FedEx, tacos and Britney’s gurney

My doctor's office called today. Before I started this blog, I went to the doctor and had him check all my levels of everything to see if I was dying or turning into a man or anything, and to see if any of my numbers improve as I eat better, McDonald's yesterday notwithstanding.

My charming cholesterol is 217! Am I a longshoreman?! I eat like one. My bad cholesterol is 117. He said he thinks if I really eat better, it will go down. I go back in six months anyway, so I guess I'll find out then.

In case you are not a medical professional or hypochondriac, cholesterol over 200 is bad. And your LDL should be less than 100, I think it is. So it's not like they're gonna take me out on a gurney like Britney (seriously, what is WITH that girl?) anytime soon, but I am not at a healthy level.

Today I was work work worky pants. In case you are new, I will give you the scintillating information that I am a freelance proofreader, and then Monday through Thursday mornings, I am secretary at the local Episcopal church, which is funny because I never went to church, but I live in the Bible Belt now and everybody goes to church and besides they are nice there and have women ministers and are accepting of gay people, so I can hang with it. The end.

Anyway, it was my day off from my glamorous church secretary job, and I woke up thinking, "I just have an hour or two of proofreading to finish up, then I'll call FedEx and have them take that work to Los Angeles, and I can go on with my day."

Who opened her door to the FedEx guy at 4 p.m., unshowered, wearing what she'd slept in, completely zombie-like in her exhaustion, telling him, "It's not ready yet. Can you come back?" (And by the way, that'd be "no.")

Turns out what I thought would be easy took ALL. DING. DANG. DAY. Now, I know two proofreaders who read this blog, and that is the only type of person this will be interesting to, so please skip over this following bracketed part if you are a normal person:

[There was a glossary at the end of the book. Last pass, I asked the author, did you want me to go through the book and make sure the glossary terms are always in bold? Cause I am seeing some instances where they aren't, always. And the author said, oh yes yes, please do that. Well, it's eight chapters and seven appendices. I didn't think it'd be any big deal. Was I wrong. And each chapter and appendix was its own Word file. So I'd have to open Chapter 1, type in each glossary term to make sure they always appeared bold, then open chapter 2 etc. Oh, it was a proofreader's nightmare. Four other proofers read the book, and THEY never thought to ask such a cloying thing. What a maroon. What an embezzle.]

The point of my story is that I ate pretty well anyway, even though every second of this day was spent at this very desk, hunched over the computer and a red pen. I had oatmeal, then tuna with fat-free mayonnaise on whole-wheat crackers, and a sandwich for dinner. I will have an apple tonight and any baby carrots left lying around, because I know I had no vegetables today.

I had to scream scream scream down to Monroe to the FedEx Kinkos with this stupid work, and I made it with six minutes to spare. I would make a terrible emergency room physician. On the drive back, Marvin Gardensalad (who inexplicably came with me. Sometimes he wants to come along on the dumbest errands) kept wanting to stop at every Chili's and deli and Taco Bell we saw, but we did not. Now we are home and he is having a Lean Cuisine. Okay, not so great. But better than a Burrito Supreme.

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June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

8 thoughts on “FedEx, tacos and Britney’s gurney”

  1. I’d bet dollars to low-cal fat-free doughnuts that at least one of the four other proofreaders DID think of asking the question about the glossary. But then realized what a headache it would be to go through all of the Word files correcting them.
    But I know whereof you speak, er write, having proofed personal work for, well… you know. ‘Nuff said.
    My deepest sympathy goes to you and Marvin on the loss of Grandma Sophie.

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  2. See? Someone else thinks you’re a saint, too.
    Love the Marvins Gardensalad. HILarious.
    Good luck with the funeral and all that business. Hope you can find a computer while you’re there. We’ll miss you otherwise.

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  3. I forgot to tell you, when you are low on veggies for the day, drink you some low sodium V-8. I’m not real fond of the stuff, but I drink it because I know I need to.

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  4. The oatmeal was good. My husband’s cholesterol was 235 and he at the old fashion oatmeal for breakfast for six months. His cholesterol dropped below 200 in that length of time.
    I wasn’t a “professional” proofreader, but I was an admin assistant for many, many years. Your little exercise sounds like something I would have done. 🙂

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  5. UGH!!!! Hate when stuff takes 4 times longer than expected! Glad you made your deadline though.
    Husbands are infamous derailers of “trying to eat right” health plans. It’s annoying, especially because when THEY want to lose a couple of pounds, they can do it in 37 seconds. Annoying.

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  6. UGH!!!! Hate when stuff takes 4 times longer than expected! Glad you made your deadline though.
    Husbands are infamous derailers of “trying to eat right” health plans. It’s annoying, especially because when THEY want to lose a couple of pounds, they can do it in 37 seconds. Annoying.

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