. I came across a podcast called couch to 5k and it really worked to get my stamina up. I went from barely being able to run for three minutes to being able to run for thirty. Here’s the site if you’re interested.
    And, how exciting to train for a marathon! (I always try to be aware of my use of punctuation and wonder, should I have used that comma after And? I know if anyone can tell me, it’s you.)


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